A Winter's Night

 It's snowing tonight. The first snow in L-town. I love it when it snows. Did I ever tell you that?

I like watching it in the street lights, as I drive to whatever destination that I must reach next.

How it hangs there, falling softly, seemingly suspended. It glints like tiny jewels or dots - it surrounds me as it falls to the ground.

Like tiny memories gently floating in the eternity that is time, making their way to obscurity when their owners and bearers are no longer around to lift them.

I am swathed in memories tonight. Memories of a not so simple time, just under a week ago, when I there were less pleasant feelings prevelant in my life. In case you have not been able to keep up on what's going on - I have moved from my previous living arrangments and out into my own apartment.

For the first time since coming to this town, I feel free. I feel light and as if I can succeed. It's been two years since I came here. Since the very beginning, I've lived with my sister. I didn't see back then, what I see in her now. Because I didn't know. I didn't...I couldn't have any clue as to what was brewing beneath the surface.

My sister is ill. She's been medically diagnosed with severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I personally beleive that compulsive untruth should be added to that list, but I'm not a medical expert. For two years, I've lived with her. I've watched her progressively get worse.

The wear and tear of four years full throttle work and school with no relief had finally put her illness to the forefront. She could no longer hide it, not as she had from her family, for so long. As I wrote in an earlier post: she had gone into the hospital in...April, I believe, but don't quote me on that.

For six months now, she has not fulfilled much obligation to anyone. She's not really tried at anything. It's like this shell of a person that I used to know. If possible, the hospital made her worse than before. Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps I'm only seeing the shell, and not what lurks inside of it. Perhaps there is the real C that I've never known before, inside and waiting to be coaxed out.

No matter. I won't delve into her personal life on the internet. It wouldn't be right of me.

But I will talk about the parts that have so affected my life that even now, they are still with me.

For the past three months, I've been living with one of my better friends and my sister, whom happen to be dating. They bought dogs for some insane reason, and they both do NOT take care of them. It got to the point where they were letting the dogs do their business inside the apartment. It constantly smelled. It constantly felt uncomfortable. And the responsibility often was pushed off onto me to provide the care and love that those two simply wouldn't.

I told them when they bought the dogs that I would take no responsibility what-so-ever for anything that had to do with the dogs. They both agreed to that and then got the puppies. From there, they didn't train the dogs, they didn't have kennels, the dogs didn't have a regular feeding schedule, and often I would be left to babysit the dogs when they were doing other things.

Despite what I told them, I ended up picking up poop, cleaning up pee stains, feeding them and spending time with them. In short, it was as if I was a third owner instead of what the situation should have been treated like: a roommate.

For the past three months, since I started school after moving to that three bedroom apartment, I was always stressed out, exhausted and worried about something. This, of course, affected my school work. This was a crucial semester too because I was on academic probation. I'm still waiting to see whether or not my work to at least keep up in my classes has paid off at all. We'll know come spring.

Finally, one night, I had had enough. I told them I wanted to leave. And a couple of days later, after apartment searching and comparing, I found a place and signed the lease. I moved in December 1st. I could not be happier. I have a quiet, clean space in which I can focus solely on myself and what goals I need to accomplish.

The biggest grin kept appearing on my face after move-in day. I was cleaning and singing, and hanging pictures. I could hang pictures!! Through the entire two years that I lived with my sister, she always decided what pictures went up and where they went. She decided how to arrange the furniture. She made every little decision.

It is sad to me that she has such mixed priorities, so much so that her own brother couldn't even really share living quarters with her and feel comfortable and at home in that space. I believe she has many bitter feelings towards me - for what reasons I can guess at, but can never really be sure. One thing this family is good at is bottling things up inside and storing them away, building up.

Anyway, tonight she contacted me, asking me if I could do her a favor and get her some dog food. I was instantly miffed. Here I was, living on my own and still I felt like I couldn't escape her shadow. These dogs are still NOT my responsibility and she STILL treats the situation like they are. I want nothing to do with her household, and soon I will make that abundantly clear to her. I won't do any favors, I won't be coming over to clean or cook or hang pictures. That is her house. This is mine.

Now before you go on and say that I'm being a bit harsh - this is not the first favor she has asked for since I moved out. And it's only been a week!! The thing is...I know for a fact that if the situation were reversed and I needed things from her like that, she would not do it. Period.

I don't do favors for family because I expect something in return. No, I do it because I love them and because I care about them. But my sister knows my caring personality and she takes advantage of that. A lot. I can't count on 30 hands how many favors I've done for her since coming to L-town. I don't keep track and I don't write them down as grievances. But you know, a little reciprication would be great. A little appreciation would be wonderful.

And the sad thing is, that I know I probably won't get that. Not anytime soon and it's very possible that  I will never get it.

There are feelings that I'm starting to have that surprised me when I first started having them. Anger, resentment, bitterness. She put me through miserable circumstances for at least a year, if not more, and here she is still acting as if it's ok for her to do that. My feelings seep into my skin, flowing into my veins and pumping through me like blood.

I don't know if I can see her for a while. I just need some time to digest everything that happened. I need some time to move on from that and start new, and most importantly, to gain clarity on what it is that I want to get out of the next four years here. I can't waste any more time. I simply can't.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I also know that I have a lot of joy ahead of me.

I'm trying to mend my relationship with my father, I'm working on things that I love such as writing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. Not to mention there's a cutie down at my new apartment's leasing office, that I have my eye on. Nothing has happened yet, but I think there's something about this one. We'll call him 2010 potential boy.

For now, I'll sip my coffee and I'll open my blinds to watch the snow fall. Tonight, I will go to sleep, warm in my bed and knowing that I'm full of love and life.

That's all.

-J-



(Picture from: http://www.jesslaccetti.co.uk/uploaded_images/snownite-734683.jpg)

Remiss

Image is a screen capture from afterelton.com


This is going to be a rather short entry, though a longer one will most likely be on the way later this month. But I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I'm putting a link on my page for this website because it's an amazing cultural resource for gay men.

It's smart, politically aware, journalistically sound, and above all fun. Of course there's the indulgent segments and features on the website (but what harm is that?) but it also brings a fresh take on gay events happening now.

This website has a sister site: http://www.afterellen.com, which caters to a lesbian identifying audience.

I encourage you to check these sites out if you ever have a spare moment!

Also, I'm thinking of starting up a similar website with gay collaborative writers, just for fun. I'll let you know more if the idea progresses.

Much love.

-J-

Kismet

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

I do. Sometimes we lose light of the things we believe in. Something happens to make us forget the lessons we have already learned. Sometimes, selfishly we want to forget so that we can do things or say things that we already know we shouldn't, and then blame other people or life in general for it.

I've believed for a long time that everything happens for a reason. But somewhere along the way I have forgotten that - I got caught up in the things that were happening to me and instead of sitting back and asking myself what I could be learning from the experience, I complained about it.

I am sure this is an experience that will unfortunately repeat itself in my lifetime. I am only human, and our memories are like sieves. For now though I have thankfully grasped this concept once more.

You must be wondering why in the world there is a picture of Zac Efron on my blog for this entry. I will get to that in a moment.

As I have promised myself and wrote about here, I have been working on myself. My emotional and physical well-being, my life in general. It feels good. I am smiling more often than I have in the past few months. I'm not as angry as much anymore. There is still anger, don't get me wrong, but it's outshone by the things I am discovering which make me happy.

I watched '17 Again' tonight. Of which Zac Efron is the star. (And ok, I have a little boy crush on him, lol.) The movie really spoke to me, believe it or not. I would hope that it spoke to a lot of people because to me the message was a strong one. One for both the young and the old.

A burnt out older man Mike O'Donnell, portrayed by Matthew Perry, has two children and just lost his job and is getting a divorce from his long-time wife whom got pregnant with their first child whilst the pair was still in high school. During a big basketball game of which Mike was the star player, where college scouts would make or break his future, he left in the middle of it to assure his then-girlfriend that his future was with her and their child.

Fast forward to the present, when he complains about not going to college and all of this potential he had was wasted. A 'spirit guide' character is introduced to us and after Mike and the character meet, the next morning he wakes up to find himself 17 once more. He uses his time as a 'pubescent' teen to get closer to his children and reconnect with his family. He is of course still a big shot basketball player and so near the end of the movie he is once again faced with the choice of having a future in basketball, star-studded and bright, or to choose his wife - which he has spent the majority of the film remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place - and ultimately he chooses her.

Predicatable as the film may be, it's message that time can not be erased and redone, that the choices we make shape who we become: are universal to us all.

I was reading this book 'If I Am Missing or Dead' by Janine Latus, in which the main character says that in college when she was starving and barely making it, she had the picture of an animated grey tombstone on which she wrote in marker: "I was gonna..." - because these were the words her grandmother spoke on her death bed and she vowed to herself that she would never say those words.

These messages are so...powerful. They recently have become central to my life. I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say "Wow. What was I thinking? Why did I do that?"

Now ultimately I know that an experience like that is unavoidable. I will look back on some things in my life and be flabbergasted by choices I made or things I did. But I don't want that to define my past, when I look back on it.

I don't want to look back on this period in my life and realize that I wasted it. That I spent it being sad and consumed by this one guy, or that I missed a great opportunity that I am receiving by not going to my classes and getting the education that I am being supported to receive. I don't want to look back and wish I had been in better shape or that I had learned to do more.

So, I'm going to focus now on making sure that doesn't happen. This is important to me, especially at this time when I actually have the power to do something about it. I know I've already been working on the areas of my life I wasn't happy with, but I'm saying that realizing this has motivated me even more.

One thing I will say about '17 Again,' besides the message of hope for the future that it brought to me, it also...made me sad and hopeful at the same time about the subject of love.

This guy, Mike, in the movie was so in love with his wife that his entire focus was getting her to realize that they still belonged together even when he had the chance to do it over again and choose a bright career. He was willing to do anything for her. He remembered everything about her and his character's love for his wife was just...heart wrenchingly beautiful.

There was a line in there, when Mike was 17 and talking to his wife and asking her why she was divorcing 'her husband' when she loved and cared about him.

She says, "Well I guess sometimes those things are not enough."

I understand what she means. I have loved and cared about two boys so far in my life, and each of them has still found a way out of my life. Sometimes that isn't enough.

Sometimes I wonder how much farther my love can extend. It amazes me that there is more to the feeling of love that I have not yet experienced. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Derrick. I was proved wrong. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Mark. I know that to be wrong as well.

The thought terrifies me and elates me. I have to ask myself: Am I ready for love?

As the hour strikes five hours past midnight, this question hangs in my mind. With it, I leave you for now.

Goodnight.

That's all.

-J.H.-


(Picture from: http://www.thefilmchair.com/images/tfc/zac-efron.jpg )

Truth

Today has been a...good day so far. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have had a lot on my mind. I awoke early this morning, made myself some coffee and then some eggs, smoked a few cigarettes and I am now writing this post.

I've been thinking about my life recently. A lot about it actually, seeing as I've been trying to work on myself in all aspects. Trying to figure out more of who I am.

There are a number of changes that I have made, am making and am planning on making. I am working out more, I am going to write more, going to all of my classes and doing all of my homework. I am being more responsible at my job and with money.

And all of that is fine and then I look at the love life. I've slowly begun to love being single, when I stop and look at all the things I have, when I think about all of the things I want for myself and I'm just like - why do I spend this time that I have thinking about -if- I had a boyfriend or if I could only just meet somebody. The truth is that I have a lot on my plate. A boyfriend would be great, but I don't -need- one and I would have even more on my plate if I did have one.

Maybe there's a reason why these things in my life have happened to me the way that they did.
There's a quote from the Wedding Date that every [woman] has the exact love life that she wants. So maybe all of this time I've fooled myself into thinking that all I really want is a boyfriend, when in fact that wasn't the issue at all. Maybe I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and that I was going to be alone forever if I didn't get a boyfriend soon.

I realize that I want time now. Time to be comfortable with myself, to know my flaws and look at myself in the mirror and be okay with all of the decisions I've made. I want time to stop and really reflect, like I haven't in the past.

There is something that brought this post on, I will confess. I was in the bath last night, listening to Michael Buble's wonderful voice echo through the room, and singing a love song - thinking about Mark. So many of the songs I hear remind me of Mark, so many of the lyrics somehow magically fitting how I feel about him.

I listen to the lyrics about love, like I already have him as my love. As if he is mine. He is not mine, and even though it is a possibility that in the future he could be - I can't think like that. I have to remember to live now. What's true about now is that Mark isn't interested for some reason or another - I live to far away, I've done something in our past to make him weary - for some reason now is not the time.

I asked a couple of people what they thought about my feelings for him. Two of them said some words and in them was 'he will never love you'. It was out of context, as in 'He will never love you if you don't love yourself' or 'He will never love you as long as you both have your issues to work out' but they said it. They said, "He will never love you."

The weight of those words crush me. But instead of feeling miserable about it, as I usually would, instead of feeling self-pity I just came to a miraculous sort of break through. He doesn't love me, and we aren't together, and we are not a part of each other's lives. As much as it hurts to say these things I know the truth in them.

That's what is so good about the truth is that everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. So I've got stop lying to myself and I've got to think about right now. There is plenty to do in the now, there are plenty of other things for me to worry about. I can't afford to continue worrying about this.

I told Mark before that I loved him. I have a bone to pick with that word. People throw it around and sometimes say it before they actually feel it. Now that wasn't the case with me - I did feel it - but it got me thinking.

For instance the word 'lol' in my group of friends is sometimes overused in texts and emails and facebook messages. My friends have gotten so used to saying 'lol' as a place holder or an end to a sentence that it is almost second nature to say this phrase. Are they really laughing out loud as their text-speech implies? Is it something they are really feeling, and actually do? Most of the time: no.

The same can be said of the word 'love' for at least my group of friends (and as I know it, a pretty good part of the teenage population these days.) They use 'I love you' to tell their friends that they care for them, that all is good between them. But the word is supposed to be sacred. We've gotten so used to saying it that it is second nature not to think about saying it when you get off the phone with your friends, or when you're ending an instant messaging conversation.

This word is abused, has lost it's power - for an emotion and a meaning that is too powerful. There are only a handful of people that I truly can say I love and would do anything for. I'm not going to list them. But I can count them easily enough.

So though I feel that I love Mark, I won't say it - nor to anyone else that I had been saying it to. If the time comes where Mark and I are in a position to be friends, and then that friendship grows, and even if we get into a relationship I will wait and wait and wait until I am absolutely sure that love is the adjective, is the powerful emotion that I feel for him.

For now...well there's someone I haven't loved enough, and I'm trying to rectify that.

I am on a journey, of growth that started near the beginning of this year. I am not sure how far I am or how much further I'll need to go. But I'll go forward and I will remember that love isn't only external, but it also must come from within as well.

I hope this entry finds you happy and healthy, and well. Loved.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/truth/SpurfheadJones/seek_truth.jpg )

Inspired

Tonight I saw the movie 'Julie & Julia'. Though I was late to the 9:50 showing, I got there in enough time to be there for 97% of this movie and let me tell you, it was well worth it.

The film, starring two of my favorite actresses (Meryl Streep and Amy Adams) chronicles the blogging adventures of Julie Powell, who undertook the enormous feat of cooking through Julia Childs' recipes in a year, a post for each and every meal.

Meryl was hilariously marvelous and commanding in her role as Julia. This actress, one of the greatest screen legends still going strong in her career, effortlessly portrays her character and makes it believable. You forget for a time that this is an actress, or at least I did. That is a great achievement for any performer, and she pulls it off.

The tale is a charming one, showing the mirroring lives of these two women through time. Each of them set out to accomplish something, and despite the hardships they faced, they accomplished it. At the end of the day, everybody in their lives may not have been happy and they may not have changed the world - but they did something. They set a goal and they did it!

I give this movie a five out of five crowns, for being a fabulous creation.

Anyway, the point of this post is that the movie inspired me. I may not win any sort of recognition for my blogs or my writings, but I'm chasing my dream. One day I hope to be a published author and this movie refreshed my Muse's Well of Inspiration. I feel like writing again! I feel like working on my book and keeping at it.

I missed this feeling, and I realize now that it doesn't take a movie to let me have it. I was holding myself back, letting myself wallow in the pits of self-sympathy. What a horrible and ugly place that can be.

Tonight has been an all around spectacular evening: I got to see a wonderful friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long while and we had coffee together. We talked about our lives and sorted through our problems and over all just had a great time. We're trying to collaborate and coordinate a podcast at the moment, about our lives as queer youth. I want to make it meaningful to somebody, even if only for the humor our lives might provide. But more than that, I want to make this podcast relevant to queer youth everywhere. I want to talk about the issues and hear the thoughts of others. Where is our new gay generation headed?

I'm not looking to boister myself onto some pedestal in doing these projects. I'm looking to put my thoughts and ideas out there and just create something meaningful.

We all search for meaning in our lives - and some of us never get it or feel like we don't have something to contribute. But the fact is, whatever we contribute, might in some small way mean the world to someone else and that in and of itself is worth it.

I am inspired. I want to reach someone. I want to achieve my goals and at the end of the day I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say: you tried and you created and for that I am joyful.

So I throw down the gauntlet - go. Go and do something you love and whatever you do love yourself for it.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://winechef.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/080514ptr_merylstreep_001__opt.jpg)

I Need to Wake Up

Good morning, all. Coming to you from the sunshine of L-town, I'm drinking my second cup of coffee.

Last night was...interesting. My former flame came up to visit me with one of our mutual friends. They got here at around eight in the evening and we started out just having a few cigarettes and enjoying our evening.

We decided to go to Applebee's and Jimmy Johns for sandwiches and dessert. The whole time Mark (that's not his name, but rather the name I will use to refer to him.) was on his phone texting. Now if you know me, you realize that this is one of my biggest pet peeves - people on their phones when they are supposed to be hanging out with me. He's been talking to this guy a lot that he really has a crush on and although I do not know that's who he was communicating with, my leap of intuition is not a giant leap of my imagination.

It was just so different from other times the two have been down here to visit. It wasn't as fun. Mark and our mutual friend have gotten into some 'things' that I don't quite approve of but have let slide. At one point, they were all out on the patio smoking and I was inside alone with Mark and he said not one word to me. I went into my room to see if he would come talk to me, but to no avail.

About thirty minutes later, when Erica (my best friend- also not her real name.) went to bed, and then Mark and our mutual friend came into the room and said they were leaving because we were already going to bed at 11:30.

I told them that I wasn't sleeping but they didn't believe me and decided to leave anyway. It occured to me, later on, that Mark hadn't said five words total to me in the four hours they were there. I can't tell you how hurt that makes me feel - I had been falling for this guy for a while now and here he was practically ignoring me.

They're supposed to come back on Wednesday but I don't know if I even want them up here. It's a rude thing to do - just walk out on the people who are putting you up for the night, and go home. It just chaps my ass to think about, really. And until they apologize, I don't really want to see them.

I'm done being disrespected and I have said this before. I'm not that guy anymore. You can't walk all over me and then expect to be best friends. It's just not going to happen. I used to think about the fact that Mark's going to be here after he graduates, in a year. I used to think of all the possibilities that entailed for us. But the thing is - he's not the same person I fell for. Even these past few months he's changed. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's just that I don't really know this new Mark. He doesn't let me get to know him.

The fact that this person was not the guy I fell in love with, was a hard fact to swallow and it was driven home by their trip here. Maybe this was supposed to happen, so I would be allowed to get over him. All this holding on that I've been doing with him has gotten me nowhere. I don't want to be nowhere. So I'm not going to be.

I'm going to work on myself, as I have said I'm going to, and someday some man will see that I'm worth it - and all the idiots out there who let me go will see just what they lost. It's like that bumper sticker says, 'Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.'

It's not always easy for me to be optimistic, like I used to be able to feel so freely, but I figure that sadness for me at this point is more of a choice than a feeling. I'm choosing not to be sad anymore. I'm choosing that. Do you understand how powerful of a statement that is for me?

Today, I may not have a job and I may not be doing everything I'd hoped to be doing, but I have myself. I have the knowledge that I'm going to be ok. I'm going to sip my coffee and my day is going to be amazing, whatever I end up doing.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://www.thetechherald.com/media/images/200928/Coffee_cred_Ahmed_Rabea_flickr_1.jpg)


*Note: The disclaimer in the sidebar to your immediate right, states this - but I am repeating it as a reminder: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. Please read the disclaimer in the welcoming 'rainbow-colored' statement. Thank you!

Amongst the Stars

I just felt in the mood to write tonight. I'm not sure why, being that I haven't done it in a while. But it just felt like the time.

I may have lost my job this week. Not exactly sure how that happened, but we'll see by tomorrow. Yet even as scary as that prospect is - not having a job after 6 months of having one - I'm strangely unafraid.

I've been through so much this past year, heck these past six months that something like this doesn't really phase me. I would like to think it's because I've grown stronger.

Well and also that during these past few weeks I have been trying to build up to a steady belief. I may not like organized religion and I may not want to go to church every sunday but I think sometimes a little faith is what the doctor orders.

So I'm trying to have some faith. I believe that when school starts near the middle of this month, that it'll be easier for me to get a job because of all the people either leaving to go back to school or the people cutting back on hours because of school. This comforts me to acknowledge - still I am not completely without nerves or fear. I don't want this process to take me a long time and I can't in fact afford that.

But instead of looking at this like a hurdle to jump over or a river to cross, I'm trying to look at it like a blessing or a fresh start. I never particularly loved working at the deli. Sure it was a good job, and the people were nice, but I rarely made enough hours to have the extra money I've always needed and craved. This change could be good for me. I've already changed living arrangements and moved into a three bedroom with my sis and bestie, and now I have a chance to change something else in my life.

Work will never be glamourous, at least at my age and education level, but no one said I couldn't try to have a little fun here and there with my jobs. I've been working at uniformed-low pay-service jobs since I started earning money. If I can do it (and don't worry I'm not stupid enough to pass up a job opportunity no matter the low end of the stick) I would like to try and submit my applications into places I might actually be able to stand for more than 6 months.

Speaking of my living arrangements...these past few days have been nice. I've had the week off for the most part (now I know why...heh.) and I've been using them to spend time with the people I love. We've been playing video games, enjoying nice dinners, having a drink or two and it's been a BLAST. I'm feeling like for the first time in a while we're connecting all together.

The romance department is still as empty as ever. Though, I'm holding a piece of my heart for one of the guys I've fallen for over the past several months - he's not in the right place emotionally or geographically to do anything about it. We flirted heavily in high school and over time recently have begun to pick things up again, but he doesn't believe in long-distance relationships and so alas, I have to wait a year before he moves up to L-Town.

It may be too early in my life to tell, but I think this one's special. He may even be the one. Something in my heart tells me we're destined to at least be in a relationship. Some love stories aren't epic novels; some are short stories - but that doesn't make them any less filled with love. As Carrie Bradshaw would say.

A lot of exciting things are planned for this year though, to keep me busy. I'm starting a book club with one of my close friends, I'm going to finally be able to see all the seasons of Sex and the City, one of my favorite television shows (Supernatural, duh) is premiering in September, and I'll be in school as well. So yes, lots of things to keep me busy.

My sister's 22nd (god that makes me feel old) birthday is this month, and we're planning a FABULOUS party for her. The cake alone, which costs $40 by the way, is soooo Boss.

In the meantime, wish me luck on my job search, keep me in your hearts and minds and I shall do the same of you all.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Starting Again

So I'm starting over again. I said goodbye to the boy that treated me in ways I didn't deserve. He's going through a rough time and there was only so much trying I could do to be there for him. But how much rejection can a person really take before they simply give up?

Maybe he didn't tell me that he didn't want me to help him, or need me to help him. He just didn't return my calls or texts and didn't try in any way to contact me. And how am I to help him if I don't even know what's wrong?

I'm so bitter about the whole thing. I cared a lot about him - and that was thrown back into my face when I tried to stand up for myself. Still I can not place any blame on him for walking away, because I was the one who told him goodbye. I don't know if I got ahead of myself in thinking that I needed to act. Perhaps it was all some kind of misguided notion that I deserve better than to go more than 20 days without contact - not even a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. Perhaps I made it all about me, instead of all about him.

How much of myself can I give away before it's all gone? When is enough, enough? Can I not feel wronged and let him know about it? Why did it have to turn into such a big deal?

I ask these questions on my blog because I can not ask them to his face. I can't see him because he lives two hours away, I can't phone him because he has a new phone and I don't have the number, I can't write him because he's left home and doesn't have an address.

So I've got to accept that I did what I could. I've got to accept that I can't help everyone that I love and care about. I can't control the things that happen and the way that they occur. I can only control myself.

I didn't want to lose him - but I couldn't stand by and be left in the dark only to be picked back up when he needed me again. If a guy wants to see you or talk to you or if he cares about you he will make it happen. He will let you know. That's what I think.

Am I wrong to assume that I at least deserve something more than I got? Am I wrong in thinking that I've worked too hard and given too much NOT to deserve better?

Anyway, I'm starting over. I'm focusing on myself again because it's the only thing that I've got: me. I'm writing again and starting a work-out schedule and I'm looking for a second job. I'm going to go out with friends from work and I'm just going to enjoy every minute left of my summer. When the fall comes I'll work my ass off for the next four years and I'll get that much closer to my dreams and goals.

I'm not ready to think about romance or a relationship. I realize there are definitely some things I need to work on in myself: my over analytical mind, my irrational thoughts, etc. I know my downfalls and my faults. The tough part is to correct those things and to learn from the mistakes I've already made too many times.

It's not a matter of choice anymore - if I don't, I will lose the person I have been, forever. I will lose any sembelence of normalcy. I will become someone you don't recognize anymore, someone I never knew I could be.

I don't want to be angry anymore - as I have been for so long. I don't want to be bitter anymore.

I want to be happy again. I want to remember what a good day felt like.

As the days come, I'll take them one at a time. It's all that is within my power.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/knpouk/3606551408/ and edited at: http://www.picnik.com/)

When your world falls apart [like shattered glass]

It is messed up isn't it - what we do to the people we love?

This question has been raised in my mind many times recently. A lot has been happening with my emotional state. A lot has been changing.

I think a lot of it is that I feel like I'm being stifled. I feel like I could do a lot of great things, and that I can show the world what I'm really made of, if I had the chance.

But with everyone else's problems piling up on top of me, it just feel so hard. It feels like everywhere I turn, I'm being pulled further into the Abyss that threatens to engulf me as well.

My sister has been showing a side of herself recently, previously unseen by even our mother. She's always been a sort of closed off person - never really revealing much about herself or her feelings. She has always put up this front that makes it seem to the world that she is a strong, independent and invulnerable woman. That she is almost perfect in every way. Obviously we know that she isn't perfect, but it's as if she expects us to pretend that she is, right along with her.

And for the most part we have. Which, I think, is a big factor in how she was able to keep up the facade for so long. Now in her most vulnerable of times, we see things come out in her that we can't really comprehend. Her sense of generosity, right, wrong and purpose have all seemingly left her.

What leads me to discuss this is the fact that she has been in a relationship with my best friend for a while now - and she has also been using her. Maybe not knowingly, and maybe to some extent knowingly. But she has been. My sister has rarely been single in all of her life since she started dating.

I'm not sure that she literally knows what it means to be single. I believe it scares her to try and find out.

So when certain events in her personal life have lead her to mistreat my best friend, and have that building for months - it still came as a surprise to me when my best friend left our home and told us goodbye over the phone before she lead us to believe she was going to commit suicide.

As soon as Erica (my best friend) called me, telling me goodbye - telling me things my mind couldn't register quickly enough, my body turned to molasses. As if I was stuck in slow motion and couldn't snap out of it even though I knew these next few minutes would be vital. I didn't know how much time I had.

But she was on foot when she left the apartment and I went to drive around and find her. My sister ended up calling the police. Very long story short, Erica is now in a facility for the next week (by choice) to stabilize herself. However I can not escape the feeling that the times ahead are not going to be necessarily better.

Dealing with one person who has been going to therapy after being admitted to the hospital, someone who is on medication and who you don't know the mood of when they wake up in the morning is a very tiring thing to have in your life. Now there will be two people in that situation living with me. And aside from monetary and personal problems, I have to find the strength to cope with this as well.

I'm not meaning to complain, really I'm not. I understand how difficult it must be to live your life in a mental state that they are in. I've lived with my sister my entire life before she decided to get help, so I know.

It just feels like I'm being used in the same way. I'm a means to an end. I've been feeling like that about a lot of my friendships/relationships lately. I care so much about everyone else and what's going on in their life. I feel like I'm spent - there's nothing left for me to give out because if I do then there will be nothing left for me.

I spend my time, energy, emotions on caring about and for these people that I love. I do it because I love them, not because I expect anything in return. I don't need anything from them except an occasional sympathetic ear once in a while. A nod my way, a smile, a 'hey, how are YOU doing?'

It feels as if I am carrying the weight of a thousand people's burdens, and I am afraid of what will happen if I am pushed over my limits. Right now I feel pretty numb; have been feeling that way since saturday. I think it's my defense. I think my body or my heart can't take any more that could possibly go wrong.

I've just been hurt too many times by too many different people. I've always kept this inside and bottled it...a talent that my family has exhibited many times over the course of my 19 years. But I feel like the time is coming when that will no longer be the case. When I will just let it out as it goes on. I'm afraid to do so. The truth is a powerful thing.

An interesting quote from Revolutionary Road, caught my attention tonight: "Something about truth is, no matter how far you get from it, it's always there. You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

I believe this is true, in many of the situations I described in the above. If we all were very honest with ourselves about the decisions we make, then maybe we could save ourselves a lot of trouble. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we lie and cheat when we know what we're doing? We KNOW. We always know.

Even if we don't think about it at the moment or even for a long time. If we push it to the back and bury it deep inside of us - it's still there.

And we still deny it.

I just wish that there wasn't so much complicated drama surrounding me all of the time. I wish I could just get away from that sort of thing. Lead my life on my own terms and get back to what really matters to me. All of this stress has been affecting me a lot.

It seems as if my life is made of glass and being held together by glue and tape.

I'm left wondering, terrified, 'when will it shatter?'

-J.H.-


(Pic from: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-set/BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFlpBREtHYS1pM1JHMlhMb0xleGo4UXcAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ.jpg)

Before you try to run...

It's lonely here, these days. Which is funny. You would think that living with my sister and best friend would be more than enough to leave me dead tired at night and filled with contentment.

Except of course when said best friend and sister are dating. How lovely. I'm happy for them, truly. As long as they are happy - and I've always told them that. I still mean that.

There's just some things that I've been thinking about and things that I've discovered. I've been fxcked over again. And I just never seem to learn my lesson. Perhaps that's why God keeps trying to teach it to me.

Anyhow. My best friend is...sort of a liar. I don't know if she does it intentionally, or if it's just something born out of habit (she has had a rough childhood, and I do mean rough). But it hurts never-the-less. I have to work to step back from the situation and remember that it's not necessarily a good idea to call her out on it. You see, all of her life she's been made to feel like a fuck up and a piece of shit by her immediate family and a lot of her friends. I don't hate her- I'm just hurt. And I know that if I said anything, she would just take it as me telling her she's a fuck up.

My sister isn't in the best of states either. She was hospitalized for mental health issues, and after that, well she's been trying to keep up with out patient care but it hasn't been going very well because she's a totally different person. She's lazy, doesn't do things on time and keep herself on track, and she mostly stays in her room all day with her girlfriend.

It scares me to tell you the truth. This volatile situation is shaky. Made even shakier by some of the lies I've uncovered that my best friend has told. I don't know how long this can go on before it all crashes to the ground.

Besides that, it couldn't have come at a worse time. Over the past two months or so, I've been falling for an old flame of mine. Not Derrick - thank God that ship has sailed. No someone else. He's very special to me. But he's in love with someone else. And I just can't do it. I can't wait for him, and I can't put myself through that pain again. I won't. I refuse. No matter how much I believe that we belong together. If it's meant to be then so be it. Divine Intervention will have to occur and make it happen because I'm just not going to do it this time.

So I'm dealing with this whole best friend/sister thing and also getting over this guy. It isn't fun. I hate it. I've become this jaded and angry person most of the time and all I want to do is cry, but I can't do it. My tears have all dried up.

Sometimes I wish I could just get away and go somewhere new. Away from everyone and everything I know and start a new life where no one knows me. But I tried that before. When I ran away to Minnesota. I don't want to leave KU, and more importantly, I want everyone to know that I'm not going to run anymore. This is my life and no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to stick it through because I owe that to myself.

Most of my days are spent alone and I'm starting to grow accustomed to that. I'm starting not to care. I can't get hurt that way and I don't have to deal with any bullshit that way. It just works.

So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. I've been trying to work out and write and all that. It hasn't been going very well recently, but I'm still trucking along - keeping at it - and I think that's what counts. I haven't just lay down and let this overtake me.

I'm trying to be strong. Stronger than I've ever had to be before, and it's so hard that everyday I just want to stay in bed and sleep. But I don't. I get up, make my coffee and I start my day. Because someone in this household has to. Someone has to keep it together.

But it's safe to say that I'm bringing my focus where it should have been all along: on myself. No really - I've cut out all the people who have used me, I've stopped talking to the people I can live without and it feels like the right thing. I've grown a little smarter, a little tougher, and a little wiser.

I can't tell you if this new me is going to turn out alright. All I can say is, it's who I am right now, through the pain and the anger and the hurt. Maybe one day it will be different. Right now, the facts are that it isn't different.

That's all.

Signed,

J

Boys Will Be the End of Me

I've Got a Crush On You
Ella Fitzgerald

Hmm, I've got a crush on someone. Guess who

I've got a crush on you sweetie pie

All day and night time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

for a cunning cottage we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush my baby on you

How glad the many millions

of timothy and Williams

would be to capture me

But you had such persistance, you wore down my resistance

I fell and it was swell

You're my big, brave and handsome Romeo

How I won you I shall never know

It's not that you're attractive

But, oh, my heart grew active

When you came into view

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

All the day and night-time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

For a cunning cottage

That we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on you

Make me blue (A crush, on you)

In the style of ''I've Got a Crush on You''

Written by J.H.

Sometimes, I feel bad about the things that we do

But honey, when I'm with you

And when my lips do kiss you

I get a clue, yes a clue

that baby, I've got a crush that makes me blue

You've had your share of lovers

To me, it is no wonder

How lovers love no other

Than you.

The girls and boys who know you

In ways that are and aren't true

Sometimes think what I do

That baby, I've got a crush, that makes me blue

You have a one and only,

Somebody other than me,

You dream of him and I see

Everything so clearly,

Your eyes are only for he

You've got to know that I care

Though deep I am in despair

That you have found your fella

Like dear Edward and Bella

Never could I hurt you,

Nor he and all his virtue

I want you to be true

Never feel dishonest,

Or ache or pain or menace

Find all you can within it.

Still I confess,

that things became a mess

when I got a clue

that Baby, oh baby, I've got a crush

A crush that makes me blue.

Diva's Dating and other Disasters

And so begins the chronicling of my not-so-existent dating life. Well, dating plus all the other 'extra-curricular' activities.

Last night I got drunk with a couple of people from Wichita, and there was a guy there who is a friend of my best friend. We'll call him Nick.

Nick is kind of trying to stop drinking and cut down, but we let him have more than his fair share of drinks. I, having to drive my sister and her two other friends to the club, was in a slightly aggravated mood.

So naturally I decided to drink as well. I had four shots of vodka and two beers. Needless to say I was pretty drunk. At about that time, me and nick and my bff had to go pick up the three ladies who were pissed because we were late picking them up. We all went back to the apartment and got back to drinking, while my one of the people there got upset and called their ex boyfriend and ended up passing out in my bed.

My sister and my bff were on the couch talking when all of the sudden my sis gets a call and decides to go console one of her friends who is having troubles with her fiance. Nick, me and K (a friend of my sis) decided to drink some more. Nearly done with the game about an hour later, we get a call saying that my sister's car had died and she needed a jump.

Apparently while trying to jump the car, the-friend-in-need dropped her engagement ring in the hood of her car and couldn't find it.

So K, Nick and I went to their aid. Meanwhile, in the backseat, we began to make-out. Now something you have to know about Nick is that he is in love with some other guy and when they get the chance they are going to be together instead of trying a long distance relationship. At the beginning of the night, he said to me 'Don't let me make out with you, because I'm not going to remember a thing in the morning.'

Lo and behold, in our drunken horny states, we couldn't resist.

All the while, I couldn't help but wonder if I was being used. Sure it was mutual fun for both of us, but in the time of my life where I'm trying to focus on myself I had to wonder: Is there any problem with mutual satisfaction, if both parties are participating for different reasons?

And if not, should you regret it in the morning if the other person won't remember, and you already knew that?

The festivities ended when we got back from jumping the car, after spending an hour trying to find the ring whilst being completely drunk and freezing outside at five a.m. In a drunken rage, K left and accused my sister of being thoughtless of anybody but herself.

The next morning, my mother left, not bothering to say goodbye and saying that 'the environment wasn't a good one to accomplish what she needed to get done.'

When the morning aged and broke through my haze, I felt worse for more than just a bad hangover. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he didn't remember anything, and he still doesn't know the full extent of what we did. Spending the next day and a half with him might prove difficult when last night, was all I can think about.

I don't have feelings for Nick, besides ones of friendship, but the fact of the matter is that I don't know him. The fact of the matter is, he is completely unavailable.

So how far is too far in the name of too many beers? How long should we keep others in the dark, if it means saving both parties the drama of it all?

That's all.

Signed,

A fabulous gay man,

Queen Trixe J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/W/8/R/sexandthecitypic10.jpg )

Enough of Me

I like this picture. I saw it and I wanted to put it in tonight's entry.

It's spring break and even though I have been a break ever since I left school, I'm about to go back to a regular life soon. I'm nervous, anxious, excited and just a little bit regretful that it's ending.

But all the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm going to be getting paid, I'm going to continue my education, I'll be doing something again, rather than laying around the house.

I have so many goals and so many dreams and ideas for my life, and I just don't know where to begin and how to get there. All I know is that somehow I'm going to get there. I'll cut the parts out of my dreams that have to be along the way, but other than that I want to just not be miserable when I'm older. A goal that many adults in my experience, have not achieved.

My mother and I had a great talk this evening, driving from Wichita to Lawrence. Mostly about our family. We talked about me, as well and issues that we all have in our lives. I almost cried because I had a breakthrough.

Some things (that I will not discuss) have caused major self-esteem issues. I go around in my life like I know who I am, and like I'm ready for a relationship because I've had 18 single years to figure myself out. But having 18 single free years does not mean that I am happy with myself and that I am ready for a relationship.

I realized that my self-esteem is way lower than I had ever thought it was. So now I'm doing some work on myself and for myself. I'm going to be doing an overhaul to become the person that I really am...the person that I should be.

This realization has been huge for me. All this evening it has been on my mind. I have to totally relearn things I thought I knew about myself. It's scary, and it's big.

Somehow, I'm going to figure this out. Somehow I'll recover from this thing that I didn't know was boiling beneath the surface all along. I've been too busy taking care of the people in my life to realize that the person I need to start taking care of, is myself.

I've wanted so badly to find love for a long time. But I'm a firm believer in loving yourself before ever allowing someone else to love you. So that's what I'm going to figure out how to do. That's what this entry is all about.

I feel so lost and so jaded at some points, and this task is not to be taken lightly. But I'm going to take it one day at a time. Because that's all that I can do. That's all I know how to do.

That's all.

J

He was only your fool for a while

I'm writing to you from L-town, again. Recently, there had been some changes to my living arrangments, as per my own decisions.

I had decided that living in Lawrence was going to be too much of a burden. I would have to get a job and help pay rent, and go to school at the same time, even though the agreement was that I wouldn't have to get a job my first year.

I withdrew from the University and by the end of the week, I was out. I went first, to Tal-town. I would have been living with my father, so the first priority on my list would have been to get a job to save up enough money to pay rent somewhere and get my own place. I was then going to (after getting my own place) get enrolled in online school and get a business degree.

But my father wanted me to live by rules that I felt I had outgrown, not to mention, an unspoken rule that would put me back in the closet. He wanted me to have a curfew and tell him where I was going, and go to church and no smoking, and all of that. I just figured, I'm 18 years old, about to be 19. The whole reason for moving out in the first place was to gain my independence.

So I tried it up in Minnesota with my mother. I love my mother to death, and I love that she was willing to help me out. I wouldn't have had to pay rent, and I could start school whenever I wanted. My mother lives in a hotel right now, because that's the accomodations her job is providing her. I just didn't feel like I was fully settled in...like a hotel could be my home for a year. Most importantly, I was away from everyone I loved and everything I knew.

After spending a week there, I decided to come full circle, and live back in Lawrence. The place where my independence was in the exact place I needed it to be. I tried to get back into the University, but they said re-enrollment for this semester wouldn't be possible. However, I think my dad and I will work something out for the summer courses, and then I can resume a regular schedule in the fall.

I am getting a job, for those of you who are wondering. Without school, my only other option is to go to work. Honestly, I don't mind it. As long as I wouldn't have to do both at the same time until summer came around. Really it's better this way so that I can focus on getting a job, instead of having to wait until my day of classes was over.

I'm in a much healthier place with all of this at the moment. I've decided to just live my life, and be young and enjoy myself.

Life will not get the best of me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture From: http://www.monheganboat.com/img/sunset313.jpg)

In a Dark Wood

It is sunday. I am currently sitting alone on Carissa's (my sister) couch and watching 'I am Sam'. This is one of the single most emotional movies I have seen in my life.

But then it is also, right now, one of the single most emotional times of my life as well.

The picture is sort of representative of my emotional state right now. In the beginnings of Dante's Inferno, he is in a 'dark wood' which allegorically has been interpreted to mean he has come to a point where he didn't know which way to turn, he didn't know how he got to where he was at in his life, and he might be moving towards suicide or might be past the point of no return.

Don't worry. I am not, as he might say, so deep into the wood where the sun is silent. You won't have to read this and come talk me off of a ledge.

I just think this is what happens to me when something major is going to occur and is occuring in my life. I'm moving back to Wichita. It is an attempt to take control of my future, and to push myself into adulthood. I need that I think.

My mother has been saying how she thinks this year is one of major change and growth for all of us. She says she wants us all to be independent of each other by 2010. I tend to agree with her. I want to really be able to call myself an adult and handle my car, cell phone, taxes and all of that. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and honestly say, "Yes, I take care of and am responsible for myself."

There is so much that can happen, and might happen with this decision. I am unwilling to turn back however. I refuse. This is something that I have to learn and deal with.

I just wish that it might be somewhere else than Wichita. In order to save money until I get a job and enough money to move out, I have to live with my father. To put it in a way that you will understand: I have to hide everything about who I am.

He doesn't know (I haven't told him anyway) that I am gay. I haven't told him that I smoke cigarettes, etc. I really thought I was done with all the hiding, and now when I need it most, it is not an option to be out and proud.

It is a sacrifice. And I'm going to make it. Because that's what being an adult means. Sometimes doing something painful in order to make things better.

Another issue has occupied my thoughts. We all know and love (to hate) him...Derrick. He had said to me, to forget him. To forget he ever existed. So I wrote him my goodbye letter and have gotten rid of all evidence of his existence. To me, this boy is dead. But...my memories are not.

I will have no problems not seeing or talking to this stranger. This shell of a person I used to know. Still, moving back there has evoked emotions in me I thought to be extinct.

No not love. Regret. Hurt. Anger.

These emotions, I have learned, are not extinct only dormant. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and just stay in my apartment when I don't have to work. I wish I could say 'Fuck You' to the world and to love and to men...sometimes to friends.

People hurt other people. It is the human condition. These words I have heard spoken somewhere, though I can't remember where. And none ring more true to me now.

So I'm moving back to an old place in order to start a new life.

I'm not asking for much...

but if you could wish me luck? I would be your biggest fan.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://customize.org/thumbnails/large/53383.jpg )

*Since this post, I have befriended Derrick again. I harbor absolutely NO hard feelings towards him and I am in fact very happy for his relationship with one of our long time friends 'Dallas'