They always say 'Home is where the heart is', and for me this is true.
For a few weeks now, the question has been, where is home?
As a college student I am going through what all of us go through: the transition from high school to college. From teenager to young adult. More responsibilities are being layed upon us all to grow up, take care of ourselves, and eventually kick-start our way into the 'real-world'.
I don't dispute that I do live in L-Town now, and I do love it here, but when I visit the place that I called home for a 3/4's of my life I realize that my heart will always be there. Maybe not always, but as long as I still have people I care about there. As long as I still have family there, and as long as I feel like that's where I belong.
I know that I'm still setting up a life here (hell I haven't even unpacked all my things) but I'll always know that this place? Is just a temporary place that I'll live in until I find my path in life. It doesn't mean that I won't enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I won't be sad to see it go, four years down the road, but there is no doubt in my mind that I don't really belong here.
I have goals and I have dreams and they don't involve Kansas. As much as it would pain me to say goodbye, I know it will be worth it when I say 'hello' to my future. To where I've been working towards all these years, and will continue to work towards.
Lately I've been seeing a lot of empowering movies. Oh sure, alot of movies are empowering, but it's the ones that show people who had circumstances standing in their way of happiness and seeing them overcome those circumstances that really gives me hope.
The Last Holiday, The Women, Sex and the City. All are great movies. All have given me comfort these past few days.
They make my goals seem more obtainable, my burdens less heavy. Still, I'm here.
It's Sunday evening and I have just returned from my hometown. I didn't let anyone know that I was coming, and I didn't make any plans. For once in all the times that I have been there, I truly felt relaxed. I helped my mother fix her basement carpet, I watched movies, I surfed the web at leisure. I didn't have any obligations.
Always there was this pressure of letting everyone know I was coming, and seeing if they could fit me in their schedule, and instead of all that I just said 'forget it. This weekend is about me and my mother, and enjoying ourselves'. That is exactly what we did.
I wasn't...sad to come back to Lawrence per ce. I was just...homesick. On the ride home I was thinking about the apartment that I'm staying in, and I was thinking about how much I always miss my mother. How lonely it can get sometimes when you're away from those you care about most.
I came 'home', turned on my television and put in Queer As Folk to comfort me. It was the one where Michael came back from Oregon, and he was ashamed to be back, because that meant he had failed in his new life.
I can relate to Michael, in fact, I was a little afraid that maybe I might not succeed in my own new life.
Then Ted sat beside him, put his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "As for coming home, there's no shame in that, it's what it's here for."
So tonight when I got to bed and I think about my mother and her adorable puppy Denver, and even if I dream about them, I won't feel bad.
Because home?
It's where my heart is, and where it shall remain.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
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