I like this picture. I saw it and I wanted to put it in tonight's entry.
It's spring break and even though I have been a break ever since I left school, I'm about to go back to a regular life soon. I'm nervous, anxious, excited and just a little bit regretful that it's ending.
But all the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm going to be getting paid, I'm going to continue my education, I'll be doing something again, rather than laying around the house.
I have so many goals and so many dreams and ideas for my life, and I just don't know where to begin and how to get there. All I know is that somehow I'm going to get there. I'll cut the parts out of my dreams that have to be along the way, but other than that I want to just not be miserable when I'm older. A goal that many adults in my experience, have not achieved.
My mother and I had a great talk this evening, driving from Wichita to Lawrence. Mostly about our family. We talked about me, as well and issues that we all have in our lives. I almost cried because I had a breakthrough.
Some things (that I will not discuss) have caused major self-esteem issues. I go around in my life like I know who I am, and like I'm ready for a relationship because I've had 18 single years to figure myself out. But having 18 single free years does not mean that I am happy with myself and that I am ready for a relationship.
I realized that my self-esteem is way lower than I had ever thought it was. So now I'm doing some work on myself and for myself. I'm going to be doing an overhaul to become the person that I really am...the person that I should be.
This realization has been huge for me. All this evening it has been on my mind. I have to totally relearn things I thought I knew about myself. It's scary, and it's big.
Somehow, I'm going to figure this out. Somehow I'll recover from this thing that I didn't know was boiling beneath the surface all along. I've been too busy taking care of the people in my life to realize that the person I need to start taking care of, is myself.
I've wanted so badly to find love for a long time. But I'm a firm believer in loving yourself before ever allowing someone else to love you. So that's what I'm going to figure out how to do. That's what this entry is all about.
I feel so lost and so jaded at some points, and this task is not to be taken lightly. But I'm going to take it one day at a time. Because that's all that I can do. That's all I know how to do.
That's all.
J
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