He was only your fool for a while

I'm writing to you from L-town, again. Recently, there had been some changes to my living arrangments, as per my own decisions.

I had decided that living in Lawrence was going to be too much of a burden. I would have to get a job and help pay rent, and go to school at the same time, even though the agreement was that I wouldn't have to get a job my first year.

I withdrew from the University and by the end of the week, I was out. I went first, to Tal-town. I would have been living with my father, so the first priority on my list would have been to get a job to save up enough money to pay rent somewhere and get my own place. I was then going to (after getting my own place) get enrolled in online school and get a business degree.

But my father wanted me to live by rules that I felt I had outgrown, not to mention, an unspoken rule that would put me back in the closet. He wanted me to have a curfew and tell him where I was going, and go to church and no smoking, and all of that. I just figured, I'm 18 years old, about to be 19. The whole reason for moving out in the first place was to gain my independence.

So I tried it up in Minnesota with my mother. I love my mother to death, and I love that she was willing to help me out. I wouldn't have had to pay rent, and I could start school whenever I wanted. My mother lives in a hotel right now, because that's the accomodations her job is providing her. I just didn't feel like I was fully settled in...like a hotel could be my home for a year. Most importantly, I was away from everyone I loved and everything I knew.

After spending a week there, I decided to come full circle, and live back in Lawrence. The place where my independence was in the exact place I needed it to be. I tried to get back into the University, but they said re-enrollment for this semester wouldn't be possible. However, I think my dad and I will work something out for the summer courses, and then I can resume a regular schedule in the fall.

I am getting a job, for those of you who are wondering. Without school, my only other option is to go to work. Honestly, I don't mind it. As long as I wouldn't have to do both at the same time until summer came around. Really it's better this way so that I can focus on getting a job, instead of having to wait until my day of classes was over.

I'm in a much healthier place with all of this at the moment. I've decided to just live my life, and be young and enjoy myself.

Life will not get the best of me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture From: http://www.monheganboat.com/img/sunset313.jpg)

In a Dark Wood

It is sunday. I am currently sitting alone on Carissa's (my sister) couch and watching 'I am Sam'. This is one of the single most emotional movies I have seen in my life.

But then it is also, right now, one of the single most emotional times of my life as well.

The picture is sort of representative of my emotional state right now. In the beginnings of Dante's Inferno, he is in a 'dark wood' which allegorically has been interpreted to mean he has come to a point where he didn't know which way to turn, he didn't know how he got to where he was at in his life, and he might be moving towards suicide or might be past the point of no return.

Don't worry. I am not, as he might say, so deep into the wood where the sun is silent. You won't have to read this and come talk me off of a ledge.

I just think this is what happens to me when something major is going to occur and is occuring in my life. I'm moving back to Wichita. It is an attempt to take control of my future, and to push myself into adulthood. I need that I think.

My mother has been saying how she thinks this year is one of major change and growth for all of us. She says she wants us all to be independent of each other by 2010. I tend to agree with her. I want to really be able to call myself an adult and handle my car, cell phone, taxes and all of that. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and honestly say, "Yes, I take care of and am responsible for myself."

There is so much that can happen, and might happen with this decision. I am unwilling to turn back however. I refuse. This is something that I have to learn and deal with.

I just wish that it might be somewhere else than Wichita. In order to save money until I get a job and enough money to move out, I have to live with my father. To put it in a way that you will understand: I have to hide everything about who I am.

He doesn't know (I haven't told him anyway) that I am gay. I haven't told him that I smoke cigarettes, etc. I really thought I was done with all the hiding, and now when I need it most, it is not an option to be out and proud.

It is a sacrifice. And I'm going to make it. Because that's what being an adult means. Sometimes doing something painful in order to make things better.

Another issue has occupied my thoughts. We all know and love (to hate) him...Derrick. He had said to me, to forget him. To forget he ever existed. So I wrote him my goodbye letter and have gotten rid of all evidence of his existence. To me, this boy is dead. But...my memories are not.

I will have no problems not seeing or talking to this stranger. This shell of a person I used to know. Still, moving back there has evoked emotions in me I thought to be extinct.

No not love. Regret. Hurt. Anger.

These emotions, I have learned, are not extinct only dormant. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and just stay in my apartment when I don't have to work. I wish I could say 'Fuck You' to the world and to love and to men...sometimes to friends.

People hurt other people. It is the human condition. These words I have heard spoken somewhere, though I can't remember where. And none ring more true to me now.

So I'm moving back to an old place in order to start a new life.

I'm not asking for much...

but if you could wish me luck? I would be your biggest fan.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://customize.org/thumbnails/large/53383.jpg )

*Since this post, I have befriended Derrick again. I harbor absolutely NO hard feelings towards him and I am in fact very happy for his relationship with one of our long time friends 'Dallas'

To know the way

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that dream, where you're standing in the middle of the desert and the wind is blowing the sand around with the sun bearing down on you, and you're just standing there.

I feel caged still, in Lawrence. Like I'm being tied down here by obligations that are not my own. I want need to get out of here and may won't come fast enough.

Still, I don't know where I'm going to go after school is over. I know that I want to move away from Lawrence, and I know that I want to be out on my own taking care of my own shit. I don't want to have to worry about anyone but myself. I want to come when I please, go when I please, do what I please however I please.

I've been taking care of everyone else for most of my life. I've been letting everyone else dictate where my life was going and how it was going to get there.

I have my own dreams now and I have my own goals. How am I supposed to breathe in this box that I'm in? How am I supposed to live when life as we know it, is holding me down?

Lawrence, that apartment, even KU has just become too small for me. Like a shirt that squeezes the crap out of you when you put it on, but you still wear it anyway. You suck in your gut to make yourself feel like you can get away with wearing it. Well I'm taking off that shirt. I'm getting on with my life.

I think about just quitting KU, moving out sometime during the night and disappearing out of everyone's lives for a while. I'm ready for change. Like right now.

Still, I just have to accept that I have to stay for four months and then it's over. I will plan what I'm doing and I suppose it's better to have this time than not. But I'm just so lost right now. Lost and hating the place I'm lost in.

I would do anything to know the way.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The first

(Picture From: http://www.6stepnichesites.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost.jpg )