First of all, God. How weird is it for me to be on this site after nearly two whole years of leaving it in the dust. In a way, I'm happy to have returned to 'blogging it out' as Jenna Hamilton of MTV's "Awkward." would say. And well, I'm here to say that not much has changed. Or maybe I'm not seeing the forest for the trees. But...then again, a lot has changed. Confusing I know.
It turned out that a few days after I wrote my last post, Travis texted me and said that he really couldn't give the time to pursue a relationship, and this was after I elected not to have sex with him, so something told me that he was really only in it for the sex. Even if that hadn't been the case...I'm sure I would've found some reason to make things not work. You see...since writing that last post, I really realized that I have some terrible intimacy issues. I really am like Meredith Grey circa Season 3. Afraid of any kind of commitment, real or otherwise.
I do that sometimes. People will want to meet up with me, and my mind fills with how much effort it would be and how I don't know what it will be like, or if I'll have a good time, so I stick to staying at home. That's what I do a lot of the time, especially during the semesters when I go to school. I stick to staying in my apartment, at my computer, doing homework or being on tumblr, and that's all. Oh, well, I guess that's where all of my time goes now. Tumblr-- which would explain why I haven't been on this website. Even though I don't use tumblr to blog. I actually use Tumblr to roleplay. Which like, okay, if you don't know what that is (and it's not the bedroom kind) then go ahead and look it up on wikipedia or something. For roleplaying there's a 'by platform' section that includes tumblr or blogging sites and it'll explain it.
And anyway, I bring this up because because I'm just discovering a lot of things about myself recently that I didn't know before. I'm discovering some things that I'm into (sexually) and personally that I didn't really think about before. I'm discovering...parts of myself and..well I think that's worthwhile. All of this discovering. How else do we get anywhere in life if we don't know more about ourselves? So yeah. I met Mark 2.0 (who has the same name as the guy I was in love with and who was my high school sweetheart, but who is a different guy named Mark. So here we'll call him Mick, just so we don't get confused, 'kay?) online, and we talked and things were fine. I actually met him the summer I was dismissed from the U of K like...three years ago. Anyway. He moved close to my area for a summer internship and so we had the opportunity to date. So we did go on two dates. The first one went well. I was a little awkward because I don't think I'm all that interesting, but we found things to talk about, and I tried my hardest not to clam up. I just pretended like he was a good friend and we'd known each other a long time. That seems to be a good tactic for me.
The second time we met up was a disaster. I was silent. We watched a few episodes of Teen Wolf and then he said he needed to get some things done and that he'd call me. I had clammed up. So after that we didn't talk for about two weeks. I knew I had messed up and yet I couldn't think of a single thing to say to him. I...I didn't find him too terribly attractive and that's important to me. I think I need to find someone attractive if I'm going to date them, and possibly get physical with them. Still...it didn't mean I was going to completely write him off. I began to draft an email wherein...I detailed my personal revelation that I have intimacy issues. That I subconsciously pick guys I know are going to have very slim chance at giving me any genuine care, love, attention and affection, and that's who I go after. That's who I'm attracted to. As I wrote down each of my previous romantic experiences in that email to prove the point I was making, I realized just how deep and varied the experiences go. They all had one thing in common. In retrospect I should've seen each and every time that these were not guys that I could have any really viable emotional connection with. They were emotionally unavailable, it was clear and obvious then and now, and it was becoming clear to me with that email I was writing to Mick that that was kind of alright with me back then.
Here is where Meredith Grey and I differ. Her issues had a cause. Her issues had some on-screen source that was visible within her story: her relationship with the mother that never wanted her, abandoned her at every turn, and was emotionally unavailable to her. Me? I have no clue what could've caused my issues. I have... a strained and rocky relationship with my father, and we've always had trouble connecting. But he was never unavailable, per se. He was never unloving. Nothing like Meredith's mother was for her.
It irks me. Meredith worked out the source of her issues and was able to move on from them, and work on them. I don't want therapy. I don't...I wouldn't even begin to know how therapy could help. What's so traumatic about my life? What do I have to complain or talk about? Sure I have my issues and feelings, but nothing I think I'd need professional help for. Maybe I'm wrong about that. But...I'm not really in a financial position to afford therapy either. So, that leaves me to deal with and work through my issues all on my own.
Online sources have sort of dried up my dating pool thus far, and I've established that I never go anywhere. Yet I know I can't expect my life to change if I don't change. Which is why...I've decided to try to do what I can to change my situation. Change aspects of my life. I'm always and forever in a perpetual cycle of wanting to change, trying to achieve that change, and not finding any change-- as evidenced by this blog and some previous posts in it. I'm 24 years old. I think it's time. I'll never stop trying to go after the things I want, and I'll never stop trying to figure myself out, or to achieve the change I want to see in my life. Real human connection. I want more for myself, better for myself. I know I need to get serious about my life.
I don't have that book deal I mentioned I wanted in that last post I made. But I'm editing my book for the third time through and then I'm going to self publish. I haven't lost all the weight in the world but I'm sitting in a comfortable range for my height, and tonight I exercised for an hour before coming online to find my blog and revisit my past. Yesterday I worked out for forty minutes. I just need to know that I'm doing things in life to be authentic to myself. To be...who I truly am. And for that true self to be happy. I'm spiritual. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before - though I think I have - and so tomorrow I plan to go to a gay friendly church in town in an effort to meet new people, expand my social circle, and maybe find a little peace. I haven't been to an organized church in quite some time. But I just know that I need something to be different for me.
I am the only one who can make these changes for myself and in my life. So, I can write about it all day long, and I can talk about it to my friends, and I can be aware of my issues, but everything I want to change will take actual work. Wish me luck, internet. I am going to need it. I am going to...start being there for myself. I have to be a man of my word. Or else, how can I expect anyone else to take me seriously if I don't take myself seriously? If I don't honor myself, and do what's best for myself, first?
Anyway. That's why I used the photo I did for this post. Notice how that's a guy in the picture? Notice what he's wearing. I mean, he's being bold, and putting himself out there in the naked now. I think that's brave. He's being true to parts of himself. And anyway. I'm trying to be that, too.
With love,
J.
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