Love & Happiness

These past few months I have been searching for two things: Love and happiness.

Really you could say I've been looking for them a long time. But for some reason I could never ever find them. It was like a particularly frustrating game of hide and seek.

I'm a strong believer in the message that things happen for a reason. That out of chaos comes beauty. Out of hardship and adversity comes strength and courage.

So, I hadn't given up on finding these things. I had only started to work on things that had bothered me in my life. Things like my friendships and things like my schooling.

I think it is always around this time, with a new year once again blossoming on the horizon, that I look to what the future may hold for me.

Recently, I've met a wonderful guy on the internet. We haven't jumped into heavy flirting, we haven't talked dirty. It was simply a good old fashioned meeting of two strangers who would then begin to share nice long conversations.

This guy and I have many things in common and it's always a delight to talk to him. If this were the past, I would have jumped into this whole thing with a relationship in mind, right off the bat. Without even ever having met him. But this time, it was different. I've become a different person, because I wasn't desperate for things to be anymore than they were.

This has been a gift. How much I have learnt and grown in the past six months have been a blessing. Because I'm realizing what really matters in my life, and who really matters. I'm learning what I should be spending my time focusing on.

I don't need a man in my life to be worth something. I don't need a man in my life to know that I am a good person, or a beautiful person. Those are things I have to know inside of myself. Like knowing that I have the potential to be an amazing student, or knowing that my life has a lot in store for me.

Life seems to be just one big gorgeous prospect right now. And hey. It may not always be that way, and it may not always feel wonderful. I know that in the past it hasn't always felt that way. But if I can just take a little piece of this moment and keep it with me, then I'll be alright.

If I will just remember that I've made it this far and that things could always be worse, then I will be just fine. If I do my damndest and work my butt off, I can have anything that I strive for. Life is one big opportunity. And I'd be a fool not to take it.

There are still so many things I want to do and experience. Learn and accomplish.

So even if this guy and I don't work out, or even if I don't end up staying in Kansas, or if my best friend and I get in a fight...I will always have myself. I will always have the knowledge that this is not the end, if I don't want it to be. I can always work harder, and think bigger.

And as long as there's that to hold onto (along with my sense of humor.) then I can always bring Love & happiness into my life. No matter what.

This is a lesson I am beginning to learn.

And lord it is beautiful.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First



(picture from: http://www.successinspired.com/wp-content/uploads/Happiness--Henry-David-Thoreau-Magnet-C11750605.jpg )

Winter song

It is snowing outside. Today is Tuesday which means my first class is at 9:30 in the morning. It wasn't snowing at first. But it was really chilly and so I put on a scarf.

I wish I had gloves, so that I could wear them and not have my fingers freeze off. But anyway, I don't and so I just stick my hands in my pocket.

I was in the middle of giving my final presentation in my PRE class and it just started flurries and then full on snowing.

It is so beautiful. I wish I could go out and play in it. I wish I could go home and curl up on the couch and drink hot chocolate while watching old movies that I love.

There's a lot of things I wish for. Especially in the face of a new year.

I'm happy that I'm trying to better my life by moving to Minnesota and getting job and just really integrating myself into the community up there.

Still, this holiday is going to be hard. Not christmas, but new years.

Last new years I was with Derrick and Alex. We sat around playing cards and eating chips and queso, while listening to Melissa Etheridge. We drank sparkling cider and toasted at midnight.

'It's coming on christmas and they're cutting down trees'. You know that Joanie Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on."

I've been listening to it recently and I don't know. The holidays are supposed to be a good time, and even though I'm not depressed and even though I'm not entirely sad...I still can't stop feeling regret that I'm not his friend.

I'm done apologizing though. There's only so much I can do. There's only so much I am willing to allow myself to do to tell him that I'm sorry.

Especially when he hasn't had the decency to do the same.

But anyway, I'm really happy because I get until the 14th of January off until I have to go back to class. Mom and I are planning on maybe going to visit Aunt V and the new baby after I'm off.

But we're not sure if that's going to happen.

I would really love to see how Tim is adjusting to being a father. I love that kid. He's been like a brother to me. It is sad that we don't talk more.

Like I said, a lot of things are sad to me.

Still I'm going to be happy to spend time with my families. I love doing christmas things. It isn't the presents, it's all the tradition. Baking cookies with my grandmother on christmas eve.

Opening the one present on christmas eve. Watching cheesy old movies on the couch, and eating popcorn. Doing finger paintings and making chains from construction paper.

It's things like these that warm my heart and my spirit. So maybe...just maybe things will turn out better than I expect.

I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall gently outside the window. And as I do, I'm thinking of all of you. And wishing you a happy holiday and a better new year.

Much Love.

J

All the world's a blur.

I'm so apathetic these days. I just want to get out of (L) so badly.

All I ever do is go to school and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of waking up to get to the bus and I'm sick of walking all over campus to get to my classes.

I'm sick of riding the bus and I'm sick of never eating lunch and I'm sick of just having enough money to get back home and be with my friends and mother only on the weekends.

I'm sick of staying in this freakin' apartment, and I'm sick of eating frozen pizza for dinner every dang night.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

Minnesota is my out. And I have to wait for it. It was too perfect because I was going to leave this place and I was going to a different state entirely and I was going to do it all by January. Then I find out that I'm not leaving until the house in Westmorland is sold.

I'm not complaining about living there after I get out of (L) but I'm complaining because I have another 5 friggin months before that's a reality.

I love my sister, and I love that she's given me this opportunity to be here. I just hate the place is all.

It really isn't anyone's fault. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm 18 years old for crying out loud, and I'm still being treated like I'm a child. That is mostly my fault. I don't say no to my mother or sister when they offer me their help. I ask for it often in fact.

But being in (L) has just put me in the worst place possible, emotionally. In Minnesota, I'm going to have a job and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to join a writing group and take cooking classes.

I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to live my life. And what if it's too late? What if something awful happens during the 5 months I'm stuck here, and I can't leave??

I want to go out on my own and make my own life. That's what all this is about. Instead, I'm living with my sister, whom I've known my whole life. In an apartment in a town that I hate. I'm going to school at a college where I'm not happy.

So yes, I'm apathetic. Yes I don't care about anything in (L). But it's because it's become a prison to me.

I will wait. As Melissa says, I'll pace my cage every morning and rattle my chains every night, I'll stare past the bars never knowing, with nothing left to put up a fight.

I will bide my time, and all the world will be a blur.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. The First

Shame on America

It is amazing to me that in our country, the one founded and created on principles and ideals of freedom and equality, that there is still discrimination and hatred going on around us.

Society has chosen minority after minority to pick on because of all their problems and issues they can't take credit for.

Except this time, they've gone too far. They've taken away the right in 1 of the 2 states that even allow gay people to marry.

What I want to know is, how in the hell the churches and people that funded this to pass, can sleep at night. That's what I want to know.

I want to know that if they are such ''good people'' why they couldn't have used that money on something useful, like building hospitals in Africa, or donating to the homeless shelters, or breast cancer research, or AIDS research?

It is said that the supporters of prop 8 spent about $35.8 million dollars on this campaign. Why?
Is it really so big of a deal for gay people to have equal footing in this country? Is it really such a big deal if Adam and Steve do get married and have a happy, loving, stable home life?

In fact isn't that one of the major complaints about the gay community? That they are wild and out of control, party goers?

So then why are you trying to stop those of us who want to settle down with the love of our lives, from doing so?

A lot of people used to think that if we ever had a black president, the world would collapse. Well America, Obama has been elected and guess what? Life goes on. Volcanoes didn't erupt, frogs didn't fall from the sky, and all the worlds first born children did not die of God's wrathful smite.

For something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of America, and only involves the two loving people who want to get married, this sure is the most ridiculous thing since Anita Bryant.

What I also want to know is how in the world, did America allow this to happen? How could you take away the few rights that we've worked so hard to gain? How could you allow for us to be publicly embarrased like that?

You know what I have to say to you? SHAME. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON AMERICA.

I promise you, as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will fight. I will protest and demonstrate and you will see a force the likes of which you have never seen before.

I will not stop. I will not go away. I will not be silenced.

I am a Fucking American Damn it.

-J.H.-

Realize

So much has changed in so little time. I haven't stopped to really digest any of it.

In my last post I told [Derrick] that I wasn't going to contact him anymore or check up on him. And then I did. I didn't want a response from him, I just needed him to know that I was sorry for what I said to him.

Except part of me was hoping that he would respond. It doesn't matter of course, if he did. I'd still be moving to Minnesota in a year and I'd still be living my life away from Wichita.

Only, I know why he doesn't respond. It's because he still thinks I'm crazy. And...what if I am? What if there are things that I do, that I don't even realize I am doing? What if everything I say to him now has a tint of insanity to it?

I know that by contacting him, I probably only reaffirmed in his mind that I'm still desperate for him, except that I'm not. He is so different now than he ever was before. I don't even know who the hell he is! So how can I possibly love him?

It's perfectly clear how much he has changed...but how much have I changed? How many little things don't I know about myself? I spent so much time trying to reconcile the past that I forgot about my present. And subsequently my future is getting pissed on.

I don't blame anyone but myself. This whole "derrick debacle" as I like to call it, has cost me way more trouble than it was worth. I'm worried that this whole thing will keep me from ever letting myself feel what love can be.

To be honest, I have cried a handful of times about this. The rest of the time, I'm ignoring it. It's like Melissa Etheridge says in her song (lyrics below) 'Ruins'. "If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel."

I don't think I've allowed myself to really feel the pain. I don't think I've really come to appreciate the gravity of what's happened. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Either way, I apologized, and that's it. That's the only thing I had left to say. The only thing I had to offer. And yeah, it would've been nice to get a response. It would have been nice to hear him say he's sorry for once.

After that email I said, "I'm done apologizing." Because I am. I am so sick and tired of being the one to apologize to the people who have hurt me. Somehow, my self-esteem is so low that I would be willing to accept someone back into my life after they have shit all over me.

Who does that? Why??? I am so...angry with myself. Everytime I think about all the people who I've lost over the years, I always feel regret, and the people who've hurt me? They get off Scot-Free. They probably don't even bat an eye when they think about what they've done.

Anyway. It's a part of the growing up I still have to do. I have to learn when enough is enough. I have to learn when to walk away. I have to learn that even a glutton for punishment has his limits. That is exactly how I feel about my life: I'm a glutton for punishment.

Sometimes I do know that I get intense. I'm not sorry for that. I have feelings, and I'm not going to be afraid to feel them. I'm not going to apologize because I care about someone, and tell them so. I'm not going to apologize because I let that person wholly into my life, because I wanted them there.

I will always feel strongly about everything I do. That includes love. That includes friendship. And I think people can misinterpret that, as insanity. What I think is insane, is living your life being dull, and never allowing yourself to push your limits.

I know I've gone off on a tangent, but please bear with me.

If there is anything this experience has done for me, it is that I am beginning to realize all that I am. Maybe some of those parts of me aren't pretty. Maybe some of the things I say or do are strange. But everyone has their little idiosyncracies, and if someone will not accept me because of mine then FUCK 'EM.

I'm a young adult. I'm growing up...and it sucks. Jesus it sucks. But I do know there is a lot I am doing to better myself. I am taking control of my future by moving to Minnesota. I'm taking control of my future by deciding where * I * want to go to college. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I am going to exercise. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I'm not going to date, for a really long time.

I'm taking the steps. I'm going to "Fake it, until I make it." Do the action, and the feeling will follow.

The thing is...it's not about what Derrick thinks of me. But it's a problem when I can't separate what he thinks of me, from what I think of me. I need to know that I'm not crazy. I need to know that I'm not too strange.
I need to feel some iota of normalcy in this thing called life.

I will move. When I do, I can meet new people and do new things. I won't be in the shadow of my past. I'm going to create new friends and new memories. And I'll meet people who make me feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of my soul will finally come back. Those years of my life that I've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade.*

It feels like starting from scratch. I've gotten over him, but...what does life after him mean?

The question, I will begin to explore from this point on will no longer be: Will he ever accept me?, it is going to be: Who am I?

What does being me, mean?

I'm legally an adult. It's time I find out.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


* This is based on a quote in the movie "The holiday." Starring Kate Winslet.


Ruins - Melissa Etheridge
Don't try to call
There are some bridges that burned
Beyond recognition beyond repair

Don't say you've changed
There are some forces that turned
Beyond recollection beyond my stare

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know you're there.

Long ago I was a woman in pain,
A woman in need,
I ran to you.

Long ago I did not understand
You were making me bleed
I ran to you

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know what you do

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

I know your heart
has held its own fear
It's perfectly clear
What they did to you

But in my heart it's the screaming I hear
I won't let them come near
Since my love knew you
When I feel the cold in the dark
I remember you.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

Night after night
I am carving it out
I will carry it down to the waterside

Night after night
I am hearing the sound
Of wings that come beating
I will not hide.

When I feel the cold in the dark,
I will know why.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

But if I am to heal
I must first learn to feel
In the ruins.
I will crawl
I will crawl
I will cra-a-a-awl.

Selfish

There is nothing that I ever wanted more than to see you happy.

Except I always thought, selfishly, that happiness would include me.

If ever there was a time that you felt betrayed by me, scared of me, hurt by me, angry at me: it has been because I was selfish, and because the we were both too damn stubborn to take any blame.

I always want the last word, and I got it. Except somehow, I don't sleep better at night after saying those things to you, and apparantly they have no affect on you.

In the end, all I did was make you hate me. All I did was make a mockery of myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

The strongest thing I've felt for you is love, and that wasn't enough because it was selfish. I never once took into consideration how you might be feeling about all of this. Maybe you didn't offer it, but I didn't have to take that chance from you.

I deserve all the tears I can cry for saying those things, and even though I also deserve better than what you gave me, I know you'll never be sorry for any of it.

You have what you have always wanted, and you don't care what happens to me now.

At first, I didn't know why I was checking up on you. For the past three nights in a row I've dreamed of you, and I had been doing SO good keeping away from you. I thought maybe it was a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. I haven't talked to you and I probably never will. But at least now I know...you're with him again.

I think I was meant to see that. I really have been feeling better about where I'm at with this whole thing, and I haven't thought about you in a while. So I guess this was kind of like the end of my closure.

I know that you won't ever need closure, because you never really cared but, in case you were wondering...It's ok. I'm glad you found what you needed.

And even though you're not wondering: I'm the only one.

I'm ready to move on all the way now. I will in no way ever again speak to, or check up on you.

I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to be unselfish.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Gotta follow that dream...

So recently I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life in L-Town and...how maybe I need to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this wonderful opportunity I've had, but...there are just so many things going through my head right now.

All college professors have to go through the same certification process, in order to be certified. Right? Right. So any college really would be the same, if you want to talk about it. And save me the outraged cries of "Not really" and "What about Harvard?"

I think that I've gotten all I can out of Lawrence for the time being. I feel a lot of things about my daily routine that just...I don't know.

From the get go, I've had trouble getting used to my surroudings. I'm a very introverted person, which means that I get exhausted by people. And all the traveling I have to do just so that I can do some more travelling on campus? Sooo not worth it.

You know college campuses gouge you. You do know that right? Like all the fees that they charge for parking, and food and dorms? That's how they make all of their money. If you were really just paying for an education and not all those extra things, then I bet the bill would be a lot cheaper.

Also, this small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment is just not going to cut it for three people. I'm sorry if that sounds spoiled or whatever, but I just need my space. The wall are paper thin, the food is scarce and the company can't really be called company.

I need to feel like I'm apart of this community. But look at jobs for instance. In a college town, it is logical to assume that the demand for jobs will far outweigh the supply of jobs. Which means that it's a competitive job market here. So when the time comes that I'm paying for everything on my own, how can I expect to be able to rely on the chance of getting a job here??

On top of which, I have no roommate prospects for next year, so that's going badly.

I really feel like there's so much more out there that would be better suited for me than to live in Lawrence and go to school in L-Town.

I'm young. I have nothing tying me down to this place. No lease, no job and my education for the semester will be over in a few months. Which means that I'm...free. And that's a good feeling. I have come up with a plan. I'm going to find a way to move back to Wichita, and then go to school there.

Then after spring semester, I'm going to move to Minnesota for a year and a half. My mother is going to be living there and she has agreed to house me as long as I'm working or going to school (and I'm going to be doing both). As for school, I'm going to try and get as much financial aid as possible along with the fact that I'll be working. I'm going to do online schooling. For me that makes so much more sense.

I won't have to do any traveling to campus, I won't have to wake up early to catch the bus, and the flexible schedule allows for a lot of time for homework and a real life. I have plans to get involved in the community. I want to join a gym and a writer's group. I want to take cooking lessons, or at least watch some Rachel Ray because cooking has always been an interest I would like to have learned about.

I have come to realize there are so many more opportunities for me out there in the world. Bigger than Kansas. Bigger than KU. Bigger than Lawrence. I feel trapped here. Don't ask me why but I just do.

Now that I am trying to take control of my own future and now that I am deciding where * I * want to go and not where my family wants me to go, then I'll start feeling like an adult. Maybe I'm being stupid about this. Maybe I have it better than I realize (and I realize that I do indeed have it good). But if I can make it better, and I have that chance...why would I not take it??

There are so many things I want to do in my future, and none of it can be accomplished here. I don't *want* any of it to be accomplished here. I need to feel like I'm making my own decisions. And hey, if it ends up being fucked up, well then I can't blame anybody but myself.

Now is the time. Now, when I'm young and when I've got nothing to lose. So I'm doing it. I'm setting out on the path to becoming my own person.

Wish me luck.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Quitting Point

At what point do we quit? That question has been on my mind lately.

When is it that we become so disheartened that we just give up?


There are times when I believe I've reached that point. But the nights eventually turn into days and I get up because I have responsibilities. To everyone. To myself.


The movie "The Wedding Date" has a quote that says something along the lines of "Every girl has the exact love life that she wants." And what if that's true? What if in our hearts we are exactly where we want to be? What if our minds tell us we want something different?


I'm writing tonight because I have been searching for love, practically hunting it down avidly, for the past 4 years of my life. Yet I still have not had a boyfriend, I've been on three dates total, and I feel like I've been cheated.


They say that 'the universe listens' and 'The Secret' is all about wanting something and letting yourself have it. What the hell is that? I've wanted a boyfriend, a relationship for 4 years. How much wishing do I have to do to get one?


Tonight as I was talking to my cousin, whom is in a desperate situation, he told me 'I've accepted my situation.' How sad is that? When you have to 'accept' your 'situation'?


What if I don't WANT to accept my situation? What if I demand my happiness?


I know it doesn't change anything. I'll still wake up tomorrow, alone. I'll still spend my saturday doing laundry and writing.


I spend so much of my time worrying about what boys think about me. What people must think about me. I'm too fat, my hair is awful and if I had anymore oil on my face you would have thought someone rubbed popcorn all over it.


Most of the time, I can control these thoughts. My hair isn't that bad, I'm not THAT overweight. I've lost weight since coming to college.


But really, when I do make an effort and STILL it doesn't matter, why should I bother?

Why don't I just go through my days looking my worst? Because I would get the same result as now. What's the point in wishing for something that I don't think is going to happen?


Oh call me cynical. But really? I only think it isn't going to happen because it hasn't already. All these years of trying to find the right combination of style, haircut and hygene and for what? for WHAT?


People try their damndest every day. To: get that promotion, to finally get their significant other to pop the question, to finish that thesis paper. And every day, there's someone that gets shit on. They get passed over on the promotion because they're gay. Their significant other is still seeing their Ex-lover. The thesis paper was good but not good enough.


So at what point do we just say: "Ok life! I give up! I'm done! You win!" ?


At what point is that ok?


Because I am sooo close to that. I want to do it now, just forget about everything and everyone and just say 'fuck it.'


I put soo much thought and energy into thinking about finally finding someone. Now I'm just...starting to get bitter. I just want say "FUCK YOU LOVE."


But somehow...I can't bring myself to do so...because it STILL wouldn't make a difference.


I don't expect anyone to understand where this is all coming from. But believe me, it is frustrating as hell.


I'm sorry to have unleashed all of that on you.


That's all.


J.H.

And when I look at myself in the mirror...

Hey, this one's going to be a little short, because I'm at school and I've only got twenty minutes before my next class.

I just...wanted to write an entry because I was online and I've been thinking alot lately about myself.

I actually did all of my homework yesterday! I came to class feeling totally prepared and it was a great feeling, let me tell you. I felt like I was on top of things.

But there's still alot of things I need to work on before I can feel better.

You see I've taken myself off the dating market, and I'm not going back on it no matter what until I am completely satisfied with who I am.

I have to start exercising on a regular basis, and I've got to make sure I have all my responsibilities taken care of before doing something else for fun. I'm also trying to figure out how I can take care of myself financially. I know I don't have to do it right now, but eventually I have to be able to pay my dad for my sophomore year of college.

That's going to suck, but I've got to stick to it. My mother said she would pay me to help her renovate the westy hosue this summer, so I'm going to do that obviously. (free meals and free room and board and all that.)

Anyway, I just...I've been realizing how much I've changed over the past few months. And why. If Derrick hadn't broken my heart I wouldn't be where I am today. I would not be as motivated, as emotionally developed or as strong.

So in the words of Christina Aguilera: Thanks for making me a fighter.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Home is where my heart is and where it shall remain

They always say 'Home is where the heart is', and for me this is true.

For a few weeks now, the question has been, where is home?

As a college student I am going through what all of us go through: the transition from high school to college. From teenager to young adult. More responsibilities are being layed upon us all to grow up, take care of ourselves, and eventually kick-start our way into the 'real-world'.

I don't dispute that I do live in L-Town now, and I do love it here, but when I visit the place that I called home for a 3/4's of my life I realize that my heart will always be there. Maybe not always, but as long as I still have people I care about there. As long as I still have family there, and as long as I feel like that's where I belong.

I know that I'm still setting up a life here (hell I haven't even unpacked all my things) but I'll always know that this place? Is just a temporary place that I'll live in until I find my path in life. It doesn't mean that I won't enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I won't be sad to see it go, four years down the road, but there is no doubt in my mind that I don't really belong here.

I have goals and I have dreams and they don't involve Kansas. As much as it would pain me to say goodbye, I know it will be worth it when I say 'hello' to my future. To where I've been working towards all these years, and will continue to work towards.

Lately I've been seeing a lot of empowering movies. Oh sure, alot of movies are empowering, but it's the ones that show people who had circumstances standing in their way of happiness and seeing them overcome those circumstances that really gives me hope.

The Last Holiday, The Women, Sex and the City. All are great movies. All have given me comfort these past few days.

They make my goals seem more obtainable, my burdens less heavy. Still, I'm here.

It's Sunday evening and I have just returned from my hometown. I didn't let anyone know that I was coming, and I didn't make any plans. For once in all the times that I have been there, I truly felt relaxed. I helped my mother fix her basement carpet, I watched movies, I surfed the web at leisure. I didn't have any obligations.

Always there was this pressure of letting everyone know I was coming, and seeing if they could fit me in their schedule, and instead of all that I just said 'forget it. This weekend is about me and my mother, and enjoying ourselves'. That is exactly what we did.

I wasn't...sad to come back to Lawrence per ce. I was just...homesick. On the ride home I was thinking about the apartment that I'm staying in, and I was thinking about how much I always miss my mother. How lonely it can get sometimes when you're away from those you care about most.

I came 'home', turned on my television and put in Queer As Folk to comfort me. It was the one where Michael came back from Oregon, and he was ashamed to be back, because that meant he had failed in his new life.

I can relate to Michael, in fact, I was a little afraid that maybe I might not succeed in my own new life.

Then Ted sat beside him, put his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "As for coming home, there's no shame in that, it's what it's here for."

So tonight when I got to bed and I think about my mother and her adorable puppy Denver, and even if I dream about them, I won't feel bad.

Because home?

It's where my heart is, and where it shall remain.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Metamorphoses

I'm hurt. I've been hurting, for a while now. Only I haven't been admitting it to myself. Because it's been more than six months and I should be over him. Everyone expects me to be over him. For so long, I've been telling myself that I'm moving on, and that I am working towards a better life for myself.

But for the past six months I've been hiding behind a facade of change and healing. I haven't been healing. I've been mourning. I've been mourning the death of myself. I've been clinging on to who I was, when I knew him, because it was just another way to keep him.

The truth is, I've been angry and bitter. About life. Where before I was happy and nonchalant to the point that I was carefree.

Except now I'm waking up. I can breathe again. It's been so long since I've felt...in control and alive.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way before.

I was watching 'My Best Friend's Wedding', and of course marveling at the amazing Julia Roberts, when it occured to me. I am Julia. So to speak. I am that girl. Who is still in love with the groom, and still waiting for him to realize that he's in love with me.

Except that moment doesn't come. He still marries Cameron Diaz, and she is still alone. And I sat there thinking to myself, that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be at his wedding, pining away for him, trying to make him see me. Because he doesn't see me. He hasn't for a long time.

That life ends for Julia, when the credits roll, but what of me? I can't just stay frozen forever in a period in my life where loving him is still ok. Because it's not.

The other day I cracked. I sent him a text message, because I was having a weak moment. We've been talking off and on, but mostly just because I start topics of conversation randomly. It just makes me feel...pathetic. I've allowed myself to become someone I don't recognize.

I've been blaming love and him for the longest time. I've hidden under a shroud of pain and hurt and used it, as an excuse, to stop living. To just give up.

I don't know why I'm so attached to him. I don't know why I can't just fucking let him go already.

But I've done it. I've realized it, for real this time. That I'm in a far worse place than I thought. That I can't just sit here and tell everyone through my blog that I'm over him and then be done with the matter. That's not how it works.

I haven't let myself properly deal with all of this. I shouldn't be talking to him! I should be telling him to fuck off if he comes within a five mile radius of me.

I was in the shower after the movie, and I just...lost it. That's when I knew. I had to change, I had to let him go, because there's a whole big world out there outside of Kansas. Outside of Wichita, outside of loving him...something that was apart of my world for two and a half years.

All these years, I've been catering to other people. I've been...loyal, nice, true, honest, helpful (to the point where it becomes a hindrance to me.) And while it is good to have these traits in spades, I can no longer push myself aside for others.

I've been existing for 18 years now. I haven't lived a single day.

It feels like, all my life I've been waiting for something to happen that changes my world, that makes everything technicolor where before it was black and white.

I'm 18 and I don't know who I am. Not completely. Or at least...I haven't allowed myself to become who it is that I really am inside, because I don't know...some part of me was afraid that nobody would love the real me. Including myself, if I got to know myself.

So that's changing now. I don't know why this happened, I don't really know how...but I thank god that it did.

I am going to spend the rest of my time on this earth, however long that may be, discovering who I really am, and just...being.

I'm not going to worry about love or hate, I'm not going to stress because I got a $20 parking ticket or I didn't get my math homework done. I'm just going to be.

Tomorrow, when I wake up. I'm going to smile, thank god that I opened my eyes, and I am going to be content in the knowledge that I am ok.

Hello world.

This is me. This is my metamorphoses.

J.H.

Off to get a good ole' edeekashun.

Well I'm here. I'm in lawrence now, and I'm officially living 'on my own'. Of course it would be more official if I wasn't living with my sister...but then I wouldn't have my own room, so I don't really mind.

I can't believe it. I'm in college! The feeling is...so weird. In a few years I'll be where Carissa's at: Ready to graduate with a degree and start a job in the 'real world'. I'm interested to discover in which ways I will grow. I can't wait to meet new people and get involved in awesome activities.

I already miss my friends back in Tal-Town. Go figure. But I'll see them again, when I visit them or they visit me. It's strange to think that they won't be a central part of my life anymore. A lot of things are strange these days.

It feels so weird to call this place home. A place that I've only ever visited and never really thought about living. I'm still completely lost when it comes to streets and all that. I guess it'll take me awhile before I'm as good as Carissa at navigating Lawrence.

Xander takes some getting used to. I miss my Denver though. For some reason, Xander looks odd to me, and Denver is just sooooo cute. I won't miss him waking me up at 9 in the morning though. Whimpering because he's stuck in his crate. I always went to let him out because the way he sounded, it was like we were kicking him instead of putting him in a crate with a blanket and toys. Spoiled little thing.

I'm so anxious for classes to start. I wish they were already beginning, but I found out that they don't start until Thursday. Bleh. I guess now I'll have time to really unpack, at my own pace, and set everything up. I do, after all, have a reputation to create...being a responsible student and all.

T's here already too! That's a plus. She's a great friend of mine, and she's taking band so they make her come up here early. Tee! Tomorrow she said she wanted to have lunch with me! WOOT, and we get to watch Queen of the Damned, which I have never seen...which is apparantly a crime in her books. lol.

I finished Breaking Dawn about a week ago! Oh goodness I love the Twilight series. If you have not read it yet, GO! READ. NOW. Remember, the Twilight series by Stephanie Myer. Of course it's a teenager's book about a human falling in love with a vampire, but I liked it. It was intriguing.

I feel like I have nothing to do here though. That's a bit of a problem. I don't know anyone, except Yace, Carissa and Jules. Bleh. I love the girls to death, but Carissa and Jules are working girls. What am I to do all day, till I get a job and start school???

I'm saving up for a new phone. I want to get like a PDA/Palm Pilot type phone. I already went and picked it out at the verizon store, and it's about $170. I've got $50 of that though, thanks to one of dad's friends who sent me graduation money. :D And I think it'll be nice to have something to call my own as well, that I bought with money I saved.

I could've bought it if Mom hadn't have gone away for that entire month that I had to feed and entertain myself...and fix her ant problem, and go grocery shopping. Let me tell you what, seeing that I spent most of my money on that, bites the big one. For reals.

I always feel guilty when it comes to money though. I hate hate hate it when my mother has to transfer money because I'm close to getting an overdraft fee or something. I always feel so careless...and then starts the thoughts of me not being able to handle money, and never being able to make it on my own when I don't have her there to help me. *sigh*

So that's why I'm getting a job as soon as I can. So that she doesn't have to worry about that stuff, and Carissa either. I can help out with the internet bill and the groceries. And I can stock the fridge with whatever I want. Of course I'll ask that they not touch certain items, but I'll share too. :D

I guess the only thing left to do now, besides unpacking I mean, is to find a decent chinese place.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Decidedly Optimistic

For the first time in a long time I'm feeling...decidedly optimistic. Everything is running smoothly, I believe. And even if it's not, it sure feels like it.

I checked my email today and guess what? My blog is to be featured on http://www.verveearth.com/ !!! I'm really excited about it. They emailed me sometime back in May when I still had my other blog, but the MO is still the same for this blog, so I thought, why the heck not?

That being said, I'm going to take a moment and be a shameless website pimp and market my sites. Aside from this one, I have a role-playing forum that I just created not too long ago with my cousin. You can find it here. It has a fantasy role-playing game that involves magic and mystical creatures, and there's also a star trek RP on there. Bet you didn't know I was a bit Role-playing geek, did ya? (*snickers*)

Now that I have my apparant geekiness out of the way, I'll get to my regular posting material. I'm thinking about starting a podcast, although I'm not sure what it would be about. If I do get one started, I shall definitly let everyone know. Also I'm currently working on a novel. I've got part of Chapter 1 completed, and although it'll take a while for me to finish, I am really excited about it. It's always been a dream, and a life-long goal of mine to write a book and have it published.

Aside from that I've just been generally trying to enjoy my last few days/weeks before school starts. I've begun to feel like I'm ready to handle what the world has to throw at me. Do you know how amazing that is? To feel so bogged down, and so emotionally vulnerable and then all the sudden to just decide to let it go and enjoy life? Just let it go. That's all I had to do.

It puzzles me that I couldn't figure this out before. I've ultimatley decided to go with the flow, wherever my life leads me. New opportunities (like the one listed above) will crop up, and new people will come in to my life, and I know it'll be great. I don't know how I know, but I am positive that my life will be fine.

I'm sure I'll still complain a little bit along the way, but other than that, I will end up ok. And that's really all any of us want, I think. Is to know that their own lives will be validated through their own eyes and that they will be happy with what happens to them.

Constantly people make something of themselves from nothing, and those people? They chose to be happy in life, and in doing so, they changed their circumstances all on their own to become a success. Examples are all around you. and I think I'm about to become one as well.

In regards to my (non-existent) romantic life, I have decided to step out of the market for a while. I'm still not satisfied with my body, and I'm steadily working on changing that. I'm not unhappy by any means, because this issue doesn't consume my life, however I know that I'll view things differently when I'm done with this self-improvement endeavor.

If you're unhappy about something in your life, why just sit there and be unhappy about it? Do something about it, if you can! And most of the time, I've learned that you can. It just makes so much sense to do. The movie that drives this point home is "Wanted" with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. The song that drives this point home is "Open your Mind" by Melissa Etheridge (and really the last five or so songs of her album "The Awakening").

Everything, I must say, is alright with me. I'm happy again.

I'm decidedly...optimistic.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'll pack my bags and load up my guitar, in my pocket I'll carry my heart

Hey everyone, from the great state of Colorado. I'm here on a business trip with my mother, keeping her company. It's been fun so far. We drove the 8 hours it took us to get here, and then we checked in at the holidome. Usually the Holiday Inn is pretty well kept, especially the holidome, but this one SUCKED. It was old and rickety, the door didn't close or open very well. You could hear practically everything through the paper thin walls, and to top it all off the pool was closed. We did try to soak up the heat in the hot tub, but the temperature was so high I thought they were cooking us for dinner.

So we left and came to a different Holiday Inn. The pool isn't as big, but it's more clean and the hot tub doesn't try to fry your skin off. It's also a lot more modern looking. So I'm pretty happy about that.

Our dinner affairs have been pretty good, to me. The first night we were here we chose to eat at a local restaurant called "The Keg". It sounded like the inside would look much like the steakhouses at home: peanut shells on the floor, country music blaring, and cute rough and country cowboys serving you your steak with a wink. Nope, no such luck. Inside was a gorgeous uptown looking interior, belonging to some of the nicer eating establishments back home such as Kwan Court. They served us bread as an appetizer and the manager came over to welcome us and give us a free dish of shrimp with some sort of sauce, which I didn't touch because I like my shrimp breaded. Mom said it tasted like Shrimp sushi. We've also been to Outback, and Village Inn. I think we're going to a sushi place tonight, then to catch an early movie.

So yesterday was eventful...I got to stay at the hotel while my mother went to work. She said she would pop in and pop back out, just showing her face, except it wasn't like that. She was gone for about 5 hours. I mostly read and used the internet.

I don't think I mentioned but I'm going to be visiting family up in Oregon in the next week or two. That wouldn't be a problem ordinarily, except I forgot that I made plans with Derrick on the 19th.

Now let me explain. I'm leaving for college in the fall right? So I figured, one last chance to see him before I move on. But none of my friends really like him, so I decided we should have our own separate goodbye. So I invited him out on the 19th. Fast forward to yesterday. I texted him, after contemplating sending him a message on facebook. I felt it more appropriate to just text him, so I did, telling him I couldn't make it on the 19th and we'd have to reschedule. I also mentioned this cute guy that wasn't Alex that was sitting with him in his profile picture.

I asked questions naturally, because hey, Derrick might as well be SOME use to me right? So after he answers a few questions, I ask him if he could introduce me to the guy if he didn't have a boyfriend...and in reply Derrick says: "Actually he's kinda my boyfriend."

My jaw dropped, my chest ached and my throat tightened. What the fuck. I confronted him about Alex and he said that they were in an open-relationship and that it would take a long time for Alex to earn his whole heart back.

I was floored. Like I had been slapped. So they're seeing other people? All this time I was ok, because at least it was only Alex. At least I knew what I was up against, but this? This was new territory. I was angry and I wanted to call him and bitch him out.

I wanted to scream at him: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?"

I wanted to call and tell him I wasn't going to be his friend...and then that's when I realized something. I already wasn't his friend. I was just this person who used to be his friend, but was now in love with him. Desperately, deeply, and undeniably in love with him.

With that realization came a new conclusion. This wasn't the Derrick I knew. The Derrick I knew was loyal, believed in monogamy, was against smoking cigarettes and liked to spend most of his time at home playing video games and writing for his gaming blog. This new person, this social butterfly that juggles two guys at the same time and gets drunk on the weekends. This other Derrick I knew nothing about.

I came to know then that the Derrick I knew was gone. Alex saw to that. And chances are, he wasn't coming back.

Later that night I was eating dinner, across from my mother and we were talking. As we were my mind drifted to the course my life had taken since that fateful Valentines day. He shut the door on me that day, and no window opened in it's place. What's worse is, that metaphorically? It's a glass door, so I can see what is going on in his life but I can't break through. We're separated by sheets of lock and glass. He's made sure of that. To once have the key to that door and now be on the outside looking in? It hurts...so bad that you can't imagine the pain. To used to be a major part of each other's lives and then be shut out.

I am better than I was 6 months ago. I no longer need him in my life, because I've gone through the process needed to make my life about me again. But not needing him, and not wanting him are two separate things. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I've crossed over to the dark side with him already. I've already fallen for him, and so friendship to me would only be like torturing myself. Putting a cookie in front of my face when I'm on a diet. That's what it would be like.

So finally, and without any notice for him. I just simply turned my back on that glass door. It's still in my peripherals, sure. But not in my full line of sight. He will be in the back of my mind for god knows how long, but I've taken this final step towards ending the journey. Towards ending my torture. And I've taken it for no one else.

Finally, I've done something right, for me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim; I'm sad to say I miss my friends

"Why do I give my heart away to trash?" Emmett Honeycutt wonders aloud on my television screen.
I know what Emmett means when he says this, because I too give my heart to the unworthy. Except that's just it isn't it? We don't believe we're worthy of someone's love that will treat us right and do good by us.

I came to this conclusion tonight because I was thinking about Derrick. Yes, I still slip and do that sometimes. He's online right now, and I forgot that he and I are friends on msn messenger. I have my status set to "Appear Offline" automatically so he has no idea that I am on the internet. And besides feeling like a creeper, I feel like something far worse: unworthy.

I miss him, and I miss his friendship. But I only remember the good. I'm trying so hard right now to think about the reasons why I gave up our friendship. I know why. I've hashed and rehashed the issues right here in this very blog.

I went to KU's Freshman Orientation these past two days. Along with me came two of my very close friends. I had an ok time, but it was a lot of work on my part. Getting up early and filling out a lot of paperwork. I suppose I should start getting used to it.

But on the way home I was thinking about all that I was going to be leaving behind when I moved up to the University. I'm leaving behind some good friends, some good memories. I'm leaving behind...familiarity. I'm leaving behind...my old self. Can I make a confession? I'm scared.

Sure everyone's a little scared moving somewhere completely new...but on top of that fear is a sense of misdirection. I'm lost. I don't know where I am in my life. It's like I'm stuck in between my old life and my new one.

So sometimes I want to combine the two. How does this all connect, you ask? I was thinking about the going away party I am going to be hosting, and the guest list. Should I invite Derrick? It's a question that has been bothering me these past few days.

I don't have such romantic feelings for him anymore, per se. But what if he wants to bring Alex? I'm not ready for that. What if it's awkward? What if he shows up, takes one look around and then leaves?

I know what Mama S would say. She would say, "It doesn't matter honey, he's not worth it." or "You'll meet plenty of great guys in college, trust me."

But I can't help noticing my own behavior at Orientation. I was social at times, but others I was downright guarded. I think I make myself appear closed off and nonchalant because I don't want people to talk to me. I'm always thinking about what others are thinking about me. 'Oh he's too fat' or 'he's too much of a dork'.

I hate it. The feeling makes me want to crawl into bed and never come back out again. Something that's shocking me more to realize tonight, is this: It's not them whose thoughts I should be worried about. It's my own.

Those aren't their voices. They're mine. I'M the one who doesn't think I'm good enough.
Part of me wishes it wasn't that way, but I know that no one else can change that but me. And until then, I won't truly be content. Until I love myself, I can't know the love of others. Getting that love, is unfortunately, harder than writing it all out on a keyboard.

It's a sad day today. This day that I'm realizing I don't really love me. It was a sad day when I realized he didn't love me. I don't want to give my heart away to trash anymore, and I don't want to see it in the garbage ever again. The difference is, I can do something about one of the two people who don't love me.

The scary part is, if I could choose either one to love me, I don't know which one I would choose.

That's all.

-J.H.-

The Sun Never sets on a Bad Ass

Well hello everyone! It's Sunday and I'm at Carissa's apartment in L-town. I came up here for a weekend of debauchery with Jules, K.D., D and Andrea. But only K.D. and her bf and Jules' best friend could make it.

We decided to go camping and so we went out to this neat little camping area about ten minutes away from town.

I brought the tent and the sleeping bags and I ended up buying a lot of other things. I have unfortunately almost depleted the graduation money that I SWORE I would save. *sigh* It was hard for me to accept that I had squandered all that money away, but then I got to thinking about what I used it on. I have used it to have a good time this summer, like my sister did. And although that isn't the most 'logical' thing to do with my money, I figured what the hell; you only live once.

I am however pulling out the remaining funds (however much that may be, and I'm not telling you) and stashing it away from myself. Out of sight, out of mind. Or so I hope.

It is about 1 p.m. and I need to start getting ready to leave. It started to rain last night at like 3 in the A.M. and so I made a mad dash to collect everything valuable and put it in my car. Jules had to take Carissa home about thirty minutes prior to that because she had food poisoning. But don't worry she's fine now.

K.D's tent would NOT have made it through the night so she just packed everything of her's and put it away. We still have the tent and a couple of styrofoam coolers left along with the tent and sleeping bags. We should go get those here pretty soon.

All in all it was an ok night. We couldn't get the fire started to save our life! It was horrible. I mean we did get it ignited but it would only stay burning for like 20 minutes at best. It was so ridiculous. But we did end up making s'mores! Now those were delicious!

I don't know if I've said before but I'm on this massive campaign of self improvement. I am starting to try and keep up better personal hygene (bleh with this spelling!) and I'm going to start going to bed at 10:00 no exception and exercise at the VERY LEAST three times a week. I haven't been doing bad in these areas, but there's always room for improvement, eh?

Speaking of, I've been struggling to stay interested in going to work. I like working there, but it's just that I'm not used to it and I feel like I'm always messing up because sometimes I don't do things the right way and they correct me and. Uh. So It isn't exactly all that fun. But I'm dealing. I'll keep you posted on that area.

Well I had better get in the shower and get ready to leave for tal-town once again. Wish me well!

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

The Summer Wind

It's monday night and it SO does not feel like a monday night. It feels like a friday or sunday night.

Today was good. It was my first day on the job and I trained on register with another really nice girl named courtney, whom I'd seen previously at orientation.

I'm so scared that I'll forget something and then be fired and I don't know. I love this job, but after so long of not having a job and being able to be lazy all day, I just want to go back to that comfortable place on the couch in my pajamas and a glass of coke.

Now don't worry, I won't do that. Despite being frightened about losing my job, I like it there. I had SO much fun today learning to do register. I think I learn to do stock and replenishment tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. But as I said a job is a job and money is money. Money that I need badly. Not only that, but I need to get my big boy britches on and start having a positive attitude.

It's lonely here at the house. I'm alone and the silence is...deafening. I almost always have the television or radio on. It makes me feel like there's someone there to just keep me company. I know I should get used to this sort of thing in case I ever want to live alone. I just...I'm not that kind of person by nature. I love my friends and I love having people around to interact with. I'm just not the type to go places alone.

However, I'm doing everything I can to be responsible. Just the other day I dealt with an ant infestation all on my own. Using my own money and everything. I do the dishes and the laundry and I check the mail and I took out the trash. Oh and I clean up the place more now than ever. The little things like that help to build my confidence that I'll be ok.

Went to Borders with Tess (or T. I use the names interchangeably) today. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and I actually love it. We saw a cookbook there that would be perfect for the two of us: The Guide to College Cooking, to Feed you and your Friends. DON'T quote me on the title because it's paraphrased, but it was fantastic. The recipes looked delicious.

We had dinner at Granite City and (phew that was expensive) went to see Sex and the City (for the fourth time). Today in general was just a feel good day. I got off of work at about 1 p.m. So it was like an early day for me. Tomorrow should be the same. I'll be starting at 1 and ending at 3:30. Just in time to grab a quick bite and go for a walk or bike ride. I know, I lead such an interesting life.

Do you ever get this crazy and restless urge to just go out and do something? I do. Whenever I have a fun and eventful evening and it's over, I yearn to go wild and take a drive, smoke a cig and blast the radio. The problem is I have no place to go. Then I spend all evening sitting at home, eating or doing some other useless activity until bed time. Which I should have gone to bed about two hours ago. I just couldn't sleep.

Anyway, I got contacts today! I picked them up from my eye doctor, and they're just a tester pair, but I'm excited regardless. I look so fantastic in them, especially since the new straightener I bought contains the power of the sun and has kept my hair straight for four days through one straightening. It's insane.

I'm dressing better, looking better, I just need to get to feeling better. I'm sure once I settle into my job it'll be worth it in the end. Especially when I see that first paycheck. I felt really proud today, getting up and going to work. I don't even have to dress a special way, I just get up and go to work. It's actually a blessing. I know plenty of people who put on a uniform and hate it.

Derrick called me the other day and invited me to a party. I declined. And then he invited me out the next night and I also declined. He said Alex was going to be there, the second night. It was so...I don't know. It made me pity him. He's still caught in the game. He's still letting Alex run his life. When will those two learn their lesson? When will he? Alex will always have power over Derrick, because Alex left Derrick both times. If it were me, I could never trust the other person ever again.

It makes me appreciate the strides I have taken to make my life better. I think that's the difference between Derrick and I. He has made his life different, whilst I have strived to make my life better...and yes, there is a difference.

Looking back on the past summers of my life, I cannot remember one that has felt like this. In the way that, this summer, does not feel like summer at all. Maybe it's because I'm grown now. I've got a job and I'm going to go to college in the fall and I know that time is going to go by fast and soon a new change is going to be arriving and I can do nothing to stop it.

The hardest part of growing up is letting go of something you're used to and moving on with something you're not. I know I probably said that somewhere in my last blog, but it's true. If there is any message I leave to you all about childhood it is this: Cherish every moment, for they will soon be gone. The hours of the day will shorten and the worries will grow until soon you spend more time thinking about preparing for the next day than you do living the present one.

I always said that this would never happen to me. It has. Though not completely, because I am still conscious of it. Which means I can affect it, and change it. I'm still working out the finer details but, I do plan on getting the most out of my days.

The hour has grown late and I must retreat to my bed, but I leave knowing that I have given voice to my concern and recognized the importance of living my life to the fullest.

Thank you for being my witness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

I wasn't born a workin man, but I'll do my best

Hello everyone! So I'm uber excited, because I start work tomorrow...ok so I'm not like sooo excited that I'm about to piss my pants but you get the general idea. I'm going to finally have a steady income again and I can do my best to stay on top of my finances.

Anyway it'll just make me feel proud to start paying for my own things again. So I'm going to be starting out at *(blank) an hour at the Gap and the hours are going to be minimal the first week or two. I think that's because we're going to be training all that week, although we're supposed to be trained for like two months...which might spell trouble for me because I don't know if I can handle all that training lol.

I went to the Gap for my orientation night this past thursday and there were all kinds of crazy things going on with the weather that night, so we were sitting there with our employee packets in front of us and the GM gets a call and says that everyone from the neighboring stores are coming down to our basement because of the Tornado sirens. Scary huh? So we lost about a good 45 minutes in there, but we still got out on time because the GM didn't make us watch one of the three videos we were supposed to. Mainly because they are showing it again tomorrow at a Loss Prevention seminar that we're holding where everyone in the "Gap Family" will be coming to meet.

So I'm really in a big time job now, or at least bigger than the Warren I guess. It's really weird to be thinking that I'm going to be working at this job. AH. It's scary being a grown up!

I've been hanging out with Kendra a lot lately and that's not a bad thing. The thing you have to understand about Kendra is that she's amazing and she knows that and she wants you to hear her ideas which isn't a bad thing, it's just sometimes your ideas get lost in translation. We went to the pool today and took a bunch of pictures like the fabulous Divas we are and I had a great time. I counted it as my workout though so that's going to count against me, not to mention that I had a shared a pitcher of coke with Emily at Village Inn tonight at 10:30.

By the way, I'm totally supposed to be in bed right now. You know the whole 'grown-up routine' that I have to get into. Yeah totally not keeping up on that right now. I'm sure it will get easier once I start getting into the swing of my job but right now, no.

Recently I've been thinking about my choice to major in Advertising. I would love to do it because you get to travel and because you get great pay, but I also love writing and I can't ignore that. I think maybe I might be happier if I stick to my original plan. Less wealthy but happier.

Monica and I have been hanging out a lot lately too. Not a bad thing, but she's a little self-centered sometimes. I tried to cuddle with her when we were watching a movie and she totally flipped out and was like "I dont like cuddling." So yeah. Speaking of which, I got my new straightener when I was with her, and WOW let me tell you, does that thing straighten. It was like a whole different level of straight for my hair. I'm kind of obsessed with it now.

I did exercise the other day. I did 4 sets of 8 reps going up and down the stairs in my house and in between each set I did jumping jacks and four laps around the pool table. Let me tell you what it kicked my butt. When I got though, the feeling of accomplishment and happiness that I was working towards a better me, was awesome. It just gives me encouragement.

In sixty days I should be thinner, healthier and a little bit more financially secure. And you know, as much as the work is going to be hard, I'm going to be that much happier and proud when I am finished.

My roomate for KU is straight btw. And he has a girlfriend. He's catholic and she's christian, if you can imagine that. Although he might be reassigned due to some registration issues or something, I'm not really sure. I just hope I found out who IS going to be my roommate soon so that we can get to know each other and start to plan on who's bringing what to the dorm.

Well that's pretty much all that's going on in my life right now and it's a lot compared to what was going on before. Be prepared ladies and gentlemen, because this? Is not the end.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

(* p.s. I'm not supposed to put my pay scale in public knowledge, or I might get fired)