It's lonely here, these days. Which is funny. You would think that living with my sister and best friend would be more than enough to leave me dead tired at night and filled with contentment.
Except of course when said best friend and sister are dating. How lovely. I'm happy for them, truly. As long as they are happy - and I've always told them that. I still mean that.
There's just some things that I've been thinking about and things that I've discovered. I've been fxcked over again. And I just never seem to learn my lesson. Perhaps that's why God keeps trying to teach it to me.
Anyhow. My best friend is...sort of a liar. I don't know if she does it intentionally, or if it's just something born out of habit (she has had a rough childhood, and I do mean rough). But it hurts never-the-less. I have to work to step back from the situation and remember that it's not necessarily a good idea to call her out on it. You see, all of her life she's been made to feel like a fuck up and a piece of shit by her immediate family and a lot of her friends. I don't hate her- I'm just hurt. And I know that if I said anything, she would just take it as me telling her she's a fuck up.
My sister isn't in the best of states either. She was hospitalized for mental health issues, and after that, well she's been trying to keep up with out patient care but it hasn't been going very well because she's a totally different person. She's lazy, doesn't do things on time and keep herself on track, and she mostly stays in her room all day with her girlfriend.
It scares me to tell you the truth. This volatile situation is shaky. Made even shakier by some of the lies I've uncovered that my best friend has told. I don't know how long this can go on before it all crashes to the ground.
Besides that, it couldn't have come at a worse time. Over the past two months or so, I've been falling for an old flame of mine. Not Derrick - thank God that ship has sailed. No someone else. He's very special to me. But he's in love with someone else. And I just can't do it. I can't wait for him, and I can't put myself through that pain again. I won't. I refuse. No matter how much I believe that we belong together. If it's meant to be then so be it. Divine Intervention will have to occur and make it happen because I'm just not going to do it this time.
So I'm dealing with this whole best friend/sister thing and also getting over this guy. It isn't fun. I hate it. I've become this jaded and angry person most of the time and all I want to do is cry, but I can't do it. My tears have all dried up.
Sometimes I wish I could just get away and go somewhere new. Away from everyone and everything I know and start a new life where no one knows me. But I tried that before. When I ran away to Minnesota. I don't want to leave KU, and more importantly, I want everyone to know that I'm not going to run anymore. This is my life and no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to stick it through because I owe that to myself.
Most of my days are spent alone and I'm starting to grow accustomed to that. I'm starting not to care. I can't get hurt that way and I don't have to deal with any bullshit that way. It just works.
So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. I've been trying to work out and write and all that. It hasn't been going very well recently, but I'm still trucking along - keeping at it - and I think that's what counts. I haven't just lay down and let this overtake me.
I'm trying to be strong. Stronger than I've ever had to be before, and it's so hard that everyday I just want to stay in bed and sleep. But I don't. I get up, make my coffee and I start my day. Because someone in this household has to. Someone has to keep it together.
But it's safe to say that I'm bringing my focus where it should have been all along: on myself. No really - I've cut out all the people who have used me, I've stopped talking to the people I can live without and it feels like the right thing. I've grown a little smarter, a little tougher, and a little wiser.
I can't tell you if this new me is going to turn out alright. All I can say is, it's who I am right now, through the pain and the anger and the hurt. Maybe one day it will be different. Right now, the facts are that it isn't different.
That's all.
Signed,
J
Posts
