Starting Again

So I'm starting over again. I said goodbye to the boy that treated me in ways I didn't deserve. He's going through a rough time and there was only so much trying I could do to be there for him. But how much rejection can a person really take before they simply give up?

Maybe he didn't tell me that he didn't want me to help him, or need me to help him. He just didn't return my calls or texts and didn't try in any way to contact me. And how am I to help him if I don't even know what's wrong?

I'm so bitter about the whole thing. I cared a lot about him - and that was thrown back into my face when I tried to stand up for myself. Still I can not place any blame on him for walking away, because I was the one who told him goodbye. I don't know if I got ahead of myself in thinking that I needed to act. Perhaps it was all some kind of misguided notion that I deserve better than to go more than 20 days without contact - not even a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. Perhaps I made it all about me, instead of all about him.

How much of myself can I give away before it's all gone? When is enough, enough? Can I not feel wronged and let him know about it? Why did it have to turn into such a big deal?

I ask these questions on my blog because I can not ask them to his face. I can't see him because he lives two hours away, I can't phone him because he has a new phone and I don't have the number, I can't write him because he's left home and doesn't have an address.

So I've got to accept that I did what I could. I've got to accept that I can't help everyone that I love and care about. I can't control the things that happen and the way that they occur. I can only control myself.

I didn't want to lose him - but I couldn't stand by and be left in the dark only to be picked back up when he needed me again. If a guy wants to see you or talk to you or if he cares about you he will make it happen. He will let you know. That's what I think.

Am I wrong to assume that I at least deserve something more than I got? Am I wrong in thinking that I've worked too hard and given too much NOT to deserve better?

Anyway, I'm starting over. I'm focusing on myself again because it's the only thing that I've got: me. I'm writing again and starting a work-out schedule and I'm looking for a second job. I'm going to go out with friends from work and I'm just going to enjoy every minute left of my summer. When the fall comes I'll work my ass off for the next four years and I'll get that much closer to my dreams and goals.

I'm not ready to think about romance or a relationship. I realize there are definitely some things I need to work on in myself: my over analytical mind, my irrational thoughts, etc. I know my downfalls and my faults. The tough part is to correct those things and to learn from the mistakes I've already made too many times.

It's not a matter of choice anymore - if I don't, I will lose the person I have been, forever. I will lose any sembelence of normalcy. I will become someone you don't recognize anymore, someone I never knew I could be.

I don't want to be angry anymore - as I have been for so long. I don't want to be bitter anymore.

I want to be happy again. I want to remember what a good day felt like.

As the days come, I'll take them one at a time. It's all that is within my power.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/knpouk/3606551408/ and edited at: http://www.picnik.com/)

When your world falls apart [like shattered glass]

It is messed up isn't it - what we do to the people we love?

This question has been raised in my mind many times recently. A lot has been happening with my emotional state. A lot has been changing.

I think a lot of it is that I feel like I'm being stifled. I feel like I could do a lot of great things, and that I can show the world what I'm really made of, if I had the chance.

But with everyone else's problems piling up on top of me, it just feel so hard. It feels like everywhere I turn, I'm being pulled further into the Abyss that threatens to engulf me as well.

My sister has been showing a side of herself recently, previously unseen by even our mother. She's always been a sort of closed off person - never really revealing much about herself or her feelings. She has always put up this front that makes it seem to the world that she is a strong, independent and invulnerable woman. That she is almost perfect in every way. Obviously we know that she isn't perfect, but it's as if she expects us to pretend that she is, right along with her.

And for the most part we have. Which, I think, is a big factor in how she was able to keep up the facade for so long. Now in her most vulnerable of times, we see things come out in her that we can't really comprehend. Her sense of generosity, right, wrong and purpose have all seemingly left her.

What leads me to discuss this is the fact that she has been in a relationship with my best friend for a while now - and she has also been using her. Maybe not knowingly, and maybe to some extent knowingly. But she has been. My sister has rarely been single in all of her life since she started dating.

I'm not sure that she literally knows what it means to be single. I believe it scares her to try and find out.

So when certain events in her personal life have lead her to mistreat my best friend, and have that building for months - it still came as a surprise to me when my best friend left our home and told us goodbye over the phone before she lead us to believe she was going to commit suicide.

As soon as Erica (my best friend) called me, telling me goodbye - telling me things my mind couldn't register quickly enough, my body turned to molasses. As if I was stuck in slow motion and couldn't snap out of it even though I knew these next few minutes would be vital. I didn't know how much time I had.

But she was on foot when she left the apartment and I went to drive around and find her. My sister ended up calling the police. Very long story short, Erica is now in a facility for the next week (by choice) to stabilize herself. However I can not escape the feeling that the times ahead are not going to be necessarily better.

Dealing with one person who has been going to therapy after being admitted to the hospital, someone who is on medication and who you don't know the mood of when they wake up in the morning is a very tiring thing to have in your life. Now there will be two people in that situation living with me. And aside from monetary and personal problems, I have to find the strength to cope with this as well.

I'm not meaning to complain, really I'm not. I understand how difficult it must be to live your life in a mental state that they are in. I've lived with my sister my entire life before she decided to get help, so I know.

It just feels like I'm being used in the same way. I'm a means to an end. I've been feeling like that about a lot of my friendships/relationships lately. I care so much about everyone else and what's going on in their life. I feel like I'm spent - there's nothing left for me to give out because if I do then there will be nothing left for me.

I spend my time, energy, emotions on caring about and for these people that I love. I do it because I love them, not because I expect anything in return. I don't need anything from them except an occasional sympathetic ear once in a while. A nod my way, a smile, a 'hey, how are YOU doing?'

It feels as if I am carrying the weight of a thousand people's burdens, and I am afraid of what will happen if I am pushed over my limits. Right now I feel pretty numb; have been feeling that way since saturday. I think it's my defense. I think my body or my heart can't take any more that could possibly go wrong.

I've just been hurt too many times by too many different people. I've always kept this inside and bottled it...a talent that my family has exhibited many times over the course of my 19 years. But I feel like the time is coming when that will no longer be the case. When I will just let it out as it goes on. I'm afraid to do so. The truth is a powerful thing.

An interesting quote from Revolutionary Road, caught my attention tonight: "Something about truth is, no matter how far you get from it, it's always there. You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

I believe this is true, in many of the situations I described in the above. If we all were very honest with ourselves about the decisions we make, then maybe we could save ourselves a lot of trouble. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we lie and cheat when we know what we're doing? We KNOW. We always know.

Even if we don't think about it at the moment or even for a long time. If we push it to the back and bury it deep inside of us - it's still there.

And we still deny it.

I just wish that there wasn't so much complicated drama surrounding me all of the time. I wish I could just get away from that sort of thing. Lead my life on my own terms and get back to what really matters to me. All of this stress has been affecting me a lot.

It seems as if my life is made of glass and being held together by glue and tape.

I'm left wondering, terrified, 'when will it shatter?'

-J.H.-


(Pic from: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-set/BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFlpBREtHYS1pM1JHMlhMb0xleGo4UXcAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ.jpg)