My last post was about the desperation and the anxiety...the fear...I had once felt. An alarmist because I thought the gay community was coming under new and undue persecution. But I no longer feel that way. I have since learned that there have always been such attacks, such measures taken to ensure we, as a community, are thought of as subhuman or inherently less than. We have always had to fight and we've always had to endure. I know that now.
So much was going through my mind at the time and I did feel like I was going a little crazy. Maybe I was. But since taking time from KU, I've learned a few things and I've come to new perspectives. My initial goal was to raise money to go back to KU. When I did not know - I'm still not entirely certain. But by December I should have about $1800 in the bank to use at my disposal, maybe more if I can get a job that I'm angling for. By December is when I'll feel ready to come back, but the question remains for me: will I?
I want to, don't get me wrong, I do. I love KU. I love everything about Lawrence. This year, however, has given me some time to think about how the world would view me. How some in my social circle would view me. How some people's parents might view me. How can I be judged because I struggled a little more with school than others?
There's a beautiful quote from Twilight: Eclipse during the graduation scene and it's Jessica speaking and she says,
"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. When we were ten, they asked again and we answered – rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how ’bout this: who the hell knows?!
"This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions, its the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love – a lot. Major in philosophy ’cause there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”
How's that for truth? Imagine this: This year where I haven't been in school (except of course online), and where I've had to raise my own money or forge my own way...be lost for a little while...to fail a little bit...I wouldn't trade it for the life of anyone else. I wouldn't trade it back so that I may be perceived as not being a slacker, or serious. I wouldn't trade it back for the expectations of the world around me. Because when I finally do finish school and when I look back later in life, I can say "Yeah, I know I am where I'm supposed to be." Because I struggled to get there. Because I let a little sweat drip from my brow. Because I made the mistakes I made and learned the lessons I learned.
I won't be afraid to take the opportunities that come my way, and deny the ones that aren't for me. I won't be putting on a show and I won't be pretending to be something I'm not for somebody else. I don't think I did that, but maybe just a little. I was going to live with Tess this August, should I have been able to stay in school, but her father had a rule that I had to be going to KU in order for this to happen. When I found out I couldn't possibly stay in Lawrence, this ended that plan. It saddens me because she was one of my best friends, the only person I could rely on for mature, sane, good clean fun. She gave me so much and I relied on her heavily...and now I'm afraid we've drifted apart. We're in separate places, doing different things, living different lives for the time being. She'll be graduating within the year. I'll just be starting my real education at KU. [More on this after the next paragraph.]
I'm worried for our friendship by that. Logic tells me we shouldn't have to live the same lives to be the same kind of friends we were. Reality tells me I might be wrong. I haven't seen or spoken to Tess in months. I have no idea what's going on in her life. Nor she with mine.
Which leads me back to KU. Here's the thing. I've written a book and I'm going to start on the sequel really soon. I've had it looked at by two people thus far and they're saying they love it. I've also gotten some great constructive criticism on it. I want to get it published. I submitted query letters to four agents and none have requested to see more of my work. My next step is to send it out to publishers but...I'm also considering self-publishing. Invariably this leads me back to December. If I have $1800 in my bank at my disposal, I wonder if I should take a risk and use it to put myself on a book tour after self-publishing my book. And THEN go back to school. This truly is the time for something like that. The time to make mistakes, the time to chase dreams (although I don't see myself ever stopping chasing my dreams) and go for the gold.
In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw said, "I wanted to be a writer, so I made myself a writer. I want a pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them." That kind of grit is exactly what I'm talking about. I have it inside me; I just have to use it. In a writer's digest book they say, "One thing to know: Don't quit your day job." So yes, I can write and go to school at the same time. The question is all about the timing, the choices. Go to school for a semester and THEN go on a book tour, or go on a book tour and THEN go to school?
I guess this is what they mean when they say life throws you curve balls. I just wish I had a sign. A shoulder to lean on and a friend to give me the kind of advice I need. I know I'll be fine no matter what I choose, and if one decision doesn't work out I can just make another one to change it, but I can know that in my head and still feel that fear in my heart.
For now, I will continue to pursue passion and happiness and life with all my vigor.
And to you: Thank you for reading this.
That's all.
Sincerely,
J.D.
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