What's in...

 What is in time? What's in a year? 

My last post was about the desperation and the anxiety...the fear...I had once felt. An alarmist because I thought the gay community was coming under new and undue persecution. But I no longer feel that way. I have since learned that there have always been such attacks, such measures taken to ensure we, as a community, are thought of as subhuman or inherently less than. We have always had to fight and we've always had to endure. I know that now.


So much was going through my mind at the time and I did feel like I was going a little crazy. Maybe I was. But since taking time from KU, I've learned a few things and I've come to new perspectives. My initial goal was to raise money to go back to KU. When I did not know - I'm still not entirely certain. But by December I should have about $1800 in the bank to use at my disposal, maybe more if I can get a job that I'm angling for. By December is when I'll feel ready to come back, but the question remains for me: will I?


I want to, don't get me wrong, I do. I love KU. I love everything about Lawrence. This year, however, has given me some time to think about how the world would view me. How some in my social circle would view me. How some people's parents might view me. How can I be judged because I struggled a little more with school than others? 


There's a beautiful quote from Twilight: Eclipse during the graduation scene and it's Jessica speaking and she says, 

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. When we were ten, they asked again and we answered – rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how ’bout this: who the hell knows?!

"This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions, its the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love – a lot. Major in philosophy ’cause there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”

How's that for truth? Imagine this: This year where I haven't been in school (except of course online), and where I've had to raise my own money or forge my own way...be lost for a little while...to fail a little bit...I wouldn't trade it for the life of anyone else. I wouldn't trade it back so that I may be perceived as not being a slacker, or serious. I wouldn't trade it back for the expectations of the world around me. Because when I finally do finish school and when I look back later in life, I can say "Yeah, I know I am where I'm supposed to be." Because I struggled to get there. Because I let a little sweat drip from my brow. Because I made the mistakes I made and learned the lessons I learned.

I won't be afraid to take the opportunities that come my way, and deny the ones that aren't for me. I won't be putting on a show and I won't be pretending to be something I'm not for somebody else. I don't think I did that, but maybe just a little. I was going to live with Tess this August, should I have been able to stay in school, but her father had a rule that I had to be going to KU in order for this to happen. When I found out I couldn't possibly stay in Lawrence, this ended that plan. It saddens me because she was one of my best friends, the only person I could rely on for mature, sane, good clean fun. She gave me so much and I relied on her heavily...and now I'm afraid we've drifted apart. We're in separate places, doing different things, living different lives for the time being. She'll be graduating within the year. I'll just be starting my real education at KU. [More on this after the next paragraph.]

I'm worried for our friendship by that. Logic tells me we shouldn't have to live the same lives to be the same kind of friends we were. Reality tells me I might be wrong. I haven't seen or spoken to Tess in months. I have no idea what's going on in her life. Nor she with mine.

Which leads me back to KU. Here's the thing. I've written a book and I'm going to start on the sequel really soon. I've had it looked at by two people thus far and they're saying they love it. I've also gotten some great constructive criticism on it. I want to get it published. I submitted query letters to four agents and none have requested to see more of my work. My next step is to send it out to publishers but...I'm also considering self-publishing. Invariably this leads me back to December. If I have $1800 in my bank at my disposal, I wonder if I should take a risk and use it to put myself on a book tour after self-publishing my book. And THEN go back to school. This truly is the time for something like that. The time to make mistakes, the time to chase dreams (although I don't see myself ever stopping chasing my dreams) and go for the gold.

In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw said, "I wanted to be a writer, so I made myself a writer. I want a pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them." That kind of grit is exactly what I'm talking about. I have it inside me; I just have to use it. In a writer's digest book they say, "One thing to know: Don't quit your day job." So yes, I can write and go to school at the same time. The question is all about the timing, the choices. Go to school for a semester and THEN go on a book tour, or go on a book tour and THEN go to school?

I guess this is what they mean when they say life throws you curve balls. I just wish I had a sign. A shoulder to lean on and a friend to give me the kind of advice I need. I know I'll be fine no matter what I choose, and if one decision doesn't work out I can just make another one to change it, but I can know that in my head and still feel that fear in my heart.

For now, I will continue to pursue passion and happiness and life with all my vigor.

And to you: Thank you for reading this.

That's all.

Sincerely,

J.D.

A Note of Aggravation

 I have a bone to pick, that I was trying to avoid picking. I don't like airing dirty laundry on the internet and let me be clear that this is not for that purpose. This is to express something I need to get off my chest. Something that has been plaguing me for days, maybe even a week or two now.

I, being a concerned member of the GLBT community in L-town, messaged the sponsor of the University Gay/Straight Alliance about arranging a voting initiative and having a forum to discuss the recent slew of suicides in the community. As a student with legitimate concerns, I voiced my opinions and waited for a response.

Four days later I had to message Tasha A. (whose name I have changed to protect her privacy) to even get a response from her. All the message responding to me contained were a couple of lines, basically saying she was busy and would talk with the president of the group as soon as possible (that week, she said.)

But hearing nothing further from her, I have gathered that I am not important. My voice isn't important. My opinions and thoughts are not valued.

It may seem extreme to draw that conclusion from such a simple exchange, yet that is how she made me feel. Without a voice, without a sphere of influence, without power. I thought we were supposed to stick together, I thought we were supposed to feel welcome, that we matter.

I don't feel any of that at the moment. And it is because of her blatant indolence. Maybe she was feeling a level of torpor from her rigorous schedule - I understand that I am not the only busy one. But when I go to a University Official and voice an opinion and a suggestion and a possible course of action, I expect a different response than utter uncaring.

So Tasha, if you are reading this, I hope that this was a one-time thing. I hope that you meet others with concerns and you champion them. Because I looked up to you and I looked to you for guidance. It's okay, my constitution is stronger than previously thought, and I can stand on my own in the face of this shattering of my faith in you - but I am disappointed. I expected more from you.

And maybe I expected too much.

But I don't think I was asking too much.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.



(Photo From:  http://www.cpoy.org/past/57/cat_10/10-01/cat10_01-01.html)

Going...Crazy?

I'm going crazy or something. I don't know what it is. I feel restless and like something is bubbling over. Something...

I feel as though I am on the cusp of something big and ominous. Maybe I am having some sort of emotional inner turmoil related to some issues in the past, like the three bedroom with Carissa and Erica.  But if that is all that's bothering me, why do I feel like at any moment I'm going to have to take up arms and fight for my life?

If you've been keeping up with this blog you'll know that I've had the feelings of being an alarmist for quite some time now. It's died down, ebbed and flowed out of my life like a soft tide, but every so often it comes back again. As if I should be on alert or something.

Everywhere I look there are headlines about another gay suicide or LGBT harrasment. I see emails and news stories about the right-wing conservative groups "National Orginization for Marriage," and the "Family Research Council," and I see them spew their hate or anti-LGBT propaganda. It makes me sick. They can hate us in the streets, they can hate us in their churches, they can hate us on television and they get away with it.

How do I protect myself from this hate? I know that I must love as they hate, as strongly and in fact more strongly than they ever could, because that's something in my power. But what else? I can vote. I can picket. I can get involved.

Getting involved also scares me. I don't know why. I know that the haters are out there, even in so liberal a town as L, and I can't help but feel like the on-going mass of chaos surrounding issues like "Don't ask, Don't Tell," and the continued bullying and suicides of LGBT teens everywhere are attracting attention and violence like a lightning rod.

The giants on both sides are facing off. Godzilla and Mothra are battling - without a second thought to Tokyo. I feel as if I am in Tokyo and there is no place to hide; no where is safe.

It is not because of my sexuality that I feel this way or any other kind of excuse that the 'Family Research Council' would love to tout in their speeches...it is because of those like them. Those who would rather see me dead than homosexual. Those who would - and one day might - use their very hands to stuff me into an oven because I am gay.

When a gay person feels that they have no other options or that their lives will never be joyful because of the fear and harrasment that permeate their every thought and waking moment then something isn't right. We already know something isn't right. These suicides are a call from above for action and solution. No one deserves to feel like they are somehow wrong or inferior.

Yet with each conservative speech and each religious leader's damning remarks, that is how each and every gay person is made to feel. Like second class citizens, like dirt, the scum of the world.

And what are they damning homosexuals for? Love.

We as gay people only want the freedom to love those who we have found a bond with, without fear of harm, harrasment, death, hatred, censure or reprisal. We want to enter into a union that all heterosexuals can enter into on a whim. A heterosexual can go to vegas with a stranger and get plastered before getting hitched. And yet, tax paying, law abiding citizens who are homosexual and already have committed and loving relationships, can NOT.

There are lots of things that I would like to see happen. DADT repealed, A crack down on hate crimes, equal marriage rights for homosexual citizens, and for it to not feel like Nazi Germany everytime I turn on the tv to watch CNN or FOX. For it not to feel like Nazi Germany everytime something like Proposition 8 passes, or when I read headlines on the internet about some new radical idea to 'cure gays.'

WAKE UP AMERICA.

Or you may wake up to find that one day, your liberties are at risk too.

Thank God for your rights and recognition under the law - thank God that you will never have to fight as we have to fight, just for an inch of liberty in a country with a very harmful brand of hate, which threatens to culminate and erupt at any moment.

Wake up.


(Photo from: http://technabob.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/fire1.jpg)

Some Kind of Meaning

I don't really have a point or a message for this post. I just sort of felt like writing I think.

I was getting off of the bus from campus to my apartment complex and this butterfly followed me in through the gates and landed on my hand as I was walking to my building.

Now I have a thing about butterflies. I love them and they're sort of my signature thing. I pick a lot of myspace layouts (haha, laugh at that, I know) because they feature beautiful butterflies, and I believe in a symbolistic nature behind them - once I even picked a birthday card for my sister over another option because it had butterflies on it. I liked the cards the same, but the deciding factor was the butterfly. I just think they are a magical creature.

My 'coming-of-age' experience is one that I prefer to liken with that of a butterfly growing from the cocoon. I don't know why but I've always had this reverence for them and their beauty. Anyway, back to today's story. I let it sit for a moment and as I was approaching my building I shook it off. I didn't really mean to do it that hard and don't worry nothing happened to the butterfly itself, it just flew away. But I sort of wish I hadn't done that. I know I wouldn't have carried it on my hand all the way into my apartment but still...I can't help but be a little regretful.

This is the second time in the last few months that a butterfly has landed on me. Nothing of great significance seems to happen afterwards and maybe it really means nothing; a realist might certainly agree with that last statement. But I'm a believer in the mystical. There are a lot of things that the human mind can't explain or random occurences that can't be called 'average' or 'normal'. Besides, what fun would life be without a little intrigue and mystery? You can't have it all figured out or what's the point?

On the bus ride home I was thinking about society and how we're all programmed to behave a certain way and think a certain way - and if you don't believe that, then you've already succumbed to the limits that society has imposed on you and your life. That may be fine for some people, but I'd like to think that life from an individual viewpoint must be figured out. You must decide for yourself what you accept as truth and what you don't, especially about the world you live in. But it is a process to do so and whatever the end result, is how you make it from one day to the next, and on until the end of your life.

This line of thinking happens to me often when I come fresh out of a 'Sociology of the Family' class session. So much of what we do and how we are today as a generation of the world are results of how people used to think and how we've had to decide as a people what was acceptable and what isn't.  This is an ever-changing process. New children are born, and the children of previous generations are now parents. Parents who decide what they teach their children and what morals, values and skills they instill in them as well. It is then up to the children to go out into the institutions of socialization and share what their parents have taught them. They find a group of children and they attach themselves to one another based on the similar ideas or maybe even the completely different ideas that they are exposed to. This new generation of children grow up and go out into the world and rock, shape and challenge the mold set by their predecessors.

I am a self-described optimist. I'd like to believe that one day, we'll see the end of world hunger, the start of world peace, the curing of Cancer and AIDS, the decline and extinction of things like rape and murder. I know these are lofty ideas - and they seem that way because we live in a world rife with all of this chaos - but one thing I can still hold onto is that it may not be plausible, but it is entirely possible. That one standing fact is all I need. I can get from one day to the next with that knowledge.

Every person wants to believe their life will mean something. As Bobby Singer says in the television show 'Supernatural': "Most people go their entire lives without moving so much as the dirt it takes to bury them."  That really strikes a chord with me. I want my life to mean something. I want someone in the future...maybe a politician, or an environmentalist, or maybe the president, to look at my life and be inspired in theirs to do more, to be more. Now even if that doesn't happen, I still know that I've done something that can have an impact on those around me. I've chosen my optimism, and my principles and my ideals and I try to live for them. If someone can turn their day around because of something I've said, or if they can pass on a good deed because I did one for them, then I'm happy with that. I've made some small difference for someone, somewhere.

That's all I really want. That's all I can really hope for.

All we can really do is love one another.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/photos/2007/08/butterfly_yellow-flowers_01.jpg)

The Never-Ending Adventure of My Life

 I'm back! In more ways than one. I am back at school - to the University that I had been dismissed from. I am so proud of myself because I know a lot of people had their doubts that it would happen. Even I did.

But I tried my best and worked my hardest and lord did it pay off. Now I just have to continue doing that. Life should be gravy right now. And for the most part it is. I just focus on school and work on getting my GPA to an acceptable level.

I have still been working on myself - after a short hiatus when trying to get back into school - and I'm a little rusty. I'm pretty much happy with everything except my body, although I will say that I'm not completely dissatisfied in that area, and that in itself is an accomplishment.

Aside from all of that I'm starting to get serious about my writing. I wrote a short piece and I contacted the Liberty Press to see if I couldn't get it published. I don't even know if they do reader submitted content, but I thought I would give it a try. Also my book is taking shape. I'm figuring out a few things and fleshing out the details and starting to really hunker down for the long haul. So far it looks like I have 16 chapters planned, but that could definitely change. It will be near 300 pages by my estimate but then again I don't know what it will look like in print so that is definitely something that will change.

I've gotten in touch with a few friends from my past and mainly I'm pretty happy. Erica and I aren't really talking all that much. She lives in Tal-Town now and every day I feel like we're drifting farther apart. She is so different from the person I thought she was. I miss the person she used to be. I think I could learn to like the person she is becoming, but I can't really say that because I don't exactly know who that is. I just hope that she knows I am always there for her and always willing to help. We've changed so much in the recent past, both of us as individuals I mean, that it's like we have to become reacquainted again.

I know that something that hasn't changed is our ability to have fun together - and maybe that's what I should focus on. After all life is short.

Speaking of...the other day I was watching the History Channel (which it turns out is a bad idea for me because I end up feeling like an alarmist afterwards) and they were doing a series special on Nazi's Past and Present. The one about white supremacists today just got me really...worried. I mean these people are training in camps with guns and in hand-to-hand combat for 'the final race war.'  Lunatics with guns are never a good combination. But seriously why is there so much hatred in the world? Isn't there enough crap to deal with without worrying about someone being black or who is supposedly 'better'? Let's get real and focus on issues like world hunger or curing cancer. Maybe then the world would be a better place. It's just that every time I turn on the news something new and more horrific is happening.

Did you all hear about the pastor that is going to burn copies of the Quran on September the Eleventh? Why is that friggin necessary? Honestly people, America was founded on religious freedom. And yes, the pastor has a constitutional right to do what he is doing, but my question is WHY? Why is it such a problem to that pastor that he must burn a nation's holy text? How would he feel if Islamic people burned the bible? I bet he'd feel pretty pissed off. It seems that everyone forgets to 'walk a mile in someone else's shoes,' once in a while. I will never lose my compassion.

I will love because they hate. I will give because they are selfish. I will not fight because they take up guns.

Honestly the world is feeling a little bit darker everyday and even though it's a scary thing, I am going to try and continue to bring light to my little corner of the world. Someone has got to. Someone has got to try and stop the hatred and the violence. I will become the change I want to see in the world.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox!

Anyway I met a really decent guy recently named Dirk (not his real name, lol). He and I started out chatting over the internet after I read an ad that said he was moving to L-town, and we hit it off. But we met and have had a few dates and I just don't feel the spark. The 'It-Factor', the 'zsa zsa zsu.' It isn't there. Which sucks because he is pretty much everything I have ever thought I wanted in a guy. But even though it isn't working out, I was reminded that good guys are out there. Which was really nice to feel. We kissed and he cuddled with me and it felt nice to know that human touch. I haven't had that in a long while.

Money is sort of stressing me out right now. I have two different debts that I'm trying to pay off. One from the three bedroom I shared with Erica and Carissa; the other from my credit card. The credit card isn't very high and I can pay that one off soon. Thanks to me, the lawyer debt from the three bedroom has been reduced by about $5,000. But there is still about $7,000 left on it. I think I did my duty to that debt by having it lowered, but I still have to pay. Ugh. I'm working on a very tight budget and my mother just took me off overdraft protection from her credit card. I had been sort of abusing it, I will admit, but not for frivoulous self-serving purposes.

Oh well, I know it will all work out how it is supposed to in the end.

I am still an optimist.

And isn't that an acheivement in itself?

:)

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.


(photo from: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1q7fj2dCxP8/Svo6w97L6yI/AAAAAAAAAAs/IG7Uycv7n9s/s320/ab_life55.gif)

The Heart of the Matter

What is at the heart of humanity? Like the many veins and passages of the heart, it may not be one simple matter. Things may be connected, just as we human beings are connected. I truly believe that.

I'm sitting here writing this post because a lot has been on my mind lately. As you may or may not know, I have been on a journey in my recent life. A journey to explore and discover and live and proclaim. I want to find my truth and live it to the fullest. I want to spread as much love as I can to those that I can.

I could spend my life doing this. In fact, it is my plan to. What nobler plan is there than that?

But I didn't sign on to talk about nobility or even myself. I wanted to talk about humanity and the nature of it. I am consoling a friend through text right now because she has just been shut out by a woman she thought she would spend her life with. The two of them are my friends, one more so than the other, but still I am here for both of them.

My problem is: how are two such beautiful people (I'm speaking about inner beauty here, though they are both gorgeous) tangling each other up in a mess that makes them want to hurt themselves? How can people do that to one another?

I think that if people reflexively told the truth the way that they...ate food...or took a breath...then things would be much simpler. Instead people lie to each other and in the end someone if not everyone gets hurt. People say they care, when they don't. They say they love someone when in reality they hate the very thought of being with that person. All in the name of one thing or another. To save face or to keep the peace.

Except the only thing one accomplishes by doing this is to further complicate and further hurt those around them.

This is not new age philosophy or even self-help jargon. This people, is pure hard fact. In fact many new age ideas can really be seen for what they are when you study them: old age philosophy. Old ideas are being remembered by modern man all the time now. Old ideas are resurfacing and because we have lost touch with the wisdom presented to us we have labeled it 'new age.'  Well for humanity's sake I do hope there really is a new age coming because the old one simply isn't working anymore.

We buy computers and hook up internet so that we stay connected. The first words out of people's mouths who have just become friends are: "Do you have a facebook?" "Do you have a myspace?"  And the answer is usually yes. But what if it was no? Would that be the end of the line for that particular friendship? Or could we possibly live without all that stuff which we say makes our lives easier in lieu of doing as the world does and embracing it?

Where are the days when you knew all of your neighbors on your street? Where are the days when you said hello to the mail man or smiled at someone as you let them pass you on the highway? If that is old think then I want everyone to remember those ways. I want us to be able to connect with each other the way we used to and still have the same liberties that we have fought so hard for through history. The perfect combination of old and new.

I know by now you are all thinking that I have gone on a tangent but I want you to seriously consider the things you don't do and why you don't do them. Then I want you to think about what would happen in your life if you did do them.

An example for you:

My father asked me to attend a fourth of july gathering at my Uncle's house. I have much distaste for family functions when it comes to my father's side. Simply because it always felt like a chore and because when I was a kid I felt like I wasn't incorporated into the family bonding. The adults would sit and drink beers and sing karaoke and at the time I had no interest in any of that. Partly it was my fault because I used to be painfully shy and low on self esteem. I was chubby and shiny and more importantly I felt like an outsider because I am gay.

Instead of saying no or not responding, I told my father that I would go. On the day of the event I seriously considered skipping out and driving down to Tal-Town to see my mother. Except I thought...if I don't go, this will be one more reason that my father shouldn't believe in me. This will be one more reason for him to be bitter. This will be one more thing he remembers and holds against me about the past. And I don't want to do that to him.

I want him to know that I am truly hoping for a better relationship with him. I want him to know that I am no longer a child but I am an adult. An adult who sticks to his word and who faces the things he doesn't always want to face.

So I went. I drove the one and a half hours it takes to get there and I was welcome by a chorus of my name being shouted happily by relatives. I was making these people happy by being there. I was making conversation and catching up with almost all of my aunts and uncles and cousins. Even though I originally didn't want to go, I was glad that I had.

I drank beer and I sang karaoke but more importantly I gave my father something to believe in.

What if we could do that for strangers too? Well...we can.

We can give complete and utter strangers hope for humanity itself if we could all just remember to be a little nicer to those around us. Karma, justice, doing to others what you would want done to you...these are all matters under the same name.

Here's my thought for the day. You get in what you put out. If you radiate happiness and positivity then I honestly believe that you will make not only yourself happier but those in your life will be happier because of it.

I'll get off of my soap box now but...keep me in your thoughts and I'll do the same.

That's all.

-J-


(picture from: http://maikanhill.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/dark-heart.jpg)

For My Querida

 So I'm sitting here with an iced coffee - and no not from Starbucks - but from my own kitchen. It doesn't look as fancy as this picture to your left does, but it tastes every bit as good I'm sure.

I'm basically writing this post for T who is studying abroad and whom I miss terribly. So querida this is for you.

Mostly I've been doing homework. I mean boat loads of homework. And there's more coming too. I'm very sick of looking at a computer screen all day because my courses are all online. I'm taking two right now but I've been focusing on only one. My math course.

I'm taking Intermediate Algebra and once I'm done with that, I'll be able to enroll in college algebra. Let me tell you that I'm going to work my a** off to get both of these courses done within the first two weeks of July. This is because today or tomorrow is when I'll submit my application for readmission to KU.

It's a lofty goal and I know that timing is everything with this, but I know I can do it. The thing will be if KU can *recognize* that I can do it. Which I hope they do. If I put in all of this work for nothing then I will be severely upset and probably have a mental breakdown. Seriously.

I want this so bad and I've worked so hard and continue to work hard. If there is any justice in the world I will get back in. Of course there have been a lot of injustices happening to me lately. I received  a court summons for the $11,000 fine on the three bedroom apartment that I used to live in with Carissa and Erica.

All of this over a three bedroom that I opted to get of because I didn't want to live in HELL anymore. Sometimes I wonder how the people at F.R. (the initials to the complex I used to live in) can sleep at night. We were young - or at least Erica and I were - and we don't have any money to speak of and here they are trying to squeeze every last penny (that we don't have!) out of us. I mean it's a college town...could they just let it go already?

It's weird that they are calling us to court in the first place because Carissa has been paying on it and I'm about to join her in that. Erica has no income and they have no information on her so they can't call or harass her. But the court date stands until the balance is paid in full. Well good luck people. Cause there's no way we can pull that kind of money out of our butts. No. Way.

In other news I've just been trying to keep up with exercising. I stopped doing it for about a week because I've been so busy with school but now I'm noticing the affects of that. My family must store more fat than otters. I'm genetically cursed. Oily skin, low metabolism, etc.

It could be looked at as a good thing because if I didn't exercise I'd go out of my mind here. Erica left for Tal-Town not too long ago and it's been boring without her. No Erica and no Tess. What is a guy to do?!

Writing has been going dismally. Mainly because I haven't had the time. School takes priority of course. Which I think is a travesty because the world is being deprived of my much needed genius :p  But seriously I am itching to write even when I can't. I'm working on a novel and I wanted to have it complete by August but I realized that would be impossible so I pushed the date back to December. That way my book can hit shelves a year later at Christmas and every man, woman, and child will get one for the holidays.

Anyway my darling, if you're reading this, I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to see you again so I can tell you these things in person.

That's all.

-J-

(Picture from: http://amberdesire.com/)