The Sun Never sets on a Bad Ass

Well hello everyone! It's Sunday and I'm at Carissa's apartment in L-town. I came up here for a weekend of debauchery with Jules, K.D., D and Andrea. But only K.D. and her bf and Jules' best friend could make it.

We decided to go camping and so we went out to this neat little camping area about ten minutes away from town.

I brought the tent and the sleeping bags and I ended up buying a lot of other things. I have unfortunately almost depleted the graduation money that I SWORE I would save. *sigh* It was hard for me to accept that I had squandered all that money away, but then I got to thinking about what I used it on. I have used it to have a good time this summer, like my sister did. And although that isn't the most 'logical' thing to do with my money, I figured what the hell; you only live once.

I am however pulling out the remaining funds (however much that may be, and I'm not telling you) and stashing it away from myself. Out of sight, out of mind. Or so I hope.

It is about 1 p.m. and I need to start getting ready to leave. It started to rain last night at like 3 in the A.M. and so I made a mad dash to collect everything valuable and put it in my car. Jules had to take Carissa home about thirty minutes prior to that because she had food poisoning. But don't worry she's fine now.

K.D's tent would NOT have made it through the night so she just packed everything of her's and put it away. We still have the tent and a couple of styrofoam coolers left along with the tent and sleeping bags. We should go get those here pretty soon.

All in all it was an ok night. We couldn't get the fire started to save our life! It was horrible. I mean we did get it ignited but it would only stay burning for like 20 minutes at best. It was so ridiculous. But we did end up making s'mores! Now those were delicious!

I don't know if I've said before but I'm on this massive campaign of self improvement. I am starting to try and keep up better personal hygene (bleh with this spelling!) and I'm going to start going to bed at 10:00 no exception and exercise at the VERY LEAST three times a week. I haven't been doing bad in these areas, but there's always room for improvement, eh?

Speaking of, I've been struggling to stay interested in going to work. I like working there, but it's just that I'm not used to it and I feel like I'm always messing up because sometimes I don't do things the right way and they correct me and. Uh. So It isn't exactly all that fun. But I'm dealing. I'll keep you posted on that area.

Well I had better get in the shower and get ready to leave for tal-town once again. Wish me well!

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

The Summer Wind

It's monday night and it SO does not feel like a monday night. It feels like a friday or sunday night.

Today was good. It was my first day on the job and I trained on register with another really nice girl named courtney, whom I'd seen previously at orientation.

I'm so scared that I'll forget something and then be fired and I don't know. I love this job, but after so long of not having a job and being able to be lazy all day, I just want to go back to that comfortable place on the couch in my pajamas and a glass of coke.

Now don't worry, I won't do that. Despite being frightened about losing my job, I like it there. I had SO much fun today learning to do register. I think I learn to do stock and replenishment tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. But as I said a job is a job and money is money. Money that I need badly. Not only that, but I need to get my big boy britches on and start having a positive attitude.

It's lonely here at the house. I'm alone and the silence is...deafening. I almost always have the television or radio on. It makes me feel like there's someone there to just keep me company. I know I should get used to this sort of thing in case I ever want to live alone. I just...I'm not that kind of person by nature. I love my friends and I love having people around to interact with. I'm just not the type to go places alone.

However, I'm doing everything I can to be responsible. Just the other day I dealt with an ant infestation all on my own. Using my own money and everything. I do the dishes and the laundry and I check the mail and I took out the trash. Oh and I clean up the place more now than ever. The little things like that help to build my confidence that I'll be ok.

Went to Borders with Tess (or T. I use the names interchangeably) today. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and I actually love it. We saw a cookbook there that would be perfect for the two of us: The Guide to College Cooking, to Feed you and your Friends. DON'T quote me on the title because it's paraphrased, but it was fantastic. The recipes looked delicious.

We had dinner at Granite City and (phew that was expensive) went to see Sex and the City (for the fourth time). Today in general was just a feel good day. I got off of work at about 1 p.m. So it was like an early day for me. Tomorrow should be the same. I'll be starting at 1 and ending at 3:30. Just in time to grab a quick bite and go for a walk or bike ride. I know, I lead such an interesting life.

Do you ever get this crazy and restless urge to just go out and do something? I do. Whenever I have a fun and eventful evening and it's over, I yearn to go wild and take a drive, smoke a cig and blast the radio. The problem is I have no place to go. Then I spend all evening sitting at home, eating or doing some other useless activity until bed time. Which I should have gone to bed about two hours ago. I just couldn't sleep.

Anyway, I got contacts today! I picked them up from my eye doctor, and they're just a tester pair, but I'm excited regardless. I look so fantastic in them, especially since the new straightener I bought contains the power of the sun and has kept my hair straight for four days through one straightening. It's insane.

I'm dressing better, looking better, I just need to get to feeling better. I'm sure once I settle into my job it'll be worth it in the end. Especially when I see that first paycheck. I felt really proud today, getting up and going to work. I don't even have to dress a special way, I just get up and go to work. It's actually a blessing. I know plenty of people who put on a uniform and hate it.

Derrick called me the other day and invited me to a party. I declined. And then he invited me out the next night and I also declined. He said Alex was going to be there, the second night. It was so...I don't know. It made me pity him. He's still caught in the game. He's still letting Alex run his life. When will those two learn their lesson? When will he? Alex will always have power over Derrick, because Alex left Derrick both times. If it were me, I could never trust the other person ever again.

It makes me appreciate the strides I have taken to make my life better. I think that's the difference between Derrick and I. He has made his life different, whilst I have strived to make my life better...and yes, there is a difference.

Looking back on the past summers of my life, I cannot remember one that has felt like this. In the way that, this summer, does not feel like summer at all. Maybe it's because I'm grown now. I've got a job and I'm going to go to college in the fall and I know that time is going to go by fast and soon a new change is going to be arriving and I can do nothing to stop it.

The hardest part of growing up is letting go of something you're used to and moving on with something you're not. I know I probably said that somewhere in my last blog, but it's true. If there is any message I leave to you all about childhood it is this: Cherish every moment, for they will soon be gone. The hours of the day will shorten and the worries will grow until soon you spend more time thinking about preparing for the next day than you do living the present one.

I always said that this would never happen to me. It has. Though not completely, because I am still conscious of it. Which means I can affect it, and change it. I'm still working out the finer details but, I do plan on getting the most out of my days.

The hour has grown late and I must retreat to my bed, but I leave knowing that I have given voice to my concern and recognized the importance of living my life to the fullest.

Thank you for being my witness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

I wasn't born a workin man, but I'll do my best

Hello everyone! So I'm uber excited, because I start work tomorrow...ok so I'm not like sooo excited that I'm about to piss my pants but you get the general idea. I'm going to finally have a steady income again and I can do my best to stay on top of my finances.

Anyway it'll just make me feel proud to start paying for my own things again. So I'm going to be starting out at *(blank) an hour at the Gap and the hours are going to be minimal the first week or two. I think that's because we're going to be training all that week, although we're supposed to be trained for like two months...which might spell trouble for me because I don't know if I can handle all that training lol.

I went to the Gap for my orientation night this past thursday and there were all kinds of crazy things going on with the weather that night, so we were sitting there with our employee packets in front of us and the GM gets a call and says that everyone from the neighboring stores are coming down to our basement because of the Tornado sirens. Scary huh? So we lost about a good 45 minutes in there, but we still got out on time because the GM didn't make us watch one of the three videos we were supposed to. Mainly because they are showing it again tomorrow at a Loss Prevention seminar that we're holding where everyone in the "Gap Family" will be coming to meet.

So I'm really in a big time job now, or at least bigger than the Warren I guess. It's really weird to be thinking that I'm going to be working at this job. AH. It's scary being a grown up!

I've been hanging out with Kendra a lot lately and that's not a bad thing. The thing you have to understand about Kendra is that she's amazing and she knows that and she wants you to hear her ideas which isn't a bad thing, it's just sometimes your ideas get lost in translation. We went to the pool today and took a bunch of pictures like the fabulous Divas we are and I had a great time. I counted it as my workout though so that's going to count against me, not to mention that I had a shared a pitcher of coke with Emily at Village Inn tonight at 10:30.

By the way, I'm totally supposed to be in bed right now. You know the whole 'grown-up routine' that I have to get into. Yeah totally not keeping up on that right now. I'm sure it will get easier once I start getting into the swing of my job but right now, no.

Recently I've been thinking about my choice to major in Advertising. I would love to do it because you get to travel and because you get great pay, but I also love writing and I can't ignore that. I think maybe I might be happier if I stick to my original plan. Less wealthy but happier.

Monica and I have been hanging out a lot lately too. Not a bad thing, but she's a little self-centered sometimes. I tried to cuddle with her when we were watching a movie and she totally flipped out and was like "I dont like cuddling." So yeah. Speaking of which, I got my new straightener when I was with her, and WOW let me tell you, does that thing straighten. It was like a whole different level of straight for my hair. I'm kind of obsessed with it now.

I did exercise the other day. I did 4 sets of 8 reps going up and down the stairs in my house and in between each set I did jumping jacks and four laps around the pool table. Let me tell you what it kicked my butt. When I got though, the feeling of accomplishment and happiness that I was working towards a better me, was awesome. It just gives me encouragement.

In sixty days I should be thinner, healthier and a little bit more financially secure. And you know, as much as the work is going to be hard, I'm going to be that much happier and proud when I am finished.

My roomate for KU is straight btw. And he has a girlfriend. He's catholic and she's christian, if you can imagine that. Although he might be reassigned due to some registration issues or something, I'm not really sure. I just hope I found out who IS going to be my roommate soon so that we can get to know each other and start to plan on who's bringing what to the dorm.

Well that's pretty much all that's going on in my life right now and it's a lot compared to what was going on before. Be prepared ladies and gentlemen, because this? Is not the end.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

(* p.s. I'm not supposed to put my pay scale in public knowledge, or I might get fired)

It is only the beginning

I was flipping through my notebook recently, the one where I do all my writing, and I found something interesting.

In bold and large lettering I had penned out the words: The 2007 'Real-Me' Project. Pages after detailed a highly thought out plan on how to make me a better me. It was astonishing to me.

A year ago, I set out to start a project that I was not ready for. I was young, I had no experience to go on in many areas in life (least of all love), but more importantly I was missing something that is vital in a process like that: motivation. I really had not one reason to start the project other than to start it.

It was a great thought, but there was nothing to back it up. I sit here a year later, a year older, and only now am I ready to begin the journey to discover my deepest potential. I have gone through so much this past year. Being a senior, learning responsibility, keeping myself busy and more importantly I was growing.

I fell in love and I got hurt and then I turned 18. It wasn't anything significant to me before, except I'm beginning to realize as each day passes that I'm not a child anymore. I'm different - I'm different and my life should reflect that.

Now, I believe, is the right time to begin that project that I had naively started all those months ago. I've started working out, I've gotten a job and I'm loving my life. It is not the same life as it was before, it is somehow irrevocably changed, more so than I thought it would be when I was 17. I'm beginning to learn things about myself and about other people in my life that continue to amaze me.

I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I have way too many expectations, but I know that I have to stop waiting for my life to begin and I just have to start...living. All this time I've been thinking to myself that if I didn't have love, then my life was meaningless, and that it meant there was something wrong with me. Well there was something wrong, just not what I thought.

I realize now that love can be found all the time, inside of myself. I don't need someone else to love me, to know that I am loveable. I will not wait on some guy to say that he cares, to start caring for myself. These are things that should be automatic, these are things that should already happen and somehow I was missing out on that message.

The road ahead has many new and unexpected things for a young man of 18. I've still so many things to learn and so many ways to grow that I don't know where to begin. All I know is, I'm going to do it being just myself instead of 'the-shy-guy' or - 'the-gay-guy' or 'the-slightly-overweight-guy'.

It may not be much and it is still a work-in-progress, but all the same. It's me.

And this? This isn't the end. It is only the beginning.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.