Truth

Today has been a...good day so far. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have had a lot on my mind. I awoke early this morning, made myself some coffee and then some eggs, smoked a few cigarettes and I am now writing this post.

I've been thinking about my life recently. A lot about it actually, seeing as I've been trying to work on myself in all aspects. Trying to figure out more of who I am.

There are a number of changes that I have made, am making and am planning on making. I am working out more, I am going to write more, going to all of my classes and doing all of my homework. I am being more responsible at my job and with money.

And all of that is fine and then I look at the love life. I've slowly begun to love being single, when I stop and look at all the things I have, when I think about all of the things I want for myself and I'm just like - why do I spend this time that I have thinking about -if- I had a boyfriend or if I could only just meet somebody. The truth is that I have a lot on my plate. A boyfriend would be great, but I don't -need- one and I would have even more on my plate if I did have one.

Maybe there's a reason why these things in my life have happened to me the way that they did.
There's a quote from the Wedding Date that every [woman] has the exact love life that she wants. So maybe all of this time I've fooled myself into thinking that all I really want is a boyfriend, when in fact that wasn't the issue at all. Maybe I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and that I was going to be alone forever if I didn't get a boyfriend soon.

I realize that I want time now. Time to be comfortable with myself, to know my flaws and look at myself in the mirror and be okay with all of the decisions I've made. I want time to stop and really reflect, like I haven't in the past.

There is something that brought this post on, I will confess. I was in the bath last night, listening to Michael Buble's wonderful voice echo through the room, and singing a love song - thinking about Mark. So many of the songs I hear remind me of Mark, so many of the lyrics somehow magically fitting how I feel about him.

I listen to the lyrics about love, like I already have him as my love. As if he is mine. He is not mine, and even though it is a possibility that in the future he could be - I can't think like that. I have to remember to live now. What's true about now is that Mark isn't interested for some reason or another - I live to far away, I've done something in our past to make him weary - for some reason now is not the time.

I asked a couple of people what they thought about my feelings for him. Two of them said some words and in them was 'he will never love you'. It was out of context, as in 'He will never love you if you don't love yourself' or 'He will never love you as long as you both have your issues to work out' but they said it. They said, "He will never love you."

The weight of those words crush me. But instead of feeling miserable about it, as I usually would, instead of feeling self-pity I just came to a miraculous sort of break through. He doesn't love me, and we aren't together, and we are not a part of each other's lives. As much as it hurts to say these things I know the truth in them.

That's what is so good about the truth is that everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. So I've got stop lying to myself and I've got to think about right now. There is plenty to do in the now, there are plenty of other things for me to worry about. I can't afford to continue worrying about this.

I told Mark before that I loved him. I have a bone to pick with that word. People throw it around and sometimes say it before they actually feel it. Now that wasn't the case with me - I did feel it - but it got me thinking.

For instance the word 'lol' in my group of friends is sometimes overused in texts and emails and facebook messages. My friends have gotten so used to saying 'lol' as a place holder or an end to a sentence that it is almost second nature to say this phrase. Are they really laughing out loud as their text-speech implies? Is it something they are really feeling, and actually do? Most of the time: no.

The same can be said of the word 'love' for at least my group of friends (and as I know it, a pretty good part of the teenage population these days.) They use 'I love you' to tell their friends that they care for them, that all is good between them. But the word is supposed to be sacred. We've gotten so used to saying it that it is second nature not to think about saying it when you get off the phone with your friends, or when you're ending an instant messaging conversation.

This word is abused, has lost it's power - for an emotion and a meaning that is too powerful. There are only a handful of people that I truly can say I love and would do anything for. I'm not going to list them. But I can count them easily enough.

So though I feel that I love Mark, I won't say it - nor to anyone else that I had been saying it to. If the time comes where Mark and I are in a position to be friends, and then that friendship grows, and even if we get into a relationship I will wait and wait and wait until I am absolutely sure that love is the adjective, is the powerful emotion that I feel for him.

For now...well there's someone I haven't loved enough, and I'm trying to rectify that.

I am on a journey, of growth that started near the beginning of this year. I am not sure how far I am or how much further I'll need to go. But I'll go forward and I will remember that love isn't only external, but it also must come from within as well.

I hope this entry finds you happy and healthy, and well. Loved.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/truth/SpurfheadJones/seek_truth.jpg )

Inspired

Tonight I saw the movie 'Julie & Julia'. Though I was late to the 9:50 showing, I got there in enough time to be there for 97% of this movie and let me tell you, it was well worth it.

The film, starring two of my favorite actresses (Meryl Streep and Amy Adams) chronicles the blogging adventures of Julie Powell, who undertook the enormous feat of cooking through Julia Childs' recipes in a year, a post for each and every meal.

Meryl was hilariously marvelous and commanding in her role as Julia. This actress, one of the greatest screen legends still going strong in her career, effortlessly portrays her character and makes it believable. You forget for a time that this is an actress, or at least I did. That is a great achievement for any performer, and she pulls it off.

The tale is a charming one, showing the mirroring lives of these two women through time. Each of them set out to accomplish something, and despite the hardships they faced, they accomplished it. At the end of the day, everybody in their lives may not have been happy and they may not have changed the world - but they did something. They set a goal and they did it!

I give this movie a five out of five crowns, for being a fabulous creation.

Anyway, the point of this post is that the movie inspired me. I may not win any sort of recognition for my blogs or my writings, but I'm chasing my dream. One day I hope to be a published author and this movie refreshed my Muse's Well of Inspiration. I feel like writing again! I feel like working on my book and keeping at it.

I missed this feeling, and I realize now that it doesn't take a movie to let me have it. I was holding myself back, letting myself wallow in the pits of self-sympathy. What a horrible and ugly place that can be.

Tonight has been an all around spectacular evening: I got to see a wonderful friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long while and we had coffee together. We talked about our lives and sorted through our problems and over all just had a great time. We're trying to collaborate and coordinate a podcast at the moment, about our lives as queer youth. I want to make it meaningful to somebody, even if only for the humor our lives might provide. But more than that, I want to make this podcast relevant to queer youth everywhere. I want to talk about the issues and hear the thoughts of others. Where is our new gay generation headed?

I'm not looking to boister myself onto some pedestal in doing these projects. I'm looking to put my thoughts and ideas out there and just create something meaningful.

We all search for meaning in our lives - and some of us never get it or feel like we don't have something to contribute. But the fact is, whatever we contribute, might in some small way mean the world to someone else and that in and of itself is worth it.

I am inspired. I want to reach someone. I want to achieve my goals and at the end of the day I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say: you tried and you created and for that I am joyful.

So I throw down the gauntlet - go. Go and do something you love and whatever you do love yourself for it.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://winechef.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/080514ptr_merylstreep_001__opt.jpg)

I Need to Wake Up

Good morning, all. Coming to you from the sunshine of L-town, I'm drinking my second cup of coffee.

Last night was...interesting. My former flame came up to visit me with one of our mutual friends. They got here at around eight in the evening and we started out just having a few cigarettes and enjoying our evening.

We decided to go to Applebee's and Jimmy Johns for sandwiches and dessert. The whole time Mark (that's not his name, but rather the name I will use to refer to him.) was on his phone texting. Now if you know me, you realize that this is one of my biggest pet peeves - people on their phones when they are supposed to be hanging out with me. He's been talking to this guy a lot that he really has a crush on and although I do not know that's who he was communicating with, my leap of intuition is not a giant leap of my imagination.

It was just so different from other times the two have been down here to visit. It wasn't as fun. Mark and our mutual friend have gotten into some 'things' that I don't quite approve of but have let slide. At one point, they were all out on the patio smoking and I was inside alone with Mark and he said not one word to me. I went into my room to see if he would come talk to me, but to no avail.

About thirty minutes later, when Erica (my best friend- also not her real name.) went to bed, and then Mark and our mutual friend came into the room and said they were leaving because we were already going to bed at 11:30.

I told them that I wasn't sleeping but they didn't believe me and decided to leave anyway. It occured to me, later on, that Mark hadn't said five words total to me in the four hours they were there. I can't tell you how hurt that makes me feel - I had been falling for this guy for a while now and here he was practically ignoring me.

They're supposed to come back on Wednesday but I don't know if I even want them up here. It's a rude thing to do - just walk out on the people who are putting you up for the night, and go home. It just chaps my ass to think about, really. And until they apologize, I don't really want to see them.

I'm done being disrespected and I have said this before. I'm not that guy anymore. You can't walk all over me and then expect to be best friends. It's just not going to happen. I used to think about the fact that Mark's going to be here after he graduates, in a year. I used to think of all the possibilities that entailed for us. But the thing is - he's not the same person I fell for. Even these past few months he's changed. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's just that I don't really know this new Mark. He doesn't let me get to know him.

The fact that this person was not the guy I fell in love with, was a hard fact to swallow and it was driven home by their trip here. Maybe this was supposed to happen, so I would be allowed to get over him. All this holding on that I've been doing with him has gotten me nowhere. I don't want to be nowhere. So I'm not going to be.

I'm going to work on myself, as I have said I'm going to, and someday some man will see that I'm worth it - and all the idiots out there who let me go will see just what they lost. It's like that bumper sticker says, 'Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.'

It's not always easy for me to be optimistic, like I used to be able to feel so freely, but I figure that sadness for me at this point is more of a choice than a feeling. I'm choosing not to be sad anymore. I'm choosing that. Do you understand how powerful of a statement that is for me?

Today, I may not have a job and I may not be doing everything I'd hoped to be doing, but I have myself. I have the knowledge that I'm going to be ok. I'm going to sip my coffee and my day is going to be amazing, whatever I end up doing.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://www.thetechherald.com/media/images/200928/Coffee_cred_Ahmed_Rabea_flickr_1.jpg)


*Note: The disclaimer in the sidebar to your immediate right, states this - but I am repeating it as a reminder: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. Please read the disclaimer in the welcoming 'rainbow-colored' statement. Thank you!

Amongst the Stars

I just felt in the mood to write tonight. I'm not sure why, being that I haven't done it in a while. But it just felt like the time.

I may have lost my job this week. Not exactly sure how that happened, but we'll see by tomorrow. Yet even as scary as that prospect is - not having a job after 6 months of having one - I'm strangely unafraid.

I've been through so much this past year, heck these past six months that something like this doesn't really phase me. I would like to think it's because I've grown stronger.

Well and also that during these past few weeks I have been trying to build up to a steady belief. I may not like organized religion and I may not want to go to church every sunday but I think sometimes a little faith is what the doctor orders.

So I'm trying to have some faith. I believe that when school starts near the middle of this month, that it'll be easier for me to get a job because of all the people either leaving to go back to school or the people cutting back on hours because of school. This comforts me to acknowledge - still I am not completely without nerves or fear. I don't want this process to take me a long time and I can't in fact afford that.

But instead of looking at this like a hurdle to jump over or a river to cross, I'm trying to look at it like a blessing or a fresh start. I never particularly loved working at the deli. Sure it was a good job, and the people were nice, but I rarely made enough hours to have the extra money I've always needed and craved. This change could be good for me. I've already changed living arrangements and moved into a three bedroom with my sis and bestie, and now I have a chance to change something else in my life.

Work will never be glamourous, at least at my age and education level, but no one said I couldn't try to have a little fun here and there with my jobs. I've been working at uniformed-low pay-service jobs since I started earning money. If I can do it (and don't worry I'm not stupid enough to pass up a job opportunity no matter the low end of the stick) I would like to try and submit my applications into places I might actually be able to stand for more than 6 months.

Speaking of my living arrangements...these past few days have been nice. I've had the week off for the most part (now I know why...heh.) and I've been using them to spend time with the people I love. We've been playing video games, enjoying nice dinners, having a drink or two and it's been a BLAST. I'm feeling like for the first time in a while we're connecting all together.

The romance department is still as empty as ever. Though, I'm holding a piece of my heart for one of the guys I've fallen for over the past several months - he's not in the right place emotionally or geographically to do anything about it. We flirted heavily in high school and over time recently have begun to pick things up again, but he doesn't believe in long-distance relationships and so alas, I have to wait a year before he moves up to L-Town.

It may be too early in my life to tell, but I think this one's special. He may even be the one. Something in my heart tells me we're destined to at least be in a relationship. Some love stories aren't epic novels; some are short stories - but that doesn't make them any less filled with love. As Carrie Bradshaw would say.

A lot of exciting things are planned for this year though, to keep me busy. I'm starting a book club with one of my close friends, I'm going to finally be able to see all the seasons of Sex and the City, one of my favorite television shows (Supernatural, duh) is premiering in September, and I'll be in school as well. So yes, lots of things to keep me busy.

My sister's 22nd (god that makes me feel old) birthday is this month, and we're planning a FABULOUS party for her. The cake alone, which costs $40 by the way, is soooo Boss.

In the meantime, wish me luck on my job search, keep me in your hearts and minds and I shall do the same of you all.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First