Today has been a...good day so far. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have had a lot on my mind. I awoke early this morning, made myself some coffee and then some eggs, smoked a few cigarettes and I am now writing this post.
I've been thinking about my life recently. A lot about it actually, seeing as I've been trying to work on myself in all aspects. Trying to figure out more of who I am.
There are a number of changes that I have made, am making and am planning on making. I am working out more, I am going to write more, going to all of my classes and doing all of my homework. I am being more responsible at my job and with money.
And all of that is fine and then I look at the love life. I've slowly begun to love being single, when I stop and look at all the things I have, when I think about all of the things I want for myself and I'm just like - why do I spend this time that I have thinking about -if- I had a boyfriend or if I could only just meet somebody. The truth is that I have a lot on my plate. A boyfriend would be great, but I don't -need- one and I would have even more on my plate if I did have one.
Maybe there's a reason why these things in my life have happened to me the way that they did.
There's a quote from the Wedding Date that every [woman] has the exact love life that she wants. So maybe all of this time I've fooled myself into thinking that all I really want is a boyfriend, when in fact that wasn't the issue at all. Maybe I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and that I was going to be alone forever if I didn't get a boyfriend soon.
I realize that I want time now. Time to be comfortable with myself, to know my flaws and look at myself in the mirror and be okay with all of the decisions I've made. I want time to stop and really reflect, like I haven't in the past.
There is something that brought this post on, I will confess. I was in the bath last night, listening to Michael Buble's wonderful voice echo through the room, and singing a love song - thinking about Mark. So many of the songs I hear remind me of Mark, so many of the lyrics somehow magically fitting how I feel about him.
I listen to the lyrics about love, like I already have him as my love. As if he is mine. He is not mine, and even though it is a possibility that in the future he could be - I can't think like that. I have to remember to live now. What's true about now is that Mark isn't interested for some reason or another - I live to far away, I've done something in our past to make him weary - for some reason now is not the time.
I asked a couple of people what they thought about my feelings for him. Two of them said some words and in them was 'he will never love you'. It was out of context, as in 'He will never love you if you don't love yourself' or 'He will never love you as long as you both have your issues to work out' but they said it. They said, "He will never love you."
The weight of those words crush me. But instead of feeling miserable about it, as I usually would, instead of feeling self-pity I just came to a miraculous sort of break through. He doesn't love me, and we aren't together, and we are not a part of each other's lives. As much as it hurts to say these things I know the truth in them.
That's what is so good about the truth is that everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. So I've got stop lying to myself and I've got to think about right now. There is plenty to do in the now, there are plenty of other things for me to worry about. I can't afford to continue worrying about this.
I told Mark before that I loved him. I have a bone to pick with that word. People throw it around and sometimes say it before they actually feel it. Now that wasn't the case with me - I did feel it - but it got me thinking.
For instance the word 'lol' in my group of friends is sometimes overused in texts and emails and facebook messages. My friends have gotten so used to saying 'lol' as a place holder or an end to a sentence that it is almost second nature to say this phrase. Are they really laughing out loud as their text-speech implies? Is it something they are really feeling, and actually do? Most of the time: no.
The same can be said of the word 'love' for at least my group of friends (and as I know it, a pretty good part of the teenage population these days.) They use 'I love you' to tell their friends that they care for them, that all is good between them. But the word is supposed to be sacred. We've gotten so used to saying it that it is second nature not to think about saying it when you get off the phone with your friends, or when you're ending an instant messaging conversation.
This word is abused, has lost it's power - for an emotion and a meaning that is too powerful. There are only a handful of people that I truly can say I love and would do anything for. I'm not going to list them. But I can count them easily enough.
So though I feel that I love Mark, I won't say it - nor to anyone else that I had been saying it to. If the time comes where Mark and I are in a position to be friends, and then that friendship grows, and even if we get into a relationship I will wait and wait and wait until I am absolutely sure that love is the adjective, is the powerful emotion that I feel for him.
For now...well there's someone I haven't loved enough, and I'm trying to rectify that.
I am on a journey, of growth that started near the beginning of this year. I am not sure how far I am or how much further I'll need to go. But I'll go forward and I will remember that love isn't only external, but it also must come from within as well.
I hope this entry finds you happy and healthy, and well. Loved.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
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