Love & Happiness

These past few months I have been searching for two things: Love and happiness.

Really you could say I've been looking for them a long time. But for some reason I could never ever find them. It was like a particularly frustrating game of hide and seek.

I'm a strong believer in the message that things happen for a reason. That out of chaos comes beauty. Out of hardship and adversity comes strength and courage.

So, I hadn't given up on finding these things. I had only started to work on things that had bothered me in my life. Things like my friendships and things like my schooling.

I think it is always around this time, with a new year once again blossoming on the horizon, that I look to what the future may hold for me.

Recently, I've met a wonderful guy on the internet. We haven't jumped into heavy flirting, we haven't talked dirty. It was simply a good old fashioned meeting of two strangers who would then begin to share nice long conversations.

This guy and I have many things in common and it's always a delight to talk to him. If this were the past, I would have jumped into this whole thing with a relationship in mind, right off the bat. Without even ever having met him. But this time, it was different. I've become a different person, because I wasn't desperate for things to be anymore than they were.

This has been a gift. How much I have learnt and grown in the past six months have been a blessing. Because I'm realizing what really matters in my life, and who really matters. I'm learning what I should be spending my time focusing on.

I don't need a man in my life to be worth something. I don't need a man in my life to know that I am a good person, or a beautiful person. Those are things I have to know inside of myself. Like knowing that I have the potential to be an amazing student, or knowing that my life has a lot in store for me.

Life seems to be just one big gorgeous prospect right now. And hey. It may not always be that way, and it may not always feel wonderful. I know that in the past it hasn't always felt that way. But if I can just take a little piece of this moment and keep it with me, then I'll be alright.

If I will just remember that I've made it this far and that things could always be worse, then I will be just fine. If I do my damndest and work my butt off, I can have anything that I strive for. Life is one big opportunity. And I'd be a fool not to take it.

There are still so many things I want to do and experience. Learn and accomplish.

So even if this guy and I don't work out, or even if I don't end up staying in Kansas, or if my best friend and I get in a fight...I will always have myself. I will always have the knowledge that this is not the end, if I don't want it to be. I can always work harder, and think bigger.

And as long as there's that to hold onto (along with my sense of humor.) then I can always bring Love & happiness into my life. No matter what.

This is a lesson I am beginning to learn.

And lord it is beautiful.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First



(picture from: http://www.successinspired.com/wp-content/uploads/Happiness--Henry-David-Thoreau-Magnet-C11750605.jpg )

Winter song

It is snowing outside. Today is Tuesday which means my first class is at 9:30 in the morning. It wasn't snowing at first. But it was really chilly and so I put on a scarf.

I wish I had gloves, so that I could wear them and not have my fingers freeze off. But anyway, I don't and so I just stick my hands in my pocket.

I was in the middle of giving my final presentation in my PRE class and it just started flurries and then full on snowing.

It is so beautiful. I wish I could go out and play in it. I wish I could go home and curl up on the couch and drink hot chocolate while watching old movies that I love.

There's a lot of things I wish for. Especially in the face of a new year.

I'm happy that I'm trying to better my life by moving to Minnesota and getting job and just really integrating myself into the community up there.

Still, this holiday is going to be hard. Not christmas, but new years.

Last new years I was with Derrick and Alex. We sat around playing cards and eating chips and queso, while listening to Melissa Etheridge. We drank sparkling cider and toasted at midnight.

'It's coming on christmas and they're cutting down trees'. You know that Joanie Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on."

I've been listening to it recently and I don't know. The holidays are supposed to be a good time, and even though I'm not depressed and even though I'm not entirely sad...I still can't stop feeling regret that I'm not his friend.

I'm done apologizing though. There's only so much I can do. There's only so much I am willing to allow myself to do to tell him that I'm sorry.

Especially when he hasn't had the decency to do the same.

But anyway, I'm really happy because I get until the 14th of January off until I have to go back to class. Mom and I are planning on maybe going to visit Aunt V and the new baby after I'm off.

But we're not sure if that's going to happen.

I would really love to see how Tim is adjusting to being a father. I love that kid. He's been like a brother to me. It is sad that we don't talk more.

Like I said, a lot of things are sad to me.

Still I'm going to be happy to spend time with my families. I love doing christmas things. It isn't the presents, it's all the tradition. Baking cookies with my grandmother on christmas eve.

Opening the one present on christmas eve. Watching cheesy old movies on the couch, and eating popcorn. Doing finger paintings and making chains from construction paper.

It's things like these that warm my heart and my spirit. So maybe...just maybe things will turn out better than I expect.

I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall gently outside the window. And as I do, I'm thinking of all of you. And wishing you a happy holiday and a better new year.

Much Love.

J

All the world's a blur.

I'm so apathetic these days. I just want to get out of (L) so badly.

All I ever do is go to school and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of waking up to get to the bus and I'm sick of walking all over campus to get to my classes.

I'm sick of riding the bus and I'm sick of never eating lunch and I'm sick of just having enough money to get back home and be with my friends and mother only on the weekends.

I'm sick of staying in this freakin' apartment, and I'm sick of eating frozen pizza for dinner every dang night.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

Minnesota is my out. And I have to wait for it. It was too perfect because I was going to leave this place and I was going to a different state entirely and I was going to do it all by January. Then I find out that I'm not leaving until the house in Westmorland is sold.

I'm not complaining about living there after I get out of (L) but I'm complaining because I have another 5 friggin months before that's a reality.

I love my sister, and I love that she's given me this opportunity to be here. I just hate the place is all.

It really isn't anyone's fault. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm 18 years old for crying out loud, and I'm still being treated like I'm a child. That is mostly my fault. I don't say no to my mother or sister when they offer me their help. I ask for it often in fact.

But being in (L) has just put me in the worst place possible, emotionally. In Minnesota, I'm going to have a job and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to join a writing group and take cooking classes.

I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to live my life. And what if it's too late? What if something awful happens during the 5 months I'm stuck here, and I can't leave??

I want to go out on my own and make my own life. That's what all this is about. Instead, I'm living with my sister, whom I've known my whole life. In an apartment in a town that I hate. I'm going to school at a college where I'm not happy.

So yes, I'm apathetic. Yes I don't care about anything in (L). But it's because it's become a prison to me.

I will wait. As Melissa says, I'll pace my cage every morning and rattle my chains every night, I'll stare past the bars never knowing, with nothing left to put up a fight.

I will bide my time, and all the world will be a blur.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. The First