I was going to spend my Valentine's Day with a girlfriend. (You know, the 'honey those shoes are fabulous' kind of girlfriend.) We were going to turn it into a celebration of being single. Fabulous outfits and hair, laughing over sushi and maybe quiet conversation at a coffee shop, then topping it all off with a 'Sex and the City' marathon.
Except, she didn't dump the guy who has been 'dating' her for the past few weeks. She was going to and then he did something really sweet for her that made her reconsider things.
Maybe it's for the better. I want her to be happy and I want her to have a good Valentine's Day. Hell. Someone should. My mother is visiting town and my best friend from ICT just left here. I miss her all the time and this weekend was just a subtle reminder of how much I actually do miss her. But then again I spend a lot of time these days thinking about my relationships and friendships.
I'm just simply more lonely this year. Perhaps no lonlier than the last - but this year it is different. I have gone through an ordeal and things are different now. Everything is different and it can't go back to the way it was. I see everyone and everthing differently now than before. I'm not quite sure what it is I see and I get the general feeling of floating in the air, suspended by an invisible force that is unmoving - and it is my life and my future. It's all just suspended at the moment.
My school has dismissed me and so I've been trying to recover from that. I've taken necessary steps to research schools and in the end decided I wanted to go the online route. I'm going to get a job (to get me out of this apartment everyday!) and pay for these courses. I want to put myself through these obstacles because I got myself into this mess. Well, I played a part anyway. I can't let the two others involved in this situation take all the responsibility. I was there and every moment I spent in hell, I chose to stay...for whatever reason or another.
Generally I wish for a boyfriend every year. I wish that perhaps this is the year that I will have someone to kiss on New Year's or that 'I' can become a 'We'. I will have someone there to witness my life as I am living it.
But I 've stopped wishing. And it wasn't a conscious thing really. I just got off the phone with my friend after having been ditched for V.D. and I was...just complacent. Usually I'd be pissed or depressed. But I can't bring myself to put forth the energy it takes to be upset or pissed. I finally think that after all these years I have allowed myself to just relax. Maybe this past year is to blame and it has taken this self-pity from me and turned it into utter apathy.
I wish I could say that I cared but I just can't. I'm taking my life one step at a time these days and one second at a time. It's a lot...slower. It's not as comforting as people say it is. I feel like I have nothing to do with myself and then the 'weightlessness' sets in.
However, I will say that I have been writing more often and I've been exercising, not to mention that I've cut back on smoking. I'm doing ok.
Anyway another thing that happens this time of year is that I think about who it didn't end up working out with. I can only hope that they spend their Valentine's Day with someone that they care about. Because I wouldn't want anyone to be alone - no matter who they were - unless that was the way they wanted it. This year, I am ok with being alone. Being alone isn't something to be ashamed of. I'm not embarrassed about it and if I were to go to a restaurant tomorrow and be by myself, I would sit proudly somewhere in a booth and be alone.
Valentine's Day means a chance for many people to show their significant others how they feel about each other. I elect that those of us without a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, make that significant other someone that is important to them in many ways. Someone in their life that they have been affected by and just don't always take the chance to say 'thanks' every once in a while.
Those people shouldn't be forgotten. What a perfect day and perfect way to celebrate any form of love in our lives. Love doesn't just come in one person or in one way. It doesn't come in one shape, size, color, or meaning. It just is there in our lives, moving us in ways that we sometimes can't see or haven't been able to realize yet.
So seize this day. Carpe Diem.
Take it into your life and make it your own in a world that has made it uniform and commonplace.
Love is something to celebrate. Always.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
(picture from: http://www.bantjes.com/images/pic_saks-valentine.jpg)
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