I, like many relationship-newbie guys (and gals) I'm sure, have always imagined what it would be like to have someone to cuddle with and to hold...someone to talk about our days with and to share our favorite things with. I have always wondered what it would be like to have kiss chapped lips and just smile because I know I have someone that cares, in not just a friend way.
This guy, Travis as he will be called here, and I have been on three (make that four after tonight) dates. Things are going well, I'd say. When we first met I was oddly not uncomfortable and we both found things to say. An hour passed before I'd realized it and the lunch was over. We both made sure to say, "We should do this again." "Yeah, definitely."
We've watched a movie at his place and mine, we've been to two restaurants.
But here's the thing..
When he texts me I don't immediately smile. I hardly smile when I read his texts. We haven't delved too deep into things, into each other, or at least I haven't felt that way. When I hear his name, it is a noun to behold and it is attached to the string of times we've met. Travis is a really nice guy. He's sweet and I find him cute (adorable even).
A lot of the times though, he doesn't make me genuinely laugh - I mean until tonight. Tonight was the first night where I genuinely laughed at a good portion of the things he's said. He isn't shy and so I know that isn't the problem you know? He is very sociable and outgoing; I've seen it. He's an actor, just like I was, in high school. We share some tastes and we are very agreeable. We've fooled around a bit, but nothing serious (my happy hooker days are over so I won't be having sex again until I'm the proverbial 'Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady) and I've been comfortable both times. I've enjoyed myself both times.
He apologizes a lot. Like tonight for instance when we had a silence, he said, "Sorry I'm not more interesting."
And honestly sometimes it gets on my nerves. I don't like people apologizing a lot. Before you jump down my throat, I know, I know, no one is perfect. Not even I am. I realize this. I'm not expecting him to be perfect, which is why I've continued to see him.
But there's no spark. There's no 'zsa zsa zsu' as Carrie Bradshaw would say. Maybe that could grow, I'm not sure. But four dates, four long periods of spending time together, shouldn't there be some inkling of chemistry by then? I know of guys (Derrick, actually, with Alex) who have had hours long conversations, right from the off. Who spent the entire night on the phone talking to each other until the morning light came and they had to get off the phone because school was in an hour. Who spent so much time talking together in the car that the battery died, and the car had to be jumped.
My mother had that kind of connection with Della. They were infinitely comfortable around one another. They felt electricity between them. I myself have experienced butterflies. When I kissed Mark for the first time I felt those butterflies. I felt as though our souls were kissing. Maybe that was all an illusion, but what wasn't an illusion was our ability to have fun together. Was our ability to hold a conversation.
Tonight, I will admit, that there was something different after we had...messed around...like I said, I laughed genuinely and I had a good time. But this was the first time that I had laughed genuinely. And even then, when I was lying there with him, I didn't think about how nice it was to be lying in his warm arms. I thought about how nice it was to be in a man's warm arms.
I went back and looked at my posts, all of them, from 2009 to 2010. Remember Dirk? I think I used the exact same language to describe him and my experience with him. That he was a great guy BUT there was no spark. No 'zsa zsa zsu'. I don't want to feel like I'm sabotaging myself and so I've decided on a course of action.
I am going to meet up with him again and have a conversation in a public place. I'm going to let him know that until I figure out my feelings for him, I need us not to mess around. This will save me confusion and him hurt (depending on how far his feelings extend...how deep they go). I think this is the responsible thing to do. And after two more dates, if I'm not convinced, I'm going to ask to just be friends. It isn't an exact deadline and I'm going to make sure that I give him a chance -- that I continue to give him a chance.
Oh and I say the whole 'how deep they go' thing above about Travis' feelings because he seems awfully interested in messing around. I mean not to the point of distraction but, tonight as we were getting into it he said, 'man I want you so bad.' I tell you what, if I find out that he's the screw-em-and-leave-em type I...well I may be relieved. I may be relieved that I didn't let it get that far and that I stuck to my guns on my own comfort level and most importantly, that I communicated with him the way that I would want to be communicated with.
I can't tell you how amazing I feel about my life right now. (*knock wood*) I feel so different than I have ever felt before. I feel so motivated. So ready. So here. I proved myself this summer semester at The U of K. I proved my work ethic to myself, my drive, my desire to succeed, and the results came to me in proportion to all of that. I'm not done yet. I want to have a book deal before the year is out, or at least have an agent that is in talks with a few publishing houses. I want to live by my pen, continue to pursue my life's passions, to live honestly, mindfully, and lovingly.
Remember how I made all those connections to myself and Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy back in the day (the post 'Anatomy of Me')? Well, I'm renting season 7 from my local Hastings, and although I know that eventually there's a major tragedy at the end of this most current season, right now in this season, Grey is married and she's happy, and she's a rockstar at being a surgeon. That's where I feel I am at.
I feel like a Rock Star.
I'm doing me.
I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts, with love and light, and hoping you'll do the same for me.
-J-
*Note: in the future, I may sign off differently. I'm trying out something new when it comes to my name.
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