The quote on the picture says: "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I woke up early this morning - I have a sore throat and I think I'm just getting over a cold which is not fun. Anyway I took a shower and I got some coffee and I sat down to write.
I notice that a lot of times I'm on here bitching about one thing or another. I don't want you all to think that's all I do - is complain. I come on here to vent my feelings and to put it down somewhere so that sometime later I can come back and visit how it was for me in a certain period in my life. I write it down to get it out there and see if anyone will understand. Maybe some people go through the same things.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record. A few days ago was the first time in a very long time that I went through my entire blog. It was like reading some of the same things over and over again. On some posts I bring up very valid points but on others I feel like I kept talking about something I had already said or written down.
So I want to take this opportunity at the beginning of this post to tell you all that in my recent life (as in: the past two months) I've felt completely content with where I am at. I'm taking much better care of myself and I've gone through a change in beliefs that I can only call an awakening. A revolution of the mind and soul. I'm more deeply curious about life and what it means to be here than ever before. I'm considering things in my daily life that I have always taken for granted. The small miracles. Things that we never consciously think about unless any of those small miracles are taken away from us.
I won't go off on a tangent. But there were a few things that brought me to this post. Erica's relationship has been doing well from what I can see of it and from what I know of it. That and the fact that she works crazy long hours makes it difficult for us to see each other. This is after having come from a period in our lives where we were able to spend every unscheduled and waking moment together. A period where she lived with me and also where even when she didn't live with me she could come see me when she wanted.
Her fiance Stacy has either some trust issues or codependency issues as I'm led to believe. She has gotten upset whenever Erica asks if she can come spend time with me. The other day when I asked if we could hang out, Erica sent me a text that said, "Hey would it be okay if I went over to j's for a little bit?" And I texted her back saying, "I think you meant to send this to Stacy..."
Which sort of clued me in to how their relationship works. You shouldn't have to ask permission to go see one of your friends. From what I know of mature and healthy relationships, this is how that should have gone: "Hey babe, I'm going over to j's for a little bit but I'll make it back in time for dinner with your mom." Which is where she was headed after my house. The tone of the text message was just like...dripping with submission. Like she was scared to act on her feelings of wanting to see me.
This kind of attitude has lead to a decline in our friendship. I never get to see her on her own anymore and when I did yesterday - it felt emotionless and as if she didn't really want to be there. We don't talk about anything anymore. We just...watch movies or sleep when she is over here. I hate that. I feel like a stranger with one of my best friends. So I've decided to let her go. I don't want to get in the way of something she thinks she wants. She is prepared to marry this woman and she even started talking about children.
Personally I don't think she is ready yet. I think she's still got a lot of living and a lot of learning to do. In fact I don't think either of those things should ever stop happening in people's lives. But in terms of emotional maturity and age - I don't think she is ready for something so deeply profound and complex as marriage. Maybe I'm wrong and should mind my own business...but my instincts tell me otherwise. She has chosen her relationship over me before and she nearly lost me. She spent a hell of a long time making it up to me but we've been friends for four years. How do you just let that friendship go? I never thought I would. But it is exactly what I feel I must do now - and I think it will change me.
People can really suck sometimes and I am grasping that it isn't always rainbows and butterflies (not that I ever thought it really was) but I figured that the good people in your life could drown out the rain and puddles in between. Instead I find myself more cynical and a little more hard of heart.
I'm happy as an individual. I'm travelling the road which will lead me to inner peace. I love the changes I am seeing in my body and in my skin and my over all health. I'm finally doing it! All of these years I have talked about getting to a point where I could be happy in my skin and here I am looking at myself in the mirror and actually being ok with what I see. When I'm at a weight I am comfortable at, when I can run a mile and not be winded, when I can floss my teeth without my gums bleeding and when I can look other people in the eye with the confidence I have in myself then I will be truly satisfied in myself.
I always thought I should do this so that I could fit in well with other people and be more social because - you know - only beautiful people can be social and have lots of friends and relationships. My point of all that is to ask you: Why should we let other people in to our lives if they could possibly take that away from us?
All of this work I'm doing shouldn't be able to go out the window when Erica says that she can't hang out or when she tells me that Stacy doesn't actually like me anymore. I should still be able to feel like I am worthy and happy. And for the most part I do feel that way still. I can know in a way that can only come from authentic self-knowledge that it isn't about me. It isn't something I have done that makes Erica act this way now. It's an issue that is outside of me entirely.
More than anything I feel used. When something comes to an end it is often human nature to look back and remember the thing that is ending. A movie, a book - a friendship, a life. Maybe you gloss over the bad parts and remember only the sunshine and happy times. But maybe you see things through the spectacles of reality and for a minute you find that all those priceless memories weren't as squeaky clean as you'd like to paint them. They might be filled with cracks that you didn't pay attention to before.
The cracks in the relationship that Erica and I have shared for the past four years are hardly small in number. They are large cracks which have become surrounded by smaller ones and it reminds me of a quote from 'The Women' by the character Sophie.
"Whether it's in one big way or a million small ones - betrayal is inevitable in every relationship. It's the nature of these things."
(That's a paraphrase but you get the idea.)
She has lived in my apartment rent free for a month, she has eaten food that I have bought, she has stolen from me, lied to me, used my gas, car, time and money for things that in no way benefit me. And I can say I've done some things to her as well. I've called her horrible things when I'm angry, I've accused her of things that aren't true, I've treated her unfairly and sometimes very poorly.
It's because I recognize these things that I was able to forgive her for them and to put them behind us. It's because I recognize these things that I was able to change my behavior and atone for it. But it's also because I recognize these things that I feel like maybe our entire friendship has been one big pay off for her and one big lesson for me. How do you walk away from a friendship knowing that it has cost you more than you gained from it?
I don't mourn these losses in any big way. For these losses had to be made if I were to become the man I am today. But I mourn the people we had yet to become together - for I think we were better for knowing each other, better for all the ways we have grown together and because of each other. These are the things I measure a friendship in. And in that respect we were full of riches. And I can't predict the future. Maybe we'll end up better friends because of what is happening to us now. But all I can hope is that what happens to us in the following months is what will help us both be better off. I can only hope that the trials will be worth the end result.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. The First
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