To know the way

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that dream, where you're standing in the middle of the desert and the wind is blowing the sand around with the sun bearing down on you, and you're just standing there.

I feel caged still, in Lawrence. Like I'm being tied down here by obligations that are not my own. I want need to get out of here and may won't come fast enough.

Still, I don't know where I'm going to go after school is over. I know that I want to move away from Lawrence, and I know that I want to be out on my own taking care of my own shit. I don't want to have to worry about anyone but myself. I want to come when I please, go when I please, do what I please however I please.

I've been taking care of everyone else for most of my life. I've been letting everyone else dictate where my life was going and how it was going to get there.

I have my own dreams now and I have my own goals. How am I supposed to breathe in this box that I'm in? How am I supposed to live when life as we know it, is holding me down?

Lawrence, that apartment, even KU has just become too small for me. Like a shirt that squeezes the crap out of you when you put it on, but you still wear it anyway. You suck in your gut to make yourself feel like you can get away with wearing it. Well I'm taking off that shirt. I'm getting on with my life.

I think about just quitting KU, moving out sometime during the night and disappearing out of everyone's lives for a while. I'm ready for change. Like right now.

Still, I just have to accept that I have to stay for four months and then it's over. I will plan what I'm doing and I suppose it's better to have this time than not. But I'm just so lost right now. Lost and hating the place I'm lost in.

I would do anything to know the way.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The first

(Picture From: http://www.6stepnichesites.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost.jpg )

Urge

You have to love the fire engine red. And Hello! The picture is so very "Mean Girls".

But that is not what this is about. This is about what is going on in my life right now. I've been thinking about the New Year and about what I've been unhappy with in my life in 2008.

I already got rid of one big one. No need to name names. But I'm talking about things that have to do with me personally.

I've decided to start writing in my work-out blog again, and just writing in general. I'm becoming more motivated to do a lot of things. Like keep up on my blogging and wake up early to enjoy my mornings.

That's something I've started to think about recently. What could I do to add more enjoyment to my life? And my mother has always talked about how she likes to enjoy her mornings. You know, sit down and sip at her coffee, flip through a magazine if she feels like it or even turn on the television.

So I decided to try that. I woke up two full hours ahead of the time I needed to be at school, and I took a good long shower and then I got dressed in a cute outfit and sat down to watch some television with my cup of coffee.

Moulin Rouge was on, which is one of this Diva's all time favorite movies. I was going to write some in my novel, but decided that this first time was just going to be about lazy-relaxation. Not productive-relaxation.

It really charged me up for my day. I felt good all the way through. I watched a few episodes of Brothers & Sisters in between my classes, which I adore by the way. I only have about three courses (until I take my math placement quiz.) and it's fabulous. I love my teachers and the course work should be easy.

Of course I'm only taking a light load because I want to A) Do better with my grades and B) I'm moving to MHTN, KS after this semester.

That's right folks, I don't plan to move to Minnesota any longer. There are several reasons for this though. 1) I'm not going to be staying very long, only about a year and although it would be a good experience to live somewhere else, I feel that it would not be conducive to my plan. 2) I have a plan. Whereas before? I didn't.

Now I'm going to get a job, (and possibly a student loan) and take some online courses geared towards opening up a business.

It's going to be small, quaint and nothing I can't handle. I might turn it into a chain, but that's like "Woah Nelly." I haven't even started the business so I shouldn't be thinking about getting a chain off the ground until I actually have a business up and running.

I figure the experience and the financial backing of myself will allow me to move on to other Business ventures. Like a club, and a staging company.

I have big plans and I hope, a bright future.

Besides, if that doesn't work out, I will just have to have the resilliance to come back strong and get a degree.

This is all is a very scary time, but that's life. I can't spend it sequestered away in my room. I've got to get out there and do what I think is best for myself. And this plan of action is what I think will be best for me.

I don't know the details. I don't know if everything will work itself out. All I know is that I've got a dream, and I've got a motivation.

And when you think about it? That's kind of what this country is all about.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.art4kids.com/images/all/Spring2005/21488-Fabulous.jpg )

Love & Happiness

These past few months I have been searching for two things: Love and happiness.

Really you could say I've been looking for them a long time. But for some reason I could never ever find them. It was like a particularly frustrating game of hide and seek.

I'm a strong believer in the message that things happen for a reason. That out of chaos comes beauty. Out of hardship and adversity comes strength and courage.

So, I hadn't given up on finding these things. I had only started to work on things that had bothered me in my life. Things like my friendships and things like my schooling.

I think it is always around this time, with a new year once again blossoming on the horizon, that I look to what the future may hold for me.

Recently, I've met a wonderful guy on the internet. We haven't jumped into heavy flirting, we haven't talked dirty. It was simply a good old fashioned meeting of two strangers who would then begin to share nice long conversations.

This guy and I have many things in common and it's always a delight to talk to him. If this were the past, I would have jumped into this whole thing with a relationship in mind, right off the bat. Without even ever having met him. But this time, it was different. I've become a different person, because I wasn't desperate for things to be anymore than they were.

This has been a gift. How much I have learnt and grown in the past six months have been a blessing. Because I'm realizing what really matters in my life, and who really matters. I'm learning what I should be spending my time focusing on.

I don't need a man in my life to be worth something. I don't need a man in my life to know that I am a good person, or a beautiful person. Those are things I have to know inside of myself. Like knowing that I have the potential to be an amazing student, or knowing that my life has a lot in store for me.

Life seems to be just one big gorgeous prospect right now. And hey. It may not always be that way, and it may not always feel wonderful. I know that in the past it hasn't always felt that way. But if I can just take a little piece of this moment and keep it with me, then I'll be alright.

If I will just remember that I've made it this far and that things could always be worse, then I will be just fine. If I do my damndest and work my butt off, I can have anything that I strive for. Life is one big opportunity. And I'd be a fool not to take it.

There are still so many things I want to do and experience. Learn and accomplish.

So even if this guy and I don't work out, or even if I don't end up staying in Kansas, or if my best friend and I get in a fight...I will always have myself. I will always have the knowledge that this is not the end, if I don't want it to be. I can always work harder, and think bigger.

And as long as there's that to hold onto (along with my sense of humor.) then I can always bring Love & happiness into my life. No matter what.

This is a lesson I am beginning to learn.

And lord it is beautiful.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First



(picture from: http://www.successinspired.com/wp-content/uploads/Happiness--Henry-David-Thoreau-Magnet-C11750605.jpg )

Winter song

It is snowing outside. Today is Tuesday which means my first class is at 9:30 in the morning. It wasn't snowing at first. But it was really chilly and so I put on a scarf.

I wish I had gloves, so that I could wear them and not have my fingers freeze off. But anyway, I don't and so I just stick my hands in my pocket.

I was in the middle of giving my final presentation in my PRE class and it just started flurries and then full on snowing.

It is so beautiful. I wish I could go out and play in it. I wish I could go home and curl up on the couch and drink hot chocolate while watching old movies that I love.

There's a lot of things I wish for. Especially in the face of a new year.

I'm happy that I'm trying to better my life by moving to Minnesota and getting job and just really integrating myself into the community up there.

Still, this holiday is going to be hard. Not christmas, but new years.

Last new years I was with Derrick and Alex. We sat around playing cards and eating chips and queso, while listening to Melissa Etheridge. We drank sparkling cider and toasted at midnight.

'It's coming on christmas and they're cutting down trees'. You know that Joanie Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on."

I've been listening to it recently and I don't know. The holidays are supposed to be a good time, and even though I'm not depressed and even though I'm not entirely sad...I still can't stop feeling regret that I'm not his friend.

I'm done apologizing though. There's only so much I can do. There's only so much I am willing to allow myself to do to tell him that I'm sorry.

Especially when he hasn't had the decency to do the same.

But anyway, I'm really happy because I get until the 14th of January off until I have to go back to class. Mom and I are planning on maybe going to visit Aunt V and the new baby after I'm off.

But we're not sure if that's going to happen.

I would really love to see how Tim is adjusting to being a father. I love that kid. He's been like a brother to me. It is sad that we don't talk more.

Like I said, a lot of things are sad to me.

Still I'm going to be happy to spend time with my families. I love doing christmas things. It isn't the presents, it's all the tradition. Baking cookies with my grandmother on christmas eve.

Opening the one present on christmas eve. Watching cheesy old movies on the couch, and eating popcorn. Doing finger paintings and making chains from construction paper.

It's things like these that warm my heart and my spirit. So maybe...just maybe things will turn out better than I expect.

I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall gently outside the window. And as I do, I'm thinking of all of you. And wishing you a happy holiday and a better new year.

Much Love.

J

All the world's a blur.

I'm so apathetic these days. I just want to get out of (L) so badly.

All I ever do is go to school and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of waking up to get to the bus and I'm sick of walking all over campus to get to my classes.

I'm sick of riding the bus and I'm sick of never eating lunch and I'm sick of just having enough money to get back home and be with my friends and mother only on the weekends.

I'm sick of staying in this freakin' apartment, and I'm sick of eating frozen pizza for dinner every dang night.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

Minnesota is my out. And I have to wait for it. It was too perfect because I was going to leave this place and I was going to a different state entirely and I was going to do it all by January. Then I find out that I'm not leaving until the house in Westmorland is sold.

I'm not complaining about living there after I get out of (L) but I'm complaining because I have another 5 friggin months before that's a reality.

I love my sister, and I love that she's given me this opportunity to be here. I just hate the place is all.

It really isn't anyone's fault. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm 18 years old for crying out loud, and I'm still being treated like I'm a child. That is mostly my fault. I don't say no to my mother or sister when they offer me their help. I ask for it often in fact.

But being in (L) has just put me in the worst place possible, emotionally. In Minnesota, I'm going to have a job and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to join a writing group and take cooking classes.

I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to live my life. And what if it's too late? What if something awful happens during the 5 months I'm stuck here, and I can't leave??

I want to go out on my own and make my own life. That's what all this is about. Instead, I'm living with my sister, whom I've known my whole life. In an apartment in a town that I hate. I'm going to school at a college where I'm not happy.

So yes, I'm apathetic. Yes I don't care about anything in (L). But it's because it's become a prison to me.

I will wait. As Melissa says, I'll pace my cage every morning and rattle my chains every night, I'll stare past the bars never knowing, with nothing left to put up a fight.

I will bide my time, and all the world will be a blur.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. The First

Shame on America

It is amazing to me that in our country, the one founded and created on principles and ideals of freedom and equality, that there is still discrimination and hatred going on around us.

Society has chosen minority after minority to pick on because of all their problems and issues they can't take credit for.

Except this time, they've gone too far. They've taken away the right in 1 of the 2 states that even allow gay people to marry.

What I want to know is, how in the hell the churches and people that funded this to pass, can sleep at night. That's what I want to know.

I want to know that if they are such ''good people'' why they couldn't have used that money on something useful, like building hospitals in Africa, or donating to the homeless shelters, or breast cancer research, or AIDS research?

It is said that the supporters of prop 8 spent about $35.8 million dollars on this campaign. Why?
Is it really so big of a deal for gay people to have equal footing in this country? Is it really such a big deal if Adam and Steve do get married and have a happy, loving, stable home life?

In fact isn't that one of the major complaints about the gay community? That they are wild and out of control, party goers?

So then why are you trying to stop those of us who want to settle down with the love of our lives, from doing so?

A lot of people used to think that if we ever had a black president, the world would collapse. Well America, Obama has been elected and guess what? Life goes on. Volcanoes didn't erupt, frogs didn't fall from the sky, and all the worlds first born children did not die of God's wrathful smite.

For something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of America, and only involves the two loving people who want to get married, this sure is the most ridiculous thing since Anita Bryant.

What I also want to know is how in the world, did America allow this to happen? How could you take away the few rights that we've worked so hard to gain? How could you allow for us to be publicly embarrased like that?

You know what I have to say to you? SHAME. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON AMERICA.

I promise you, as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will fight. I will protest and demonstrate and you will see a force the likes of which you have never seen before.

I will not stop. I will not go away. I will not be silenced.

I am a Fucking American Damn it.

-J.H.-

Realize

So much has changed in so little time. I haven't stopped to really digest any of it.

In my last post I told [Derrick] that I wasn't going to contact him anymore or check up on him. And then I did. I didn't want a response from him, I just needed him to know that I was sorry for what I said to him.

Except part of me was hoping that he would respond. It doesn't matter of course, if he did. I'd still be moving to Minnesota in a year and I'd still be living my life away from Wichita.

Only, I know why he doesn't respond. It's because he still thinks I'm crazy. And...what if I am? What if there are things that I do, that I don't even realize I am doing? What if everything I say to him now has a tint of insanity to it?

I know that by contacting him, I probably only reaffirmed in his mind that I'm still desperate for him, except that I'm not. He is so different now than he ever was before. I don't even know who the hell he is! So how can I possibly love him?

It's perfectly clear how much he has changed...but how much have I changed? How many little things don't I know about myself? I spent so much time trying to reconcile the past that I forgot about my present. And subsequently my future is getting pissed on.

I don't blame anyone but myself. This whole "derrick debacle" as I like to call it, has cost me way more trouble than it was worth. I'm worried that this whole thing will keep me from ever letting myself feel what love can be.

To be honest, I have cried a handful of times about this. The rest of the time, I'm ignoring it. It's like Melissa Etheridge says in her song (lyrics below) 'Ruins'. "If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel."

I don't think I've allowed myself to really feel the pain. I don't think I've really come to appreciate the gravity of what's happened. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Either way, I apologized, and that's it. That's the only thing I had left to say. The only thing I had to offer. And yeah, it would've been nice to get a response. It would have been nice to hear him say he's sorry for once.

After that email I said, "I'm done apologizing." Because I am. I am so sick and tired of being the one to apologize to the people who have hurt me. Somehow, my self-esteem is so low that I would be willing to accept someone back into my life after they have shit all over me.

Who does that? Why??? I am so...angry with myself. Everytime I think about all the people who I've lost over the years, I always feel regret, and the people who've hurt me? They get off Scot-Free. They probably don't even bat an eye when they think about what they've done.

Anyway. It's a part of the growing up I still have to do. I have to learn when enough is enough. I have to learn when to walk away. I have to learn that even a glutton for punishment has his limits. That is exactly how I feel about my life: I'm a glutton for punishment.

Sometimes I do know that I get intense. I'm not sorry for that. I have feelings, and I'm not going to be afraid to feel them. I'm not going to apologize because I care about someone, and tell them so. I'm not going to apologize because I let that person wholly into my life, because I wanted them there.

I will always feel strongly about everything I do. That includes love. That includes friendship. And I think people can misinterpret that, as insanity. What I think is insane, is living your life being dull, and never allowing yourself to push your limits.

I know I've gone off on a tangent, but please bear with me.

If there is anything this experience has done for me, it is that I am beginning to realize all that I am. Maybe some of those parts of me aren't pretty. Maybe some of the things I say or do are strange. But everyone has their little idiosyncracies, and if someone will not accept me because of mine then FUCK 'EM.

I'm a young adult. I'm growing up...and it sucks. Jesus it sucks. But I do know there is a lot I am doing to better myself. I am taking control of my future by moving to Minnesota. I'm taking control of my future by deciding where * I * want to go to college. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I am going to exercise. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I'm not going to date, for a really long time.

I'm taking the steps. I'm going to "Fake it, until I make it." Do the action, and the feeling will follow.

The thing is...it's not about what Derrick thinks of me. But it's a problem when I can't separate what he thinks of me, from what I think of me. I need to know that I'm not crazy. I need to know that I'm not too strange.
I need to feel some iota of normalcy in this thing called life.

I will move. When I do, I can meet new people and do new things. I won't be in the shadow of my past. I'm going to create new friends and new memories. And I'll meet people who make me feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of my soul will finally come back. Those years of my life that I've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade.*

It feels like starting from scratch. I've gotten over him, but...what does life after him mean?

The question, I will begin to explore from this point on will no longer be: Will he ever accept me?, it is going to be: Who am I?

What does being me, mean?

I'm legally an adult. It's time I find out.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


* This is based on a quote in the movie "The holiday." Starring Kate Winslet.


Ruins - Melissa Etheridge
Don't try to call
There are some bridges that burned
Beyond recognition beyond repair

Don't say you've changed
There are some forces that turned
Beyond recollection beyond my stare

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know you're there.

Long ago I was a woman in pain,
A woman in need,
I ran to you.

Long ago I did not understand
You were making me bleed
I ran to you

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know what you do

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

I know your heart
has held its own fear
It's perfectly clear
What they did to you

But in my heart it's the screaming I hear
I won't let them come near
Since my love knew you
When I feel the cold in the dark
I remember you.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

Night after night
I am carving it out
I will carry it down to the waterside

Night after night
I am hearing the sound
Of wings that come beating
I will not hide.

When I feel the cold in the dark,
I will know why.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

But if I am to heal
I must first learn to feel
In the ruins.
I will crawl
I will crawl
I will cra-a-a-awl.