To know the way

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that dream, where you're standing in the middle of the desert and the wind is blowing the sand around with the sun bearing down on you, and you're just standing there.

I feel caged still, in Lawrence. Like I'm being tied down here by obligations that are not my own. I want need to get out of here and may won't come fast enough.

Still, I don't know where I'm going to go after school is over. I know that I want to move away from Lawrence, and I know that I want to be out on my own taking care of my own shit. I don't want to have to worry about anyone but myself. I want to come when I please, go when I please, do what I please however I please.

I've been taking care of everyone else for most of my life. I've been letting everyone else dictate where my life was going and how it was going to get there.

I have my own dreams now and I have my own goals. How am I supposed to breathe in this box that I'm in? How am I supposed to live when life as we know it, is holding me down?

Lawrence, that apartment, even KU has just become too small for me. Like a shirt that squeezes the crap out of you when you put it on, but you still wear it anyway. You suck in your gut to make yourself feel like you can get away with wearing it. Well I'm taking off that shirt. I'm getting on with my life.

I think about just quitting KU, moving out sometime during the night and disappearing out of everyone's lives for a while. I'm ready for change. Like right now.

Still, I just have to accept that I have to stay for four months and then it's over. I will plan what I'm doing and I suppose it's better to have this time than not. But I'm just so lost right now. Lost and hating the place I'm lost in.

I would do anything to know the way.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The first

(Picture From: http://www.6stepnichesites.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost.jpg )