In a Dark Wood

It is sunday. I am currently sitting alone on Carissa's (my sister) couch and watching 'I am Sam'. This is one of the single most emotional movies I have seen in my life.

But then it is also, right now, one of the single most emotional times of my life as well.

The picture is sort of representative of my emotional state right now. In the beginnings of Dante's Inferno, he is in a 'dark wood' which allegorically has been interpreted to mean he has come to a point where he didn't know which way to turn, he didn't know how he got to where he was at in his life, and he might be moving towards suicide or might be past the point of no return.

Don't worry. I am not, as he might say, so deep into the wood where the sun is silent. You won't have to read this and come talk me off of a ledge.

I just think this is what happens to me when something major is going to occur and is occuring in my life. I'm moving back to Wichita. It is an attempt to take control of my future, and to push myself into adulthood. I need that I think.

My mother has been saying how she thinks this year is one of major change and growth for all of us. She says she wants us all to be independent of each other by 2010. I tend to agree with her. I want to really be able to call myself an adult and handle my car, cell phone, taxes and all of that. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and honestly say, "Yes, I take care of and am responsible for myself."

There is so much that can happen, and might happen with this decision. I am unwilling to turn back however. I refuse. This is something that I have to learn and deal with.

I just wish that it might be somewhere else than Wichita. In order to save money until I get a job and enough money to move out, I have to live with my father. To put it in a way that you will understand: I have to hide everything about who I am.

He doesn't know (I haven't told him anyway) that I am gay. I haven't told him that I smoke cigarettes, etc. I really thought I was done with all the hiding, and now when I need it most, it is not an option to be out and proud.

It is a sacrifice. And I'm going to make it. Because that's what being an adult means. Sometimes doing something painful in order to make things better.

Another issue has occupied my thoughts. We all know and love (to hate) him...Derrick. He had said to me, to forget him. To forget he ever existed. So I wrote him my goodbye letter and have gotten rid of all evidence of his existence. To me, this boy is dead. But...my memories are not.

I will have no problems not seeing or talking to this stranger. This shell of a person I used to know. Still, moving back there has evoked emotions in me I thought to be extinct.

No not love. Regret. Hurt. Anger.

These emotions, I have learned, are not extinct only dormant. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and just stay in my apartment when I don't have to work. I wish I could say 'Fuck You' to the world and to love and to men...sometimes to friends.

People hurt other people. It is the human condition. These words I have heard spoken somewhere, though I can't remember where. And none ring more true to me now.

So I'm moving back to an old place in order to start a new life.

I'm not asking for much...

but if you could wish me luck? I would be your biggest fan.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://customize.org/thumbnails/large/53383.jpg )

*Since this post, I have befriended Derrick again. I harbor absolutely NO hard feelings towards him and I am in fact very happy for his relationship with one of our long time friends 'Dallas'