Realize

So much has changed in so little time. I haven't stopped to really digest any of it.

In my last post I told [Derrick] that I wasn't going to contact him anymore or check up on him. And then I did. I didn't want a response from him, I just needed him to know that I was sorry for what I said to him.

Except part of me was hoping that he would respond. It doesn't matter of course, if he did. I'd still be moving to Minnesota in a year and I'd still be living my life away from Wichita.

Only, I know why he doesn't respond. It's because he still thinks I'm crazy. And...what if I am? What if there are things that I do, that I don't even realize I am doing? What if everything I say to him now has a tint of insanity to it?

I know that by contacting him, I probably only reaffirmed in his mind that I'm still desperate for him, except that I'm not. He is so different now than he ever was before. I don't even know who the hell he is! So how can I possibly love him?

It's perfectly clear how much he has changed...but how much have I changed? How many little things don't I know about myself? I spent so much time trying to reconcile the past that I forgot about my present. And subsequently my future is getting pissed on.

I don't blame anyone but myself. This whole "derrick debacle" as I like to call it, has cost me way more trouble than it was worth. I'm worried that this whole thing will keep me from ever letting myself feel what love can be.

To be honest, I have cried a handful of times about this. The rest of the time, I'm ignoring it. It's like Melissa Etheridge says in her song (lyrics below) 'Ruins'. "If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel."

I don't think I've allowed myself to really feel the pain. I don't think I've really come to appreciate the gravity of what's happened. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Either way, I apologized, and that's it. That's the only thing I had left to say. The only thing I had to offer. And yeah, it would've been nice to get a response. It would have been nice to hear him say he's sorry for once.

After that email I said, "I'm done apologizing." Because I am. I am so sick and tired of being the one to apologize to the people who have hurt me. Somehow, my self-esteem is so low that I would be willing to accept someone back into my life after they have shit all over me.

Who does that? Why??? I am so...angry with myself. Everytime I think about all the people who I've lost over the years, I always feel regret, and the people who've hurt me? They get off Scot-Free. They probably don't even bat an eye when they think about what they've done.

Anyway. It's a part of the growing up I still have to do. I have to learn when enough is enough. I have to learn when to walk away. I have to learn that even a glutton for punishment has his limits. That is exactly how I feel about my life: I'm a glutton for punishment.

Sometimes I do know that I get intense. I'm not sorry for that. I have feelings, and I'm not going to be afraid to feel them. I'm not going to apologize because I care about someone, and tell them so. I'm not going to apologize because I let that person wholly into my life, because I wanted them there.

I will always feel strongly about everything I do. That includes love. That includes friendship. And I think people can misinterpret that, as insanity. What I think is insane, is living your life being dull, and never allowing yourself to push your limits.

I know I've gone off on a tangent, but please bear with me.

If there is anything this experience has done for me, it is that I am beginning to realize all that I am. Maybe some of those parts of me aren't pretty. Maybe some of the things I say or do are strange. But everyone has their little idiosyncracies, and if someone will not accept me because of mine then FUCK 'EM.

I'm a young adult. I'm growing up...and it sucks. Jesus it sucks. But I do know there is a lot I am doing to better myself. I am taking control of my future by moving to Minnesota. I'm taking control of my future by deciding where * I * want to go to college. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I am going to exercise. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I'm not going to date, for a really long time.

I'm taking the steps. I'm going to "Fake it, until I make it." Do the action, and the feeling will follow.

The thing is...it's not about what Derrick thinks of me. But it's a problem when I can't separate what he thinks of me, from what I think of me. I need to know that I'm not crazy. I need to know that I'm not too strange.
I need to feel some iota of normalcy in this thing called life.

I will move. When I do, I can meet new people and do new things. I won't be in the shadow of my past. I'm going to create new friends and new memories. And I'll meet people who make me feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of my soul will finally come back. Those years of my life that I've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade.*

It feels like starting from scratch. I've gotten over him, but...what does life after him mean?

The question, I will begin to explore from this point on will no longer be: Will he ever accept me?, it is going to be: Who am I?

What does being me, mean?

I'm legally an adult. It's time I find out.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


* This is based on a quote in the movie "The holiday." Starring Kate Winslet.


Ruins - Melissa Etheridge
Don't try to call
There are some bridges that burned
Beyond recognition beyond repair

Don't say you've changed
There are some forces that turned
Beyond recollection beyond my stare

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know you're there.

Long ago I was a woman in pain,
A woman in need,
I ran to you.

Long ago I did not understand
You were making me bleed
I ran to you

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know what you do

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

I know your heart
has held its own fear
It's perfectly clear
What they did to you

But in my heart it's the screaming I hear
I won't let them come near
Since my love knew you
When I feel the cold in the dark
I remember you.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

Night after night
I am carving it out
I will carry it down to the waterside

Night after night
I am hearing the sound
Of wings that come beating
I will not hide.

When I feel the cold in the dark,
I will know why.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

But if I am to heal
I must first learn to feel
In the ruins.
I will crawl
I will crawl
I will cra-a-a-awl.