Selfish

There is nothing that I ever wanted more than to see you happy.

Except I always thought, selfishly, that happiness would include me.

If ever there was a time that you felt betrayed by me, scared of me, hurt by me, angry at me: it has been because I was selfish, and because the we were both too damn stubborn to take any blame.

I always want the last word, and I got it. Except somehow, I don't sleep better at night after saying those things to you, and apparantly they have no affect on you.

In the end, all I did was make you hate me. All I did was make a mockery of myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

The strongest thing I've felt for you is love, and that wasn't enough because it was selfish. I never once took into consideration how you might be feeling about all of this. Maybe you didn't offer it, but I didn't have to take that chance from you.

I deserve all the tears I can cry for saying those things, and even though I also deserve better than what you gave me, I know you'll never be sorry for any of it.

You have what you have always wanted, and you don't care what happens to me now.

At first, I didn't know why I was checking up on you. For the past three nights in a row I've dreamed of you, and I had been doing SO good keeping away from you. I thought maybe it was a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. I haven't talked to you and I probably never will. But at least now I know...you're with him again.

I think I was meant to see that. I really have been feeling better about where I'm at with this whole thing, and I haven't thought about you in a while. So I guess this was kind of like the end of my closure.

I know that you won't ever need closure, because you never really cared but, in case you were wondering...It's ok. I'm glad you found what you needed.

And even though you're not wondering: I'm the only one.

I'm ready to move on all the way now. I will in no way ever again speak to, or check up on you.

I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to be unselfish.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First