Quitting Point

At what point do we quit? That question has been on my mind lately.

When is it that we become so disheartened that we just give up?


There are times when I believe I've reached that point. But the nights eventually turn into days and I get up because I have responsibilities. To everyone. To myself.


The movie "The Wedding Date" has a quote that says something along the lines of "Every girl has the exact love life that she wants." And what if that's true? What if in our hearts we are exactly where we want to be? What if our minds tell us we want something different?


I'm writing tonight because I have been searching for love, practically hunting it down avidly, for the past 4 years of my life. Yet I still have not had a boyfriend, I've been on three dates total, and I feel like I've been cheated.


They say that 'the universe listens' and 'The Secret' is all about wanting something and letting yourself have it. What the hell is that? I've wanted a boyfriend, a relationship for 4 years. How much wishing do I have to do to get one?


Tonight as I was talking to my cousin, whom is in a desperate situation, he told me 'I've accepted my situation.' How sad is that? When you have to 'accept' your 'situation'?


What if I don't WANT to accept my situation? What if I demand my happiness?


I know it doesn't change anything. I'll still wake up tomorrow, alone. I'll still spend my saturday doing laundry and writing.


I spend so much of my time worrying about what boys think about me. What people must think about me. I'm too fat, my hair is awful and if I had anymore oil on my face you would have thought someone rubbed popcorn all over it.


Most of the time, I can control these thoughts. My hair isn't that bad, I'm not THAT overweight. I've lost weight since coming to college.


But really, when I do make an effort and STILL it doesn't matter, why should I bother?

Why don't I just go through my days looking my worst? Because I would get the same result as now. What's the point in wishing for something that I don't think is going to happen?


Oh call me cynical. But really? I only think it isn't going to happen because it hasn't already. All these years of trying to find the right combination of style, haircut and hygene and for what? for WHAT?


People try their damndest every day. To: get that promotion, to finally get their significant other to pop the question, to finish that thesis paper. And every day, there's someone that gets shit on. They get passed over on the promotion because they're gay. Their significant other is still seeing their Ex-lover. The thesis paper was good but not good enough.


So at what point do we just say: "Ok life! I give up! I'm done! You win!" ?


At what point is that ok?


Because I am sooo close to that. I want to do it now, just forget about everything and everyone and just say 'fuck it.'


I put soo much thought and energy into thinking about finally finding someone. Now I'm just...starting to get bitter. I just want say "FUCK YOU LOVE."


But somehow...I can't bring myself to do so...because it STILL wouldn't make a difference.


I don't expect anyone to understand where this is all coming from. But believe me, it is frustrating as hell.


I'm sorry to have unleashed all of that on you.


That's all.


J.H.