Winter song

It is snowing outside. Today is Tuesday which means my first class is at 9:30 in the morning. It wasn't snowing at first. But it was really chilly and so I put on a scarf.

I wish I had gloves, so that I could wear them and not have my fingers freeze off. But anyway, I don't and so I just stick my hands in my pocket.

I was in the middle of giving my final presentation in my PRE class and it just started flurries and then full on snowing.

It is so beautiful. I wish I could go out and play in it. I wish I could go home and curl up on the couch and drink hot chocolate while watching old movies that I love.

There's a lot of things I wish for. Especially in the face of a new year.

I'm happy that I'm trying to better my life by moving to Minnesota and getting job and just really integrating myself into the community up there.

Still, this holiday is going to be hard. Not christmas, but new years.

Last new years I was with Derrick and Alex. We sat around playing cards and eating chips and queso, while listening to Melissa Etheridge. We drank sparkling cider and toasted at midnight.

'It's coming on christmas and they're cutting down trees'. You know that Joanie Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on."

I've been listening to it recently and I don't know. The holidays are supposed to be a good time, and even though I'm not depressed and even though I'm not entirely sad...I still can't stop feeling regret that I'm not his friend.

I'm done apologizing though. There's only so much I can do. There's only so much I am willing to allow myself to do to tell him that I'm sorry.

Especially when he hasn't had the decency to do the same.

But anyway, I'm really happy because I get until the 14th of January off until I have to go back to class. Mom and I are planning on maybe going to visit Aunt V and the new baby after I'm off.

But we're not sure if that's going to happen.

I would really love to see how Tim is adjusting to being a father. I love that kid. He's been like a brother to me. It is sad that we don't talk more.

Like I said, a lot of things are sad to me.

Still I'm going to be happy to spend time with my families. I love doing christmas things. It isn't the presents, it's all the tradition. Baking cookies with my grandmother on christmas eve.

Opening the one present on christmas eve. Watching cheesy old movies on the couch, and eating popcorn. Doing finger paintings and making chains from construction paper.

It's things like these that warm my heart and my spirit. So maybe...just maybe things will turn out better than I expect.

I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall gently outside the window. And as I do, I'm thinking of all of you. And wishing you a happy holiday and a better new year.

Much Love.

J