Shame on America

It is amazing to me that in our country, the one founded and created on principles and ideals of freedom and equality, that there is still discrimination and hatred going on around us.

Society has chosen minority after minority to pick on because of all their problems and issues they can't take credit for.

Except this time, they've gone too far. They've taken away the right in 1 of the 2 states that even allow gay people to marry.

What I want to know is, how in the hell the churches and people that funded this to pass, can sleep at night. That's what I want to know.

I want to know that if they are such ''good people'' why they couldn't have used that money on something useful, like building hospitals in Africa, or donating to the homeless shelters, or breast cancer research, or AIDS research?

It is said that the supporters of prop 8 spent about $35.8 million dollars on this campaign. Why?
Is it really so big of a deal for gay people to have equal footing in this country? Is it really such a big deal if Adam and Steve do get married and have a happy, loving, stable home life?

In fact isn't that one of the major complaints about the gay community? That they are wild and out of control, party goers?

So then why are you trying to stop those of us who want to settle down with the love of our lives, from doing so?

A lot of people used to think that if we ever had a black president, the world would collapse. Well America, Obama has been elected and guess what? Life goes on. Volcanoes didn't erupt, frogs didn't fall from the sky, and all the worlds first born children did not die of God's wrathful smite.

For something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of America, and only involves the two loving people who want to get married, this sure is the most ridiculous thing since Anita Bryant.

What I also want to know is how in the world, did America allow this to happen? How could you take away the few rights that we've worked so hard to gain? How could you allow for us to be publicly embarrased like that?

You know what I have to say to you? SHAME. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON AMERICA.

I promise you, as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will fight. I will protest and demonstrate and you will see a force the likes of which you have never seen before.

I will not stop. I will not go away. I will not be silenced.

I am a Fucking American Damn it.

-J.H.-

Realize

So much has changed in so little time. I haven't stopped to really digest any of it.

In my last post I told [Derrick] that I wasn't going to contact him anymore or check up on him. And then I did. I didn't want a response from him, I just needed him to know that I was sorry for what I said to him.

Except part of me was hoping that he would respond. It doesn't matter of course, if he did. I'd still be moving to Minnesota in a year and I'd still be living my life away from Wichita.

Only, I know why he doesn't respond. It's because he still thinks I'm crazy. And...what if I am? What if there are things that I do, that I don't even realize I am doing? What if everything I say to him now has a tint of insanity to it?

I know that by contacting him, I probably only reaffirmed in his mind that I'm still desperate for him, except that I'm not. He is so different now than he ever was before. I don't even know who the hell he is! So how can I possibly love him?

It's perfectly clear how much he has changed...but how much have I changed? How many little things don't I know about myself? I spent so much time trying to reconcile the past that I forgot about my present. And subsequently my future is getting pissed on.

I don't blame anyone but myself. This whole "derrick debacle" as I like to call it, has cost me way more trouble than it was worth. I'm worried that this whole thing will keep me from ever letting myself feel what love can be.

To be honest, I have cried a handful of times about this. The rest of the time, I'm ignoring it. It's like Melissa Etheridge says in her song (lyrics below) 'Ruins'. "If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel."

I don't think I've allowed myself to really feel the pain. I don't think I've really come to appreciate the gravity of what's happened. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Either way, I apologized, and that's it. That's the only thing I had left to say. The only thing I had to offer. And yeah, it would've been nice to get a response. It would have been nice to hear him say he's sorry for once.

After that email I said, "I'm done apologizing." Because I am. I am so sick and tired of being the one to apologize to the people who have hurt me. Somehow, my self-esteem is so low that I would be willing to accept someone back into my life after they have shit all over me.

Who does that? Why??? I am so...angry with myself. Everytime I think about all the people who I've lost over the years, I always feel regret, and the people who've hurt me? They get off Scot-Free. They probably don't even bat an eye when they think about what they've done.

Anyway. It's a part of the growing up I still have to do. I have to learn when enough is enough. I have to learn when to walk away. I have to learn that even a glutton for punishment has his limits. That is exactly how I feel about my life: I'm a glutton for punishment.

Sometimes I do know that I get intense. I'm not sorry for that. I have feelings, and I'm not going to be afraid to feel them. I'm not going to apologize because I care about someone, and tell them so. I'm not going to apologize because I let that person wholly into my life, because I wanted them there.

I will always feel strongly about everything I do. That includes love. That includes friendship. And I think people can misinterpret that, as insanity. What I think is insane, is living your life being dull, and never allowing yourself to push your limits.

I know I've gone off on a tangent, but please bear with me.

If there is anything this experience has done for me, it is that I am beginning to realize all that I am. Maybe some of those parts of me aren't pretty. Maybe some of the things I say or do are strange. But everyone has their little idiosyncracies, and if someone will not accept me because of mine then FUCK 'EM.

I'm a young adult. I'm growing up...and it sucks. Jesus it sucks. But I do know there is a lot I am doing to better myself. I am taking control of my future by moving to Minnesota. I'm taking control of my future by deciding where * I * want to go to college. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I am going to exercise. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I'm not going to date, for a really long time.

I'm taking the steps. I'm going to "Fake it, until I make it." Do the action, and the feeling will follow.

The thing is...it's not about what Derrick thinks of me. But it's a problem when I can't separate what he thinks of me, from what I think of me. I need to know that I'm not crazy. I need to know that I'm not too strange.
I need to feel some iota of normalcy in this thing called life.

I will move. When I do, I can meet new people and do new things. I won't be in the shadow of my past. I'm going to create new friends and new memories. And I'll meet people who make me feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of my soul will finally come back. Those years of my life that I've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade.*

It feels like starting from scratch. I've gotten over him, but...what does life after him mean?

The question, I will begin to explore from this point on will no longer be: Will he ever accept me?, it is going to be: Who am I?

What does being me, mean?

I'm legally an adult. It's time I find out.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


* This is based on a quote in the movie "The holiday." Starring Kate Winslet.


Ruins - Melissa Etheridge
Don't try to call
There are some bridges that burned
Beyond recognition beyond repair

Don't say you've changed
There are some forces that turned
Beyond recollection beyond my stare

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know you're there.

Long ago I was a woman in pain,
A woman in need,
I ran to you.

Long ago I did not understand
You were making me bleed
I ran to you

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know what you do

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

I know your heart
has held its own fear
It's perfectly clear
What they did to you

But in my heart it's the screaming I hear
I won't let them come near
Since my love knew you
When I feel the cold in the dark
I remember you.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

Night after night
I am carving it out
I will carry it down to the waterside

Night after night
I am hearing the sound
Of wings that come beating
I will not hide.

When I feel the cold in the dark,
I will know why.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

But if I am to heal
I must first learn to feel
In the ruins.
I will crawl
I will crawl
I will cra-a-a-awl.

Selfish

There is nothing that I ever wanted more than to see you happy.

Except I always thought, selfishly, that happiness would include me.

If ever there was a time that you felt betrayed by me, scared of me, hurt by me, angry at me: it has been because I was selfish, and because the we were both too damn stubborn to take any blame.

I always want the last word, and I got it. Except somehow, I don't sleep better at night after saying those things to you, and apparantly they have no affect on you.

In the end, all I did was make you hate me. All I did was make a mockery of myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

The strongest thing I've felt for you is love, and that wasn't enough because it was selfish. I never once took into consideration how you might be feeling about all of this. Maybe you didn't offer it, but I didn't have to take that chance from you.

I deserve all the tears I can cry for saying those things, and even though I also deserve better than what you gave me, I know you'll never be sorry for any of it.

You have what you have always wanted, and you don't care what happens to me now.

At first, I didn't know why I was checking up on you. For the past three nights in a row I've dreamed of you, and I had been doing SO good keeping away from you. I thought maybe it was a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. I haven't talked to you and I probably never will. But at least now I know...you're with him again.

I think I was meant to see that. I really have been feeling better about where I'm at with this whole thing, and I haven't thought about you in a while. So I guess this was kind of like the end of my closure.

I know that you won't ever need closure, because you never really cared but, in case you were wondering...It's ok. I'm glad you found what you needed.

And even though you're not wondering: I'm the only one.

I'm ready to move on all the way now. I will in no way ever again speak to, or check up on you.

I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to be unselfish.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Gotta follow that dream...

So recently I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life in L-Town and...how maybe I need to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this wonderful opportunity I've had, but...there are just so many things going through my head right now.

All college professors have to go through the same certification process, in order to be certified. Right? Right. So any college really would be the same, if you want to talk about it. And save me the outraged cries of "Not really" and "What about Harvard?"

I think that I've gotten all I can out of Lawrence for the time being. I feel a lot of things about my daily routine that just...I don't know.

From the get go, I've had trouble getting used to my surroudings. I'm a very introverted person, which means that I get exhausted by people. And all the traveling I have to do just so that I can do some more travelling on campus? Sooo not worth it.

You know college campuses gouge you. You do know that right? Like all the fees that they charge for parking, and food and dorms? That's how they make all of their money. If you were really just paying for an education and not all those extra things, then I bet the bill would be a lot cheaper.

Also, this small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment is just not going to cut it for three people. I'm sorry if that sounds spoiled or whatever, but I just need my space. The wall are paper thin, the food is scarce and the company can't really be called company.

I need to feel like I'm apart of this community. But look at jobs for instance. In a college town, it is logical to assume that the demand for jobs will far outweigh the supply of jobs. Which means that it's a competitive job market here. So when the time comes that I'm paying for everything on my own, how can I expect to be able to rely on the chance of getting a job here??

On top of which, I have no roommate prospects for next year, so that's going badly.

I really feel like there's so much more out there that would be better suited for me than to live in Lawrence and go to school in L-Town.

I'm young. I have nothing tying me down to this place. No lease, no job and my education for the semester will be over in a few months. Which means that I'm...free. And that's a good feeling. I have come up with a plan. I'm going to find a way to move back to Wichita, and then go to school there.

Then after spring semester, I'm going to move to Minnesota for a year and a half. My mother is going to be living there and she has agreed to house me as long as I'm working or going to school (and I'm going to be doing both). As for school, I'm going to try and get as much financial aid as possible along with the fact that I'll be working. I'm going to do online schooling. For me that makes so much more sense.

I won't have to do any traveling to campus, I won't have to wake up early to catch the bus, and the flexible schedule allows for a lot of time for homework and a real life. I have plans to get involved in the community. I want to join a gym and a writer's group. I want to take cooking lessons, or at least watch some Rachel Ray because cooking has always been an interest I would like to have learned about.

I have come to realize there are so many more opportunities for me out there in the world. Bigger than Kansas. Bigger than KU. Bigger than Lawrence. I feel trapped here. Don't ask me why but I just do.

Now that I am trying to take control of my own future and now that I am deciding where * I * want to go and not where my family wants me to go, then I'll start feeling like an adult. Maybe I'm being stupid about this. Maybe I have it better than I realize (and I realize that I do indeed have it good). But if I can make it better, and I have that chance...why would I not take it??

There are so many things I want to do in my future, and none of it can be accomplished here. I don't *want* any of it to be accomplished here. I need to feel like I'm making my own decisions. And hey, if it ends up being fucked up, well then I can't blame anybody but myself.

Now is the time. Now, when I'm young and when I've got nothing to lose. So I'm doing it. I'm setting out on the path to becoming my own person.

Wish me luck.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Quitting Point

At what point do we quit? That question has been on my mind lately.

When is it that we become so disheartened that we just give up?


There are times when I believe I've reached that point. But the nights eventually turn into days and I get up because I have responsibilities. To everyone. To myself.


The movie "The Wedding Date" has a quote that says something along the lines of "Every girl has the exact love life that she wants." And what if that's true? What if in our hearts we are exactly where we want to be? What if our minds tell us we want something different?


I'm writing tonight because I have been searching for love, practically hunting it down avidly, for the past 4 years of my life. Yet I still have not had a boyfriend, I've been on three dates total, and I feel like I've been cheated.


They say that 'the universe listens' and 'The Secret' is all about wanting something and letting yourself have it. What the hell is that? I've wanted a boyfriend, a relationship for 4 years. How much wishing do I have to do to get one?


Tonight as I was talking to my cousin, whom is in a desperate situation, he told me 'I've accepted my situation.' How sad is that? When you have to 'accept' your 'situation'?


What if I don't WANT to accept my situation? What if I demand my happiness?


I know it doesn't change anything. I'll still wake up tomorrow, alone. I'll still spend my saturday doing laundry and writing.


I spend so much of my time worrying about what boys think about me. What people must think about me. I'm too fat, my hair is awful and if I had anymore oil on my face you would have thought someone rubbed popcorn all over it.


Most of the time, I can control these thoughts. My hair isn't that bad, I'm not THAT overweight. I've lost weight since coming to college.


But really, when I do make an effort and STILL it doesn't matter, why should I bother?

Why don't I just go through my days looking my worst? Because I would get the same result as now. What's the point in wishing for something that I don't think is going to happen?


Oh call me cynical. But really? I only think it isn't going to happen because it hasn't already. All these years of trying to find the right combination of style, haircut and hygene and for what? for WHAT?


People try their damndest every day. To: get that promotion, to finally get their significant other to pop the question, to finish that thesis paper. And every day, there's someone that gets shit on. They get passed over on the promotion because they're gay. Their significant other is still seeing their Ex-lover. The thesis paper was good but not good enough.


So at what point do we just say: "Ok life! I give up! I'm done! You win!" ?


At what point is that ok?


Because I am sooo close to that. I want to do it now, just forget about everything and everyone and just say 'fuck it.'


I put soo much thought and energy into thinking about finally finding someone. Now I'm just...starting to get bitter. I just want say "FUCK YOU LOVE."


But somehow...I can't bring myself to do so...because it STILL wouldn't make a difference.


I don't expect anyone to understand where this is all coming from. But believe me, it is frustrating as hell.


I'm sorry to have unleashed all of that on you.


That's all.


J.H.

And when I look at myself in the mirror...

Hey, this one's going to be a little short, because I'm at school and I've only got twenty minutes before my next class.

I just...wanted to write an entry because I was online and I've been thinking alot lately about myself.

I actually did all of my homework yesterday! I came to class feeling totally prepared and it was a great feeling, let me tell you. I felt like I was on top of things.

But there's still alot of things I need to work on before I can feel better.

You see I've taken myself off the dating market, and I'm not going back on it no matter what until I am completely satisfied with who I am.

I have to start exercising on a regular basis, and I've got to make sure I have all my responsibilities taken care of before doing something else for fun. I'm also trying to figure out how I can take care of myself financially. I know I don't have to do it right now, but eventually I have to be able to pay my dad for my sophomore year of college.

That's going to suck, but I've got to stick to it. My mother said she would pay me to help her renovate the westy hosue this summer, so I'm going to do that obviously. (free meals and free room and board and all that.)

Anyway, I just...I've been realizing how much I've changed over the past few months. And why. If Derrick hadn't broken my heart I wouldn't be where I am today. I would not be as motivated, as emotionally developed or as strong.

So in the words of Christina Aguilera: Thanks for making me a fighter.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Home is where my heart is and where it shall remain

They always say 'Home is where the heart is', and for me this is true.

For a few weeks now, the question has been, where is home?

As a college student I am going through what all of us go through: the transition from high school to college. From teenager to young adult. More responsibilities are being layed upon us all to grow up, take care of ourselves, and eventually kick-start our way into the 'real-world'.

I don't dispute that I do live in L-Town now, and I do love it here, but when I visit the place that I called home for a 3/4's of my life I realize that my heart will always be there. Maybe not always, but as long as I still have people I care about there. As long as I still have family there, and as long as I feel like that's where I belong.

I know that I'm still setting up a life here (hell I haven't even unpacked all my things) but I'll always know that this place? Is just a temporary place that I'll live in until I find my path in life. It doesn't mean that I won't enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I won't be sad to see it go, four years down the road, but there is no doubt in my mind that I don't really belong here.

I have goals and I have dreams and they don't involve Kansas. As much as it would pain me to say goodbye, I know it will be worth it when I say 'hello' to my future. To where I've been working towards all these years, and will continue to work towards.

Lately I've been seeing a lot of empowering movies. Oh sure, alot of movies are empowering, but it's the ones that show people who had circumstances standing in their way of happiness and seeing them overcome those circumstances that really gives me hope.

The Last Holiday, The Women, Sex and the City. All are great movies. All have given me comfort these past few days.

They make my goals seem more obtainable, my burdens less heavy. Still, I'm here.

It's Sunday evening and I have just returned from my hometown. I didn't let anyone know that I was coming, and I didn't make any plans. For once in all the times that I have been there, I truly felt relaxed. I helped my mother fix her basement carpet, I watched movies, I surfed the web at leisure. I didn't have any obligations.

Always there was this pressure of letting everyone know I was coming, and seeing if they could fit me in their schedule, and instead of all that I just said 'forget it. This weekend is about me and my mother, and enjoying ourselves'. That is exactly what we did.

I wasn't...sad to come back to Lawrence per ce. I was just...homesick. On the ride home I was thinking about the apartment that I'm staying in, and I was thinking about how much I always miss my mother. How lonely it can get sometimes when you're away from those you care about most.

I came 'home', turned on my television and put in Queer As Folk to comfort me. It was the one where Michael came back from Oregon, and he was ashamed to be back, because that meant he had failed in his new life.

I can relate to Michael, in fact, I was a little afraid that maybe I might not succeed in my own new life.

Then Ted sat beside him, put his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "As for coming home, there's no shame in that, it's what it's here for."

So tonight when I got to bed and I think about my mother and her adorable puppy Denver, and even if I dream about them, I won't feel bad.

Because home?

It's where my heart is, and where it shall remain.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First