Selfish

There is nothing that I ever wanted more than to see you happy.

Except I always thought, selfishly, that happiness would include me.

If ever there was a time that you felt betrayed by me, scared of me, hurt by me, angry at me: it has been because I was selfish, and because the we were both too damn stubborn to take any blame.

I always want the last word, and I got it. Except somehow, I don't sleep better at night after saying those things to you, and apparantly they have no affect on you.

In the end, all I did was make you hate me. All I did was make a mockery of myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

The strongest thing I've felt for you is love, and that wasn't enough because it was selfish. I never once took into consideration how you might be feeling about all of this. Maybe you didn't offer it, but I didn't have to take that chance from you.

I deserve all the tears I can cry for saying those things, and even though I also deserve better than what you gave me, I know you'll never be sorry for any of it.

You have what you have always wanted, and you don't care what happens to me now.

At first, I didn't know why I was checking up on you. For the past three nights in a row I've dreamed of you, and I had been doing SO good keeping away from you. I thought maybe it was a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. I haven't talked to you and I probably never will. But at least now I know...you're with him again.

I think I was meant to see that. I really have been feeling better about where I'm at with this whole thing, and I haven't thought about you in a while. So I guess this was kind of like the end of my closure.

I know that you won't ever need closure, because you never really cared but, in case you were wondering...It's ok. I'm glad you found what you needed.

And even though you're not wondering: I'm the only one.

I'm ready to move on all the way now. I will in no way ever again speak to, or check up on you.

I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to be unselfish.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Gotta follow that dream...

So recently I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life in L-Town and...how maybe I need to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this wonderful opportunity I've had, but...there are just so many things going through my head right now.

All college professors have to go through the same certification process, in order to be certified. Right? Right. So any college really would be the same, if you want to talk about it. And save me the outraged cries of "Not really" and "What about Harvard?"

I think that I've gotten all I can out of Lawrence for the time being. I feel a lot of things about my daily routine that just...I don't know.

From the get go, I've had trouble getting used to my surroudings. I'm a very introverted person, which means that I get exhausted by people. And all the traveling I have to do just so that I can do some more travelling on campus? Sooo not worth it.

You know college campuses gouge you. You do know that right? Like all the fees that they charge for parking, and food and dorms? That's how they make all of their money. If you were really just paying for an education and not all those extra things, then I bet the bill would be a lot cheaper.

Also, this small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment is just not going to cut it for three people. I'm sorry if that sounds spoiled or whatever, but I just need my space. The wall are paper thin, the food is scarce and the company can't really be called company.

I need to feel like I'm apart of this community. But look at jobs for instance. In a college town, it is logical to assume that the demand for jobs will far outweigh the supply of jobs. Which means that it's a competitive job market here. So when the time comes that I'm paying for everything on my own, how can I expect to be able to rely on the chance of getting a job here??

On top of which, I have no roommate prospects for next year, so that's going badly.

I really feel like there's so much more out there that would be better suited for me than to live in Lawrence and go to school in L-Town.

I'm young. I have nothing tying me down to this place. No lease, no job and my education for the semester will be over in a few months. Which means that I'm...free. And that's a good feeling. I have come up with a plan. I'm going to find a way to move back to Wichita, and then go to school there.

Then after spring semester, I'm going to move to Minnesota for a year and a half. My mother is going to be living there and she has agreed to house me as long as I'm working or going to school (and I'm going to be doing both). As for school, I'm going to try and get as much financial aid as possible along with the fact that I'll be working. I'm going to do online schooling. For me that makes so much more sense.

I won't have to do any traveling to campus, I won't have to wake up early to catch the bus, and the flexible schedule allows for a lot of time for homework and a real life. I have plans to get involved in the community. I want to join a gym and a writer's group. I want to take cooking lessons, or at least watch some Rachel Ray because cooking has always been an interest I would like to have learned about.

I have come to realize there are so many more opportunities for me out there in the world. Bigger than Kansas. Bigger than KU. Bigger than Lawrence. I feel trapped here. Don't ask me why but I just do.

Now that I am trying to take control of my own future and now that I am deciding where * I * want to go and not where my family wants me to go, then I'll start feeling like an adult. Maybe I'm being stupid about this. Maybe I have it better than I realize (and I realize that I do indeed have it good). But if I can make it better, and I have that chance...why would I not take it??

There are so many things I want to do in my future, and none of it can be accomplished here. I don't *want* any of it to be accomplished here. I need to feel like I'm making my own decisions. And hey, if it ends up being fucked up, well then I can't blame anybody but myself.

Now is the time. Now, when I'm young and when I've got nothing to lose. So I'm doing it. I'm setting out on the path to becoming my own person.

Wish me luck.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Quitting Point

At what point do we quit? That question has been on my mind lately.

When is it that we become so disheartened that we just give up?


There are times when I believe I've reached that point. But the nights eventually turn into days and I get up because I have responsibilities. To everyone. To myself.


The movie "The Wedding Date" has a quote that says something along the lines of "Every girl has the exact love life that she wants." And what if that's true? What if in our hearts we are exactly where we want to be? What if our minds tell us we want something different?


I'm writing tonight because I have been searching for love, practically hunting it down avidly, for the past 4 years of my life. Yet I still have not had a boyfriend, I've been on three dates total, and I feel like I've been cheated.


They say that 'the universe listens' and 'The Secret' is all about wanting something and letting yourself have it. What the hell is that? I've wanted a boyfriend, a relationship for 4 years. How much wishing do I have to do to get one?


Tonight as I was talking to my cousin, whom is in a desperate situation, he told me 'I've accepted my situation.' How sad is that? When you have to 'accept' your 'situation'?


What if I don't WANT to accept my situation? What if I demand my happiness?


I know it doesn't change anything. I'll still wake up tomorrow, alone. I'll still spend my saturday doing laundry and writing.


I spend so much of my time worrying about what boys think about me. What people must think about me. I'm too fat, my hair is awful and if I had anymore oil on my face you would have thought someone rubbed popcorn all over it.


Most of the time, I can control these thoughts. My hair isn't that bad, I'm not THAT overweight. I've lost weight since coming to college.


But really, when I do make an effort and STILL it doesn't matter, why should I bother?

Why don't I just go through my days looking my worst? Because I would get the same result as now. What's the point in wishing for something that I don't think is going to happen?


Oh call me cynical. But really? I only think it isn't going to happen because it hasn't already. All these years of trying to find the right combination of style, haircut and hygene and for what? for WHAT?


People try their damndest every day. To: get that promotion, to finally get their significant other to pop the question, to finish that thesis paper. And every day, there's someone that gets shit on. They get passed over on the promotion because they're gay. Their significant other is still seeing their Ex-lover. The thesis paper was good but not good enough.


So at what point do we just say: "Ok life! I give up! I'm done! You win!" ?


At what point is that ok?


Because I am sooo close to that. I want to do it now, just forget about everything and everyone and just say 'fuck it.'


I put soo much thought and energy into thinking about finally finding someone. Now I'm just...starting to get bitter. I just want say "FUCK YOU LOVE."


But somehow...I can't bring myself to do so...because it STILL wouldn't make a difference.


I don't expect anyone to understand where this is all coming from. But believe me, it is frustrating as hell.


I'm sorry to have unleashed all of that on you.


That's all.


J.H.

And when I look at myself in the mirror...

Hey, this one's going to be a little short, because I'm at school and I've only got twenty minutes before my next class.

I just...wanted to write an entry because I was online and I've been thinking alot lately about myself.

I actually did all of my homework yesterday! I came to class feeling totally prepared and it was a great feeling, let me tell you. I felt like I was on top of things.

But there's still alot of things I need to work on before I can feel better.

You see I've taken myself off the dating market, and I'm not going back on it no matter what until I am completely satisfied with who I am.

I have to start exercising on a regular basis, and I've got to make sure I have all my responsibilities taken care of before doing something else for fun. I'm also trying to figure out how I can take care of myself financially. I know I don't have to do it right now, but eventually I have to be able to pay my dad for my sophomore year of college.

That's going to suck, but I've got to stick to it. My mother said she would pay me to help her renovate the westy hosue this summer, so I'm going to do that obviously. (free meals and free room and board and all that.)

Anyway, I just...I've been realizing how much I've changed over the past few months. And why. If Derrick hadn't broken my heart I wouldn't be where I am today. I would not be as motivated, as emotionally developed or as strong.

So in the words of Christina Aguilera: Thanks for making me a fighter.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Home is where my heart is and where it shall remain

They always say 'Home is where the heart is', and for me this is true.

For a few weeks now, the question has been, where is home?

As a college student I am going through what all of us go through: the transition from high school to college. From teenager to young adult. More responsibilities are being layed upon us all to grow up, take care of ourselves, and eventually kick-start our way into the 'real-world'.

I don't dispute that I do live in L-Town now, and I do love it here, but when I visit the place that I called home for a 3/4's of my life I realize that my heart will always be there. Maybe not always, but as long as I still have people I care about there. As long as I still have family there, and as long as I feel like that's where I belong.

I know that I'm still setting up a life here (hell I haven't even unpacked all my things) but I'll always know that this place? Is just a temporary place that I'll live in until I find my path in life. It doesn't mean that I won't enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I won't be sad to see it go, four years down the road, but there is no doubt in my mind that I don't really belong here.

I have goals and I have dreams and they don't involve Kansas. As much as it would pain me to say goodbye, I know it will be worth it when I say 'hello' to my future. To where I've been working towards all these years, and will continue to work towards.

Lately I've been seeing a lot of empowering movies. Oh sure, alot of movies are empowering, but it's the ones that show people who had circumstances standing in their way of happiness and seeing them overcome those circumstances that really gives me hope.

The Last Holiday, The Women, Sex and the City. All are great movies. All have given me comfort these past few days.

They make my goals seem more obtainable, my burdens less heavy. Still, I'm here.

It's Sunday evening and I have just returned from my hometown. I didn't let anyone know that I was coming, and I didn't make any plans. For once in all the times that I have been there, I truly felt relaxed. I helped my mother fix her basement carpet, I watched movies, I surfed the web at leisure. I didn't have any obligations.

Always there was this pressure of letting everyone know I was coming, and seeing if they could fit me in their schedule, and instead of all that I just said 'forget it. This weekend is about me and my mother, and enjoying ourselves'. That is exactly what we did.

I wasn't...sad to come back to Lawrence per ce. I was just...homesick. On the ride home I was thinking about the apartment that I'm staying in, and I was thinking about how much I always miss my mother. How lonely it can get sometimes when you're away from those you care about most.

I came 'home', turned on my television and put in Queer As Folk to comfort me. It was the one where Michael came back from Oregon, and he was ashamed to be back, because that meant he had failed in his new life.

I can relate to Michael, in fact, I was a little afraid that maybe I might not succeed in my own new life.

Then Ted sat beside him, put his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "As for coming home, there's no shame in that, it's what it's here for."

So tonight when I got to bed and I think about my mother and her adorable puppy Denver, and even if I dream about them, I won't feel bad.

Because home?

It's where my heart is, and where it shall remain.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Metamorphoses

I'm hurt. I've been hurting, for a while now. Only I haven't been admitting it to myself. Because it's been more than six months and I should be over him. Everyone expects me to be over him. For so long, I've been telling myself that I'm moving on, and that I am working towards a better life for myself.

But for the past six months I've been hiding behind a facade of change and healing. I haven't been healing. I've been mourning. I've been mourning the death of myself. I've been clinging on to who I was, when I knew him, because it was just another way to keep him.

The truth is, I've been angry and bitter. About life. Where before I was happy and nonchalant to the point that I was carefree.

Except now I'm waking up. I can breathe again. It's been so long since I've felt...in control and alive.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way before.

I was watching 'My Best Friend's Wedding', and of course marveling at the amazing Julia Roberts, when it occured to me. I am Julia. So to speak. I am that girl. Who is still in love with the groom, and still waiting for him to realize that he's in love with me.

Except that moment doesn't come. He still marries Cameron Diaz, and she is still alone. And I sat there thinking to myself, that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be at his wedding, pining away for him, trying to make him see me. Because he doesn't see me. He hasn't for a long time.

That life ends for Julia, when the credits roll, but what of me? I can't just stay frozen forever in a period in my life where loving him is still ok. Because it's not.

The other day I cracked. I sent him a text message, because I was having a weak moment. We've been talking off and on, but mostly just because I start topics of conversation randomly. It just makes me feel...pathetic. I've allowed myself to become someone I don't recognize.

I've been blaming love and him for the longest time. I've hidden under a shroud of pain and hurt and used it, as an excuse, to stop living. To just give up.

I don't know why I'm so attached to him. I don't know why I can't just fucking let him go already.

But I've done it. I've realized it, for real this time. That I'm in a far worse place than I thought. That I can't just sit here and tell everyone through my blog that I'm over him and then be done with the matter. That's not how it works.

I haven't let myself properly deal with all of this. I shouldn't be talking to him! I should be telling him to fuck off if he comes within a five mile radius of me.

I was in the shower after the movie, and I just...lost it. That's when I knew. I had to change, I had to let him go, because there's a whole big world out there outside of Kansas. Outside of Wichita, outside of loving him...something that was apart of my world for two and a half years.

All these years, I've been catering to other people. I've been...loyal, nice, true, honest, helpful (to the point where it becomes a hindrance to me.) And while it is good to have these traits in spades, I can no longer push myself aside for others.

I've been existing for 18 years now. I haven't lived a single day.

It feels like, all my life I've been waiting for something to happen that changes my world, that makes everything technicolor where before it was black and white.

I'm 18 and I don't know who I am. Not completely. Or at least...I haven't allowed myself to become who it is that I really am inside, because I don't know...some part of me was afraid that nobody would love the real me. Including myself, if I got to know myself.

So that's changing now. I don't know why this happened, I don't really know how...but I thank god that it did.

I am going to spend the rest of my time on this earth, however long that may be, discovering who I really am, and just...being.

I'm not going to worry about love or hate, I'm not going to stress because I got a $20 parking ticket or I didn't get my math homework done. I'm just going to be.

Tomorrow, when I wake up. I'm going to smile, thank god that I opened my eyes, and I am going to be content in the knowledge that I am ok.

Hello world.

This is me. This is my metamorphoses.

J.H.

Off to get a good ole' edeekashun.

Well I'm here. I'm in lawrence now, and I'm officially living 'on my own'. Of course it would be more official if I wasn't living with my sister...but then I wouldn't have my own room, so I don't really mind.

I can't believe it. I'm in college! The feeling is...so weird. In a few years I'll be where Carissa's at: Ready to graduate with a degree and start a job in the 'real world'. I'm interested to discover in which ways I will grow. I can't wait to meet new people and get involved in awesome activities.

I already miss my friends back in Tal-Town. Go figure. But I'll see them again, when I visit them or they visit me. It's strange to think that they won't be a central part of my life anymore. A lot of things are strange these days.

It feels so weird to call this place home. A place that I've only ever visited and never really thought about living. I'm still completely lost when it comes to streets and all that. I guess it'll take me awhile before I'm as good as Carissa at navigating Lawrence.

Xander takes some getting used to. I miss my Denver though. For some reason, Xander looks odd to me, and Denver is just sooooo cute. I won't miss him waking me up at 9 in the morning though. Whimpering because he's stuck in his crate. I always went to let him out because the way he sounded, it was like we were kicking him instead of putting him in a crate with a blanket and toys. Spoiled little thing.

I'm so anxious for classes to start. I wish they were already beginning, but I found out that they don't start until Thursday. Bleh. I guess now I'll have time to really unpack, at my own pace, and set everything up. I do, after all, have a reputation to create...being a responsible student and all.

T's here already too! That's a plus. She's a great friend of mine, and she's taking band so they make her come up here early. Tee! Tomorrow she said she wanted to have lunch with me! WOOT, and we get to watch Queen of the Damned, which I have never seen...which is apparantly a crime in her books. lol.

I finished Breaking Dawn about a week ago! Oh goodness I love the Twilight series. If you have not read it yet, GO! READ. NOW. Remember, the Twilight series by Stephanie Myer. Of course it's a teenager's book about a human falling in love with a vampire, but I liked it. It was intriguing.

I feel like I have nothing to do here though. That's a bit of a problem. I don't know anyone, except Yace, Carissa and Jules. Bleh. I love the girls to death, but Carissa and Jules are working girls. What am I to do all day, till I get a job and start school???

I'm saving up for a new phone. I want to get like a PDA/Palm Pilot type phone. I already went and picked it out at the verizon store, and it's about $170. I've got $50 of that though, thanks to one of dad's friends who sent me graduation money. :D And I think it'll be nice to have something to call my own as well, that I bought with money I saved.

I could've bought it if Mom hadn't have gone away for that entire month that I had to feed and entertain myself...and fix her ant problem, and go grocery shopping. Let me tell you what, seeing that I spent most of my money on that, bites the big one. For reals.

I always feel guilty when it comes to money though. I hate hate hate it when my mother has to transfer money because I'm close to getting an overdraft fee or something. I always feel so careless...and then starts the thoughts of me not being able to handle money, and never being able to make it on my own when I don't have her there to help me. *sigh*

So that's why I'm getting a job as soon as I can. So that she doesn't have to worry about that stuff, and Carissa either. I can help out with the internet bill and the groceries. And I can stock the fridge with whatever I want. Of course I'll ask that they not touch certain items, but I'll share too. :D

I guess the only thing left to do now, besides unpacking I mean, is to find a decent chinese place.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First