Metamorphoses

I'm hurt. I've been hurting, for a while now. Only I haven't been admitting it to myself. Because it's been more than six months and I should be over him. Everyone expects me to be over him. For so long, I've been telling myself that I'm moving on, and that I am working towards a better life for myself.

But for the past six months I've been hiding behind a facade of change and healing. I haven't been healing. I've been mourning. I've been mourning the death of myself. I've been clinging on to who I was, when I knew him, because it was just another way to keep him.

The truth is, I've been angry and bitter. About life. Where before I was happy and nonchalant to the point that I was carefree.

Except now I'm waking up. I can breathe again. It's been so long since I've felt...in control and alive.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way before.

I was watching 'My Best Friend's Wedding', and of course marveling at the amazing Julia Roberts, when it occured to me. I am Julia. So to speak. I am that girl. Who is still in love with the groom, and still waiting for him to realize that he's in love with me.

Except that moment doesn't come. He still marries Cameron Diaz, and she is still alone. And I sat there thinking to myself, that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be at his wedding, pining away for him, trying to make him see me. Because he doesn't see me. He hasn't for a long time.

That life ends for Julia, when the credits roll, but what of me? I can't just stay frozen forever in a period in my life where loving him is still ok. Because it's not.

The other day I cracked. I sent him a text message, because I was having a weak moment. We've been talking off and on, but mostly just because I start topics of conversation randomly. It just makes me feel...pathetic. I've allowed myself to become someone I don't recognize.

I've been blaming love and him for the longest time. I've hidden under a shroud of pain and hurt and used it, as an excuse, to stop living. To just give up.

I don't know why I'm so attached to him. I don't know why I can't just fucking let him go already.

But I've done it. I've realized it, for real this time. That I'm in a far worse place than I thought. That I can't just sit here and tell everyone through my blog that I'm over him and then be done with the matter. That's not how it works.

I haven't let myself properly deal with all of this. I shouldn't be talking to him! I should be telling him to fuck off if he comes within a five mile radius of me.

I was in the shower after the movie, and I just...lost it. That's when I knew. I had to change, I had to let him go, because there's a whole big world out there outside of Kansas. Outside of Wichita, outside of loving him...something that was apart of my world for two and a half years.

All these years, I've been catering to other people. I've been...loyal, nice, true, honest, helpful (to the point where it becomes a hindrance to me.) And while it is good to have these traits in spades, I can no longer push myself aside for others.

I've been existing for 18 years now. I haven't lived a single day.

It feels like, all my life I've been waiting for something to happen that changes my world, that makes everything technicolor where before it was black and white.

I'm 18 and I don't know who I am. Not completely. Or at least...I haven't allowed myself to become who it is that I really am inside, because I don't know...some part of me was afraid that nobody would love the real me. Including myself, if I got to know myself.

So that's changing now. I don't know why this happened, I don't really know how...but I thank god that it did.

I am going to spend the rest of my time on this earth, however long that may be, discovering who I really am, and just...being.

I'm not going to worry about love or hate, I'm not going to stress because I got a $20 parking ticket or I didn't get my math homework done. I'm just going to be.

Tomorrow, when I wake up. I'm going to smile, thank god that I opened my eyes, and I am going to be content in the knowledge that I am ok.

Hello world.

This is me. This is my metamorphoses.

J.H.