Valentine

  Hello all. Another Valentine's Day is upon us. It is the midnight hour of such a day - something that I've done a wonderful job of ignoring up until now.

I was going to spend my Valentine's Day with a girlfriend. (You know, the 'honey those shoes are fabulous' kind of girlfriend.) We were going to turn it into a celebration of being single. Fabulous outfits and hair, laughing over sushi and maybe quiet conversation at a coffee shop, then topping it all off with a 'Sex and the City' marathon.

Except, she didn't dump the guy who has been 'dating' her for the past few weeks. She was going to and then he did something really sweet for her that made her reconsider things.

Maybe it's for the better. I want her to be happy and I want her to have a good Valentine's Day. Hell. Someone should. My mother is visiting town and my best friend from ICT just left here. I miss her all the time and this weekend was just a subtle reminder of how much I actually do miss her. But then again I spend a lot of time these days thinking about my relationships and friendships.

I'm just simply more lonely this year. Perhaps no lonlier than the last - but this year it is different. I have gone through an ordeal and things are different now. Everything is different and it can't go back to the way it was. I see everyone and everthing differently now than before. I'm not quite sure what it is I see and I get the general feeling of floating in the air, suspended by an invisible force that is unmoving - and it is my life and my future. It's all just suspended at the moment.

My school has dismissed me and so I've been trying to recover from that. I've taken necessary steps to research schools and in the end decided I wanted to go the online route. I'm going to get a job (to get me out of this apartment everyday!) and pay for these courses. I want to put myself through these obstacles because I got myself into this mess. Well, I played a part anyway. I can't let the two others involved in this situation take all the responsibility. I was there and every moment I spent in hell, I chose to stay...for whatever reason or another.

Generally I wish for a boyfriend every year. I wish that perhaps this is the year that I will have someone to kiss on New Year's or that 'I' can become a 'We'. I will have someone there to witness my life as I am living it.

But I 've stopped wishing. And it wasn't a conscious thing really. I just got off the phone with my friend after having been ditched for V.D. and I was...just complacent. Usually I'd be pissed or depressed. But I can't bring myself to put forth the energy it takes to be upset or pissed. I finally think that after all these years I have allowed myself to just relax. Maybe this past year is to blame and it has taken this self-pity from me and turned it into utter apathy.

I wish I could say that I cared but I just can't. I'm taking my life one step at a time these days and one second at a time. It's a lot...slower. It's not as comforting as people say it is. I feel like I have nothing to do with myself and then the 'weightlessness' sets in.

However, I will say that I have been writing more often and I've been exercising, not to mention that I've cut back on smoking. I'm doing ok.

Anyway another thing that happens this time of year is that I think about who it didn't end up working out with. I can only hope that they spend their Valentine's Day with someone that they care about. Because I wouldn't want anyone to be alone - no matter who they were - unless that was the way they wanted it. This year, I am ok with being alone. Being alone isn't something to be ashamed of. I'm not embarrassed about it and if I were to go to a restaurant tomorrow and be by myself, I would sit proudly somewhere in a booth and be alone.

Valentine's Day means a chance for many people to show their significant others how they feel about each other. I elect that those of us without a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, make that significant other someone that is important to them in many ways. Someone in their life that they have been affected by and just don't always take the chance to say 'thanks' every once in a while.

Those people shouldn't be forgotten. What a perfect day and perfect way to celebrate any form of love in our lives. Love doesn't just come in one person or in one way. It doesn't come in one shape, size, color, or meaning. It just is there in our lives, moving us in ways that we sometimes can't see or haven't been able to realize yet.

So seize this day. Carpe Diem.

Take it into your life and make it your own in a world that has made it uniform and commonplace.

Love is something to celebrate. Always.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First



(picture from: http://www.bantjes.com/images/pic_saks-valentine.jpg)

The Dating Game

The dating game. What is it? Who is in it? What do you do when you are one of those in it?

I don't know the answer to these questions. But I would like to know. I think.

How do you let people know that you're in the dating game?

Well, to me it's not a game - I just use the term because it's what people do.

I ask these questions because I went on a date tonight. It was a blind date - and ok, I know those are usually bad news. You don't have to be in the dating 'game' to know that. But it wasn't actually that bad.

Well, it wouldn't have been except that he is in his 40's. I don't mention his exact number because a gay man, much like a lady, never reveals his age. And if he does, on a blind date, then the datee can't reveal that age on the internet.

He's nice and kind and attractive (for an older gentlemen.) He made me feel good about myself, which is unusual for a first date (at leas the one's I've experienced.) I gave him a hug goodbye and that was the end of it.

We didn't exchange numbers, we didn't make plans...that was just...it.

But it got me thinking. I'm 19 and I haven't dated a lot. I've been on two dates total in my entire life thus far. Each one was...well...unique. I thought with the second one that I had something, but it turned out to be a fluke. I've fallen for guys I've already known and been friends with, but never actually had a date.

What is that about anyway? How do you get dates?

First of all, I will be pretentious and say I refuse to go to a dance club and ask someone out on a date. That's just not me. I am ok with being approached but not approaching at a dance club. Most gay men at the dance club I frequent, are self-absorbed or too gun shy to do anything. And even if they aren't gun shy, they're horny and looking for a one-time thing. That's not what I want.

I want to date. You know the whole 'coffee-at 7-movies-at 10-dinner and or drinks afterwards' kind of thing. On more than one occasion...with the same person. That seems to be an impossible thing to get at my age, and geographical location. Why is that? Why aren't more guys wanting to date?

After my date I went home and got on my computer. I was looking for more than the date had to offer, and so I logged on to gay.com - after going into the chat room (that I've been in a million times) and seeing who was online (the same people who are always on) I gave up hope. I signed on to two other dating sites that I'm involved with.

Nothing. Nada. The big Goose Egg.

A friend of mine told me that craigslist is where it's at for L-town. Now, let me tell you that I loathe the words 'craigslist' when I see them - because it's a trashy site used for trashy things. But my dating thirst for knowledge had me on a quest.

I quickly found out that craigslist is not really for 'dating' but for sex in the L-town area.

So I find myself at a loss. Are all the like-minded men where I live, in hiding? And if so, where are they hiding?

I'm finding that the dating game, is a lot harder than it looks.

That's all.

-J-

Anatomy of Me

I've just spent a good chunk of hours watching season 2 of "Grey's Anatomy." It is the first time I have seen the show, and I am completely engrossed in it. I don't want to stop watching it. It's like a kind of addiction for me.

When it is over, and when I am done with this season I will be sad. Not because I know there aren't any more, but simply because I can no longer view it on my television until I either buy the next season, or find some way to get it without it hurting my very slim pocketbook.

Grey like's to start each episode off with a narration. It sets the tone for the episode. Perhaps it is a quote, or an observation. Perhaps it is an anecdote from her life. Whatever it is, these little narrations have somehow found their way into my heart. Each one has something to say to me. I can listen to Grey and in my mind I will say, "Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

Unfortunately for me - I have experienced some of the heartbreak that she is going through. I have not blogged extensively (the second time around) the emotions that I had during my painful letting go of Matt. Partially because I didn't wish to relive my experience with Dustin, and paritally because I have not yet gotten over him.

I think I have simply gotten 'past' him. Or had been. I was doing things with my life! Writing, exercising, going out with friends. All of that is well and fine but it doesn't cure a person of their love or their heartbreak. I thought I had been doing great actually. I was finally getting a restful night's sleep. I was taking up new hobbies.

But somehow, somewhere between this morning and the night before that - I broke. I had a dam, that I had built around my heart and possibly my mind, to keep the emotions from all the traumatic or stressful situations at bay...and I didn't even realize it. This morning when I woke up - I realized it. It was as if I was feeling the emotions from the past year and they were coalescing into this giant ball of pain.

I believe that for the first time in a long time, I was letting myself feel something beyond the daily run of emotions. I was actually *feeling* it.

They say that when you're in a war zone, you are living moment to moment, not thinking about what you're going through and what conditions you are surviving. When you return to the 'real world' and join the rest of the population again, it starts to hit you.

That's how I felt. Not only the trauma from living in hell for about three to four months, but also from the heart ache I was suffering.

I wouldn't let myself process these things because I had responsibilities. To other people's lives as well as my own. To make sure the rent was paid or the house was clean or that the dogs were fed and nourished and cared for - and then to make sure my homework was done and maybe to get a little sleep once in a while.

Then I woke up today. I opened my eyes and I said, "Ow."

And you know what? It sucks. I have never felt like this before, about anyone or anything. The pain that sticks out the most is the pain that came from Mark. I genuinely loved him. I seem to have that curse. Falling for guys that won't give me the time of day. Except this one did. He kissed me, told me he liked me - said he could fall for me. Made me believe we were a possibility.

When in reality I was just a substitute. He was in love with another guy and I didn't even know it. The substitutes are usually the last to know.

Anyway, my best friend (who recently got out of a relationship) also felt like this today. For some reason, today was the day that all the crap just fell from where it was sticking onto the fan. It had already hit, and we knew it had hit, but then when we thought it was over: it fell from the fan.

She popped in my mother's second season of Grey's Anatomy and said, "Let's watch this. You're going to love it."

We had nothing better to do, and besides that, we needed a distraction.

She was right. I did love it. I fell in love with the characters and I got invested in their stories. Part of that was because of Meredith and her struggle with McDreamy. She was happy with him and he just took that away from her. We as the viewers get to see how she deals with that - so naturally I can identify with some of the things she says.

Anyway, in the episode "The End of the World..." she says something that really strikes a chord with me. Because it was spot on how I felt and how I would say it.

She's talking to Christina about McDreamy and this feeling she has about her life in general and she says: "I can't even remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever, but you don't."

And this is where she spoke what I was feeling, exactly, today: "I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."

I do need something to happen. I need something to happen that tells me that I shouldn't give up on love. I need for some kind of event to happen that will bring me out of my funk. And I'm not talking about a death or a crisis. I need something good to happen. Or I will continue to feel the absence of hope.

Isn't it sad that human beings can do that to one another? Take away their hope and their faith in life itself?

It is even more sad when that act comes in the name of something like Love. It was the love of another guy that made Matt unavailable to me. Love did that. To me.

And because this other guy didn't love Mark back, then he in turn, was broken as well. He transformed into someone I don't recognize and quite frankly, don't even like.

I have to believe that there is still some good kind of love. I have to believe that the 'monogamous-once in a lifetime-grow old and wrinkly together' kind of love hasn't died with the previous generation. I want to believe that there are some relationships that exist out there where both parties have not physically and/or emotionally cheated on their significant other and have chosen to always remain faithful and in love with the other person.

Until that can happen for me; until my hope and faith in love and life can be restored...I will truck on. I won't lay down and die or wait to die. I will get up. I may bitch and moan about having to get up...but every morning I promise myself that I will get out of bed and do something.

And even if it's juvenile to say this out loud, well I don't care: I will have Grey to remind me that life goes on. To heal me with her words and her stories. Because even if she is fictional, she is still someone I can relate to. Her character's experiences can comfort me as I watch them play out on my television.

Her pixelated eyes will never look into mine and her rose colored lips will never smile at me, but she is one person who can't hurt me from where she is. She can't betray me, or step out of line. She can't lie to me or lead me on. And she will always be there when I need her.

Even after I put her away, when I'm ready to rejoin the rest of the world, and believe in people again.

That's all.

-J-

A Winter's Night

 It's snowing tonight. The first snow in L-town. I love it when it snows. Did I ever tell you that?

I like watching it in the street lights, as I drive to whatever destination that I must reach next.

How it hangs there, falling softly, seemingly suspended. It glints like tiny jewels or dots - it surrounds me as it falls to the ground.

Like tiny memories gently floating in the eternity that is time, making their way to obscurity when their owners and bearers are no longer around to lift them.

I am swathed in memories tonight. Memories of a not so simple time, just under a week ago, when I there were less pleasant feelings prevelant in my life. In case you have not been able to keep up on what's going on - I have moved from my previous living arrangments and out into my own apartment.

For the first time since coming to this town, I feel free. I feel light and as if I can succeed. It's been two years since I came here. Since the very beginning, I've lived with my sister. I didn't see back then, what I see in her now. Because I didn't know. I didn't...I couldn't have any clue as to what was brewing beneath the surface.

My sister is ill. She's been medically diagnosed with severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I personally beleive that compulsive untruth should be added to that list, but I'm not a medical expert. For two years, I've lived with her. I've watched her progressively get worse.

The wear and tear of four years full throttle work and school with no relief had finally put her illness to the forefront. She could no longer hide it, not as she had from her family, for so long. As I wrote in an earlier post: she had gone into the hospital in...April, I believe, but don't quote me on that.

For six months now, she has not fulfilled much obligation to anyone. She's not really tried at anything. It's like this shell of a person that I used to know. If possible, the hospital made her worse than before. Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps I'm only seeing the shell, and not what lurks inside of it. Perhaps there is the real C that I've never known before, inside and waiting to be coaxed out.

No matter. I won't delve into her personal life on the internet. It wouldn't be right of me.

But I will talk about the parts that have so affected my life that even now, they are still with me.

For the past three months, I've been living with one of my better friends and my sister, whom happen to be dating. They bought dogs for some insane reason, and they both do NOT take care of them. It got to the point where they were letting the dogs do their business inside the apartment. It constantly smelled. It constantly felt uncomfortable. And the responsibility often was pushed off onto me to provide the care and love that those two simply wouldn't.

I told them when they bought the dogs that I would take no responsibility what-so-ever for anything that had to do with the dogs. They both agreed to that and then got the puppies. From there, they didn't train the dogs, they didn't have kennels, the dogs didn't have a regular feeding schedule, and often I would be left to babysit the dogs when they were doing other things.

Despite what I told them, I ended up picking up poop, cleaning up pee stains, feeding them and spending time with them. In short, it was as if I was a third owner instead of what the situation should have been treated like: a roommate.

For the past three months, since I started school after moving to that three bedroom apartment, I was always stressed out, exhausted and worried about something. This, of course, affected my school work. This was a crucial semester too because I was on academic probation. I'm still waiting to see whether or not my work to at least keep up in my classes has paid off at all. We'll know come spring.

Finally, one night, I had had enough. I told them I wanted to leave. And a couple of days later, after apartment searching and comparing, I found a place and signed the lease. I moved in December 1st. I could not be happier. I have a quiet, clean space in which I can focus solely on myself and what goals I need to accomplish.

The biggest grin kept appearing on my face after move-in day. I was cleaning and singing, and hanging pictures. I could hang pictures!! Through the entire two years that I lived with my sister, she always decided what pictures went up and where they went. She decided how to arrange the furniture. She made every little decision.

It is sad to me that she has such mixed priorities, so much so that her own brother couldn't even really share living quarters with her and feel comfortable and at home in that space. I believe she has many bitter feelings towards me - for what reasons I can guess at, but can never really be sure. One thing this family is good at is bottling things up inside and storing them away, building up.

Anyway, tonight she contacted me, asking me if I could do her a favor and get her some dog food. I was instantly miffed. Here I was, living on my own and still I felt like I couldn't escape her shadow. These dogs are still NOT my responsibility and she STILL treats the situation like they are. I want nothing to do with her household, and soon I will make that abundantly clear to her. I won't do any favors, I won't be coming over to clean or cook or hang pictures. That is her house. This is mine.

Now before you go on and say that I'm being a bit harsh - this is not the first favor she has asked for since I moved out. And it's only been a week!! The thing is...I know for a fact that if the situation were reversed and I needed things from her like that, she would not do it. Period.

I don't do favors for family because I expect something in return. No, I do it because I love them and because I care about them. But my sister knows my caring personality and she takes advantage of that. A lot. I can't count on 30 hands how many favors I've done for her since coming to L-town. I don't keep track and I don't write them down as grievances. But you know, a little reciprication would be great. A little appreciation would be wonderful.

And the sad thing is, that I know I probably won't get that. Not anytime soon and it's very possible that  I will never get it.

There are feelings that I'm starting to have that surprised me when I first started having them. Anger, resentment, bitterness. She put me through miserable circumstances for at least a year, if not more, and here she is still acting as if it's ok for her to do that. My feelings seep into my skin, flowing into my veins and pumping through me like blood.

I don't know if I can see her for a while. I just need some time to digest everything that happened. I need some time to move on from that and start new, and most importantly, to gain clarity on what it is that I want to get out of the next four years here. I can't waste any more time. I simply can't.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I also know that I have a lot of joy ahead of me.

I'm trying to mend my relationship with my father, I'm working on things that I love such as writing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. Not to mention there's a cutie down at my new apartment's leasing office, that I have my eye on. Nothing has happened yet, but I think there's something about this one. We'll call him 2010 potential boy.

For now, I'll sip my coffee and I'll open my blinds to watch the snow fall. Tonight, I will go to sleep, warm in my bed and knowing that I'm full of love and life.

That's all.

-J-



(Picture from: http://www.jesslaccetti.co.uk/uploaded_images/snownite-734683.jpg)

Remiss

Image is a screen capture from afterelton.com


This is going to be a rather short entry, though a longer one will most likely be on the way later this month. But I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I'm putting a link on my page for this website because it's an amazing cultural resource for gay men.

It's smart, politically aware, journalistically sound, and above all fun. Of course there's the indulgent segments and features on the website (but what harm is that?) but it also brings a fresh take on gay events happening now.

This website has a sister site: http://www.afterellen.com, which caters to a lesbian identifying audience.

I encourage you to check these sites out if you ever have a spare moment!

Also, I'm thinking of starting up a similar website with gay collaborative writers, just for fun. I'll let you know more if the idea progresses.

Much love.

-J-

Kismet

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

I do. Sometimes we lose light of the things we believe in. Something happens to make us forget the lessons we have already learned. Sometimes, selfishly we want to forget so that we can do things or say things that we already know we shouldn't, and then blame other people or life in general for it.

I've believed for a long time that everything happens for a reason. But somewhere along the way I have forgotten that - I got caught up in the things that were happening to me and instead of sitting back and asking myself what I could be learning from the experience, I complained about it.

I am sure this is an experience that will unfortunately repeat itself in my lifetime. I am only human, and our memories are like sieves. For now though I have thankfully grasped this concept once more.

You must be wondering why in the world there is a picture of Zac Efron on my blog for this entry. I will get to that in a moment.

As I have promised myself and wrote about here, I have been working on myself. My emotional and physical well-being, my life in general. It feels good. I am smiling more often than I have in the past few months. I'm not as angry as much anymore. There is still anger, don't get me wrong, but it's outshone by the things I am discovering which make me happy.

I watched '17 Again' tonight. Of which Zac Efron is the star. (And ok, I have a little boy crush on him, lol.) The movie really spoke to me, believe it or not. I would hope that it spoke to a lot of people because to me the message was a strong one. One for both the young and the old.

A burnt out older man Mike O'Donnell, portrayed by Matthew Perry, has two children and just lost his job and is getting a divorce from his long-time wife whom got pregnant with their first child whilst the pair was still in high school. During a big basketball game of which Mike was the star player, where college scouts would make or break his future, he left in the middle of it to assure his then-girlfriend that his future was with her and their child.

Fast forward to the present, when he complains about not going to college and all of this potential he had was wasted. A 'spirit guide' character is introduced to us and after Mike and the character meet, the next morning he wakes up to find himself 17 once more. He uses his time as a 'pubescent' teen to get closer to his children and reconnect with his family. He is of course still a big shot basketball player and so near the end of the movie he is once again faced with the choice of having a future in basketball, star-studded and bright, or to choose his wife - which he has spent the majority of the film remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place - and ultimately he chooses her.

Predicatable as the film may be, it's message that time can not be erased and redone, that the choices we make shape who we become: are universal to us all.

I was reading this book 'If I Am Missing or Dead' by Janine Latus, in which the main character says that in college when she was starving and barely making it, she had the picture of an animated grey tombstone on which she wrote in marker: "I was gonna..." - because these were the words her grandmother spoke on her death bed and she vowed to herself that she would never say those words.

These messages are so...powerful. They recently have become central to my life. I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say "Wow. What was I thinking? Why did I do that?"

Now ultimately I know that an experience like that is unavoidable. I will look back on some things in my life and be flabbergasted by choices I made or things I did. But I don't want that to define my past, when I look back on it.

I don't want to look back on this period in my life and realize that I wasted it. That I spent it being sad and consumed by this one guy, or that I missed a great opportunity that I am receiving by not going to my classes and getting the education that I am being supported to receive. I don't want to look back and wish I had been in better shape or that I had learned to do more.

So, I'm going to focus now on making sure that doesn't happen. This is important to me, especially at this time when I actually have the power to do something about it. I know I've already been working on the areas of my life I wasn't happy with, but I'm saying that realizing this has motivated me even more.

One thing I will say about '17 Again,' besides the message of hope for the future that it brought to me, it also...made me sad and hopeful at the same time about the subject of love.

This guy, Mike, in the movie was so in love with his wife that his entire focus was getting her to realize that they still belonged together even when he had the chance to do it over again and choose a bright career. He was willing to do anything for her. He remembered everything about her and his character's love for his wife was just...heart wrenchingly beautiful.

There was a line in there, when Mike was 17 and talking to his wife and asking her why she was divorcing 'her husband' when she loved and cared about him.

She says, "Well I guess sometimes those things are not enough."

I understand what she means. I have loved and cared about two boys so far in my life, and each of them has still found a way out of my life. Sometimes that isn't enough.

Sometimes I wonder how much farther my love can extend. It amazes me that there is more to the feeling of love that I have not yet experienced. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Derrick. I was proved wrong. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Mark. I know that to be wrong as well.

The thought terrifies me and elates me. I have to ask myself: Am I ready for love?

As the hour strikes five hours past midnight, this question hangs in my mind. With it, I leave you for now.

Goodnight.

That's all.

-J.H.-


(Picture from: http://www.thefilmchair.com/images/tfc/zac-efron.jpg )

Truth

Today has been a...good day so far. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have had a lot on my mind. I awoke early this morning, made myself some coffee and then some eggs, smoked a few cigarettes and I am now writing this post.

I've been thinking about my life recently. A lot about it actually, seeing as I've been trying to work on myself in all aspects. Trying to figure out more of who I am.

There are a number of changes that I have made, am making and am planning on making. I am working out more, I am going to write more, going to all of my classes and doing all of my homework. I am being more responsible at my job and with money.

And all of that is fine and then I look at the love life. I've slowly begun to love being single, when I stop and look at all the things I have, when I think about all of the things I want for myself and I'm just like - why do I spend this time that I have thinking about -if- I had a boyfriend or if I could only just meet somebody. The truth is that I have a lot on my plate. A boyfriend would be great, but I don't -need- one and I would have even more on my plate if I did have one.

Maybe there's a reason why these things in my life have happened to me the way that they did.
There's a quote from the Wedding Date that every [woman] has the exact love life that she wants. So maybe all of this time I've fooled myself into thinking that all I really want is a boyfriend, when in fact that wasn't the issue at all. Maybe I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and that I was going to be alone forever if I didn't get a boyfriend soon.

I realize that I want time now. Time to be comfortable with myself, to know my flaws and look at myself in the mirror and be okay with all of the decisions I've made. I want time to stop and really reflect, like I haven't in the past.

There is something that brought this post on, I will confess. I was in the bath last night, listening to Michael Buble's wonderful voice echo through the room, and singing a love song - thinking about Mark. So many of the songs I hear remind me of Mark, so many of the lyrics somehow magically fitting how I feel about him.

I listen to the lyrics about love, like I already have him as my love. As if he is mine. He is not mine, and even though it is a possibility that in the future he could be - I can't think like that. I have to remember to live now. What's true about now is that Mark isn't interested for some reason or another - I live to far away, I've done something in our past to make him weary - for some reason now is not the time.

I asked a couple of people what they thought about my feelings for him. Two of them said some words and in them was 'he will never love you'. It was out of context, as in 'He will never love you if you don't love yourself' or 'He will never love you as long as you both have your issues to work out' but they said it. They said, "He will never love you."

The weight of those words crush me. But instead of feeling miserable about it, as I usually would, instead of feeling self-pity I just came to a miraculous sort of break through. He doesn't love me, and we aren't together, and we are not a part of each other's lives. As much as it hurts to say these things I know the truth in them.

That's what is so good about the truth is that everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. So I've got stop lying to myself and I've got to think about right now. There is plenty to do in the now, there are plenty of other things for me to worry about. I can't afford to continue worrying about this.

I told Mark before that I loved him. I have a bone to pick with that word. People throw it around and sometimes say it before they actually feel it. Now that wasn't the case with me - I did feel it - but it got me thinking.

For instance the word 'lol' in my group of friends is sometimes overused in texts and emails and facebook messages. My friends have gotten so used to saying 'lol' as a place holder or an end to a sentence that it is almost second nature to say this phrase. Are they really laughing out loud as their text-speech implies? Is it something they are really feeling, and actually do? Most of the time: no.

The same can be said of the word 'love' for at least my group of friends (and as I know it, a pretty good part of the teenage population these days.) They use 'I love you' to tell their friends that they care for them, that all is good between them. But the word is supposed to be sacred. We've gotten so used to saying it that it is second nature not to think about saying it when you get off the phone with your friends, or when you're ending an instant messaging conversation.

This word is abused, has lost it's power - for an emotion and a meaning that is too powerful. There are only a handful of people that I truly can say I love and would do anything for. I'm not going to list them. But I can count them easily enough.

So though I feel that I love Mark, I won't say it - nor to anyone else that I had been saying it to. If the time comes where Mark and I are in a position to be friends, and then that friendship grows, and even if we get into a relationship I will wait and wait and wait until I am absolutely sure that love is the adjective, is the powerful emotion that I feel for him.

For now...well there's someone I haven't loved enough, and I'm trying to rectify that.

I am on a journey, of growth that started near the beginning of this year. I am not sure how far I am or how much further I'll need to go. But I'll go forward and I will remember that love isn't only external, but it also must come from within as well.

I hope this entry finds you happy and healthy, and well. Loved.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/truth/SpurfheadJones/seek_truth.jpg )