Kismet

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

I do. Sometimes we lose light of the things we believe in. Something happens to make us forget the lessons we have already learned. Sometimes, selfishly we want to forget so that we can do things or say things that we already know we shouldn't, and then blame other people or life in general for it.

I've believed for a long time that everything happens for a reason. But somewhere along the way I have forgotten that - I got caught up in the things that were happening to me and instead of sitting back and asking myself what I could be learning from the experience, I complained about it.

I am sure this is an experience that will unfortunately repeat itself in my lifetime. I am only human, and our memories are like sieves. For now though I have thankfully grasped this concept once more.

You must be wondering why in the world there is a picture of Zac Efron on my blog for this entry. I will get to that in a moment.

As I have promised myself and wrote about here, I have been working on myself. My emotional and physical well-being, my life in general. It feels good. I am smiling more often than I have in the past few months. I'm not as angry as much anymore. There is still anger, don't get me wrong, but it's outshone by the things I am discovering which make me happy.

I watched '17 Again' tonight. Of which Zac Efron is the star. (And ok, I have a little boy crush on him, lol.) The movie really spoke to me, believe it or not. I would hope that it spoke to a lot of people because to me the message was a strong one. One for both the young and the old.

A burnt out older man Mike O'Donnell, portrayed by Matthew Perry, has two children and just lost his job and is getting a divorce from his long-time wife whom got pregnant with their first child whilst the pair was still in high school. During a big basketball game of which Mike was the star player, where college scouts would make or break his future, he left in the middle of it to assure his then-girlfriend that his future was with her and their child.

Fast forward to the present, when he complains about not going to college and all of this potential he had was wasted. A 'spirit guide' character is introduced to us and after Mike and the character meet, the next morning he wakes up to find himself 17 once more. He uses his time as a 'pubescent' teen to get closer to his children and reconnect with his family. He is of course still a big shot basketball player and so near the end of the movie he is once again faced with the choice of having a future in basketball, star-studded and bright, or to choose his wife - which he has spent the majority of the film remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place - and ultimately he chooses her.

Predicatable as the film may be, it's message that time can not be erased and redone, that the choices we make shape who we become: are universal to us all.

I was reading this book 'If I Am Missing or Dead' by Janine Latus, in which the main character says that in college when she was starving and barely making it, she had the picture of an animated grey tombstone on which she wrote in marker: "I was gonna..." - because these were the words her grandmother spoke on her death bed and she vowed to herself that she would never say those words.

These messages are so...powerful. They recently have become central to my life. I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say "Wow. What was I thinking? Why did I do that?"

Now ultimately I know that an experience like that is unavoidable. I will look back on some things in my life and be flabbergasted by choices I made or things I did. But I don't want that to define my past, when I look back on it.

I don't want to look back on this period in my life and realize that I wasted it. That I spent it being sad and consumed by this one guy, or that I missed a great opportunity that I am receiving by not going to my classes and getting the education that I am being supported to receive. I don't want to look back and wish I had been in better shape or that I had learned to do more.

So, I'm going to focus now on making sure that doesn't happen. This is important to me, especially at this time when I actually have the power to do something about it. I know I've already been working on the areas of my life I wasn't happy with, but I'm saying that realizing this has motivated me even more.

One thing I will say about '17 Again,' besides the message of hope for the future that it brought to me, it also...made me sad and hopeful at the same time about the subject of love.

This guy, Mike, in the movie was so in love with his wife that his entire focus was getting her to realize that they still belonged together even when he had the chance to do it over again and choose a bright career. He was willing to do anything for her. He remembered everything about her and his character's love for his wife was just...heart wrenchingly beautiful.

There was a line in there, when Mike was 17 and talking to his wife and asking her why she was divorcing 'her husband' when she loved and cared about him.

She says, "Well I guess sometimes those things are not enough."

I understand what she means. I have loved and cared about two boys so far in my life, and each of them has still found a way out of my life. Sometimes that isn't enough.

Sometimes I wonder how much farther my love can extend. It amazes me that there is more to the feeling of love that I have not yet experienced. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Derrick. I was proved wrong. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Mark. I know that to be wrong as well.

The thought terrifies me and elates me. I have to ask myself: Am I ready for love?

As the hour strikes five hours past midnight, this question hangs in my mind. With it, I leave you for now.

Goodnight.

That's all.

-J.H.-


(Picture from: http://www.thefilmchair.com/images/tfc/zac-efron.jpg )