It's snowing tonight. The first snow in L-town. I love it when it snows. Did I ever tell you that?
I like watching it in the street lights, as I drive to whatever destination that I must reach next.
How it hangs there, falling softly, seemingly suspended. It glints like tiny jewels or dots - it surrounds me as it falls to the ground.
Like tiny memories gently floating in the eternity that is time, making their way to obscurity when their owners and bearers are no longer around to lift them.
I am swathed in memories tonight. Memories of a not so simple time, just under a week ago, when I there were less pleasant feelings prevelant in my life. In case you have not been able to keep up on what's going on - I have moved from my previous living arrangments and out into my own apartment.
For the first time since coming to this town, I feel free. I feel light and as if I can succeed. It's been two years since I came here. Since the very beginning, I've lived with my sister. I didn't see back then, what I see in her now. Because I didn't know. I didn't...I couldn't have any clue as to what was brewing beneath the surface.
My sister is ill. She's been medically diagnosed with severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I personally beleive that compulsive untruth should be added to that list, but I'm not a medical expert. For two years, I've lived with her. I've watched her progressively get worse.
The wear and tear of four years full throttle work and school with no relief had finally put her illness to the forefront. She could no longer hide it, not as she had from her family, for so long. As I wrote in an earlier post: she had gone into the hospital in...April, I believe, but don't quote me on that.
For six months now, she has not fulfilled much obligation to anyone. She's not really tried at anything. It's like this shell of a person that I used to know. If possible, the hospital made her worse than before. Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps I'm only seeing the shell, and not what lurks inside of it. Perhaps there is the real C that I've never known before, inside and waiting to be coaxed out.
No matter. I won't delve into her personal life on the internet. It wouldn't be right of me.
But I will talk about the parts that have so affected my life that even now, they are still with me.
For the past three months, I've been living with one of my better friends and my sister, whom happen to be dating. They bought dogs for some insane reason, and they both do NOT take care of them. It got to the point where they were letting the dogs do their business inside the apartment. It constantly smelled. It constantly felt uncomfortable. And the responsibility often was pushed off onto me to provide the care and love that those two simply wouldn't.
I told them when they bought the dogs that I would take no responsibility what-so-ever for anything that had to do with the dogs. They both agreed to that and then got the puppies. From there, they didn't train the dogs, they didn't have kennels, the dogs didn't have a regular feeding schedule, and often I would be left to babysit the dogs when they were doing other things.
Despite what I told them, I ended up picking up poop, cleaning up pee stains, feeding them and spending time with them. In short, it was as if I was a third owner instead of what the situation should have been treated like: a roommate.
For the past three months, since I started school after moving to that three bedroom apartment, I was always stressed out, exhausted and worried about something. This, of course, affected my school work. This was a crucial semester too because I was on academic probation. I'm still waiting to see whether or not my work to at least keep up in my classes has paid off at all. We'll know come spring.
Finally, one night, I had had enough. I told them I wanted to leave. And a couple of days later, after apartment searching and comparing, I found a place and signed the lease. I moved in December 1st. I could not be happier. I have a quiet, clean space in which I can focus solely on myself and what goals I need to accomplish.
The biggest grin kept appearing on my face after move-in day. I was cleaning and singing, and hanging pictures. I could hang pictures!! Through the entire two years that I lived with my sister, she always decided what pictures went up and where they went. She decided how to arrange the furniture. She made every little decision.
It is sad to me that she has such mixed priorities, so much so that her own brother couldn't even really share living quarters with her and feel comfortable and at home in that space. I believe she has many bitter feelings towards me - for what reasons I can guess at, but can never really be sure. One thing this family is good at is bottling things up inside and storing them away, building up.
Anyway, tonight she contacted me, asking me if I could do her a favor and get her some dog food. I was instantly miffed. Here I was, living on my own and still I felt like I couldn't escape her shadow. These dogs are still NOT my responsibility and she STILL treats the situation like they are. I want nothing to do with her household, and soon I will make that abundantly clear to her. I won't do any favors, I won't be coming over to clean or cook or hang pictures. That is her house. This is mine.
Now before you go on and say that I'm being a bit harsh - this is not the first favor she has asked for since I moved out. And it's only been a week!! The thing is...I know for a fact that if the situation were reversed and I needed things from her like that, she would not do it. Period.
I don't do favors for family because I expect something in return. No, I do it because I love them and because I care about them. But my sister knows my caring personality and she takes advantage of that. A lot. I can't count on 30 hands how many favors I've done for her since coming to L-town. I don't keep track and I don't write them down as grievances. But you know, a little reciprication would be great. A little appreciation would be wonderful.
And the sad thing is, that I know I probably won't get that. Not anytime soon and it's very possible that I will never get it.
There are feelings that I'm starting to have that surprised me when I first started having them. Anger, resentment, bitterness. She put me through miserable circumstances for at least a year, if not more, and here she is still acting as if it's ok for her to do that. My feelings seep into my skin, flowing into my veins and pumping through me like blood.
I don't know if I can see her for a while. I just need some time to digest everything that happened. I need some time to move on from that and start new, and most importantly, to gain clarity on what it is that I want to get out of the next four years here. I can't waste any more time. I simply can't.
I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I also know that I have a lot of joy ahead of me.
I'm trying to mend my relationship with my father, I'm working on things that I love such as writing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. Not to mention there's a cutie down at my new apartment's leasing office, that I have my eye on. Nothing has happened yet, but I think there's something about this one. We'll call him 2010 potential boy.
For now, I'll sip my coffee and I'll open my blinds to watch the snow fall. Tonight, I will go to sleep, warm in my bed and knowing that I'm full of love and life.
That's all.
-J-
(Picture from: http://www.jesslaccetti.co.uk/uploaded_images/snownite-734683.jpg)
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