Good morning, all. Coming to you from the sunshine of L-town, I'm drinking my second cup of coffee.Last night was...interesting. My
We decided to go to Applebee's and Jimmy Johns for sandwiches and dessert. The whole time Mark (that's not his name, but rather the name I will use to refer to him.) was on his phone texting. Now if you know me, you realize that this is one of my biggest pet peeves - people on their phones when they are supposed to be hanging out with me. He's been talking to this guy a lot that he really has a crush on and although I do not know that's who he was communicating with, my leap of intuition is not a giant leap of my imagination.
It was just so different from other times the two have been down here to visit. It wasn't as fun. Mark and our mutual friend have gotten into some 'things' that I don't quite approve of but have let slide. At one point, they were all out on the patio smoking and I was inside alone with Mark and he said not one word to me. I went into my room to see if he would come talk to me, but to no avail.
About thirty minutes later, when Erica (my best friend- also not her real name.) went to bed, and then Mark and our mutual friend came into the room and said they were leaving because we were already going to bed at 11:30.
I told them that I wasn't sleeping but they didn't believe me and decided to leave anyway. It occured to me, later on, that Mark hadn't said five words total to me in the four hours they were there. I can't tell you how hurt that makes me feel - I had been falling for this guy for a while now and here he was practically ignoring me.
They're supposed to come back on Wednesday but I don't know if I even want them up here. It's a rude thing to do - just walk out on the people who are putting you up for the night, and go home. It just chaps my ass to think about, really. And until they apologize, I don't really want to see them.
I'm done being disrespected and I have said this before. I'm not that guy anymore. You can't walk all over me and then expect to be best friends. It's just not going to happen. I used to think about the fact that Mark's going to be here after he graduates, in a year. I used to think of all the possibilities that entailed for us. But the thing is - he's not the same person I fell for. Even these past few months he's changed. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's just that I don't really know this new Mark. He doesn't let me get to know him.
The fact that this person was not the guy I fell in love with, was a hard fact to swallow and it was driven home by their trip here. Maybe this was supposed to happen, so I would be allowed to get over him. All this holding on that I've been doing with him has gotten me nowhere. I don't want to be nowhere. So I'm not going to be.
I'm going to work on myself, as I have said I'm going to, and someday some man will see that I'm worth it - and all the idiots out there who let me go will see just what they lost. It's like that bumper sticker says, 'Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.'
It's not always easy for me to be optimistic, like I used to be able to feel so freely, but I figure that sadness for me at this point is more of a choice than a feeling. I'm choosing not to be sad anymore. I'm choosing that. Do you understand how powerful of a statement that is for me?
Today, I may not have a job and I may not be doing everything I'd hoped to be doing, but I have myself. I have the knowledge that I'm going to be ok. I'm going to sip my coffee and my day is going to be amazing, whatever I end up doing.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
(Picture from: http://www.thetechherald.com/media/images/200928/Coffee_cred_Ahmed_Rabea_flickr_1.jpg)
*Note: The disclaimer in the sidebar to your immediate right, states this - but I am repeating it as a reminder: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. Please read the disclaimer in the welcoming 'rainbow-colored' statement. Thank you!
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