"Why do I give my heart away to trash?" Emmett Honeycutt wonders aloud on my television screen.
I know what Emmett means when he says this, because I too give my heart to the unworthy. Except that's just it isn't it? We don't believe we're worthy of someone's love that will treat us right and do good by us.
I came to this conclusion tonight because I was thinking about Derrick. Yes, I still slip and do that sometimes. He's online right now, and I forgot that he and I are friends on msn messenger. I have my status set to "Appear Offline" automatically so he has no idea that I am on the internet. And besides feeling like a creeper, I feel like something far worse: unworthy.
I miss him, and I miss his friendship. But I only remember the good. I'm trying so hard right now to think about the reasons why I gave up our friendship. I know why. I've hashed and rehashed the issues right here in this very blog.
I went to KU's Freshman Orientation these past two days. Along with me came two of my very close friends. I had an ok time, but it was a lot of work on my part. Getting up early and filling out a lot of paperwork. I suppose I should start getting used to it.
But on the way home I was thinking about all that I was going to be leaving behind when I moved up to the University. I'm leaving behind some good friends, some good memories. I'm leaving behind...familiarity. I'm leaving behind...my old self. Can I make a confession? I'm scared.
Sure everyone's a little scared moving somewhere completely new...but on top of that fear is a sense of misdirection. I'm lost. I don't know where I am in my life. It's like I'm stuck in between my old life and my new one.
So sometimes I want to combine the two. How does this all connect, you ask? I was thinking about the going away party I am going to be hosting, and the guest list. Should I invite Derrick? It's a question that has been bothering me these past few days.
I don't have such romantic feelings for him anymore, per se. But what if he wants to bring Alex? I'm not ready for that. What if it's awkward? What if he shows up, takes one look around and then leaves?
I know what Mama S would say. She would say, "It doesn't matter honey, he's not worth it." or "You'll meet plenty of great guys in college, trust me."
But I can't help noticing my own behavior at Orientation. I was social at times, but others I was downright guarded. I think I make myself appear closed off and nonchalant because I don't want people to talk to me. I'm always thinking about what others are thinking about me. 'Oh he's too fat' or 'he's too much of a dork'.
I hate it. The feeling makes me want to crawl into bed and never come back out again. Something that's shocking me more to realize tonight, is this: It's not them whose thoughts I should be worried about. It's my own.
Those aren't their voices. They're mine. I'M the one who doesn't think I'm good enough.
Part of me wishes it wasn't that way, but I know that no one else can change that but me. And until then, I won't truly be content. Until I love myself, I can't know the love of others. Getting that love, is unfortunately, harder than writing it all out on a keyboard.
It's a sad day today. This day that I'm realizing I don't really love me. It was a sad day when I realized he didn't love me. I don't want to give my heart away to trash anymore, and I don't want to see it in the garbage ever again. The difference is, I can do something about one of the two people who don't love me.
The scary part is, if I could choose either one to love me, I don't know which one I would choose.
That's all.
-J.H.-
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