Hey everyone, from the great state of Colorado. I'm here on a business trip with my mother, keeping her company. It's been fun so far. We drove the 8 hours it took us to get here, and then we checked in at the holidome. Usually the Holiday Inn is pretty well kept, especially the holidome, but this one SUCKED. It was old and rickety, the door didn't close or open very well. You could hear practically everything through the paper thin walls, and to top it all off the pool was closed. We did try to soak up the heat in the hot tub, but the temperature was so high I thought they were cooking us for dinner.
So we left and came to a different Holiday Inn. The pool isn't as big, but it's more clean and the hot tub doesn't try to fry your skin off. It's also a lot more modern looking. So I'm pretty happy about that.
Our dinner affairs have been pretty good, to me. The first night we were here we chose to eat at a local restaurant called "The Keg". It sounded like the inside would look much like the steakhouses at home: peanut shells on the floor, country music blaring, and cute rough and country cowboys serving you your steak with a wink. Nope, no such luck. Inside was a gorgeous uptown looking interior, belonging to some of the nicer eating establishments back home such as Kwan Court. They served us bread as an appetizer and the manager came over to welcome us and give us a free dish of shrimp with some sort of sauce, which I didn't touch because I like my shrimp breaded. Mom said it tasted like Shrimp sushi. We've also been to Outback, and Village Inn. I think we're going to a sushi place tonight, then to catch an early movie.
So yesterday was eventful...I got to stay at the hotel while my mother went to work. She said she would pop in and pop back out, just showing her face, except it wasn't like that. She was gone for about 5 hours. I mostly read and used the internet.
I don't think I mentioned but I'm going to be visiting family up in Oregon in the next week or two. That wouldn't be a problem ordinarily, except I forgot that I made plans with Derrick on the 19th.
Now let me explain. I'm leaving for college in the fall right? So I figured, one last chance to see him before I move on. But none of my friends really like him, so I decided we should have our own separate goodbye. So I invited him out on the 19th. Fast forward to yesterday. I texted him, after contemplating sending him a message on facebook. I felt it more appropriate to just text him, so I did, telling him I couldn't make it on the 19th and we'd have to reschedule. I also mentioned this cute guy that wasn't Alex that was sitting with him in his profile picture.
I asked questions naturally, because hey, Derrick might as well be SOME use to me right? So after he answers a few questions, I ask him if he could introduce me to the guy if he didn't have a boyfriend...and in reply Derrick says: "Actually he's kinda my boyfriend."
My jaw dropped, my chest ached and my throat tightened. What the fuck. I confronted him about Alex and he said that they were in an open-relationship and that it would take a long time for Alex to earn his whole heart back.
I was floored. Like I had been slapped. So they're seeing other people? All this time I was ok, because at least it was only Alex. At least I knew what I was up against, but this? This was new territory. I was angry and I wanted to call him and bitch him out.
I wanted to scream at him: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?"
I wanted to call and tell him I wasn't going to be his friend...and then that's when I realized something. I already wasn't his friend. I was just this person who used to be his friend, but was now in love with him. Desperately, deeply, and undeniably in love with him.
With that realization came a new conclusion. This wasn't the Derrick I knew. The Derrick I knew was loyal, believed in monogamy, was against smoking cigarettes and liked to spend most of his time at home playing video games and writing for his gaming blog. This new person, this social butterfly that juggles two guys at the same time and gets drunk on the weekends. This other Derrick I knew nothing about.
I came to know then that the Derrick I knew was gone. Alex saw to that. And chances are, he wasn't coming back.
Later that night I was eating dinner, across from my mother and we were talking. As we were my mind drifted to the course my life had taken since that fateful Valentines day. He shut the door on me that day, and no window opened in it's place. What's worse is, that metaphorically? It's a glass door, so I can see what is going on in his life but I can't break through. We're separated by sheets of lock and glass. He's made sure of that. To once have the key to that door and now be on the outside looking in? It hurts...so bad that you can't imagine the pain. To used to be a major part of each other's lives and then be shut out.
I am better than I was 6 months ago. I no longer need him in my life, because I've gone through the process needed to make my life about me again. But not needing him, and not wanting him are two separate things. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I've crossed over to the dark side with him already. I've already fallen for him, and so friendship to me would only be like torturing myself. Putting a cookie in front of my face when I'm on a diet. That's what it would be like.
So finally, and without any notice for him. I just simply turned my back on that glass door. It's still in my peripherals, sure. But not in my full line of sight. He will be in the back of my mind for god knows how long, but I've taken this final step towards ending the journey. Towards ending my torture. And I've taken it for no one else.
Finally, I've done something right, for me.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
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