The Only Thing That Stays the Same is Change

The quote on the picture says: "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."

I woke up early this morning - I have a sore throat and I think I'm just getting over a cold which is not fun. Anyway I took a shower and I got some coffee and I sat down to write.

I notice that a lot of times I'm on here bitching about one thing or another. I don't want you all to think that's all I do - is complain. I come on here to vent my feelings and to put it down somewhere so that sometime later I can come back and visit how it was for me in a certain period in my life. I write it down to get it out there and see if anyone will understand. Maybe some people go through the same things.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. A few days ago was the first time in a very long time that I went through my entire blog. It was like reading some of the same things over and over again. On some posts I bring up very valid points but on others I feel like I kept talking about something I had already said or written down.

So I want to take this opportunity at the beginning of this post to tell you all that in my recent life (as in: the past two months) I've felt completely content with where I am at. I'm taking much better care of myself and I've gone through a change in beliefs that I can only call an awakening. A revolution of the mind and soul. I'm more deeply curious about life and what it means to be here than ever before. I'm considering things in my daily life that I have always taken for granted. The small miracles. Things that we never consciously think about unless any of those small miracles are taken away from us.

I won't go off on a tangent. But there were a few things that brought me to this post. Erica's relationship has been doing well from what I can see of it and from what I know of it. That and the fact that she works crazy long hours makes it difficult for us to see each other. This is after having come from a period in our lives where we were able to spend every unscheduled and waking moment together. A period where she lived with me and also where even when she didn't live with me she could come see me when she wanted.

Her fiance Stacy has either some trust issues or codependency issues as I'm led to believe. She has gotten upset whenever Erica asks if she can come spend time with me. The other day when I asked if we could hang out, Erica sent me a text that said, "Hey would it be okay if I went over to j's for a little bit?" And I texted her back saying, "I think you meant to send this to Stacy..."

Which sort of clued me in to how their relationship works. You shouldn't have to ask permission to go see one of your friends. From what I know of mature and healthy relationships, this is how that should have gone: "Hey babe, I'm going over to j's for a little bit but I'll make it back in time for dinner with your mom." Which is where she was headed after my house. The tone of the text message was just like...dripping with submission. Like she was scared to act on her feelings of wanting to see me.

This kind of attitude has lead to a decline in our friendship. I never get to see her on her own anymore and when I did yesterday - it felt emotionless and as if she didn't really want to be there. We don't talk about anything anymore. We just...watch movies or sleep when she is over here. I hate that. I feel like a stranger with one of my best friends. So I've decided to let her go. I don't want to get in the way of something she thinks she wants. She is prepared to marry this woman and she even started talking about children.

Personally I don't think she is ready yet. I think she's still got a lot of living and a lot of learning to do. In fact I don't think either of those things should ever stop happening in people's lives. But in terms of emotional maturity and age - I don't think she is ready for something so deeply profound and complex as marriage. Maybe I'm wrong and should mind my own business...but my instincts tell me otherwise. She has chosen her relationship over me before and she nearly lost me. She spent a hell of a long time making it up to me but we've been friends for four years. How do you just let that friendship go? I never thought I would. But it is exactly what I feel I must do now - and I think it will change me.

People can really suck sometimes and I am grasping that it isn't always rainbows and butterflies (not that I ever thought it really was) but I figured that the good people in your life could drown out the rain and puddles in between. Instead I find myself more cynical and a little more hard of heart.

I'm happy as an individual. I'm travelling the road which will lead me to inner peace. I love the changes I am seeing in my body and in my skin and my over all health. I'm finally doing it! All of these years I have talked about getting to a point where I could be happy in my skin and here I am looking at myself in the mirror and actually being ok with what I see. When I'm at a weight I am comfortable at, when I can run a mile and not be winded, when I can floss my teeth without my gums bleeding and when I can look other people in the eye with the confidence I have in myself then I will be truly satisfied in myself.

I always thought I should do this so that I could fit in well with other people and be more social because - you know - only beautiful people can be social and have lots of friends and relationships. My point of all that is to ask you: Why should we let other people in to our lives if they could possibly take that away from us?

All of this work I'm doing shouldn't be able to go out the window when Erica says that she can't hang out or when she tells me that Stacy doesn't actually like me anymore. I should still be able to feel like I am worthy and happy. And for the most part I do feel that way still. I can know in a way that can only come from authentic self-knowledge that it isn't about me. It isn't something I have done that makes Erica act this way now. It's an issue that is outside of me entirely.

More than anything I feel used. When something comes to an end it is often human nature to look back and remember the thing that is ending. A movie, a book - a friendship, a life. Maybe you gloss over the bad parts and remember only the sunshine and happy times. But maybe you see things through the spectacles of reality and for a minute you find that all those priceless memories weren't as squeaky clean as you'd like to paint them. They might be filled with cracks that you didn't pay attention to before.

The cracks in the relationship that Erica and I have shared for the past four years are hardly small in number. They are large cracks which have become surrounded by smaller ones and it reminds me of a quote from 'The Women' by the character Sophie.

"Whether it's in one big way or a million small ones - betrayal is inevitable in every relationship. It's the nature of these things."

(That's a paraphrase but you get the idea.)

She has lived in my apartment rent free for a month, she has eaten food that I have bought, she has stolen from me, lied to me, used my gas, car, time and money for things that in no way benefit me. And I can say I've done some things to her as well. I've called her horrible things when I'm angry, I've accused her of things that aren't true, I've treated her unfairly and sometimes very poorly.

It's because I recognize these things that I was able to forgive her for them and to put them behind us. It's because I recognize these things that I was able to change my behavior and atone for it. But it's also because I recognize these things that I feel like maybe our entire friendship has been one big pay off for her and one big lesson for me. How do you walk away from a friendship knowing that it has cost you more than you gained from it?

I don't mourn these losses in any big way. For these losses had to be made if I were to become the man I am today. But I mourn the people we had yet to become together - for I think we were better for knowing each other, better for all the ways we have grown together and because of each other. These are the things I measure a friendship in. And in that respect we were full of riches. And I can't predict the future. Maybe we'll end up better friends because of what is happening to us now. But all I can hope is that what happens to us in the following months is what will help us both be better off. I can only hope that the trials will be worth the end result.


That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The First

That fickle itch...

Every now and then I have what I like to call 'the four week itch.' No I did not get something ominous from a bed partner but rather my brain and body rebel against the lack of bed partner. Not plural, just one.

And ok, I totally don't have any problems sleeping alone. But first let me tell you why I'm blogging today.

Last night a good friend of mine (whom I shall refer to as 'T') came over and we watched 'Sex and the City' all night. I had a fabulous time and of course I'm beefing up for the sequel set to hit theaters this month. We baked cupcakes and shopped for beauty products and just generally had the kind of night single girls (and their single gay husbands) live for.

The problem came when we went to bed. (haha.) I usually sleep alone since I am single and have been for about...oh...my entire life. As I was lying there I smiled to myself and realized for the first time in a very long time that I love my life. I'm not in the perfect place and I don't have a lot figured out. But I'm living here and I'm living now - and I have never felt more alive. I have never felt more at peace. I am safe in the knowledge that I will be ok no matter what happens next.

Not only do I have a strong supportive network of friends and family but I have the inner strength to carry me through practically anything. Watching the Ultimate Single Gal Carrie Bradshaw scurrying down the street to catch a cab or even a late movie by herself really inspires me. I have come to love my city just as Carrie loves New York. Well I love it enough for it to be my home while going to college. Mass Street reminds me of a miniature New York street. Bums asking for money, new restaurants and cute shops all over the place. It's full of adventures waiting to happen and favorite haunts to be found.

Anyway back to my night. 'T' has this quirk about her when she's sleeping. Let me tell you that it is not her only quirk but it is the one that sticks out most in my mind. She plays with her mouth in a way that makes a sound which drives me absolutely bonkers. I have to wear earphones when she sleeps over. But she also hogs the covers and tosses and turns alot. All of these habits she is aware of and totally gets it that they can be bothersome. I, of course, do not hold these things against her I'm just stating some facts.

So due to a mixture of these circumstances I found myself unable to sleep. My stomach was growling because I had skipped like all three of my meals today (not on purpose!) It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't planning my meals in advance. I'm a sucker for food. It's how I got my gut at such a young age (which I am now thankfully reducing very slowly by sheer will and exercise.) In any case I got up and put on the first jacket and hat I could find in the dark and headed for the door.

I was only going to grab a McDouble from the drive through (thru?) but I was in no such luck. The first one I went to was closed and the second required cash. I was pissed and hungry at 4 in the morning. I made the first stop I could which was at a local 24 hour restaurant that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner all day long. I ordered myself a big burger with lots of fries and I went to town. It was one of the best burgers I've had in a while. I won't say in my life because that would be untrue. Not to say that I remember the best burger of my life but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. It's kind of like a man - you can tell these sorts of things.

But somewhere amid my quest for food I found myself in a New York State of Mind. I was going through my current personal life status and analyzing why it is the way that it is. I have only ever loved two boys (I say boys because they weren't men to me.) in the past four years. I have never been in a relationship in my entire life. Somewhere the math wasn't adding up.

I'm looking for love. Or at least I have been ever since I was indoctrinated into society's ideals about love. I believe in soul mates and the whole 'someone for everyone' theory. Maybe these people never find each other and instead spend their lives with others who fill the void quite adequately. People who can have something just as valuable or meaningful as if they were with their soul mates. Except I've been screwed over by every guy I have ever even liked. That's a true story.

I admire Samantha Jones for her courage, honesty, and in-your-face unapologetic lifestyle. She keeps herself distant from men...but from what 'Sex and the City' has shown us of her character I believe it to be born from self protection. She was burned once before by love. She even gave it a second try with Richard Wright. In the end love proved to be a fickle bitch that was definitely not on Samantha's next V.I.P. list.

Let me go further into speculation land and analyze the lifestyles and choices of Samantha and of Charlotte. I think I used to be a 'Charlotte' when it came to love. I'm a different person now. My views and idealogies have changed quite a bit over the past year. I think I'm now more of a Samantha. She has money and great friends and of course plenty of stimulating pleasure from men. She has 'made it' as she put it in one episode. I truly believe that she had. A lot of people spend a lot of their lives trying to gain even ONE of those three things at all, let alone maintain such aspects.

In 'Sex and the City: The Movie' Charlotte has a quote that I particularly find interesting. She says, "I have everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy, I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything they want. Look at you...look at Miranda. You're such good people and look what happened to you. Of course something bad is going to happen to me."

Now what I find interesting is that...she did it too. She got everything that she wanted. Charlotte had made it too. So when we work towards getting the things that we want, are we to assume that our own hearts and minds decide if we fulfill our destiny? What if Samantha has a soul mate? She's shut off to men emotionally and so she would never know.

My heart of hearts tells me that I am still a little bit of Charlotte inside. I am a different person now...someone more like Samantha. I don't trust men. I don't really believe in 'Love' (when it comes to the whole significant other thing) because I have never had it returned to me by a man that I love.

These thoughts brought me to do a little research. One of the things to know about me is that I like to google weird phrases. Like, "I have never been kissed." or "I am afraid to date."   Basically I put my feelings into search engines (by the way, both of the above statements are just examples and are not actually anything that I feel or have not done.) and see how many others have put that phrase out there. Anyway, I typed: "I am 20 and have never been in a relationship."
(My 20th is looming fast on the horizon.)

It turns out that I am most certainly not alone. With all the relationships that I have been around I had seriously convinced myself that I was some abnormality of nature. That I obviously wasn't meant to be in a relationship if I haven't already had one. So what if my 'Samantha' attitude just puts me further off the love track? Is it wrong for me to feel the way I do? For me to want Love to prove itself to me? For a man to show me that not all of them are scum?

I think that if it is meant to be, there will be a way for it to happen. I believe that even the toughest of my 'Samantha' beliefs could be overturned by 'Love' if I am meant to find it. But the Charlotte in me is still a little afraid that if I am not a cheerleader for love, it will not win me any games.

At this point I went online and checked every dating site I had ever registered for (ones I hadn't visited in four or five months.) No turn up. It seems that even online I was still wearing my man-repellant. But everything else around me seemed the same even though I had changed so much. The men I have seen, met, observed and experienced in clubs, bars and chat rooms have all been the same: egotistical, self-centered, and sex oriented.  In other words not what I am looking for in a man who would potentially wear the title of my boyfriend.

I guess I can sum this post up in a quote from Emmett Honeycutt on Queer as Folk: "Are there any real men left?" and if there are will I be too closed off to them to find the one that is right for me?

Something to think about.

That's all.

-J.H.-

(Picture from: http://www.sciencenews.org/pictures/112208/itch_mainimage_zoom.jpg)

I'm Comin' Home

 So...I've started a new exercise regime. Ok, not started yet, but I'm planning on it. It's been an interesting ride these past few months. One that I've had to take lying down unfortunately. Life gets you down sometimes, you know?

I'm sorry I had to bring you all down while going through it. But I like to blog and I like to write, so I felt like I needed to express myself through this medium.

However, I'm beginning to take the road which will lead me out of my funk. I'm taking the necessary steps for me to feel better about my life and just stop making excuses for everything that's happened to me. I can't use my situation as an excuse because if I do that then the others will have won. The people who say that I can't do something, or that I will never amount to anything. I know in my heart and soul that isn't true about myself. I know I'm meant to be great and do great things. Which doesn't always mean fame or lots of money (although that is something I've always secretly wished for myself.)

Sometimes it means bouncing back from horrors or atrocities in life and just saying, "I got through it. What else do you have for me, life?"

It's not what you do in life but how you come back from what life throws at you, that tells your true character. Ok, so maybe I'm not the strongest and I haven't been in the past. But all of that ends when I say it does. I have always had the power to control what I do in my life and where it goes. I've let things just 'happen' to me while I idly let them happen. Well this time now, the time meant for recovery and for me to bounce back, will not just be another thing that goes wrong and 'happens' to me. I recognize the need for self assurance and action.

That's what I'm doing now. Getting back on track and focusing on my life and how I can improve it. I'm starting school again. Just a few more kinks in the process and I'm on my way to getting readmitted to KU - something I should have started a long while ago. Now I'm trying to get the body and the health that I've always craved. I know what I want and I'm going to get it. I want to have the slim shape and internal well being that I've never had in my life before. So wish me luck! I'm starting a work out blog if you all are interested in reading that! I'll post the link soon.

Basically I'm working for four or five months to lose as much weight as I can. Then in September I'm going on a trip with my mother over a long weekend to Oregon. I feel like once I reach that point, it's all gravy after that. I should be back in school and getting the education benefits. So that's all I'm looking forward to.

All this time has left me with the ability to write more often and I'm thankful for that. I have to visit the projects that I've been putting of in lieu of other things. I've been posting my fan works on various sites and they are all getting really positive feedback, but now I want to focus on original works. I have two chapters written of a novel that has been in the works for a couple of years now. It all comes down to the execution now.

Also in the works: I've recently read a book called, "Before I Fall," by Lauren Oliver and it is such a wonderful reading experience! If you have a chance, go ahead and read it because you will not regret it. It's  a hard hitting look at life and the things we all take for granted and the opportunities we miss because of things we think we want. We get in our own way a lot of the time, to having the life we want for ourselves. So you can see why this book would resonate with me. I wrote the author in hopes that I could turn it into a film adaptation but we'll see where that goes.

I've been in a really creative mood lately and I'm itching to film something. Or perhaps make some jewelry. I'm always inclined to make jewelry at the current moment. I think that if I can make enough then I will sell a few key pieces on facebook. I know a lot of people have this hobby but I really enjoy doing it and I wouldn't mind making money off of it.

Oh! I got a new car recently. Well it isn't new but it's new to me. The car is a '98 Ford Tauras and it's white. I saved up money off the top of my allowance to get it and thankfully the auction (Purple Wave) that I bought it from, had kept the prices pretty decent. I mean it looked for a moment as if someone else was going to outbid me on it, but I pushed for it and with a little help I was able to grab the winning bid. So thanks to ma mere!

Now I have to return my old car to my father. His name is on the title and all of that. I need to have him switch insurance over to it and also to register it. So lots to do in that department. It still needs to have it's interiors cleaned, which I will probably do myself and it needs to go through a car wash, but other than that it's perfect. I'm certainly not complaining since my other one was falling apart.

I've been having offers for roommates from two seperate people and I'm more inclined to go with one over the other - but either way it looks like I'm moving again. I know, I know. I can't seem to stay in one place longer than six months eh? But I figure that I'm young and in college, so that's to be expected for someone living off campus. After this roommate experience hopefully I'll be able to just settle down for a few years somewhere. Maybe in a house or something (with roommates obviously). The point is to keep the cost down.

Well that's pretty much it from my corner these days. Just taking life one day at a time and trying to enjoy it the best I can. I'm working towards getting myself together and it isn't an easy process but...I have faith that I'll get there. I have the fact that I'm still an eternal optimist on my side. You can't keep a good gay man down for long.

That's all.

-J-


(Picture from: http://intellidick.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/some_motivation_requiredu2sdetail.png)

Valentine

  Hello all. Another Valentine's Day is upon us. It is the midnight hour of such a day - something that I've done a wonderful job of ignoring up until now.

I was going to spend my Valentine's Day with a girlfriend. (You know, the 'honey those shoes are fabulous' kind of girlfriend.) We were going to turn it into a celebration of being single. Fabulous outfits and hair, laughing over sushi and maybe quiet conversation at a coffee shop, then topping it all off with a 'Sex and the City' marathon.

Except, she didn't dump the guy who has been 'dating' her for the past few weeks. She was going to and then he did something really sweet for her that made her reconsider things.

Maybe it's for the better. I want her to be happy and I want her to have a good Valentine's Day. Hell. Someone should. My mother is visiting town and my best friend from ICT just left here. I miss her all the time and this weekend was just a subtle reminder of how much I actually do miss her. But then again I spend a lot of time these days thinking about my relationships and friendships.

I'm just simply more lonely this year. Perhaps no lonlier than the last - but this year it is different. I have gone through an ordeal and things are different now. Everything is different and it can't go back to the way it was. I see everyone and everthing differently now than before. I'm not quite sure what it is I see and I get the general feeling of floating in the air, suspended by an invisible force that is unmoving - and it is my life and my future. It's all just suspended at the moment.

My school has dismissed me and so I've been trying to recover from that. I've taken necessary steps to research schools and in the end decided I wanted to go the online route. I'm going to get a job (to get me out of this apartment everyday!) and pay for these courses. I want to put myself through these obstacles because I got myself into this mess. Well, I played a part anyway. I can't let the two others involved in this situation take all the responsibility. I was there and every moment I spent in hell, I chose to stay...for whatever reason or another.

Generally I wish for a boyfriend every year. I wish that perhaps this is the year that I will have someone to kiss on New Year's or that 'I' can become a 'We'. I will have someone there to witness my life as I am living it.

But I 've stopped wishing. And it wasn't a conscious thing really. I just got off the phone with my friend after having been ditched for V.D. and I was...just complacent. Usually I'd be pissed or depressed. But I can't bring myself to put forth the energy it takes to be upset or pissed. I finally think that after all these years I have allowed myself to just relax. Maybe this past year is to blame and it has taken this self-pity from me and turned it into utter apathy.

I wish I could say that I cared but I just can't. I'm taking my life one step at a time these days and one second at a time. It's a lot...slower. It's not as comforting as people say it is. I feel like I have nothing to do with myself and then the 'weightlessness' sets in.

However, I will say that I have been writing more often and I've been exercising, not to mention that I've cut back on smoking. I'm doing ok.

Anyway another thing that happens this time of year is that I think about who it didn't end up working out with. I can only hope that they spend their Valentine's Day with someone that they care about. Because I wouldn't want anyone to be alone - no matter who they were - unless that was the way they wanted it. This year, I am ok with being alone. Being alone isn't something to be ashamed of. I'm not embarrassed about it and if I were to go to a restaurant tomorrow and be by myself, I would sit proudly somewhere in a booth and be alone.

Valentine's Day means a chance for many people to show their significant others how they feel about each other. I elect that those of us without a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, make that significant other someone that is important to them in many ways. Someone in their life that they have been affected by and just don't always take the chance to say 'thanks' every once in a while.

Those people shouldn't be forgotten. What a perfect day and perfect way to celebrate any form of love in our lives. Love doesn't just come in one person or in one way. It doesn't come in one shape, size, color, or meaning. It just is there in our lives, moving us in ways that we sometimes can't see or haven't been able to realize yet.

So seize this day. Carpe Diem.

Take it into your life and make it your own in a world that has made it uniform and commonplace.

Love is something to celebrate. Always.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First



(picture from: http://www.bantjes.com/images/pic_saks-valentine.jpg)

The Dating Game

The dating game. What is it? Who is in it? What do you do when you are one of those in it?

I don't know the answer to these questions. But I would like to know. I think.

How do you let people know that you're in the dating game?

Well, to me it's not a game - I just use the term because it's what people do.

I ask these questions because I went on a date tonight. It was a blind date - and ok, I know those are usually bad news. You don't have to be in the dating 'game' to know that. But it wasn't actually that bad.

Well, it wouldn't have been except that he is in his 40's. I don't mention his exact number because a gay man, much like a lady, never reveals his age. And if he does, on a blind date, then the datee can't reveal that age on the internet.

He's nice and kind and attractive (for an older gentlemen.) He made me feel good about myself, which is unusual for a first date (at leas the one's I've experienced.) I gave him a hug goodbye and that was the end of it.

We didn't exchange numbers, we didn't make plans...that was just...it.

But it got me thinking. I'm 19 and I haven't dated a lot. I've been on two dates total in my entire life thus far. Each one was...well...unique. I thought with the second one that I had something, but it turned out to be a fluke. I've fallen for guys I've already known and been friends with, but never actually had a date.

What is that about anyway? How do you get dates?

First of all, I will be pretentious and say I refuse to go to a dance club and ask someone out on a date. That's just not me. I am ok with being approached but not approaching at a dance club. Most gay men at the dance club I frequent, are self-absorbed or too gun shy to do anything. And even if they aren't gun shy, they're horny and looking for a one-time thing. That's not what I want.

I want to date. You know the whole 'coffee-at 7-movies-at 10-dinner and or drinks afterwards' kind of thing. On more than one occasion...with the same person. That seems to be an impossible thing to get at my age, and geographical location. Why is that? Why aren't more guys wanting to date?

After my date I went home and got on my computer. I was looking for more than the date had to offer, and so I logged on to gay.com - after going into the chat room (that I've been in a million times) and seeing who was online (the same people who are always on) I gave up hope. I signed on to two other dating sites that I'm involved with.

Nothing. Nada. The big Goose Egg.

A friend of mine told me that craigslist is where it's at for L-town. Now, let me tell you that I loathe the words 'craigslist' when I see them - because it's a trashy site used for trashy things. But my dating thirst for knowledge had me on a quest.

I quickly found out that craigslist is not really for 'dating' but for sex in the L-town area.

So I find myself at a loss. Are all the like-minded men where I live, in hiding? And if so, where are they hiding?

I'm finding that the dating game, is a lot harder than it looks.

That's all.

-J-

Anatomy of Me

I've just spent a good chunk of hours watching season 2 of "Grey's Anatomy." It is the first time I have seen the show, and I am completely engrossed in it. I don't want to stop watching it. It's like a kind of addiction for me.

When it is over, and when I am done with this season I will be sad. Not because I know there aren't any more, but simply because I can no longer view it on my television until I either buy the next season, or find some way to get it without it hurting my very slim pocketbook.

Grey like's to start each episode off with a narration. It sets the tone for the episode. Perhaps it is a quote, or an observation. Perhaps it is an anecdote from her life. Whatever it is, these little narrations have somehow found their way into my heart. Each one has something to say to me. I can listen to Grey and in my mind I will say, "Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

Unfortunately for me - I have experienced some of the heartbreak that she is going through. I have not blogged extensively (the second time around) the emotions that I had during my painful letting go of Matt. Partially because I didn't wish to relive my experience with Dustin, and paritally because I have not yet gotten over him.

I think I have simply gotten 'past' him. Or had been. I was doing things with my life! Writing, exercising, going out with friends. All of that is well and fine but it doesn't cure a person of their love or their heartbreak. I thought I had been doing great actually. I was finally getting a restful night's sleep. I was taking up new hobbies.

But somehow, somewhere between this morning and the night before that - I broke. I had a dam, that I had built around my heart and possibly my mind, to keep the emotions from all the traumatic or stressful situations at bay...and I didn't even realize it. This morning when I woke up - I realized it. It was as if I was feeling the emotions from the past year and they were coalescing into this giant ball of pain.

I believe that for the first time in a long time, I was letting myself feel something beyond the daily run of emotions. I was actually *feeling* it.

They say that when you're in a war zone, you are living moment to moment, not thinking about what you're going through and what conditions you are surviving. When you return to the 'real world' and join the rest of the population again, it starts to hit you.

That's how I felt. Not only the trauma from living in hell for about three to four months, but also from the heart ache I was suffering.

I wouldn't let myself process these things because I had responsibilities. To other people's lives as well as my own. To make sure the rent was paid or the house was clean or that the dogs were fed and nourished and cared for - and then to make sure my homework was done and maybe to get a little sleep once in a while.

Then I woke up today. I opened my eyes and I said, "Ow."

And you know what? It sucks. I have never felt like this before, about anyone or anything. The pain that sticks out the most is the pain that came from Mark. I genuinely loved him. I seem to have that curse. Falling for guys that won't give me the time of day. Except this one did. He kissed me, told me he liked me - said he could fall for me. Made me believe we were a possibility.

When in reality I was just a substitute. He was in love with another guy and I didn't even know it. The substitutes are usually the last to know.

Anyway, my best friend (who recently got out of a relationship) also felt like this today. For some reason, today was the day that all the crap just fell from where it was sticking onto the fan. It had already hit, and we knew it had hit, but then when we thought it was over: it fell from the fan.

She popped in my mother's second season of Grey's Anatomy and said, "Let's watch this. You're going to love it."

We had nothing better to do, and besides that, we needed a distraction.

She was right. I did love it. I fell in love with the characters and I got invested in their stories. Part of that was because of Meredith and her struggle with McDreamy. She was happy with him and he just took that away from her. We as the viewers get to see how she deals with that - so naturally I can identify with some of the things she says.

Anyway, in the episode "The End of the World..." she says something that really strikes a chord with me. Because it was spot on how I felt and how I would say it.

She's talking to Christina about McDreamy and this feeling she has about her life in general and she says: "I can't even remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever, but you don't."

And this is where she spoke what I was feeling, exactly, today: "I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."

I do need something to happen. I need something to happen that tells me that I shouldn't give up on love. I need for some kind of event to happen that will bring me out of my funk. And I'm not talking about a death or a crisis. I need something good to happen. Or I will continue to feel the absence of hope.

Isn't it sad that human beings can do that to one another? Take away their hope and their faith in life itself?

It is even more sad when that act comes in the name of something like Love. It was the love of another guy that made Matt unavailable to me. Love did that. To me.

And because this other guy didn't love Mark back, then he in turn, was broken as well. He transformed into someone I don't recognize and quite frankly, don't even like.

I have to believe that there is still some good kind of love. I have to believe that the 'monogamous-once in a lifetime-grow old and wrinkly together' kind of love hasn't died with the previous generation. I want to believe that there are some relationships that exist out there where both parties have not physically and/or emotionally cheated on their significant other and have chosen to always remain faithful and in love with the other person.

Until that can happen for me; until my hope and faith in love and life can be restored...I will truck on. I won't lay down and die or wait to die. I will get up. I may bitch and moan about having to get up...but every morning I promise myself that I will get out of bed and do something.

And even if it's juvenile to say this out loud, well I don't care: I will have Grey to remind me that life goes on. To heal me with her words and her stories. Because even if she is fictional, she is still someone I can relate to. Her character's experiences can comfort me as I watch them play out on my television.

Her pixelated eyes will never look into mine and her rose colored lips will never smile at me, but she is one person who can't hurt me from where she is. She can't betray me, or step out of line. She can't lie to me or lead me on. And she will always be there when I need her.

Even after I put her away, when I'm ready to rejoin the rest of the world, and believe in people again.

That's all.

-J-

A Winter's Night

 It's snowing tonight. The first snow in L-town. I love it when it snows. Did I ever tell you that?

I like watching it in the street lights, as I drive to whatever destination that I must reach next.

How it hangs there, falling softly, seemingly suspended. It glints like tiny jewels or dots - it surrounds me as it falls to the ground.

Like tiny memories gently floating in the eternity that is time, making their way to obscurity when their owners and bearers are no longer around to lift them.

I am swathed in memories tonight. Memories of a not so simple time, just under a week ago, when I there were less pleasant feelings prevelant in my life. In case you have not been able to keep up on what's going on - I have moved from my previous living arrangments and out into my own apartment.

For the first time since coming to this town, I feel free. I feel light and as if I can succeed. It's been two years since I came here. Since the very beginning, I've lived with my sister. I didn't see back then, what I see in her now. Because I didn't know. I didn't...I couldn't have any clue as to what was brewing beneath the surface.

My sister is ill. She's been medically diagnosed with severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I personally beleive that compulsive untruth should be added to that list, but I'm not a medical expert. For two years, I've lived with her. I've watched her progressively get worse.

The wear and tear of four years full throttle work and school with no relief had finally put her illness to the forefront. She could no longer hide it, not as she had from her family, for so long. As I wrote in an earlier post: she had gone into the hospital in...April, I believe, but don't quote me on that.

For six months now, she has not fulfilled much obligation to anyone. She's not really tried at anything. It's like this shell of a person that I used to know. If possible, the hospital made her worse than before. Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps I'm only seeing the shell, and not what lurks inside of it. Perhaps there is the real C that I've never known before, inside and waiting to be coaxed out.

No matter. I won't delve into her personal life on the internet. It wouldn't be right of me.

But I will talk about the parts that have so affected my life that even now, they are still with me.

For the past three months, I've been living with one of my better friends and my sister, whom happen to be dating. They bought dogs for some insane reason, and they both do NOT take care of them. It got to the point where they were letting the dogs do their business inside the apartment. It constantly smelled. It constantly felt uncomfortable. And the responsibility often was pushed off onto me to provide the care and love that those two simply wouldn't.

I told them when they bought the dogs that I would take no responsibility what-so-ever for anything that had to do with the dogs. They both agreed to that and then got the puppies. From there, they didn't train the dogs, they didn't have kennels, the dogs didn't have a regular feeding schedule, and often I would be left to babysit the dogs when they were doing other things.

Despite what I told them, I ended up picking up poop, cleaning up pee stains, feeding them and spending time with them. In short, it was as if I was a third owner instead of what the situation should have been treated like: a roommate.

For the past three months, since I started school after moving to that three bedroom apartment, I was always stressed out, exhausted and worried about something. This, of course, affected my school work. This was a crucial semester too because I was on academic probation. I'm still waiting to see whether or not my work to at least keep up in my classes has paid off at all. We'll know come spring.

Finally, one night, I had had enough. I told them I wanted to leave. And a couple of days later, after apartment searching and comparing, I found a place and signed the lease. I moved in December 1st. I could not be happier. I have a quiet, clean space in which I can focus solely on myself and what goals I need to accomplish.

The biggest grin kept appearing on my face after move-in day. I was cleaning and singing, and hanging pictures. I could hang pictures!! Through the entire two years that I lived with my sister, she always decided what pictures went up and where they went. She decided how to arrange the furniture. She made every little decision.

It is sad to me that she has such mixed priorities, so much so that her own brother couldn't even really share living quarters with her and feel comfortable and at home in that space. I believe she has many bitter feelings towards me - for what reasons I can guess at, but can never really be sure. One thing this family is good at is bottling things up inside and storing them away, building up.

Anyway, tonight she contacted me, asking me if I could do her a favor and get her some dog food. I was instantly miffed. Here I was, living on my own and still I felt like I couldn't escape her shadow. These dogs are still NOT my responsibility and she STILL treats the situation like they are. I want nothing to do with her household, and soon I will make that abundantly clear to her. I won't do any favors, I won't be coming over to clean or cook or hang pictures. That is her house. This is mine.

Now before you go on and say that I'm being a bit harsh - this is not the first favor she has asked for since I moved out. And it's only been a week!! The thing is...I know for a fact that if the situation were reversed and I needed things from her like that, she would not do it. Period.

I don't do favors for family because I expect something in return. No, I do it because I love them and because I care about them. But my sister knows my caring personality and she takes advantage of that. A lot. I can't count on 30 hands how many favors I've done for her since coming to L-town. I don't keep track and I don't write them down as grievances. But you know, a little reciprication would be great. A little appreciation would be wonderful.

And the sad thing is, that I know I probably won't get that. Not anytime soon and it's very possible that  I will never get it.

There are feelings that I'm starting to have that surprised me when I first started having them. Anger, resentment, bitterness. She put me through miserable circumstances for at least a year, if not more, and here she is still acting as if it's ok for her to do that. My feelings seep into my skin, flowing into my veins and pumping through me like blood.

I don't know if I can see her for a while. I just need some time to digest everything that happened. I need some time to move on from that and start new, and most importantly, to gain clarity on what it is that I want to get out of the next four years here. I can't waste any more time. I simply can't.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I also know that I have a lot of joy ahead of me.

I'm trying to mend my relationship with my father, I'm working on things that I love such as writing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. Not to mention there's a cutie down at my new apartment's leasing office, that I have my eye on. Nothing has happened yet, but I think there's something about this one. We'll call him 2010 potential boy.

For now, I'll sip my coffee and I'll open my blinds to watch the snow fall. Tonight, I will go to sleep, warm in my bed and knowing that I'm full of love and life.

That's all.

-J-



(Picture from: http://www.jesslaccetti.co.uk/uploaded_images/snownite-734683.jpg)