When your world falls apart [like shattered glass]

It is messed up isn't it - what we do to the people we love?

This question has been raised in my mind many times recently. A lot has been happening with my emotional state. A lot has been changing.

I think a lot of it is that I feel like I'm being stifled. I feel like I could do a lot of great things, and that I can show the world what I'm really made of, if I had the chance.

But with everyone else's problems piling up on top of me, it just feel so hard. It feels like everywhere I turn, I'm being pulled further into the Abyss that threatens to engulf me as well.

My sister has been showing a side of herself recently, previously unseen by even our mother. She's always been a sort of closed off person - never really revealing much about herself or her feelings. She has always put up this front that makes it seem to the world that she is a strong, independent and invulnerable woman. That she is almost perfect in every way. Obviously we know that she isn't perfect, but it's as if she expects us to pretend that she is, right along with her.

And for the most part we have. Which, I think, is a big factor in how she was able to keep up the facade for so long. Now in her most vulnerable of times, we see things come out in her that we can't really comprehend. Her sense of generosity, right, wrong and purpose have all seemingly left her.

What leads me to discuss this is the fact that she has been in a relationship with my best friend for a while now - and she has also been using her. Maybe not knowingly, and maybe to some extent knowingly. But she has been. My sister has rarely been single in all of her life since she started dating.

I'm not sure that she literally knows what it means to be single. I believe it scares her to try and find out.

So when certain events in her personal life have lead her to mistreat my best friend, and have that building for months - it still came as a surprise to me when my best friend left our home and told us goodbye over the phone before she lead us to believe she was going to commit suicide.

As soon as Erica (my best friend) called me, telling me goodbye - telling me things my mind couldn't register quickly enough, my body turned to molasses. As if I was stuck in slow motion and couldn't snap out of it even though I knew these next few minutes would be vital. I didn't know how much time I had.

But she was on foot when she left the apartment and I went to drive around and find her. My sister ended up calling the police. Very long story short, Erica is now in a facility for the next week (by choice) to stabilize herself. However I can not escape the feeling that the times ahead are not going to be necessarily better.

Dealing with one person who has been going to therapy after being admitted to the hospital, someone who is on medication and who you don't know the mood of when they wake up in the morning is a very tiring thing to have in your life. Now there will be two people in that situation living with me. And aside from monetary and personal problems, I have to find the strength to cope with this as well.

I'm not meaning to complain, really I'm not. I understand how difficult it must be to live your life in a mental state that they are in. I've lived with my sister my entire life before she decided to get help, so I know.

It just feels like I'm being used in the same way. I'm a means to an end. I've been feeling like that about a lot of my friendships/relationships lately. I care so much about everyone else and what's going on in their life. I feel like I'm spent - there's nothing left for me to give out because if I do then there will be nothing left for me.

I spend my time, energy, emotions on caring about and for these people that I love. I do it because I love them, not because I expect anything in return. I don't need anything from them except an occasional sympathetic ear once in a while. A nod my way, a smile, a 'hey, how are YOU doing?'

It feels as if I am carrying the weight of a thousand people's burdens, and I am afraid of what will happen if I am pushed over my limits. Right now I feel pretty numb; have been feeling that way since saturday. I think it's my defense. I think my body or my heart can't take any more that could possibly go wrong.

I've just been hurt too many times by too many different people. I've always kept this inside and bottled it...a talent that my family has exhibited many times over the course of my 19 years. But I feel like the time is coming when that will no longer be the case. When I will just let it out as it goes on. I'm afraid to do so. The truth is a powerful thing.

An interesting quote from Revolutionary Road, caught my attention tonight: "Something about truth is, no matter how far you get from it, it's always there. You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

I believe this is true, in many of the situations I described in the above. If we all were very honest with ourselves about the decisions we make, then maybe we could save ourselves a lot of trouble. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we lie and cheat when we know what we're doing? We KNOW. We always know.

Even if we don't think about it at the moment or even for a long time. If we push it to the back and bury it deep inside of us - it's still there.

And we still deny it.

I just wish that there wasn't so much complicated drama surrounding me all of the time. I wish I could just get away from that sort of thing. Lead my life on my own terms and get back to what really matters to me. All of this stress has been affecting me a lot.

It seems as if my life is made of glass and being held together by glue and tape.

I'm left wondering, terrified, 'when will it shatter?'

-J.H.-


(Pic from: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-set/BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFlpBREtHYS1pM1JHMlhMb0xleGo4UXcAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ.jpg)

Before you try to run...

It's lonely here, these days. Which is funny. You would think that living with my sister and best friend would be more than enough to leave me dead tired at night and filled with contentment.

Except of course when said best friend and sister are dating. How lovely. I'm happy for them, truly. As long as they are happy - and I've always told them that. I still mean that.

There's just some things that I've been thinking about and things that I've discovered. I've been fxcked over again. And I just never seem to learn my lesson. Perhaps that's why God keeps trying to teach it to me.

Anyhow. My best friend is...sort of a liar. I don't know if she does it intentionally, or if it's just something born out of habit (she has had a rough childhood, and I do mean rough). But it hurts never-the-less. I have to work to step back from the situation and remember that it's not necessarily a good idea to call her out on it. You see, all of her life she's been made to feel like a fuck up and a piece of shit by her immediate family and a lot of her friends. I don't hate her- I'm just hurt. And I know that if I said anything, she would just take it as me telling her she's a fuck up.

My sister isn't in the best of states either. She was hospitalized for mental health issues, and after that, well she's been trying to keep up with out patient care but it hasn't been going very well because she's a totally different person. She's lazy, doesn't do things on time and keep herself on track, and she mostly stays in her room all day with her girlfriend.

It scares me to tell you the truth. This volatile situation is shaky. Made even shakier by some of the lies I've uncovered that my best friend has told. I don't know how long this can go on before it all crashes to the ground.

Besides that, it couldn't have come at a worse time. Over the past two months or so, I've been falling for an old flame of mine. Not Derrick - thank God that ship has sailed. No someone else. He's very special to me. But he's in love with someone else. And I just can't do it. I can't wait for him, and I can't put myself through that pain again. I won't. I refuse. No matter how much I believe that we belong together. If it's meant to be then so be it. Divine Intervention will have to occur and make it happen because I'm just not going to do it this time.

So I'm dealing with this whole best friend/sister thing and also getting over this guy. It isn't fun. I hate it. I've become this jaded and angry person most of the time and all I want to do is cry, but I can't do it. My tears have all dried up.

Sometimes I wish I could just get away and go somewhere new. Away from everyone and everything I know and start a new life where no one knows me. But I tried that before. When I ran away to Minnesota. I don't want to leave KU, and more importantly, I want everyone to know that I'm not going to run anymore. This is my life and no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to stick it through because I owe that to myself.

Most of my days are spent alone and I'm starting to grow accustomed to that. I'm starting not to care. I can't get hurt that way and I don't have to deal with any bullshit that way. It just works.

So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. I've been trying to work out and write and all that. It hasn't been going very well recently, but I'm still trucking along - keeping at it - and I think that's what counts. I haven't just lay down and let this overtake me.

I'm trying to be strong. Stronger than I've ever had to be before, and it's so hard that everyday I just want to stay in bed and sleep. But I don't. I get up, make my coffee and I start my day. Because someone in this household has to. Someone has to keep it together.

But it's safe to say that I'm bringing my focus where it should have been all along: on myself. No really - I've cut out all the people who have used me, I've stopped talking to the people I can live without and it feels like the right thing. I've grown a little smarter, a little tougher, and a little wiser.

I can't tell you if this new me is going to turn out alright. All I can say is, it's who I am right now, through the pain and the anger and the hurt. Maybe one day it will be different. Right now, the facts are that it isn't different.

That's all.

Signed,

J

Boys Will Be the End of Me

I've Got a Crush On You
Ella Fitzgerald

Hmm, I've got a crush on someone. Guess who

I've got a crush on you sweetie pie

All day and night time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

for a cunning cottage we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush my baby on you

How glad the many millions

of timothy and Williams

would be to capture me

But you had such persistance, you wore down my resistance

I fell and it was swell

You're my big, brave and handsome Romeo

How I won you I shall never know

It's not that you're attractive

But, oh, my heart grew active

When you came into view

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

All the day and night-time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

For a cunning cottage

That we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on you

Make me blue (A crush, on you)

In the style of ''I've Got a Crush on You''

Written by J.H.

Sometimes, I feel bad about the things that we do

But honey, when I'm with you

And when my lips do kiss you

I get a clue, yes a clue

that baby, I've got a crush that makes me blue

You've had your share of lovers

To me, it is no wonder

How lovers love no other

Than you.

The girls and boys who know you

In ways that are and aren't true

Sometimes think what I do

That baby, I've got a crush, that makes me blue

You have a one and only,

Somebody other than me,

You dream of him and I see

Everything so clearly,

Your eyes are only for he

You've got to know that I care

Though deep I am in despair

That you have found your fella

Like dear Edward and Bella

Never could I hurt you,

Nor he and all his virtue

I want you to be true

Never feel dishonest,

Or ache or pain or menace

Find all you can within it.

Still I confess,

that things became a mess

when I got a clue

that Baby, oh baby, I've got a crush

A crush that makes me blue.

Diva's Dating and other Disasters

And so begins the chronicling of my not-so-existent dating life. Well, dating plus all the other 'extra-curricular' activities.

Last night I got drunk with a couple of people from Wichita, and there was a guy there who is a friend of my best friend. We'll call him Nick.

Nick is kind of trying to stop drinking and cut down, but we let him have more than his fair share of drinks. I, having to drive my sister and her two other friends to the club, was in a slightly aggravated mood.

So naturally I decided to drink as well. I had four shots of vodka and two beers. Needless to say I was pretty drunk. At about that time, me and nick and my bff had to go pick up the three ladies who were pissed because we were late picking them up. We all went back to the apartment and got back to drinking, while my one of the people there got upset and called their ex boyfriend and ended up passing out in my bed.

My sister and my bff were on the couch talking when all of the sudden my sis gets a call and decides to go console one of her friends who is having troubles with her fiance. Nick, me and K (a friend of my sis) decided to drink some more. Nearly done with the game about an hour later, we get a call saying that my sister's car had died and she needed a jump.

Apparently while trying to jump the car, the-friend-in-need dropped her engagement ring in the hood of her car and couldn't find it.

So K, Nick and I went to their aid. Meanwhile, in the backseat, we began to make-out. Now something you have to know about Nick is that he is in love with some other guy and when they get the chance they are going to be together instead of trying a long distance relationship. At the beginning of the night, he said to me 'Don't let me make out with you, because I'm not going to remember a thing in the morning.'

Lo and behold, in our drunken horny states, we couldn't resist.

All the while, I couldn't help but wonder if I was being used. Sure it was mutual fun for both of us, but in the time of my life where I'm trying to focus on myself I had to wonder: Is there any problem with mutual satisfaction, if both parties are participating for different reasons?

And if not, should you regret it in the morning if the other person won't remember, and you already knew that?

The festivities ended when we got back from jumping the car, after spending an hour trying to find the ring whilst being completely drunk and freezing outside at five a.m. In a drunken rage, K left and accused my sister of being thoughtless of anybody but herself.

The next morning, my mother left, not bothering to say goodbye and saying that 'the environment wasn't a good one to accomplish what she needed to get done.'

When the morning aged and broke through my haze, I felt worse for more than just a bad hangover. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he didn't remember anything, and he still doesn't know the full extent of what we did. Spending the next day and a half with him might prove difficult when last night, was all I can think about.

I don't have feelings for Nick, besides ones of friendship, but the fact of the matter is that I don't know him. The fact of the matter is, he is completely unavailable.

So how far is too far in the name of too many beers? How long should we keep others in the dark, if it means saving both parties the drama of it all?

That's all.

Signed,

A fabulous gay man,

Queen Trixe J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/W/8/R/sexandthecitypic10.jpg )

Enough of Me

I like this picture. I saw it and I wanted to put it in tonight's entry.

It's spring break and even though I have been a break ever since I left school, I'm about to go back to a regular life soon. I'm nervous, anxious, excited and just a little bit regretful that it's ending.

But all the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm going to be getting paid, I'm going to continue my education, I'll be doing something again, rather than laying around the house.

I have so many goals and so many dreams and ideas for my life, and I just don't know where to begin and how to get there. All I know is that somehow I'm going to get there. I'll cut the parts out of my dreams that have to be along the way, but other than that I want to just not be miserable when I'm older. A goal that many adults in my experience, have not achieved.

My mother and I had a great talk this evening, driving from Wichita to Lawrence. Mostly about our family. We talked about me, as well and issues that we all have in our lives. I almost cried because I had a breakthrough.

Some things (that I will not discuss) have caused major self-esteem issues. I go around in my life like I know who I am, and like I'm ready for a relationship because I've had 18 single years to figure myself out. But having 18 single free years does not mean that I am happy with myself and that I am ready for a relationship.

I realized that my self-esteem is way lower than I had ever thought it was. So now I'm doing some work on myself and for myself. I'm going to be doing an overhaul to become the person that I really am...the person that I should be.

This realization has been huge for me. All this evening it has been on my mind. I have to totally relearn things I thought I knew about myself. It's scary, and it's big.

Somehow, I'm going to figure this out. Somehow I'll recover from this thing that I didn't know was boiling beneath the surface all along. I've been too busy taking care of the people in my life to realize that the person I need to start taking care of, is myself.

I've wanted so badly to find love for a long time. But I'm a firm believer in loving yourself before ever allowing someone else to love you. So that's what I'm going to figure out how to do. That's what this entry is all about.

I feel so lost and so jaded at some points, and this task is not to be taken lightly. But I'm going to take it one day at a time. Because that's all that I can do. That's all I know how to do.

That's all.

J

He was only your fool for a while

I'm writing to you from L-town, again. Recently, there had been some changes to my living arrangments, as per my own decisions.

I had decided that living in Lawrence was going to be too much of a burden. I would have to get a job and help pay rent, and go to school at the same time, even though the agreement was that I wouldn't have to get a job my first year.

I withdrew from the University and by the end of the week, I was out. I went first, to Tal-town. I would have been living with my father, so the first priority on my list would have been to get a job to save up enough money to pay rent somewhere and get my own place. I was then going to (after getting my own place) get enrolled in online school and get a business degree.

But my father wanted me to live by rules that I felt I had outgrown, not to mention, an unspoken rule that would put me back in the closet. He wanted me to have a curfew and tell him where I was going, and go to church and no smoking, and all of that. I just figured, I'm 18 years old, about to be 19. The whole reason for moving out in the first place was to gain my independence.

So I tried it up in Minnesota with my mother. I love my mother to death, and I love that she was willing to help me out. I wouldn't have had to pay rent, and I could start school whenever I wanted. My mother lives in a hotel right now, because that's the accomodations her job is providing her. I just didn't feel like I was fully settled in...like a hotel could be my home for a year. Most importantly, I was away from everyone I loved and everything I knew.

After spending a week there, I decided to come full circle, and live back in Lawrence. The place where my independence was in the exact place I needed it to be. I tried to get back into the University, but they said re-enrollment for this semester wouldn't be possible. However, I think my dad and I will work something out for the summer courses, and then I can resume a regular schedule in the fall.

I am getting a job, for those of you who are wondering. Without school, my only other option is to go to work. Honestly, I don't mind it. As long as I wouldn't have to do both at the same time until summer came around. Really it's better this way so that I can focus on getting a job, instead of having to wait until my day of classes was over.

I'm in a much healthier place with all of this at the moment. I've decided to just live my life, and be young and enjoy myself.

Life will not get the best of me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture From: http://www.monheganboat.com/img/sunset313.jpg)

In a Dark Wood

It is sunday. I am currently sitting alone on Carissa's (my sister) couch and watching 'I am Sam'. This is one of the single most emotional movies I have seen in my life.

But then it is also, right now, one of the single most emotional times of my life as well.

The picture is sort of representative of my emotional state right now. In the beginnings of Dante's Inferno, he is in a 'dark wood' which allegorically has been interpreted to mean he has come to a point where he didn't know which way to turn, he didn't know how he got to where he was at in his life, and he might be moving towards suicide or might be past the point of no return.

Don't worry. I am not, as he might say, so deep into the wood where the sun is silent. You won't have to read this and come talk me off of a ledge.

I just think this is what happens to me when something major is going to occur and is occuring in my life. I'm moving back to Wichita. It is an attempt to take control of my future, and to push myself into adulthood. I need that I think.

My mother has been saying how she thinks this year is one of major change and growth for all of us. She says she wants us all to be independent of each other by 2010. I tend to agree with her. I want to really be able to call myself an adult and handle my car, cell phone, taxes and all of that. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and honestly say, "Yes, I take care of and am responsible for myself."

There is so much that can happen, and might happen with this decision. I am unwilling to turn back however. I refuse. This is something that I have to learn and deal with.

I just wish that it might be somewhere else than Wichita. In order to save money until I get a job and enough money to move out, I have to live with my father. To put it in a way that you will understand: I have to hide everything about who I am.

He doesn't know (I haven't told him anyway) that I am gay. I haven't told him that I smoke cigarettes, etc. I really thought I was done with all the hiding, and now when I need it most, it is not an option to be out and proud.

It is a sacrifice. And I'm going to make it. Because that's what being an adult means. Sometimes doing something painful in order to make things better.

Another issue has occupied my thoughts. We all know and love (to hate) him...Derrick. He had said to me, to forget him. To forget he ever existed. So I wrote him my goodbye letter and have gotten rid of all evidence of his existence. To me, this boy is dead. But...my memories are not.

I will have no problems not seeing or talking to this stranger. This shell of a person I used to know. Still, moving back there has evoked emotions in me I thought to be extinct.

No not love. Regret. Hurt. Anger.

These emotions, I have learned, are not extinct only dormant. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and just stay in my apartment when I don't have to work. I wish I could say 'Fuck You' to the world and to love and to men...sometimes to friends.

People hurt other people. It is the human condition. These words I have heard spoken somewhere, though I can't remember where. And none ring more true to me now.

So I'm moving back to an old place in order to start a new life.

I'm not asking for much...

but if you could wish me luck? I would be your biggest fan.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First


(Picture from: http://customize.org/thumbnails/large/53383.jpg )

*Since this post, I have befriended Derrick again. I harbor absolutely NO hard feelings towards him and I am in fact very happy for his relationship with one of our long time friends 'Dallas'