So I'm starting over again. I said goodbye to the boy that treated me in ways I didn't deserve. He's going through a rough time and there was only so much trying I could do to be there for him. But how much rejection can a person really take before they simply give up?
Maybe he didn't tell me that he didn't want me to help him, or need me to help him. He just didn't return my calls or texts and didn't try in any way to contact me. And how am I to help him if I don't even know what's wrong?
I'm so bitter about the whole thing. I cared a lot about him - and that was thrown back into my face when I tried to stand up for myself. Still I can not place any blame on him for walking away, because I was the one who told him goodbye. I don't know if I got ahead of myself in thinking that I needed to act. Perhaps it was all some kind of misguided notion that I deserve better than to go more than 20 days without contact - not even a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. Perhaps I made it all about me, instead of all about him.
How much of myself can I give away before it's all gone? When is enough, enough? Can I not feel wronged and let him know about it? Why did it have to turn into such a big deal?
I ask these questions on my blog because I can not ask them to his face. I can't see him because he lives two hours away, I can't phone him because he has a new phone and I don't have the number, I can't write him because he's left home and doesn't have an address.
So I've got to accept that I did what I could. I've got to accept that I can't help everyone that I love and care about. I can't control the things that happen and the way that they occur. I can only control myself.
I didn't want to lose him - but I couldn't stand by and be left in the dark only to be picked back up when he needed me again. If a guy wants to see you or talk to you or if he cares about you he will make it happen. He will let you know. That's what I think.
Am I wrong to assume that I at least deserve something more than I got? Am I wrong in thinking that I've worked too hard and given too much NOT to deserve better?
Anyway, I'm starting over. I'm focusing on myself again because it's the only thing that I've got: me. I'm writing again and starting a work-out schedule and I'm looking for a second job. I'm going to go out with friends from work and I'm just going to enjoy every minute left of my summer. When the fall comes I'll work my ass off for the next four years and I'll get that much closer to my dreams and goals.
I'm not ready to think about romance or a relationship. I realize there are definitely some things I need to work on in myself: my over analytical mind, my irrational thoughts, etc. I know my downfalls and my faults. The tough part is to correct those things and to learn from the mistakes I've already made too many times.
It's not a matter of choice anymore - if I don't, I will lose the person I have been, forever. I will lose any sembelence of normalcy. I will become someone you don't recognize anymore, someone I never knew I could be.
I don't want to be angry anymore - as I have been for so long. I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I want to be happy again. I want to remember what a good day felt like.
As the days come, I'll take them one at a time. It's all that is within my power.
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First
(Picture from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/knpouk/3606551408/ and edited at: http://www.picnik.com/)
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