Decidedly Optimistic

For the first time in a long time I'm feeling...decidedly optimistic. Everything is running smoothly, I believe. And even if it's not, it sure feels like it.

I checked my email today and guess what? My blog is to be featured on http://www.verveearth.com/ !!! I'm really excited about it. They emailed me sometime back in May when I still had my other blog, but the MO is still the same for this blog, so I thought, why the heck not?

That being said, I'm going to take a moment and be a shameless website pimp and market my sites. Aside from this one, I have a role-playing forum that I just created not too long ago with my cousin. You can find it here. It has a fantasy role-playing game that involves magic and mystical creatures, and there's also a star trek RP on there. Bet you didn't know I was a bit Role-playing geek, did ya? (*snickers*)

Now that I have my apparant geekiness out of the way, I'll get to my regular posting material. I'm thinking about starting a podcast, although I'm not sure what it would be about. If I do get one started, I shall definitly let everyone know. Also I'm currently working on a novel. I've got part of Chapter 1 completed, and although it'll take a while for me to finish, I am really excited about it. It's always been a dream, and a life-long goal of mine to write a book and have it published.

Aside from that I've just been generally trying to enjoy my last few days/weeks before school starts. I've begun to feel like I'm ready to handle what the world has to throw at me. Do you know how amazing that is? To feel so bogged down, and so emotionally vulnerable and then all the sudden to just decide to let it go and enjoy life? Just let it go. That's all I had to do.

It puzzles me that I couldn't figure this out before. I've ultimatley decided to go with the flow, wherever my life leads me. New opportunities (like the one listed above) will crop up, and new people will come in to my life, and I know it'll be great. I don't know how I know, but I am positive that my life will be fine.

I'm sure I'll still complain a little bit along the way, but other than that, I will end up ok. And that's really all any of us want, I think. Is to know that their own lives will be validated through their own eyes and that they will be happy with what happens to them.

Constantly people make something of themselves from nothing, and those people? They chose to be happy in life, and in doing so, they changed their circumstances all on their own to become a success. Examples are all around you. and I think I'm about to become one as well.

In regards to my (non-existent) romantic life, I have decided to step out of the market for a while. I'm still not satisfied with my body, and I'm steadily working on changing that. I'm not unhappy by any means, because this issue doesn't consume my life, however I know that I'll view things differently when I'm done with this self-improvement endeavor.

If you're unhappy about something in your life, why just sit there and be unhappy about it? Do something about it, if you can! And most of the time, I've learned that you can. It just makes so much sense to do. The movie that drives this point home is "Wanted" with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. The song that drives this point home is "Open your Mind" by Melissa Etheridge (and really the last five or so songs of her album "The Awakening").

Everything, I must say, is alright with me. I'm happy again.

I'm decidedly...optimistic.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'll pack my bags and load up my guitar, in my pocket I'll carry my heart

Hey everyone, from the great state of Colorado. I'm here on a business trip with my mother, keeping her company. It's been fun so far. We drove the 8 hours it took us to get here, and then we checked in at the holidome. Usually the Holiday Inn is pretty well kept, especially the holidome, but this one SUCKED. It was old and rickety, the door didn't close or open very well. You could hear practically everything through the paper thin walls, and to top it all off the pool was closed. We did try to soak up the heat in the hot tub, but the temperature was so high I thought they were cooking us for dinner.

So we left and came to a different Holiday Inn. The pool isn't as big, but it's more clean and the hot tub doesn't try to fry your skin off. It's also a lot more modern looking. So I'm pretty happy about that.

Our dinner affairs have been pretty good, to me. The first night we were here we chose to eat at a local restaurant called "The Keg". It sounded like the inside would look much like the steakhouses at home: peanut shells on the floor, country music blaring, and cute rough and country cowboys serving you your steak with a wink. Nope, no such luck. Inside was a gorgeous uptown looking interior, belonging to some of the nicer eating establishments back home such as Kwan Court. They served us bread as an appetizer and the manager came over to welcome us and give us a free dish of shrimp with some sort of sauce, which I didn't touch because I like my shrimp breaded. Mom said it tasted like Shrimp sushi. We've also been to Outback, and Village Inn. I think we're going to a sushi place tonight, then to catch an early movie.

So yesterday was eventful...I got to stay at the hotel while my mother went to work. She said she would pop in and pop back out, just showing her face, except it wasn't like that. She was gone for about 5 hours. I mostly read and used the internet.

I don't think I mentioned but I'm going to be visiting family up in Oregon in the next week or two. That wouldn't be a problem ordinarily, except I forgot that I made plans with Derrick on the 19th.

Now let me explain. I'm leaving for college in the fall right? So I figured, one last chance to see him before I move on. But none of my friends really like him, so I decided we should have our own separate goodbye. So I invited him out on the 19th. Fast forward to yesterday. I texted him, after contemplating sending him a message on facebook. I felt it more appropriate to just text him, so I did, telling him I couldn't make it on the 19th and we'd have to reschedule. I also mentioned this cute guy that wasn't Alex that was sitting with him in his profile picture.

I asked questions naturally, because hey, Derrick might as well be SOME use to me right? So after he answers a few questions, I ask him if he could introduce me to the guy if he didn't have a boyfriend...and in reply Derrick says: "Actually he's kinda my boyfriend."

My jaw dropped, my chest ached and my throat tightened. What the fuck. I confronted him about Alex and he said that they were in an open-relationship and that it would take a long time for Alex to earn his whole heart back.

I was floored. Like I had been slapped. So they're seeing other people? All this time I was ok, because at least it was only Alex. At least I knew what I was up against, but this? This was new territory. I was angry and I wanted to call him and bitch him out.

I wanted to scream at him: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?"

I wanted to call and tell him I wasn't going to be his friend...and then that's when I realized something. I already wasn't his friend. I was just this person who used to be his friend, but was now in love with him. Desperately, deeply, and undeniably in love with him.

With that realization came a new conclusion. This wasn't the Derrick I knew. The Derrick I knew was loyal, believed in monogamy, was against smoking cigarettes and liked to spend most of his time at home playing video games and writing for his gaming blog. This new person, this social butterfly that juggles two guys at the same time and gets drunk on the weekends. This other Derrick I knew nothing about.

I came to know then that the Derrick I knew was gone. Alex saw to that. And chances are, he wasn't coming back.

Later that night I was eating dinner, across from my mother and we were talking. As we were my mind drifted to the course my life had taken since that fateful Valentines day. He shut the door on me that day, and no window opened in it's place. What's worse is, that metaphorically? It's a glass door, so I can see what is going on in his life but I can't break through. We're separated by sheets of lock and glass. He's made sure of that. To once have the key to that door and now be on the outside looking in? It hurts...so bad that you can't imagine the pain. To used to be a major part of each other's lives and then be shut out.

I am better than I was 6 months ago. I no longer need him in my life, because I've gone through the process needed to make my life about me again. But not needing him, and not wanting him are two separate things. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I've crossed over to the dark side with him already. I've already fallen for him, and so friendship to me would only be like torturing myself. Putting a cookie in front of my face when I'm on a diet. That's what it would be like.

So finally, and without any notice for him. I just simply turned my back on that glass door. It's still in my peripherals, sure. But not in my full line of sight. He will be in the back of my mind for god knows how long, but I've taken this final step towards ending the journey. Towards ending my torture. And I've taken it for no one else.

Finally, I've done something right, for me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim; I'm sad to say I miss my friends

"Why do I give my heart away to trash?" Emmett Honeycutt wonders aloud on my television screen.
I know what Emmett means when he says this, because I too give my heart to the unworthy. Except that's just it isn't it? We don't believe we're worthy of someone's love that will treat us right and do good by us.

I came to this conclusion tonight because I was thinking about Derrick. Yes, I still slip and do that sometimes. He's online right now, and I forgot that he and I are friends on msn messenger. I have my status set to "Appear Offline" automatically so he has no idea that I am on the internet. And besides feeling like a creeper, I feel like something far worse: unworthy.

I miss him, and I miss his friendship. But I only remember the good. I'm trying so hard right now to think about the reasons why I gave up our friendship. I know why. I've hashed and rehashed the issues right here in this very blog.

I went to KU's Freshman Orientation these past two days. Along with me came two of my very close friends. I had an ok time, but it was a lot of work on my part. Getting up early and filling out a lot of paperwork. I suppose I should start getting used to it.

But on the way home I was thinking about all that I was going to be leaving behind when I moved up to the University. I'm leaving behind some good friends, some good memories. I'm leaving behind...familiarity. I'm leaving behind...my old self. Can I make a confession? I'm scared.

Sure everyone's a little scared moving somewhere completely new...but on top of that fear is a sense of misdirection. I'm lost. I don't know where I am in my life. It's like I'm stuck in between my old life and my new one.

So sometimes I want to combine the two. How does this all connect, you ask? I was thinking about the going away party I am going to be hosting, and the guest list. Should I invite Derrick? It's a question that has been bothering me these past few days.

I don't have such romantic feelings for him anymore, per se. But what if he wants to bring Alex? I'm not ready for that. What if it's awkward? What if he shows up, takes one look around and then leaves?

I know what Mama S would say. She would say, "It doesn't matter honey, he's not worth it." or "You'll meet plenty of great guys in college, trust me."

But I can't help noticing my own behavior at Orientation. I was social at times, but others I was downright guarded. I think I make myself appear closed off and nonchalant because I don't want people to talk to me. I'm always thinking about what others are thinking about me. 'Oh he's too fat' or 'he's too much of a dork'.

I hate it. The feeling makes me want to crawl into bed and never come back out again. Something that's shocking me more to realize tonight, is this: It's not them whose thoughts I should be worried about. It's my own.

Those aren't their voices. They're mine. I'M the one who doesn't think I'm good enough.
Part of me wishes it wasn't that way, but I know that no one else can change that but me. And until then, I won't truly be content. Until I love myself, I can't know the love of others. Getting that love, is unfortunately, harder than writing it all out on a keyboard.

It's a sad day today. This day that I'm realizing I don't really love me. It was a sad day when I realized he didn't love me. I don't want to give my heart away to trash anymore, and I don't want to see it in the garbage ever again. The difference is, I can do something about one of the two people who don't love me.

The scary part is, if I could choose either one to love me, I don't know which one I would choose.

That's all.

-J.H.-