The Summer Wind

It's monday night and it SO does not feel like a monday night. It feels like a friday or sunday night.

Today was good. It was my first day on the job and I trained on register with another really nice girl named courtney, whom I'd seen previously at orientation.

I'm so scared that I'll forget something and then be fired and I don't know. I love this job, but after so long of not having a job and being able to be lazy all day, I just want to go back to that comfortable place on the couch in my pajamas and a glass of coke.

Now don't worry, I won't do that. Despite being frightened about losing my job, I like it there. I had SO much fun today learning to do register. I think I learn to do stock and replenishment tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. But as I said a job is a job and money is money. Money that I need badly. Not only that, but I need to get my big boy britches on and start having a positive attitude.

It's lonely here at the house. I'm alone and the silence is...deafening. I almost always have the television or radio on. It makes me feel like there's someone there to just keep me company. I know I should get used to this sort of thing in case I ever want to live alone. I just...I'm not that kind of person by nature. I love my friends and I love having people around to interact with. I'm just not the type to go places alone.

However, I'm doing everything I can to be responsible. Just the other day I dealt with an ant infestation all on my own. Using my own money and everything. I do the dishes and the laundry and I check the mail and I took out the trash. Oh and I clean up the place more now than ever. The little things like that help to build my confidence that I'll be ok.

Went to Borders with Tess (or T. I use the names interchangeably) today. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and I actually love it. We saw a cookbook there that would be perfect for the two of us: The Guide to College Cooking, to Feed you and your Friends. DON'T quote me on the title because it's paraphrased, but it was fantastic. The recipes looked delicious.

We had dinner at Granite City and (phew that was expensive) went to see Sex and the City (for the fourth time). Today in general was just a feel good day. I got off of work at about 1 p.m. So it was like an early day for me. Tomorrow should be the same. I'll be starting at 1 and ending at 3:30. Just in time to grab a quick bite and go for a walk or bike ride. I know, I lead such an interesting life.

Do you ever get this crazy and restless urge to just go out and do something? I do. Whenever I have a fun and eventful evening and it's over, I yearn to go wild and take a drive, smoke a cig and blast the radio. The problem is I have no place to go. Then I spend all evening sitting at home, eating or doing some other useless activity until bed time. Which I should have gone to bed about two hours ago. I just couldn't sleep.

Anyway, I got contacts today! I picked them up from my eye doctor, and they're just a tester pair, but I'm excited regardless. I look so fantastic in them, especially since the new straightener I bought contains the power of the sun and has kept my hair straight for four days through one straightening. It's insane.

I'm dressing better, looking better, I just need to get to feeling better. I'm sure once I settle into my job it'll be worth it in the end. Especially when I see that first paycheck. I felt really proud today, getting up and going to work. I don't even have to dress a special way, I just get up and go to work. It's actually a blessing. I know plenty of people who put on a uniform and hate it.

Derrick called me the other day and invited me to a party. I declined. And then he invited me out the next night and I also declined. He said Alex was going to be there, the second night. It was so...I don't know. It made me pity him. He's still caught in the game. He's still letting Alex run his life. When will those two learn their lesson? When will he? Alex will always have power over Derrick, because Alex left Derrick both times. If it were me, I could never trust the other person ever again.

It makes me appreciate the strides I have taken to make my life better. I think that's the difference between Derrick and I. He has made his life different, whilst I have strived to make my life better...and yes, there is a difference.

Looking back on the past summers of my life, I cannot remember one that has felt like this. In the way that, this summer, does not feel like summer at all. Maybe it's because I'm grown now. I've got a job and I'm going to go to college in the fall and I know that time is going to go by fast and soon a new change is going to be arriving and I can do nothing to stop it.

The hardest part of growing up is letting go of something you're used to and moving on with something you're not. I know I probably said that somewhere in my last blog, but it's true. If there is any message I leave to you all about childhood it is this: Cherish every moment, for they will soon be gone. The hours of the day will shorten and the worries will grow until soon you spend more time thinking about preparing for the next day than you do living the present one.

I always said that this would never happen to me. It has. Though not completely, because I am still conscious of it. Which means I can affect it, and change it. I'm still working out the finer details but, I do plan on getting the most out of my days.

The hour has grown late and I must retreat to my bed, but I leave knowing that I have given voice to my concern and recognized the importance of living my life to the fullest.

Thank you for being my witness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.