Metamorphoses

I'm hurt. I've been hurting, for a while now. Only I haven't been admitting it to myself. Because it's been more than six months and I should be over him. Everyone expects me to be over him. For so long, I've been telling myself that I'm moving on, and that I am working towards a better life for myself.

But for the past six months I've been hiding behind a facade of change and healing. I haven't been healing. I've been mourning. I've been mourning the death of myself. I've been clinging on to who I was, when I knew him, because it was just another way to keep him.

The truth is, I've been angry and bitter. About life. Where before I was happy and nonchalant to the point that I was carefree.

Except now I'm waking up. I can breathe again. It's been so long since I've felt...in control and alive.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way before.

I was watching 'My Best Friend's Wedding', and of course marveling at the amazing Julia Roberts, when it occured to me. I am Julia. So to speak. I am that girl. Who is still in love with the groom, and still waiting for him to realize that he's in love with me.

Except that moment doesn't come. He still marries Cameron Diaz, and she is still alone. And I sat there thinking to myself, that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be at his wedding, pining away for him, trying to make him see me. Because he doesn't see me. He hasn't for a long time.

That life ends for Julia, when the credits roll, but what of me? I can't just stay frozen forever in a period in my life where loving him is still ok. Because it's not.

The other day I cracked. I sent him a text message, because I was having a weak moment. We've been talking off and on, but mostly just because I start topics of conversation randomly. It just makes me feel...pathetic. I've allowed myself to become someone I don't recognize.

I've been blaming love and him for the longest time. I've hidden under a shroud of pain and hurt and used it, as an excuse, to stop living. To just give up.

I don't know why I'm so attached to him. I don't know why I can't just fucking let him go already.

But I've done it. I've realized it, for real this time. That I'm in a far worse place than I thought. That I can't just sit here and tell everyone through my blog that I'm over him and then be done with the matter. That's not how it works.

I haven't let myself properly deal with all of this. I shouldn't be talking to him! I should be telling him to fuck off if he comes within a five mile radius of me.

I was in the shower after the movie, and I just...lost it. That's when I knew. I had to change, I had to let him go, because there's a whole big world out there outside of Kansas. Outside of Wichita, outside of loving him...something that was apart of my world for two and a half years.

All these years, I've been catering to other people. I've been...loyal, nice, true, honest, helpful (to the point where it becomes a hindrance to me.) And while it is good to have these traits in spades, I can no longer push myself aside for others.

I've been existing for 18 years now. I haven't lived a single day.

It feels like, all my life I've been waiting for something to happen that changes my world, that makes everything technicolor where before it was black and white.

I'm 18 and I don't know who I am. Not completely. Or at least...I haven't allowed myself to become who it is that I really am inside, because I don't know...some part of me was afraid that nobody would love the real me. Including myself, if I got to know myself.

So that's changing now. I don't know why this happened, I don't really know how...but I thank god that it did.

I am going to spend the rest of my time on this earth, however long that may be, discovering who I really am, and just...being.

I'm not going to worry about love or hate, I'm not going to stress because I got a $20 parking ticket or I didn't get my math homework done. I'm just going to be.

Tomorrow, when I wake up. I'm going to smile, thank god that I opened my eyes, and I am going to be content in the knowledge that I am ok.

Hello world.

This is me. This is my metamorphoses.

J.H.

Off to get a good ole' edeekashun.

Well I'm here. I'm in lawrence now, and I'm officially living 'on my own'. Of course it would be more official if I wasn't living with my sister...but then I wouldn't have my own room, so I don't really mind.

I can't believe it. I'm in college! The feeling is...so weird. In a few years I'll be where Carissa's at: Ready to graduate with a degree and start a job in the 'real world'. I'm interested to discover in which ways I will grow. I can't wait to meet new people and get involved in awesome activities.

I already miss my friends back in Tal-Town. Go figure. But I'll see them again, when I visit them or they visit me. It's strange to think that they won't be a central part of my life anymore. A lot of things are strange these days.

It feels so weird to call this place home. A place that I've only ever visited and never really thought about living. I'm still completely lost when it comes to streets and all that. I guess it'll take me awhile before I'm as good as Carissa at navigating Lawrence.

Xander takes some getting used to. I miss my Denver though. For some reason, Xander looks odd to me, and Denver is just sooooo cute. I won't miss him waking me up at 9 in the morning though. Whimpering because he's stuck in his crate. I always went to let him out because the way he sounded, it was like we were kicking him instead of putting him in a crate with a blanket and toys. Spoiled little thing.

I'm so anxious for classes to start. I wish they were already beginning, but I found out that they don't start until Thursday. Bleh. I guess now I'll have time to really unpack, at my own pace, and set everything up. I do, after all, have a reputation to create...being a responsible student and all.

T's here already too! That's a plus. She's a great friend of mine, and she's taking band so they make her come up here early. Tee! Tomorrow she said she wanted to have lunch with me! WOOT, and we get to watch Queen of the Damned, which I have never seen...which is apparantly a crime in her books. lol.

I finished Breaking Dawn about a week ago! Oh goodness I love the Twilight series. If you have not read it yet, GO! READ. NOW. Remember, the Twilight series by Stephanie Myer. Of course it's a teenager's book about a human falling in love with a vampire, but I liked it. It was intriguing.

I feel like I have nothing to do here though. That's a bit of a problem. I don't know anyone, except Yace, Carissa and Jules. Bleh. I love the girls to death, but Carissa and Jules are working girls. What am I to do all day, till I get a job and start school???

I'm saving up for a new phone. I want to get like a PDA/Palm Pilot type phone. I already went and picked it out at the verizon store, and it's about $170. I've got $50 of that though, thanks to one of dad's friends who sent me graduation money. :D And I think it'll be nice to have something to call my own as well, that I bought with money I saved.

I could've bought it if Mom hadn't have gone away for that entire month that I had to feed and entertain myself...and fix her ant problem, and go grocery shopping. Let me tell you what, seeing that I spent most of my money on that, bites the big one. For reals.

I always feel guilty when it comes to money though. I hate hate hate it when my mother has to transfer money because I'm close to getting an overdraft fee or something. I always feel so careless...and then starts the thoughts of me not being able to handle money, and never being able to make it on my own when I don't have her there to help me. *sigh*

So that's why I'm getting a job as soon as I can. So that she doesn't have to worry about that stuff, and Carissa either. I can help out with the internet bill and the groceries. And I can stock the fridge with whatever I want. Of course I'll ask that they not touch certain items, but I'll share too. :D

I guess the only thing left to do now, besides unpacking I mean, is to find a decent chinese place.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First