And ok, I totally don't have any problems sleeping alone. But first let me tell you why I'm blogging today.
Last night a good friend of mine (whom I shall refer to as 'T') came over and we watched 'Sex and the City' all night. I had a fabulous time and of course I'm beefing up for the sequel set to hit theaters this month. We baked cupcakes and shopped for beauty products and just generally had the kind of night single girls (and their single gay husbands) live for.
The problem came when we went to bed. (haha.) I usually sleep alone since I am single and have been for about...oh...my entire life. As I was lying there I smiled to myself and realized for the first time in a very long time that I love my life. I'm not in the perfect place and I don't have a lot figured out. But I'm living here and I'm living now - and I have never felt more alive. I have never felt more at peace. I am safe in the knowledge that I will be ok no matter what happens next.
Not only do I have a strong supportive network of friends and family but I have the inner strength to carry me through practically anything. Watching the Ultimate Single Gal Carrie Bradshaw scurrying down the street to catch a cab or even a late movie by herself really inspires me. I have come to love my city just as Carrie loves New York. Well I love it enough for it to be my home while going to college. Mass Street reminds me of a miniature New York street. Bums asking for money, new restaurants and cute shops all over the place. It's full of adventures waiting to happen and favorite haunts to be found.
Anyway back to my night. 'T' has this quirk about her when she's sleeping. Let me tell you that it is not her only quirk but it is the one that sticks out most in my mind. She plays with her mouth in a way that makes a sound which drives me absolutely bonkers. I have to wear earphones when she sleeps over. But she also hogs the covers and tosses and turns alot. All of these habits she is aware of and totally gets it that they can be bothersome. I, of course, do not hold these things against her I'm just stating some facts.
So due to a mixture of these circumstances I found myself unable to sleep. My stomach was growling because I had skipped like all three of my meals today (not on purpose!) It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't planning my meals in advance. I'm a sucker for food. It's how I got my gut at such a young age (which I am now thankfully reducing very slowly by sheer will and exercise.) In any case I got up and put on the first jacket and hat I could find in the dark and headed for the door.
I was only going to grab a McDouble from the drive through (thru?) but I was in no such luck. The first one I went to was closed and the second required cash. I was pissed and hungry at 4 in the morning. I made the first stop I could which was at a local 24 hour restaurant that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner all day long. I ordered myself a big burger with lots of fries and I went to town. It was one of the best burgers I've had in a while. I won't say in my life because that would be untrue. Not to say that I remember the best burger of my life but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. It's kind of like a man - you can tell these sorts of things.
But somewhere amid my quest for food I found myself in a New York State of Mind. I was going through my current personal life status and analyzing why it is the way that it is. I have only ever loved two boys (I say boys because they weren't men to me.) in the past four years. I have never been in a relationship in my entire life. Somewhere the math wasn't adding up.
I'm looking for love. Or at least I have been ever since I was indoctrinated into society's ideals about love. I believe in soul mates and the whole 'someone for everyone' theory. Maybe these people never find each other and instead spend their lives with others who fill the void quite adequately. People who can have something just as valuable or meaningful as if they were with their soul mates. Except I've been screwed over by every guy I have ever even liked. That's a true story.
I admire Samantha Jones for her courage, honesty, and in-your-face unapologetic lifestyle. She keeps herself distant from men...but from what 'Sex and the City' has shown us of her character I believe it to be born from self protection. She was burned once before by love. She even gave it a second try with Richard Wright. In the end love proved to be a fickle bitch that was definitely not on Samantha's next V.I.P. list.
Let me go further into speculation land and analyze the lifestyles and choices of Samantha and of Charlotte. I think I used to be a 'Charlotte' when it came to love. I'm a different person now. My views and idealogies have changed quite a bit over the past year. I think I'm now more of a Samantha. She has money and great friends and of course plenty of stimulating pleasure from men. She has 'made it' as she put it in one episode. I truly believe that she had. A lot of people spend a lot of their lives trying to gain even ONE of those three things at all, let alone maintain such aspects.
In 'Sex and the City: The Movie' Charlotte has a quote that I particularly find interesting. She says, "I have everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy, I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything they want. Look at you...look at Miranda. You're such good people and look what happened to you. Of course something bad is going to happen to me."
Now what I find interesting is that...she did it too. She got everything that she wanted. Charlotte had made it too. So when we work towards getting the things that we want, are we to assume that our own hearts and minds decide if we fulfill our destiny? What if Samantha has a soul mate? She's shut off to men emotionally and so she would never know.
My heart of hearts tells me that I am still a little bit of Charlotte inside. I am a different person now...someone more like Samantha. I don't trust men. I don't really believe in 'Love' (when it comes to the whole significant other thing) because I have never had it returned to me by a man that I love.
These thoughts brought me to do a little research. One of the things to know about me is that I like to google weird phrases. Like, "I have never been kissed." or "I am afraid to date." Basically I put my feelings into search engines (by the way, both of the above statements are just examples and are not actually anything that I feel or have not done.) and see how many others have put that phrase out there. Anyway, I typed: "I am 20 and have never been in a relationship."
(My 20th is looming fast on the horizon.)
It turns out that I am most certainly not alone. With all the relationships that I have been around I had seriously convinced myself that I was some abnormality of nature. That I obviously wasn't meant to be in a relationship if I haven't already had one. So what if my 'Samantha' attitude just puts me further off the love track? Is it wrong for me to feel the way I do? For me to want Love to prove itself to me? For a man to show me that not all of them are scum?
I think that if it is meant to be, there will be a way for it to happen. I believe that even the toughest of my 'Samantha' beliefs could be overturned by 'Love' if I am meant to find it. But the Charlotte in me is still a little afraid that if I am not a cheerleader for love, it will not win me any games.
At this point I went online and checked every dating site I had ever registered for (ones I hadn't visited in four or five months.) No turn up. It seems that even online I was still wearing my man-repellant. But everything else around me seemed the same even though I had changed so much. The men I have seen, met, observed and experienced in clubs, bars and chat rooms have all been the same: egotistical, self-centered, and sex oriented. In other words not what I am looking for in a man who would potentially wear the title of my boyfriend.
I guess I can sum this post up in a quote from Emmett Honeycutt on Queer as Folk: "Are there any real men left?" and if there are will I be too closed off to them to find the one that is right for me?
Something to think about.
That's all.
-J.H.-
(Picture from: http://www.sciencenews.org/pictures/112208/itch_mainimage_zoom.jpg)
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