Tales of a Young Gay Diva

What's in...

2011-09-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

What is in time? What's in a year?

My last post was about the desperation and the anxiety...the fear...I had once felt. An alarmist because I thought the gay community was coming under new and undue persecution. But I no longer feel that way. I have since learned that there have always been such attacks, such measures taken to ensure we, as a community, are thought of as subhuman or inherently less than. We have always had to fight and we've always had to endure. I know that now.

So much was going through my mind at the time and I did feel like I was going a little crazy. Maybe I was. But since taking time from KU, I've learned a few things and I've come to new perspectives. My initial goal was to raise money to go back to KU. When I did not know - I'm still not entirely certain. But by December I should have about $1800 in the bank to use at my disposal, maybe more if I can get a job that I'm angling for. By December is when I'll feel ready to come back, but the question remains for me: will I?

I want to, don't get me wrong, I do. I love KU. I love everything about Lawrence. This year, however, has given me some time to think about how the world would view me. How some in my social circle would view me. How some people's parents might view me. How can I be judged because I struggled a little more with school than others?

There's a beautiful quote from Twilight: Eclipse during the graduation scene and it's Jessica speaking and she says,

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. When we were ten, they asked again and we answered – rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how ’bout this: who the hell knows?!

"This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions, its the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love – a lot. Major in philosophy ’cause there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”

How's that for truth? Imagine this: This year where I haven't been in school (except of course online), and where I've had to raise my own money or forge my own way...be lost for a little while...to fail a little bit...I wouldn't trade it for the life of anyone else. I wouldn't trade it back so that I may be perceived as not being a slacker, or serious. I wouldn't trade it back for the expectations of the world around me. Because when I finally do finish school and when I look back later in life, I can say "Yeah, I know I am where I'm supposed to be." Because I struggled to get there. Because I let a little sweat drip from my brow. Because I made the mistakes I made and learned the lessons I learned.

I won't be afraid to take the opportunities that come my way, and deny the ones that aren't for me. I won't be putting on a show and I won't be pretending to be something I'm not for somebody else. I don't think I did that, but maybe just a little. I was going to live with Tess this August, should I have been able to stay in school, but her father had a rule that I had to be going to KU in order for this to happen. When I found out I couldn't possibly stay in Lawrence, this ended that plan. It saddens me because she was one of my best friends, the only person I could rely on for mature, sane, good clean fun. She gave me so much and I relied on her heavily...and now I'm afraid we've drifted apart. We're in separate places, doing different things, living different lives for the time being. She'll be graduating within the year. I'll just be starting my real education at KU. [More on this after the next paragraph.]

I'm worried for our friendship by that. Logic tells me we shouldn't have to live the same lives to be the same kind of friends we were. Reality tells me I might be wrong. I haven't seen or spoken to Tess in months. I have no idea what's going on in her life. Nor she with mine.

Which leads me back to KU. Here's the thing. I've written a book and I'm going to start on the sequel really soon. I've had it looked at by two people thus far and they're saying they love it. I've also gotten some great constructive criticism on it. I want to get it published. I submitted query letters to four agents and none have requested to see more of my work. My next step is to send it out to publishers but...I'm also considering self-publishing. Invariably this leads me back to December. If I have $1800 in my bank at my disposal, I wonder if I should take a risk and use it to put myself on a book tour after self-publishing my book. And THEN go back to school. This truly is the time for something like that. The time to make mistakes, the time to chase dreams (although I don't see myself ever stopping chasing my dreams) and go for the gold.

In an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw said, "I wanted to be a writer, so I made myself a writer. I want a pair of shoes, I find a way to buy them." That kind of grit is exactly what I'm talking about. I have it inside me; I just have to use it. In a writer's digest book they say, "One thing to know: Don't quit your day job." So yes, I can write and go to school at the same time. The question is all about the timing, the choices. Go to school for a semester and THEN go on a book tour, or go on a book tour and THEN go to school?

I guess this is what they mean when they say life throws you curve balls. I just wish I had a sign. A shoulder to lean on and a friend to give me the kind of advice I need. I know I'll be fine no matter what I choose, and if one decision doesn't work out I can just make another one to change it, but I can know that in my head and still feel that fear in my heart.

For now, I will continue to pursue passion and happiness and life with all my vigor.

And to you: Thank you for reading this.

That's all.

Sincerely,

J.D.

A Note of Aggravation

2010-11-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have a bone to pick, that I was trying to avoid picking. I don't like airing dirty laundry on the internet and let me be clear that this is not for that purpose. This is to express something I need to get off my chest. Something that has been plaguing me for days, maybe even a week or two now.

I, being a concerned member of the GLBT community in L-town, messaged the sponsor of the University Gay/Straight Alliance about arranging a voting initiative and having a forum to discuss the recent slew of suicides in the community. As a student with legitimate concerns, I voiced my opinions and waited for a response.

Four days later I had to message Tasha A. (whose name I have changed to protect her privacy) to even get a response from her. All the message responding to me contained were a couple of lines, basically saying she was busy and would talk with the president of the group as soon as possible (that week, she said.)

But hearing nothing further from her, I have gathered that I am not important. My voice isn't important. My opinions and thoughts are not valued.

It may seem extreme to draw that conclusion from such a simple exchange, yet that is how she made me feel. Without a voice, without a sphere of influence, without power. I thought we were supposed to stick together, I thought we were supposed to feel welcome, that we matter.

I don't feel any of that at the moment. And it is because of her blatant indolence. Maybe she was feeling a level of torpor from her rigorous schedule - I understand that I am not the only busy one. But when I go to a University Official and voice an opinion and a suggestion and a possible course of action, I expect a different response than utter uncaring.

So Tasha, if you are reading this, I hope that this was a one-time thing. I hope that you meet others with concerns and you champion them. Because I looked up to you and I looked to you for guidance. It's okay, my constitution is stronger than previously thought, and I can stand on my own in the face of this shattering of my faith in you - but I am disappointed. I expected more from you.

And maybe I expected too much.

But I don't think I was asking too much.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

(Photo From: http://www.cpoy.org/past/57/cat_10/10-01/cat10_01-01.html)

Going...Crazy?

2010-10-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm going crazy or something. I don't know what it is. I feel restless and like something is bubbling over. Something...

I feel as though I am on the cusp of something big and ominous. Maybe I am having some sort of emotional inner turmoil related to some issues in the past, like the three bedroom with Carissa and Erica. But if that is all that's bothering me, why do I feel like at any moment I'm going to have to take up arms and fight for my life?

If you've been keeping up with this blog you'll know that I've had the feelings of being an alarmist for quite some time now. It's died down, ebbed and flowed out of my life like a soft tide, but every so often it comes back again. As if I should be on alert or something.

Everywhere I look there are headlines about another gay suicide or LGBT harrasment. I see emails and news stories about the right-wing conservative groups "National Orginization for Marriage," and the "Family Research Council," and I see them spew their hate or anti-LGBT propaganda. It makes me sick. They can hate us in the streets, they can hate us in their churches, they can hate us on television and they get away with it.

How do I protect myself from this hate? I know that I must love as they hate, as strongly and in fact more strongly than they ever could, because that's something in my power. But what else? I can vote. I can picket. I can get involved.

Getting involved also scares me. I don't know why. I know that the haters are out there, even in so liberal a town as L, and I can't help but feel like the on-going mass of chaos surrounding issues like "Don't ask, Don't Tell," and the continued bullying and suicides of LGBT teens everywhere are attracting attention and violence like a lightning rod.

The giants on both sides are facing off. Godzilla and Mothra are battling - without a second thought to Tokyo. I feel as if I am in Tokyo and there is no place to hide; no where is safe.

It is not because of my sexuality that I feel this way or any other kind of excuse that the 'Family Research Council' would love to tout in their speeches...it is because of those like them. Those who would rather see me dead than homosexual. Those who would - and one day might - use their very hands to stuff me into an oven because I am gay.

When a gay person feels that they have no other options or that their lives will never be joyful because of the fear and harrasment that permeate their every thought and waking moment then something isn't right. We already know something isn't right. These suicides are a call from above for action and solution. No one deserves to feel like they are somehow wrong or inferior.

Yet with each conservative speech and each religious leader's damning remarks, that is how each and every gay person is made to feel. Like second class citizens, like dirt, the scum of the world.

And what are they damning homosexuals for? Love.

We as gay people only want the freedom to love those who we have found a bond with, without fear of harm, harrasment, death, hatred, censure or reprisal. We want to enter into a union that all heterosexuals can enter into on a whim. A heterosexual can go to vegas with a stranger and get plastered before getting hitched. And yet, tax paying, law abiding citizens who are homosexual and already have committed and loving relationships, can NOT.

There are lots of things that I would like to see happen. DADT repealed, A crack down on hate crimes, equal marriage rights for homosexual citizens, and for it to not feel like Nazi Germany everytime I turn on the tv to watch CNN or FOX. For it not to feel like Nazi Germany everytime something like Proposition 8 passes, or when I read headlines on the internet about some new radical idea to 'cure gays.'

WAKE UP AMERICA.

Or you may wake up to find that one day, your liberties are at risk too.

Thank God for your rights and recognition under the law - thank God that you will never have to fight as we have to fight, just for an inch of liberty in a country with a very harmful brand of hate, which threatens to culminate and erupt at any moment.

Wake up.

(Photo from: http://technabob.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/fire1.jpg)

Some Kind of Meaning

2010-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

I don't really have a point or a message for this post. I just sort of felt like writing I think.

I was getting off of the bus from campus to my apartment complex and this butterfly followed me in through the gates and landed on my hand as I was walking to my building.

Now I have a thing about butterflies. I love them and they're sort of my signature thing. I pick a lot of myspace layouts (haha, laugh at that, I know) because they feature beautiful butterflies, and I believe in a symbolistic nature behind them - once I even picked a birthday card for my sister over another option because it had butterflies on it. I liked the cards the same, but the deciding factor was the butterfly. I just think they are a magical creature.

My 'coming-of-age' experience is one that I prefer to liken with that of a butterfly growing from the cocoon. I don't know why but I've always had this reverence for them and their beauty. Anyway, back to today's story. I let it sit for a moment and as I was approaching my building I shook it off. I didn't really mean to do it that hard and don't worry nothing happened to the butterfly itself, it just flew away. But I sort of wish I hadn't done that. I know I wouldn't have carried it on my hand all the way into my apartment but still...I can't help but be a little regretful.

This is the second time in the last few months that a butterfly has landed on me. Nothing of great significance seems to happen afterwards and maybe it really means nothing; a realist might certainly agree with that last statement. But I'm a believer in the mystical. There are a lot of things that the human mind can't explain or random occurences that can't be called 'average' or 'normal'. Besides, what fun would life be without a little intrigue and mystery? You can't have it all figured out or what's the point?

On the bus ride home I was thinking about society and how we're all programmed to behave a certain way and think a certain way - and if you don't believe that, then you've already succumbed to the limits that society has imposed on you and your life. That may be fine for some people, but I'd like to think that life from an individual viewpoint must be figured out. You must decide for yourself what you accept as truth and what you don't, especially about the world you live in. But it is a process to do so and whatever the end result, is how you make it from one day to the next, and on until the end of your life.

This line of thinking happens to me often when I come fresh out of a 'Sociology of the Family' class session. So much of what we do and how we are today as a generation of the world are results of how people used to think and how we've had to decide as a people what was acceptable and what isn't. This is an ever-changing process. New children are born, and the children of previous generations are now parents. Parents who decide what they teach their children and what morals, values and skills they instill in them as well. It is then up to the children to go out into the institutions of socialization and share what their parents have taught them. They find a group of children and they attach themselves to one another based on the similar ideas or maybe even the completely different ideas that they are exposed to. This new generation of children grow up and go out into the world and rock, shape and challenge the mold set by their predecessors.

I am a self-described optimist. I'd like to believe that one day, we'll see the end of world hunger, the start of world peace, the curing of Cancer and AIDS, the decline and extinction of things like rape and murder. I know these are lofty ideas - and they seem that way because we live in a world rife with all of this chaos - but one thing I can still hold onto is that it may not be plausible, but it is entirely possible. That one standing fact is all I need. I can get from one day to the next with that knowledge.

Every person wants to believe their life will mean something. As Bobby Singer says in the television show 'Supernatural': "Most people go their entire lives without moving so much as the dirt it takes to bury them." That really strikes a chord with me. I want my life to mean something. I want someone in the future...maybe a politician, or an environmentalist, or maybe the president, to look at my life and be inspired in theirs to do more, to be more. Now even if that doesn't happen, I still know that I've done something that can have an impact on those around me. I've chosen my optimism, and my principles and my ideals and I try to live for them. If someone can turn their day around because of something I've said, or if they can pass on a good deed because I did one for them, then I'm happy with that. I've made some small difference for someone, somewhere.

That's all I really want. That's all I can really hope for.

All we can really do is love one another.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/photos/2007/08/butterfly_yellow-flowers_01.jpg)

The Never-Ending Adventure of My Life

2010-09-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back! In more ways than one. I am back at school - to the University that I had been dismissed from. I am so proud of myself because I know a lot of people had their doubts that it would happen. Even I did.

But I tried my best and worked my hardest and lord did it pay off. Now I just have to continue doing that. Life should be gravy right now. And for the most part it is. I just focus on school and work on getting my GPA to an acceptable level.

I have still been working on myself - after a short hiatus when trying to get back into school - and I'm a little rusty. I'm pretty much happy with everything except my body, although I will say that I'm not completely dissatisfied in that area, and that in itself is an accomplishment.

Aside from all of that I'm starting to get serious about my writing. I wrote a short piece and I contacted the Liberty Press to see if I couldn't get it published. I don't even know if they do reader submitted content, but I thought I would give it a try. Also my book is taking shape. I'm figuring out a few things and fleshing out the details and starting to really hunker down for the long haul. So far it looks like I have 16 chapters planned, but that could definitely change. It will be near 300 pages by my estimate but then again I don't know what it will look like in print so that is definitely something that will change.

I've gotten in touch with a few friends from my past and mainly I'm pretty happy. Erica and I aren't really talking all that much. She lives in Tal-Town now and every day I feel like we're drifting farther apart. She is so different from the person I thought she was. I miss the person she used to be. I think I could learn to like the person she is becoming, but I can't really say that because I don't exactly know who that is. I just hope that she knows I am always there for her and always willing to help. We've changed so much in the recent past, both of us as individuals I mean, that it's like we have to become reacquainted again.

I know that something that hasn't changed is our ability to have fun together - and maybe that's what I should focus on. After all life is short.

Speaking of...the other day I was watching the History Channel (which it turns out is a bad idea for me because I end up feeling like an alarmist afterwards) and they were doing a series special on Nazi's Past and Present. The one about white supremacists today just got me really...worried. I mean these people are training in camps with guns and in hand-to-hand combat for 'the final race war.' Lunatics with guns are never a good combination. But seriously why is there so much hatred in the world? Isn't there enough crap to deal with without worrying about someone being black or who is supposedly 'better'? Let's get real and focus on issues like world hunger or curing cancer. Maybe then the world would be a better place. It's just that every time I turn on the news something new and more horrific is happening.

Did you all hear about the pastor that is going to burn copies of the Quran on September the Eleventh? Why is that friggin necessary? Honestly people, America was founded on religious freedom. And yes, the pastor has a constitutional right to do what he is doing, but my question is WHY? Why is it such a problem to that pastor that he must burn a nation's holy text? How would he feel if Islamic people burned the bible? I bet he'd feel pretty pissed off. It seems that everyone forgets to 'walk a mile in someone else's shoes,' once in a while. I will never lose my compassion.

I will love because they hate. I will give because they are selfish. I will not fight because they take up guns.

Honestly the world is feeling a little bit darker everyday and even though it's a scary thing, I am going to try and continue to bring light to my little corner of the world. Someone has got to. Someone has got to try and stop the hatred and the violence. I will become the change I want to see in the world.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox!

Anyway I met a really decent guy recently named Dirk (not his real name, lol). He and I started out chatting over the internet after I read an ad that said he was moving to L-town, and we hit it off. But we met and have had a few dates and I just don't feel the spark. The 'It-Factor', the 'zsa zsa zsu.' It isn't there. Which sucks because he is pretty much everything I have ever thought I wanted in a guy. But even though it isn't working out, I was reminded that good guys are out there. Which was really nice to feel. We kissed and he cuddled with me and it felt nice to know that human touch. I haven't had that in a long while.

Money is sort of stressing me out right now. I have two different debts that I'm trying to pay off. One from the three bedroom I shared with Erica and Carissa; the other from my credit card. The credit card isn't very high and I can pay that one off soon. Thanks to me, the lawyer debt from the three bedroom has been reduced by about $5,000. But there is still about $7,000 left on it. I think I did my duty to that debt by having it lowered, but I still have to pay. Ugh. I'm working on a very tight budget and my mother just took me off overdraft protection from her credit card. I had been sort of abusing it, I will admit, but not for frivoulous self-serving purposes.

Oh well, I know it will all work out how it is supposed to in the end.

I am still an optimist.

And isn't that an acheivement in itself?

:)

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

(photo from: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1q7fj2dCxP8/Svo6w97L6yI/AAAAAAAAAAs/IG7Uycv7n9s/s320/ab_life55.gif)

The Heart of the Matter

2010-07-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

What is at the heart of humanity? Like the many veins and passages of the heart, it may not be one simple matter. Things may be connected, just as we human beings are connected. I truly believe that.

I'm sitting here writing this post because a lot has been on my mind lately. As you may or may not know, I have been on a journey in my recent life. A journey to explore and discover and live and proclaim. I want to find my truth and live it to the fullest. I want to spread as much love as I can to those that I can.

I could spend my life doing this. In fact, it is my plan to. What nobler plan is there than that?

But I didn't sign on to talk about nobility or even myself. I wanted to talk about humanity and the nature of it. I am consoling a friend through text right now because she has just been shut out by a woman she thought she would spend her life with. The two of them are my friends, one more so than the other, but still I am here for both of them.

My problem is: how are two such beautiful people (I'm speaking about inner beauty here, though they are both gorgeous) tangling each other up in a mess that makes them want to hurt themselves? How can people do that to one another?

I think that if people reflexively told the truth the way that they...ate food...or took a breath...then things would be much simpler. Instead people lie to each other and in the end someone if not everyone gets hurt. People say they care, when they don't. They say they love someone when in reality they hate the very thought of being with that person. All in the name of one thing or another. To save face or to keep the peace.

Except the only thing one accomplishes by doing this is to further complicate and further hurt those around them.

This is not new age philosophy or even self-help jargon. This people, is pure hard fact. In fact many new age ideas can really be seen for what they are when you study them: old age philosophy. Old ideas are being remembered by modern man all the time now. Old ideas are resurfacing and because we have lost touch with the wisdom presented to us we have labeled it 'new age.' Well for humanity's sake I do hope there really is a new age coming because the old one simply isn't working anymore.

We buy computers and hook up internet so that we stay connected. The first words out of people's mouths who have just become friends are: "Do you have a facebook?" "Do you have a myspace?" And the answer is usually yes. But what if it was no? Would that be the end of the line for that particular friendship? Or could we possibly live without all that stuff which we say makes our lives easier in lieu of doing as the world does and embracing it?

Where are the days when you knew all of your neighbors on your street? Where are the days when you said hello to the mail man or smiled at someone as you let them pass you on the highway? If that is old think then I want everyone to remember those ways. I want us to be able to connect with each other the way we used to and still have the same liberties that we have fought so hard for through history. The perfect combination of old and new.

I know by now you are all thinking that I have gone on a tangent but I want you to seriously consider the things you don't do and why you don't do them. Then I want you to think about what would happen in your life if you did do them.

An example for you:

My father asked me to attend a fourth of july gathering at my Uncle's house. I have much distaste for family functions when it comes to my father's side. Simply because it always felt like a chore and because when I was a kid I felt like I wasn't incorporated into the family bonding. The adults would sit and drink beers and sing karaoke and at the time I had no interest in any of that. Partly it was my fault because I used to be painfully shy and low on self esteem. I was chubby and shiny and more importantly I felt like an outsider because I am gay.

Instead of saying no or not responding, I told my father that I would go. On the day of the event I seriously considered skipping out and driving down to Tal-Town to see my mother. Except I thought...if I don't go, this will be one more reason that my father shouldn't believe in me. This will be one more reason for him to be bitter. This will be one more thing he remembers and holds against me about the past. And I don't want to do that to him.

I want him to know that I am truly hoping for a better relationship with him. I want him to know that I am no longer a child but I am an adult. An adult who sticks to his word and who faces the things he doesn't always want to face.

So I went. I drove the one and a half hours it takes to get there and I was welcome by a chorus of my name being shouted happily by relatives. I was making these people happy by being there. I was making conversation and catching up with almost all of my aunts and uncles and cousins. Even though I originally didn't want to go, I was glad that I had.

I drank beer and I sang karaoke but more importantly I gave my father something to believe in.

What if we could do that for strangers too? Well...we can.

We can give complete and utter strangers hope for humanity itself if we could all just remember to be a little nicer to those around us. Karma, justice, doing to others what you would want done to you...these are all matters under the same name.

Here's my thought for the day. You get in what you put out. If you radiate happiness and positivity then I honestly believe that you will make not only yourself happier but those in your life will be happier because of it.

I'll get off of my soap box now but...keep me in your thoughts and I'll do the same.

That's all.

-J-

(picture from: http://maikanhill.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/dark-heart.jpg)

For My Querida

2010-06-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here with an iced coffee - and no not from Starbucks - but from my own kitchen. It doesn't look as fancy as this picture to your left does, but it tastes every bit as good I'm sure.

I'm basically writing this post for T who is studying abroad and whom I miss terribly. So querida this is for you.

Mostly I've been doing homework. I mean boat loads of homework. And there's more coming too. I'm very sick of looking at a computer screen all day because my courses are all online. I'm taking two right now but I've been focusing on only one. My math course.

I'm taking Intermediate Algebra and once I'm done with that, I'll be able to enroll in college algebra. Let me tell you that I'm going to work my a** off to get both of these courses done within the first two weeks of July. This is because today or tomorrow is when I'll submit my application for readmission to KU.

It's a lofty goal and I know that timing is everything with this, but I know I can do it. The thing will be if KU can *recognize* that I can do it. Which I hope they do. If I put in all of this work for nothing then I will be severely upset and probably have a mental breakdown. Seriously.

I want this so bad and I've worked so hard and continue to work hard. If there is any justice in the world I will get back in. Of course there have been a lot of injustices happening to me lately. I received a court summons for the $11,000 fine on the three bedroom apartment that I used to live in with Carissa and Erica.

All of this over a three bedroom that I opted to get of because I didn't want to live in HELL anymore. Sometimes I wonder how the people at F.R. (the initials to the complex I used to live in) can sleep at night. We were young - or at least Erica and I were - and we don't have any money to speak of and here they are trying to squeeze every last penny (that we don't have!) out of us. I mean it's a college town...could they just let it go already?

It's weird that they are calling us to court in the first place because Carissa has been paying on it and I'm about to join her in that. Erica has no income and they have no information on her so they can't call or harass her. But the court date stands until the balance is paid in full. Well good luck people. Cause there's no way we can pull that kind of money out of our butts. No. Way.

In other news I've just been trying to keep up with exercising. I stopped doing it for about a week because I've been so busy with school but now I'm noticing the affects of that. My family must store more fat than otters. I'm genetically cursed. Oily skin, low metabolism, etc.

It could be looked at as a good thing because if I didn't exercise I'd go out of my mind here. Erica left for Tal-Town not too long ago and it's been boring without her. No Erica and no Tess. What is a guy to do?!

Writing has been going dismally. Mainly because I haven't had the time. School takes priority of course. Which I think is a travesty because the world is being deprived of my much needed genius :p But seriously I am itching to write even when I can't. I'm working on a novel and I wanted to have it complete by August but I realized that would be impossible so I pushed the date back to December. That way my book can hit shelves a year later at Christmas and every man, woman, and child will get one for the holidays.

Anyway my darling, if you're reading this, I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to see you again so I can tell you these things in person.

That's all.

-J-

(Picture from: http://amberdesire.com/)

The Only Thing That Stays the Same is Change

2010-06-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

The quote on the picture says: "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."

I woke up early this morning - I have a sore throat and I think I'm just getting over a cold which is not fun. Anyway I took a shower and I got some coffee and I sat down to write.

I notice that a lot of times I'm on here bitching about one thing or another. I don't want you all to think that's all I do - is complain. I come on here to vent my feelings and to put it down somewhere so that sometime later I can come back and visit how it was for me in a certain period in my life. I write it down to get it out there and see if anyone will understand. Maybe some people go through the same things.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record. A few days ago was the first time in a very long time that I went through my entire blog. It was like reading some of the same things over and over again. On some posts I bring up very valid points but on others I feel like I kept talking about something I had already said or written down.

So I want to take this opportunity at the beginning of this post to tell you all that in my recent life (as in: the past two months) I've felt completely content with where I am at. I'm taking much better care of myself and I've gone through a change in beliefs that I can only call an awakening. A revolution of the mind and soul. I'm more deeply curious about life and what it means to be here than ever before. I'm considering things in my daily life that I have always taken for granted. The small miracles. Things that we never consciously think about unless any of those small miracles are taken away from us.

I won't go off on a tangent. But there were a few things that brought me to this post. Erica's relationship has been doing well from what I can see of it and from what I know of it. That and the fact that she works crazy long hours makes it difficult for us to see each other. This is after having come from a period in our lives where we were able to spend every unscheduled and waking moment together. A period where she lived with me and also where even when she didn't live with me she could come see me when she wanted.

Her fiance Stacy has either some trust issues or codependency issues as I'm led to believe. She has gotten upset whenever Erica asks if she can come spend time with me. The other day when I asked if we could hang out, Erica sent me a text that said, "Hey would it be okay if I went over to j's for a little bit?" And I texted her back saying, "I think you meant to send this to Stacy..."

Which sort of clued me in to how their relationship works. You shouldn't have to ask permission to go see one of your friends. From what I know of mature and healthy relationships, this is how that should have gone: "Hey babe, I'm going over to j's for a little bit but I'll make it back in time for dinner with your mom." Which is where she was headed after my house. The tone of the text message was just like...dripping with submission. Like she was scared to act on her feelings of wanting to see me.

This kind of attitude has lead to a decline in our friendship. I never get to see her on her own anymore and when I did yesterday - it felt emotionless and as if she didn't really want to be there. We don't talk about anything anymore. We just...watch movies or sleep when she is over here. I hate that. I feel like a stranger with one of my best friends. So I've decided to let her go. I don't want to get in the way of something she thinks she wants. She is prepared to marry this woman and she even started talking about children.

Personally I don't think she is ready yet. I think she's still got a lot of living and a lot of learning to do. In fact I don't think either of those things should ever stop happening in people's lives. But in terms of emotional maturity and age - I don't think she is ready for something so deeply profound and complex as marriage. Maybe I'm wrong and should mind my own business...but my instincts tell me otherwise. She has chosen her relationship over me before and she nearly lost me. She spent a hell of a long time making it up to me but we've been friends for four years. How do you just let that friendship go? I never thought I would. But it is exactly what I feel I must do now - and I think it will change me.

People can really suck sometimes and I am grasping that it isn't always rainbows and butterflies (not that I ever thought it really was) but I figured that the good people in your life could drown out the rain and puddles in between. Instead I find myself more cynical and a little more hard of heart.

I'm happy as an individual. I'm travelling the road which will lead me to inner peace. I love the changes I am seeing in my body and in my skin and my over all health. I'm finally doing it! All of these years I have talked about getting to a point where I could be happy in my skin and here I am looking at myself in the mirror and actually being ok with what I see. When I'm at a weight I am comfortable at, when I can run a mile and not be winded, when I can floss my teeth without my gums bleeding and when I can look other people in the eye with the confidence I have in myself then I will be truly satisfied in myself.

I always thought I should do this so that I could fit in well with other people and be more social because - you know - only beautiful people can be social and have lots of friends and relationships. My point of all that is to ask you: Why should we let other people in to our lives if they could possibly take that away from us?

All of this work I'm doing shouldn't be able to go out the window when Erica says that she can't hang out or when she tells me that Stacy doesn't actually like me anymore. I should still be able to feel like I am worthy and happy. And for the most part I do feel that way still. I can know in a way that can only come from authentic self-knowledge that it isn't about me. It isn't something I have done that makes Erica act this way now. It's an issue that is outside of me entirely.

More than anything I feel used. When something comes to an end it is often human nature to look back and remember the thing that is ending. A movie, a book - a friendship, a life. Maybe you gloss over the bad parts and remember only the sunshine and happy times. But maybe you see things through the spectacles of reality and for a minute you find that all those priceless memories weren't as squeaky clean as you'd like to paint them. They might be filled with cracks that you didn't pay attention to before.

The cracks in the relationship that Erica and I have shared for the past four years are hardly small in number. They are large cracks which have become surrounded by smaller ones and it reminds me of a quote from 'The Women' by the character Sophie.

"Whether it's in one big way or a million small ones - betrayal is inevitable in every relationship. It's the nature of these things."

(That's a paraphrase but you get the idea.)

She has lived in my apartment rent free for a month, she has eaten food that I have bought, she has stolen from me, lied to me, used my gas, car, time and money for things that in no way benefit me. And I can say I've done some things to her as well. I've called her horrible things when I'm angry, I've accused her of things that aren't true, I've treated her unfairly and sometimes very poorly.

It's because I recognize these things that I was able to forgive her for them and to put them behind us. It's because I recognize these things that I was able to change my behavior and atone for it. But it's also because I recognize these things that I feel like maybe our entire friendship has been one big pay off for her and one big lesson for me. How do you walk away from a friendship knowing that it has cost you more than you gained from it?

I don't mourn these losses in any big way. For these losses had to be made if I were to become the man I am today. But I mourn the people we had yet to become together - for I think we were better for knowing each other, better for all the ways we have grown together and because of each other. These are the things I measure a friendship in. And in that respect we were full of riches. And I can't predict the future. Maybe we'll end up better friends because of what is happening to us now. But all I can hope is that what happens to us in the following months is what will help us both be better off. I can only hope that the trials will be worth the end result.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The First

That fickle itch...

2010-05-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I have what I like to call 'the four week itch.' No I did not get something ominous from a bed partner but rather my brain and body rebel against the lack of bed partner. Not plural, just one.

And ok, I totally don't have any problems sleeping alone. But first let me tell you why I'm blogging today.

Last night a good friend of mine (whom I shall refer to as 'T') came over and we watched 'Sex and the City' all night. I had a fabulous time and of course I'm beefing up for the sequel set to hit theaters this month. We baked cupcakes and shopped for beauty products and just generally had the kind of night single girls (and their single gay husbands) live for.

The problem came when we went to bed. (haha.) I usually sleep alone since I am single and have been for about...oh...my entire life. As I was lying there I smiled to myself and realized for the first time in a very long time that I love my life. I'm not in the perfect place and I don't have a lot figured out. But I'm living here and I'm living now - and I have never felt more alive. I have never felt more at peace. I am safe in the knowledge that I will be ok no matter what happens next.

Not only do I have a strong supportive network of friends and family but I have the inner strength to carry me through practically anything. Watching the Ultimate Single Gal Carrie Bradshaw scurrying down the street to catch a cab or even a late movie by herself really inspires me. I have come to love my city just as Carrie loves New York. Well I love it enough for it to be my home while going to college. Mass Street reminds me of a miniature New York street. Bums asking for money, new restaurants and cute shops all over the place. It's full of adventures waiting to happen and favorite haunts to be found.

Anyway back to my night. 'T' has this quirk about her when she's sleeping. Let me tell you that it is not her only quirk but it is the one that sticks out most in my mind. She plays with her mouth in a way that makes a sound which drives me absolutely bonkers. I have to wear earphones when she sleeps over. But she also hogs the covers and tosses and turns alot. All of these habits she is aware of and totally gets it that they can be bothersome. I, of course, do not hold these things against her I'm just stating some facts.

So due to a mixture of these circumstances I found myself unable to sleep. My stomach was growling because I had skipped like all three of my meals today (not on purpose!) It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't planning my meals in advance. I'm a sucker for food. It's how I got my gut at such a young age (which I am now thankfully reducing very slowly by sheer will and exercise.) In any case I got up and put on the first jacket and hat I could find in the dark and headed for the door.

I was only going to grab a McDouble from the drive through (thru?) but I was in no such luck. The first one I went to was closed and the second required cash. I was pissed and hungry at 4 in the morning. I made the first stop I could which was at a local 24 hour restaurant that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner all day long. I ordered myself a big burger with lots of fries and I went to town. It was one of the best burgers I've had in a while. I won't say in my life because that would be untrue. Not to say that I remember the best burger of my life but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. It's kind of like a man - you can tell these sorts of things.

But somewhere amid my quest for food I found myself in a New York State of Mind. I was going through my current personal life status and analyzing why it is the way that it is. I have only ever loved two boys (I say boys because they weren't men to me.) in the past four years. I have never been in a relationship in my entire life. Somewhere the math wasn't adding up.

I'm looking for love. Or at least I have been ever since I was indoctrinated into society's ideals about love. I believe in soul mates and the whole 'someone for everyone' theory. Maybe these people never find each other and instead spend their lives with others who fill the void quite adequately. People who can have something just as valuable or meaningful as if they were with their soul mates. Except I've been screwed over by every guy I have ever even liked. That's a true story.

I admire Samantha Jones for her courage, honesty, and in-your-face unapologetic lifestyle. She keeps herself distant from men...but from what 'Sex and the City' has shown us of her character I believe it to be born from self protection. She was burned once before by love. She even gave it a second try with Richard Wright. In the end love proved to be a fickle bitch that was definitely not on Samantha's next V.I.P. list.

Let me go further into speculation land and analyze the lifestyles and choices of Samantha and of Charlotte. I think I used to be a 'Charlotte' when it came to love. I'm a different person now. My views and idealogies have changed quite a bit over the past year. I think I'm now more of a Samantha. She has money and great friends and of course plenty of stimulating pleasure from men. She has 'made it' as she put it in one episode. I truly believe that she had. A lot of people spend a lot of their lives trying to gain even ONE of those three things at all, let alone maintain such aspects.

In 'Sex and the City: The Movie' Charlotte has a quote that I particularly find interesting. She says, "I have everything I ever wanted. I'm so happy, I'm terrified. Nobody gets everything they want. Look at you...look at Miranda. You're such good people and look what happened to you. Of course something bad is going to happen to me."

Now what I find interesting is that...she did it too. She got everything that she wanted. Charlotte had made it too. So when we work towards getting the things that we want, are we to assume that our own hearts and minds decide if we fulfill our destiny? What if Samantha has a soul mate? She's shut off to men emotionally and so she would never know.

My heart of hearts tells me that I am still a little bit of Charlotte inside. I am a different person now...someone more like Samantha. I don't trust men. I don't really believe in 'Love' (when it comes to the whole significant other thing) because I have never had it returned to me by a man that I love.

These thoughts brought me to do a little research. One of the things to know about me is that I like to google weird phrases. Like, "I have never been kissed." or "I am afraid to date." Basically I put my feelings into search engines (by the way, both of the above statements are just examples and are not actually anything that I feel or have not done.) and see how many others have put that phrase out there. Anyway, I typed: "I am 20 and have never been in a relationship."
(My 20th is looming fast on the horizon.)

It turns out that I am most certainly not alone. With all the relationships that I have been around I had seriously convinced myself that I was some abnormality of nature. That I obviously wasn't meant to be in a relationship if I haven't already had one. So what if my 'Samantha' attitude just puts me further off the love track? Is it wrong for me to feel the way I do? For me to want Love to prove itself to me? For a man to show me that not all of them are scum?

I think that if it is meant to be, there will be a way for it to happen. I believe that even the toughest of my 'Samantha' beliefs could be overturned by 'Love' if I am meant to find it. But the Charlotte in me is still a little afraid that if I am not a cheerleader for love, it will not win me any games.

At this point I went online and checked every dating site I had ever registered for (ones I hadn't visited in four or five months.) No turn up. It seems that even online I was still wearing my man-repellant. But everything else around me seemed the same even though I had changed so much. The men I have seen, met, observed and experienced in clubs, bars and chat rooms have all been the same: egotistical, self-centered, and sex oriented. In other words not what I am looking for in a man who would potentially wear the title of my boyfriend.

I guess I can sum this post up in a quote from Emmett Honeycutt on Queer as Folk: "Are there any real men left?" and if there are will I be too closed off to them to find the one that is right for me?

Something to think about.

That's all.

-J.H.-

(Picture from: http://www.sciencenews.org/pictures/112208/itch_mainimage_zoom.jpg)

I'm Comin' Home

2010-03-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

So...I've started a new exercise regime. Ok, not started yet, but I'm planning on it. It's been an interesting ride these past few months. One that I've had to take lying down unfortunately. Life gets you down sometimes, you know?

I'm sorry I had to bring you all down while going through it. But I like to blog and I like to write, so I felt like I needed to express myself through this medium.

However, I'm beginning to take the road which will lead me out of my funk. I'm taking the necessary steps for me to feel better about my life and just stop making excuses for everything that's happened to me. I can't use my situation as an excuse because if I do that then the others will have won. The people who say that I can't do something, or that I will never amount to anything. I know in my heart and soul that isn't true about myself. I know I'm meant to be great and do great things. Which doesn't always mean fame or lots of money (although that is something I've always secretly wished for myself.)

Sometimes it means bouncing back from horrors or atrocities in life and just saying, "I got through it. What else do you have for me, life?"

It's not what you do in life but how you come back from what life throws at you, that tells your true character. Ok, so maybe I'm not the strongest and I haven't been in the past. But all of that ends when I say it does. I have always had the power to control what I do in my life and where it goes. I've let things just 'happen' to me while I idly let them happen. Well this time now, the time meant for recovery and for me to bounce back, will not just be another thing that goes wrong and 'happens' to me. I recognize the need for self assurance and action.

That's what I'm doing now. Getting back on track and focusing on my life and how I can improve it. I'm starting school again. Just a few more kinks in the process and I'm on my way to getting readmitted to KU - something I should have started a long while ago. Now I'm trying to get the body and the health that I've always craved. I know what I want and I'm going to get it. I want to have the slim shape and internal well being that I've never had in my life before. So wish me luck! I'm starting a work out blog if you all are interested in reading that! I'll post the link soon.

Basically I'm working for four or five months to lose as much weight as I can. Then in September I'm going on a trip with my mother over a long weekend to Oregon. I feel like once I reach that point, it's all gravy after that. I should be back in school and getting the education benefits. So that's all I'm looking forward to.

All this time has left me with the ability to write more often and I'm thankful for that. I have to visit the projects that I've been putting of in lieu of other things. I've been posting my fan works on various sites and they are all getting really positive feedback, but now I want to focus on original works. I have two chapters written of a novel that has been in the works for a couple of years now. It all comes down to the execution now.

Also in the works: I've recently read a book called, "Before I Fall," by Lauren Oliver and it is such a wonderful reading experience! If you have a chance, go ahead and read it because you will not regret it. It's a hard hitting look at life and the things we all take for granted and the opportunities we miss because of things we think we want. We get in our own way a lot of the time, to having the life we want for ourselves. So you can see why this book would resonate with me. I wrote the author in hopes that I could turn it into a film adaptation but we'll see where that goes.

I've been in a really creative mood lately and I'm itching to film something. Or perhaps make some jewelry. I'm always inclined to make jewelry at the current moment. I think that if I can make enough then I will sell a few key pieces on facebook. I know a lot of people have this hobby but I really enjoy doing it and I wouldn't mind making money off of it.

Oh! I got a new car recently. Well it isn't new but it's new to me. The car is a '98 Ford Tauras and it's white. I saved up money off the top of my allowance to get it and thankfully the auction (Purple Wave) that I bought it from, had kept the prices pretty decent. I mean it looked for a moment as if someone else was going to outbid me on it, but I pushed for it and with a little help I was able to grab the winning bid. So thanks to ma mere!

Now I have to return my old car to my father. His name is on the title and all of that. I need to have him switch insurance over to it and also to register it. So lots to do in that department. It still needs to have it's interiors cleaned, which I will probably do myself and it needs to go through a car wash, but other than that it's perfect. I'm certainly not complaining since my other one was falling apart.

I've been having offers for roommates from two seperate people and I'm more inclined to go with one over the other - but either way it looks like I'm moving again. I know, I know. I can't seem to stay in one place longer than six months eh? But I figure that I'm young and in college, so that's to be expected for someone living off campus. After this roommate experience hopefully I'll be able to just settle down for a few years somewhere. Maybe in a house or something (with roommates obviously). The point is to keep the cost down.

Well that's pretty much it from my corner these days. Just taking life one day at a time and trying to enjoy it the best I can. I'm working towards getting myself together and it isn't an easy process but...I have faith that I'll get there. I have the fact that I'm still an eternal optimist on my side. You can't keep a good gay man down for long.

That's all.

-J-

(Picture from: http://intellidick.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/some_motivation_requiredu2sdetail.png)

Valentine

2010-02-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

Hello all. Another Valentine's Day is upon us. It is the midnight hour of such a day - something that I've done a wonderful job of ignoring up until now.

I was going to spend my Valentine's Day with a girlfriend. (You know, the 'honey those shoes are fabulous' kind of girlfriend.) We were going to turn it into a celebration of being single. Fabulous outfits and hair, laughing over sushi and maybe quiet conversation at a coffee shop, then topping it all off with a 'Sex and the City' marathon.

Except, she didn't dump the guy who has been 'dating' her for the past few weeks. She was going to and then he did something really sweet for her that made her reconsider things.

Maybe it's for the better. I want her to be happy and I want her to have a good Valentine's Day. Hell. Someone should. My mother is visiting town and my best friend from ICT just left here. I miss her all the time and this weekend was just a subtle reminder of how much I actually do miss her. But then again I spend a lot of time these days thinking about my relationships and friendships.

I'm just simply more lonely this year. Perhaps no lonlier than the last - but this year it is different. I have gone through an ordeal and things are different now. Everything is different and it can't go back to the way it was. I see everyone and everthing differently now than before. I'm not quite sure what it is I see and I get the general feeling of floating in the air, suspended by an invisible force that is unmoving - and it is my life and my future. It's all just suspended at the moment.

My school has dismissed me and so I've been trying to recover from that. I've taken necessary steps to research schools and in the end decided I wanted to go the online route. I'm going to get a job (to get me out of this apartment everyday!) and pay for these courses. I want to put myself through these obstacles because I got myself into this mess. Well, I played a part anyway. I can't let the two others involved in this situation take all the responsibility. I was there and every moment I spent in hell, I chose to stay...for whatever reason or another.

Generally I wish for a boyfriend every year. I wish that perhaps this is the year that I will have someone to kiss on New Year's or that 'I' can become a 'We'. I will have someone there to witness my life as I am living it.

But I 've stopped wishing. And it wasn't a conscious thing really. I just got off the phone with my friend after having been ditched for V.D. and I was...just complacent. Usually I'd be pissed or depressed. But I can't bring myself to put forth the energy it takes to be upset or pissed. I finally think that after all these years I have allowed myself to just relax. Maybe this past year is to blame and it has taken this self-pity from me and turned it into utter apathy.

I wish I could say that I cared but I just can't. I'm taking my life one step at a time these days and one second at a time. It's a lot...slower. It's not as comforting as people say it is. I feel like I have nothing to do with myself and then the 'weightlessness' sets in.

However, I will say that I have been writing more often and I've been exercising, not to mention that I've cut back on smoking. I'm doing ok.

Anyway another thing that happens this time of year is that I think about who it didn't end up working out with. I can only hope that they spend their Valentine's Day with someone that they care about. Because I wouldn't want anyone to be alone - no matter who they were - unless that was the way they wanted it. This year, I am ok with being alone. Being alone isn't something to be ashamed of. I'm not embarrassed about it and if I were to go to a restaurant tomorrow and be by myself, I would sit proudly somewhere in a booth and be alone.

Valentine's Day means a chance for many people to show their significant others how they feel about each other. I elect that those of us without a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, make that significant other someone that is important to them in many ways. Someone in their life that they have been affected by and just don't always take the chance to say 'thanks' every once in a while.

Those people shouldn't be forgotten. What a perfect day and perfect way to celebrate any form of love in our lives. Love doesn't just come in one person or in one way. It doesn't come in one shape, size, color, or meaning. It just is there in our lives, moving us in ways that we sometimes can't see or haven't been able to realize yet.

So seize this day. Carpe Diem.

Take it into your life and make it your own in a world that has made it uniform and commonplace.

Love is something to celebrate. Always.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(picture from: http://www.bantjes.com/images/pic_saks-valentine.jpg)

The Dating Game

2010-01-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

The dating game. What is it? Who is in it? What do you do when you are one of those in it?

I don't know the answer to these questions. But I would like to know. I think.

How do you let people know that you're in the dating game?

Well, to me it's not a game - I just use the term because it's what people do.

I ask these questions because I went on a date tonight. It was a blind date - and ok, I know those are usually bad news. You don't have to be in the dating 'game' to know that. But it wasn't actually that bad.

Well, it wouldn't have been except that he is in his 40's. I don't mention his exact number because a gay man, much like a lady, never reveals his age. And if he does, on a blind date, then the datee can't reveal that age on the internet.

He's nice and kind and attractive (for an older gentlemen.) He made me feel good about myself, which is unusual for a first date (at leas the one's I've experienced.) I gave him a hug goodbye and that was the end of it.

We didn't exchange numbers, we didn't make plans...that was just...it.

But it got me thinking. I'm 19 and I haven't dated a lot. I've been on two dates total in my entire life thus far. Each one was...well...unique. I thought with the second one that I had something, but it turned out to be a fluke. I've fallen for guys I've already known and been friends with, but never actually had a date.

What is that about anyway? How do you get dates?

First of all, I will be pretentious and say I refuse to go to a dance club and ask someone out on a date. That's just not me. I am ok with being approached but not approaching at a dance club. Most gay men at the dance club I frequent, are self-absorbed or too gun shy to do anything. And even if they aren't gun shy, they're horny and looking for a one-time thing. That's not what I want.

I want to date. You know the whole 'coffee-at 7-movies-at 10-dinner and or drinks afterwards' kind of thing. On more than one occasion...with the same person. That seems to be an impossible thing to get at my age, and geographical location. Why is that? Why aren't more guys wanting to date?

After my date I went home and got on my computer. I was looking for more than the date had to offer, and so I logged on to gay.com - after going into the chat room (that I've been in a million times) and seeing who was online (the same people who are always on) I gave up hope. I signed on to two other dating sites that I'm involved with.

Nothing. Nada. The big Goose Egg.

A friend of mine told me that craigslist is where it's at for L-town. Now, let me tell you that I loathe the words 'craigslist' when I see them - because it's a trashy site used for trashy things. But my dating thirst for knowledge had me on a quest.

I quickly found out that craigslist is not really for 'dating' but for sex in the L-town area.

So I find myself at a loss. Are all the like-minded men where I live, in hiding? And if so, where are they hiding?

I'm finding that the dating game, is a lot harder than it looks.

That's all.

-J-

Anatomy of Me

2010-01-06T05:46:00.000-08:00

I've just spent a good chunk of hours watching season 2 of "Grey's Anatomy." It is the first time I have seen the show, and I am completely engrossed in it. I don't want to stop watching it. It's like a kind of addiction for me.

When it is over, and when I am done with this season I will be sad. Not because I know there aren't any more, but simply because I can no longer view it on my television until I either buy the next season, or find some way to get it without it hurting my very slim pocketbook.

Grey like's to start each episode off with a narration. It sets the tone for the episode. Perhaps it is a quote, or an observation. Perhaps it is an anecdote from her life. Whatever it is, these little narrations have somehow found their way into my heart. Each one has something to say to me. I can listen to Grey and in my mind I will say, "Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

Unfortunately for me - I have experienced some of the heartbreak that she is going through. I have not blogged extensively (the second time around) the emotions that I had during my painful letting go of Matt. Partially because I didn't wish to relive my experience with Dustin, and paritally because I have not yet gotten over him.

I think I have simply gotten 'past' him. Or had been. I was doing things with my life! Writing, exercising, going out with friends. All of that is well and fine but it doesn't cure a person of their love or their heartbreak. I thought I had been doing great actually. I was finally getting a restful night's sleep. I was taking up new hobbies.

But somehow, somewhere between this morning and the night before that - I broke. I had a dam, that I had built around my heart and possibly my mind, to keep the emotions from all the traumatic or stressful situations at bay...and I didn't even realize it. This morning when I woke up - I realized it. It was as if I was feeling the emotions from the past year and they were coalescing into this giant ball of pain.

I believe that for the first time in a long time, I was letting myself feel something beyond the daily run of emotions. I was actually *feeling* it.

They say that when you're in a war zone, you are living moment to moment, not thinking about what you're going through and what conditions you are surviving. When you return to the 'real world' and join the rest of the population again, it starts to hit you.

That's how I felt. Not only the trauma from living in hell for about three to four months, but also from the heart ache I was suffering.

I wouldn't let myself process these things because I had responsibilities. To other people's lives as well as my own. To make sure the rent was paid or the house was clean or that the dogs were fed and nourished and cared for - and then to make sure my homework was done and maybe to get a little sleep once in a while.

Then I woke up today. I opened my eyes and I said, "Ow."

And you know what? It sucks. I have never felt like this before, about anyone or anything. The pain that sticks out the most is the pain that came from Mark. I genuinely loved him. I seem to have that curse. Falling for guys that won't give me the time of day. Except this one did. He kissed me, told me he liked me - said he could fall for me. Made me believe we were a possibility.

When in reality I was just a substitute. He was in love with another guy and I didn't even know it. The substitutes are usually the last to know.

Anyway, my best friend (who recently got out of a relationship) also felt like this today. For some reason, today was the day that all the crap just fell from where it was sticking onto the fan. It had already hit, and we knew it had hit, but then when we thought it was over: it fell from the fan.

She popped in my mother's second season of Grey's Anatomy and said, "Let's watch this. You're going to love it."

We had nothing better to do, and besides that, we needed a distraction.

She was right. I did love it. I fell in love with the characters and I got invested in their stories. Part of that was because of Meredith and her struggle with McDreamy. She was happy with him and he just took that away from her. We as the viewers get to see how she deals with that - so naturally I can identify with some of the things she says.

Anyway, in the episode "The End of the World..." she says something that really strikes a chord with me. Because it was spot on how I felt and how I would say it.

She's talking to Christina about McDreamy and this feeling she has about her life in general and she says: "I can't even remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever, but you don't."

And this is where she spoke what I was feeling, exactly, today: "I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."

I do need something to happen. I need something to happen that tells me that I shouldn't give up on love. I need for some kind of event to happen that will bring me out of my funk. And I'm not talking about a death or a crisis. I need something good to happen. Or I will continue to feel the absence of hope.

Isn't it sad that human beings can do that to one another? Take away their hope and their faith in life itself?

It is even more sad when that act comes in the name of something like Love. It was the love of another guy that made Matt unavailable to me. Love did that. To me.

And because this other guy didn't love Mark back, then he in turn, was broken as well. He transformed into someone I don't recognize and quite frankly, don't even like.

I have to believe that there is still some good kind of love. I have to believe that the 'monogamous-once in a lifetime-grow old and wrinkly together' kind of love hasn't died with the previous generation. I want to believe that there are some relationships that exist out there where both parties have not physically and/or emotionally cheated on their significant other and have chosen to always remain faithful and in love with the other person.

Until that can happen for me; until my hope and faith in love and life can be restored...I will truck on. I won't lay down and die or wait to die. I will get up. I may bitch and moan about having to get up...but every morning I promise myself that I will get out of bed and do something.

And even if it's juvenile to say this out loud, well I don't care: I will have Grey to remind me that life goes on. To heal me with her words and her stories. Because even if she is fictional, she is still someone I can relate to. Her character's experiences can comfort me as I watch them play out on my television.

Her pixelated eyes will never look into mine and her rose colored lips will never smile at me, but she is one person who can't hurt me from where she is. She can't betray me, or step out of line. She can't lie to me or lead me on. And she will always be there when I need her.

Even after I put her away, when I'm ready to rejoin the rest of the world, and believe in people again.

That's all.

-J-

A Winter's Night

2009-12-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

It's snowing tonight. The first snow in L-town. I love it when it snows. Did I ever tell you that?

I like watching it in the street lights, as I drive to whatever destination that I must reach next.

How it hangs there, falling softly, seemingly suspended. It glints like tiny jewels or dots - it surrounds me as it falls to the ground.

Like tiny memories gently floating in the eternity that is time, making their way to obscurity when their owners and bearers are no longer around to lift them.

I am swathed in memories tonight. Memories of a not so simple time, just under a week ago, when I there were less pleasant feelings prevelant in my life. In case you have not been able to keep up on what's going on - I have moved from my previous living arrangments and out into my own apartment.

For the first time since coming to this town, I feel free. I feel light and as if I can succeed. It's been two years since I came here. Since the very beginning, I've lived with my sister. I didn't see back then, what I see in her now. Because I didn't know. I didn't...I couldn't have any clue as to what was brewing beneath the surface.

My sister is ill. She's been medically diagnosed with severe chronic depression, and bipolar disorder. I personally beleive that compulsive untruth should be added to that list, but I'm not a medical expert. For two years, I've lived with her. I've watched her progressively get worse.

The wear and tear of four years full throttle work and school with no relief had finally put her illness to the forefront. She could no longer hide it, not as she had from her family, for so long. As I wrote in an earlier post: she had gone into the hospital in...April, I believe, but don't quote me on that.

For six months now, she has not fulfilled much obligation to anyone. She's not really tried at anything. It's like this shell of a person that I used to know. If possible, the hospital made her worse than before. Perhaps this needed to happen. Perhaps I'm only seeing the shell, and not what lurks inside of it. Perhaps there is the real C that I've never known before, inside and waiting to be coaxed out.

No matter. I won't delve into her personal life on the internet. It wouldn't be right of me.

But I will talk about the parts that have so affected my life that even now, they are still with me.

For the past three months, I've been living with one of my better friends and my sister, whom happen to be dating. They bought dogs for some insane reason, and they both do NOT take care of them. It got to the point where they were letting the dogs do their business inside the apartment. It constantly smelled. It constantly felt uncomfortable. And the responsibility often was pushed off onto me to provide the care and love that those two simply wouldn't.

I told them when they bought the dogs that I would take no responsibility what-so-ever for anything that had to do with the dogs. They both agreed to that and then got the puppies. From there, they didn't train the dogs, they didn't have kennels, the dogs didn't have a regular feeding schedule, and often I would be left to babysit the dogs when they were doing other things.

Despite what I told them, I ended up picking up poop, cleaning up pee stains, feeding them and spending time with them. In short, it was as if I was a third owner instead of what the situation should have been treated like: a roommate.

For the past three months, since I started school after moving to that three bedroom apartment, I was always stressed out, exhausted and worried about something. This, of course, affected my school work. This was a crucial semester too because I was on academic probation. I'm still waiting to see whether or not my work to at least keep up in my classes has paid off at all. We'll know come spring.

Finally, one night, I had had enough. I told them I wanted to leave. And a couple of days later, after apartment searching and comparing, I found a place and signed the lease. I moved in December 1st. I could not be happier. I have a quiet, clean space in which I can focus solely on myself and what goals I need to accomplish.

The biggest grin kept appearing on my face after move-in day. I was cleaning and singing, and hanging pictures. I could hang pictures!! Through the entire two years that I lived with my sister, she always decided what pictures went up and where they went. She decided how to arrange the furniture. She made every little decision.

It is sad to me that she has such mixed priorities, so much so that her own brother couldn't even really share living quarters with her and feel comfortable and at home in that space. I believe she has many bitter feelings towards me - for what reasons I can guess at, but can never really be sure. One thing this family is good at is bottling things up inside and storing them away, building up.

Anyway, tonight she contacted me, asking me if I could do her a favor and get her some dog food. I was instantly miffed. Here I was, living on my own and still I felt like I couldn't escape her shadow. These dogs are still NOT my responsibility and she STILL treats the situation like they are. I want nothing to do with her household, and soon I will make that abundantly clear to her. I won't do any favors, I won't be coming over to clean or cook or hang pictures. That is her house. This is mine.

Now before you go on and say that I'm being a bit harsh - this is not the first favor she has asked for since I moved out. And it's only been a week!! The thing is...I know for a fact that if the situation were reversed and I needed things from her like that, she would not do it. Period.

I don't do favors for family because I expect something in return. No, I do it because I love them and because I care about them. But my sister knows my caring personality and she takes advantage of that. A lot. I can't count on 30 hands how many favors I've done for her since coming to L-town. I don't keep track and I don't write them down as grievances. But you know, a little reciprication would be great. A little appreciation would be wonderful.

And the sad thing is, that I know I probably won't get that. Not anytime soon and it's very possible that I will never get it.

There are feelings that I'm starting to have that surprised me when I first started having them. Anger, resentment, bitterness. She put me through miserable circumstances for at least a year, if not more, and here she is still acting as if it's ok for her to do that. My feelings seep into my skin, flowing into my veins and pumping through me like blood.

I don't know if I can see her for a while. I just need some time to digest everything that happened. I need some time to move on from that and start new, and most importantly, to gain clarity on what it is that I want to get out of the next four years here. I can't waste any more time. I simply can't.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I also know that I have a lot of joy ahead of me.

I'm trying to mend my relationship with my father, I'm working on things that I love such as writing, jewelry making, and scrapbooking. Not to mention there's a cutie down at my new apartment's leasing office, that I have my eye on. Nothing has happened yet, but I think there's something about this one. We'll call him 2010 potential boy.

For now, I'll sip my coffee and I'll open my blinds to watch the snow fall. Tonight, I will go to sleep, warm in my bed and knowing that I'm full of love and life.

That's all.

-J-

(Picture from: http://www.jesslaccetti.co.uk/uploaded_images/snownite-734683.jpg)

Remiss

2009-11-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

Image is a screen capture from afterelton.com

This is going to be a rather short entry, though a longer one will most likely be on the way later this month. But I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I'm putting a link on my page for this website because it's an amazing cultural resource for gay men.

It's smart, politically aware, journalistically sound, and above all fun. Of course there's the indulgent segments and features on the website (but what harm is that?) but it also brings a fresh take on gay events happening now.

This website has a sister site: http://www.afterellen.com, which caters to a lesbian identifying audience.

I encourage you to check these sites out if you ever have a spare moment!

Also, I'm thinking of starting up a similar website with gay collaborative writers, just for fun. I'll let you know more if the idea progresses.

Much love.

-J-

Kismet

2009-09-12T01:58:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

I do. Sometimes we lose light of the things we believe in. Something happens to make us forget the lessons we have already learned. Sometimes, selfishly we want to forget so that we can do things or say things that we already know we shouldn't, and then blame other people or life in general for it.

I've believed for a long time that everything happens for a reason. But somewhere along the way I have forgotten that - I got caught up in the things that were happening to me and instead of sitting back and asking myself what I could be learning from the experience, I complained about it.

I am sure this is an experience that will unfortunately repeat itself in my lifetime. I am only human, and our memories are like sieves. For now though I have thankfully grasped this concept once more.

You must be wondering why in the world there is a picture of Zac Efron on my blog for this entry. I will get to that in a moment.

As I have promised myself and wrote about here, I have been working on myself. My emotional and physical well-being, my life in general. It feels good. I am smiling more often than I have in the past few months. I'm not as angry as much anymore. There is still anger, don't get me wrong, but it's outshone by the things I am discovering which make me happy.

I watched '17 Again' tonight. Of which Zac Efron is the star. (And ok, I have a little boy crush on him, lol.) The movie really spoke to me, believe it or not. I would hope that it spoke to a lot of people because to me the message was a strong one. One for both the young and the old.

A burnt out older man Mike O'Donnell, portrayed by Matthew Perry, has two children and just lost his job and is getting a divorce from his long-time wife whom got pregnant with their first child whilst the pair was still in high school. During a big basketball game of which Mike was the star player, where college scouts would make or break his future, he left in the middle of it to assure his then-girlfriend that his future was with her and their child.

Fast forward to the present, when he complains about not going to college and all of this potential he had was wasted. A 'spirit guide' character is introduced to us and after Mike and the character meet, the next morning he wakes up to find himself 17 once more. He uses his time as a 'pubescent' teen to get closer to his children and reconnect with his family. He is of course still a big shot basketball player and so near the end of the movie he is once again faced with the choice of having a future in basketball, star-studded and bright, or to choose his wife - which he has spent the majority of the film remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place - and ultimately he chooses her.

Predicatable as the film may be, it's message that time can not be erased and redone, that the choices we make shape who we become: are universal to us all.

I was reading this book 'If I Am Missing or Dead' by Janine Latus, in which the main character says that in college when she was starving and barely making it, she had the picture of an animated grey tombstone on which she wrote in marker: "I was gonna..." - because these were the words her grandmother spoke on her death bed and she vowed to herself that she would never say those words.

These messages are so...powerful. They recently have become central to my life. I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say "Wow. What was I thinking? Why did I do that?"

Now ultimately I know that an experience like that is unavoidable. I will look back on some things in my life and be flabbergasted by choices I made or things I did. But I don't want that to define my past, when I look back on it.

I don't want to look back on this period in my life and realize that I wasted it. That I spent it being sad and consumed by this one guy, or that I missed a great opportunity that I am receiving by not going to my classes and getting the education that I am being supported to receive. I don't want to look back and wish I had been in better shape or that I had learned to do more.

So, I'm going to focus now on making sure that doesn't happen. This is important to me, especially at this time when I actually have the power to do something about it. I know I've already been working on the areas of my life I wasn't happy with, but I'm saying that realizing this has motivated me even more.

One thing I will say about '17 Again,' besides the message of hope for the future that it brought to me, it also...made me sad and hopeful at the same time about the subject of love.

This guy, Mike, in the movie was so in love with his wife that his entire focus was getting her to realize that they still belonged together even when he had the chance to do it over again and choose a bright career. He was willing to do anything for her. He remembered everything about her and his character's love for his wife was just...heart wrenchingly beautiful.

There was a line in there, when Mike was 17 and talking to his wife and asking her why she was divorcing 'her husband' when she loved and cared about him.

She says, "Well I guess sometimes those things are not enough."

I understand what she means. I have loved and cared about two boys so far in my life, and each of them has still found a way out of my life. Sometimes that isn't enough.

Sometimes I wonder how much farther my love can extend. It amazes me that there is more to the feeling of love that I have not yet experienced. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Derrick. I was proved wrong. I thought I knew all of love after my experience with Mark. I know that to be wrong as well.

The thought terrifies me and elates me. I have to ask myself: Am I ready for love?

As the hour strikes five hours past midnight, this question hangs in my mind. With it, I leave you for now.

Goodnight.

That's all.

-J.H.-

(Picture from: http://www.thefilmchair.com/images/tfc/zac-efron.jpg )

Truth

2009-08-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today has been a...good day so far. It is 1:30 in the afternoon, and I have had a lot on my mind. I awoke early this morning, made myself some coffee and then some eggs, smoked a few cigarettes and I am now writing this post.

I've been thinking about my life recently. A lot about it actually, seeing as I've been trying to work on myself in all aspects. Trying to figure out more of who I am.

There are a number of changes that I have made, am making and am planning on making. I am working out more, I am going to write more, going to all of my classes and doing all of my homework. I am being more responsible at my job and with money.

And all of that is fine and then I look at the love life. I've slowly begun to love being single, when I stop and look at all the things I have, when I think about all of the things I want for myself and I'm just like - why do I spend this time that I have thinking about -if- I had a boyfriend or if I could only just meet somebody. The truth is that I have a lot on my plate. A boyfriend would be great, but I don't -need- one and I would have even more on my plate if I did have one.

Maybe there's a reason why these things in my life have happened to me the way that they did.
There's a quote from the Wedding Date that every [woman] has the exact love life that she wants. So maybe all of this time I've fooled myself into thinking that all I really want is a boyfriend, when in fact that wasn't the issue at all. Maybe I felt like there had to be something wrong with me because I haven't had a real boyfriend yet, and that I was going to be alone forever if I didn't get a boyfriend soon.

I realize that I want time now. Time to be comfortable with myself, to know my flaws and look at myself in the mirror and be okay with all of the decisions I've made. I want time to stop and really reflect, like I haven't in the past.

There is something that brought this post on, I will confess. I was in the bath last night, listening to Michael Buble's wonderful voice echo through the room, and singing a love song - thinking about Mark. So many of the songs I hear remind me of Mark, so many of the lyrics somehow magically fitting how I feel about him.

I listen to the lyrics about love, like I already have him as my love. As if he is mine. He is not mine, and even though it is a possibility that in the future he could be - I can't think like that. I have to remember to live now. What's true about now is that Mark isn't interested for some reason or another - I live to far away, I've done something in our past to make him weary - for some reason now is not the time.

I asked a couple of people what they thought about my feelings for him. Two of them said some words and in them was 'he will never love you'. It was out of context, as in 'He will never love you if you don't love yourself' or 'He will never love you as long as you both have your issues to work out' but they said it. They said, "He will never love you."

The weight of those words crush me. But instead of feeling miserable about it, as I usually would, instead of feeling self-pity I just came to a miraculous sort of break through. He doesn't love me, and we aren't together, and we are not a part of each other's lives. As much as it hurts to say these things I know the truth in them.

That's what is so good about the truth is that everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. So I've got stop lying to myself and I've got to think about right now. There is plenty to do in the now, there are plenty of other things for me to worry about. I can't afford to continue worrying about this.

I told Mark before that I loved him. I have a bone to pick with that word. People throw it around and sometimes say it before they actually feel it. Now that wasn't the case with me - I did feel it - but it got me thinking.

For instance the word 'lol' in my group of friends is sometimes overused in texts and emails and facebook messages. My friends have gotten so used to saying 'lol' as a place holder or an end to a sentence that it is almost second nature to say this phrase. Are they really laughing out loud as their text-speech implies? Is it something they are really feeling, and actually do? Most of the time: no.

The same can be said of the word 'love' for at least my group of friends (and as I know it, a pretty good part of the teenage population these days.) They use 'I love you' to tell their friends that they care for them, that all is good between them. But the word is supposed to be sacred. We've gotten so used to saying it that it is second nature not to think about saying it when you get off the phone with your friends, or when you're ending an instant messaging conversation.

This word is abused, has lost it's power - for an emotion and a meaning that is too powerful. There are only a handful of people that I truly can say I love and would do anything for. I'm not going to list them. But I can count them easily enough.

So though I feel that I love Mark, I won't say it - nor to anyone else that I had been saying it to. If the time comes where Mark and I are in a position to be friends, and then that friendship grows, and even if we get into a relationship I will wait and wait and wait until I am absolutely sure that love is the adjective, is the powerful emotion that I feel for him.

For now...well there's someone I haven't loved enough, and I'm trying to rectify that.

I am on a journey, of growth that started near the beginning of this year. I am not sure how far I am or how much further I'll need to go. But I'll go forward and I will remember that love isn't only external, but it also must come from within as well.

I hope this entry finds you happy and healthy, and well. Loved.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Photo from: http://media.photobucket.com/image/truth/SpurfheadJones/seek_truth.jpg )

Inspired

2009-08-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I saw the movie 'Julie & Julia'. Though I was late to the 9:50 showing, I got there in enough time to be there for 97% of this movie and let me tell you, it was well worth it.

The film, starring two of my favorite actresses (Meryl Streep and Amy Adams) chronicles the blogging adventures of Julie Powell, who undertook the enormous feat of cooking through Julia Childs' recipes in a year, a post for each and every meal.

Meryl was hilariously marvelous and commanding in her role as Julia. This actress, one of the greatest screen legends still going strong in her career, effortlessly portrays her character and makes it believable. You forget for a time that this is an actress, or at least I did. That is a great achievement for any performer, and she pulls it off.

The tale is a charming one, showing the mirroring lives of these two women through time. Each of them set out to accomplish something, and despite the hardships they faced, they accomplished it. At the end of the day, everybody in their lives may not have been happy and they may not have changed the world - but they did something. They set a goal and they did it!

I give this movie a five out of five crowns, for being a fabulous creation.

Anyway, the point of this post is that the movie inspired me. I may not win any sort of recognition for my blogs or my writings, but I'm chasing my dream. One day I hope to be a published author and this movie refreshed my Muse's Well of Inspiration. I feel like writing again! I feel like working on my book and keeping at it.

I missed this feeling, and I realize now that it doesn't take a movie to let me have it. I was holding myself back, letting myself wallow in the pits of self-sympathy. What a horrible and ugly place that can be.

Tonight has been an all around spectacular evening: I got to see a wonderful friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a long while and we had coffee together. We talked about our lives and sorted through our problems and over all just had a great time. We're trying to collaborate and coordinate a podcast at the moment, about our lives as queer youth. I want to make it meaningful to somebody, even if only for the humor our lives might provide. But more than that, I want to make this podcast relevant to queer youth everywhere. I want to talk about the issues and hear the thoughts of others. Where is our new gay generation headed?

I'm not looking to boister myself onto some pedestal in doing these projects. I'm looking to put my thoughts and ideas out there and just create something meaningful.

We all search for meaning in our lives - and some of us never get it or feel like we don't have something to contribute. But the fact is, whatever we contribute, might in some small way mean the world to someone else and that in and of itself is worth it.

I am inspired. I want to reach someone. I want to achieve my goals and at the end of the day I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say: you tried and you created and for that I am joyful.

So I throw down the gauntlet - go. Go and do something you love and whatever you do love yourself for it.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://winechef.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/080514ptr_merylstreep_001__opt.jpg)

I Need to Wake Up

2009-08-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning, all. Coming to you from the sunshine of L-town, I'm drinking my second cup of coffee.

Last night was...interesting. My ~~former~~ flame came up to visit me with one of our mutual friends. They got here at around eight in the evening and we started out just having a few cigarettes and enjoying our evening.

We decided to go to Applebee's and Jimmy Johns for sandwiches and dessert. The whole time Mark (that's not his name, but rather the name I will use to refer to him.) was on his phone texting. Now if you know me, you realize that this is one of my biggest pet peeves - people on their phones when they are supposed to be hanging out with me. He's been talking to this guy a lot that he really has a crush on and although I do not know that's who he was communicating with, my leap of intuition is not a giant leap of my imagination.

It was just so different from other times the two have been down here to visit. It wasn't as fun. Mark and our mutual friend have gotten into some 'things' that I don't quite approve of but have let slide. At one point, they were all out on the patio smoking and I was inside alone with Mark and he said not one word to me. I went into my room to see if he would come talk to me, but to no avail.

About thirty minutes later, when Erica (my best friend- also not her real name.) went to bed, and then Mark and our mutual friend came into the room and said they were leaving because we were already going to bed at 11:30.

I told them that I wasn't sleeping but they didn't believe me and decided to leave anyway. It occured to me, later on, that Mark hadn't said five words total to me in the four hours they were there. I can't tell you how hurt that makes me feel - I had been falling for this guy for a while now and here he was practically ignoring me.

They're supposed to come back on Wednesday but I don't know if I even want them up here. It's a rude thing to do - just walk out on the people who are putting you up for the night, and go home. It just chaps my ass to think about, really. And until they apologize, I don't really want to see them.

I'm done being disrespected and I have said this before. I'm not that guy anymore. You can't walk all over me and then expect to be best friends. It's just not going to happen. I used to think about the fact that Mark's going to be here after he graduates, in a year. I used to think of all the possibilities that entailed for us. But the thing is - he's not the same person I fell for. Even these past few months he's changed. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, it's just that I don't really know this new Mark. He doesn't let me get to know him.

The fact that this person was not the guy I fell in love with, was a hard fact to swallow and it was driven home by their trip here. Maybe this was supposed to happen, so I would be allowed to get over him. All this holding on that I've been doing with him has gotten me nowhere. I don't want to be nowhere. So I'm not going to be.

I'm going to work on myself, as I have said I'm going to, and someday some man will see that I'm worth it - and all the idiots out there who let me go will see just what they lost. It's like that bumper sticker says, 'Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.'

It's not always easy for me to be optimistic, like I used to be able to feel so freely, but I figure that sadness for me at this point is more of a choice than a feeling. I'm choosing not to be sad anymore. I'm choosing that. Do you understand how powerful of a statement that is for me?

Today, I may not have a job and I may not be doing everything I'd hoped to be doing, but I have myself. I have the knowledge that I'm going to be ok. I'm going to sip my coffee and my day is going to be amazing, whatever I end up doing.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.thetechherald.com/media/images/200928/Coffee_cred_Ahmed_Rabea_flickr_1.jpg)

*Note: The disclaimer in the sidebar to your immediate right, states this - but I am repeating it as a reminder: The names of some people have been changed to protect their privacy. Please read the disclaimer in the welcoming 'rainbow-colored' statement. Thank you!

Amongst the Stars

2009-08-08T03:05:00.000-07:00

I just felt in the mood to write tonight. I'm not sure why, being that I haven't done it in a while. But it just felt like the time.

I may have lost my job this week. Not exactly sure how that happened, but we'll see by tomorrow. Yet even as scary as that prospect is - not having a job after 6 months of having one - I'm strangely unafraid.

I've been through so much this past year, heck these past six months that something like this doesn't really phase me. I would like to think it's because I've grown stronger.

Well and also that during these past few weeks I have been trying to build up to a steady belief. I may not like organized religion and I may not want to go to church every sunday but I think sometimes a little faith is what the doctor orders.

So I'm trying to have some faith. I believe that when school starts near the middle of this month, that it'll be easier for me to get a job because of all the people either leaving to go back to school or the people cutting back on hours because of school. This comforts me to acknowledge - still I am not completely without nerves or fear. I don't want this process to take me a long time and I can't in fact afford that.

But instead of looking at this like a hurdle to jump over or a river to cross, I'm trying to look at it like a blessing or a fresh start. I never particularly loved working at the deli. Sure it was a good job, and the people were nice, but I rarely made enough hours to have the extra money I've always needed and craved. This change could be good for me. I've already changed living arrangements and moved into a three bedroom with my sis and bestie, and now I have a chance to change something else in my life.

Work will never be glamourous, at least at my age and education level, but no one said I couldn't try to have a little fun here and there with my jobs. I've been working at uniformed-low pay-service jobs since I started earning money. If I can do it (and don't worry I'm not stupid enough to pass up a job opportunity no matter the low end of the stick) I would like to try and submit my applications into places I might actually be able to stand for more than 6 months.

Speaking of my living arrangements...these past few days have been nice. I've had the week off for the most part (now I know why...heh.) and I've been using them to spend time with the people I love. We've been playing video games, enjoying nice dinners, having a drink or two and it's been a BLAST. I'm feeling like for the first time in a while we're connecting all together.

The romance department is still as empty as ever. Though, I'm holding a piece of my heart for one of the guys I've fallen for over the past several months - he's not in the right place emotionally or geographically to do anything about it. We flirted heavily in high school and over time recently have begun to pick things up again, but he doesn't believe in long-distance relationships and so alas, I have to wait a year before he moves up to L-Town.

It may be too early in my life to tell, but I think this one's special. He may even be the one. Something in my heart tells me we're destined to at least be in a relationship. Some love stories aren't epic novels; some are short stories - but that doesn't make them any less filled with love. As Carrie Bradshaw would say.

A lot of exciting things are planned for this year though, to keep me busy. I'm starting a book club with one of my close friends, I'm going to finally be able to see all the seasons of Sex and the City, one of my favorite television shows (Supernatural, duh) is premiering in September, and I'll be in school as well. So yes, lots of things to keep me busy.

My sister's 22nd (god that makes me feel old) birthday is this month, and we're planning a FABULOUS party for her. The cake alone, which costs $40 by the way, is soooo Boss.

In the meantime, wish me luck on my job search, keep me in your hearts and minds and I shall do the same of you all.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Starting Again

2009-07-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm starting over again. I said goodbye to the boy that treated me in ways I didn't deserve. He's going through a rough time and there was only so much trying I could do to be there for him. But how much rejection can a person really take before they simply give up?

Maybe he didn't tell me that he didn't want me to help him, or need me to help him. He just didn't return my calls or texts and didn't try in any way to contact me. And how am I to help him if I don't even know what's wrong?

I'm so bitter about the whole thing. I cared a lot about him - and that was thrown back into my face when I tried to stand up for myself. Still I can not place any blame on him for walking away, because I was the one who told him goodbye. I don't know if I got ahead of myself in thinking that I needed to act. Perhaps it was all some kind of misguided notion that I deserve better than to go more than 20 days without contact - not even a warning or a sign that it was going to happen. Perhaps I made it all about me, instead of all about him.

How much of myself can I give away before it's all gone? When is enough, enough? Can I not feel wronged and let him know about it? Why did it have to turn into such a big deal?

I ask these questions on my blog because I can not ask them to his face. I can't see him because he lives two hours away, I can't phone him because he has a new phone and I don't have the number, I can't write him because he's left home and doesn't have an address.

So I've got to accept that I did what I could. I've got to accept that I can't help everyone that I love and care about. I can't control the things that happen and the way that they occur. I can only control myself.

I didn't want to lose him - but I couldn't stand by and be left in the dark only to be picked back up when he needed me again. If a guy wants to see you or talk to you or if he cares about you he will make it happen. He will let you know. That's what I think.

Am I wrong to assume that I at least deserve something more than I got? Am I wrong in thinking that I've worked too hard and given too much NOT to deserve better?

Anyway, I'm starting over. I'm focusing on myself again because it's the only thing that I've got: me. I'm writing again and starting a work-out schedule and I'm looking for a second job. I'm going to go out with friends from work and I'm just going to enjoy every minute left of my summer. When the fall comes I'll work my ass off for the next four years and I'll get that much closer to my dreams and goals.

I'm not ready to think about romance or a relationship. I realize there are definitely some things I need to work on in myself: my over analytical mind, my irrational thoughts, etc. I know my downfalls and my faults. The tough part is to correct those things and to learn from the mistakes I've already made too many times.

It's not a matter of choice anymore - if I don't, I will lose the person I have been, forever. I will lose any sembelence of normalcy. I will become someone you don't recognize anymore, someone I never knew I could be.

I don't want to be angry anymore - as I have been for so long. I don't want to be bitter anymore.

I want to be happy again. I want to remember what a good day felt like.

As the days come, I'll take them one at a time. It's all that is within my power.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/knpouk/3606551408/ and edited at: http://www.picnik.com/)

When your world falls apart [like shattered glass]

2009-07-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

It is messed up isn't it - what we do to the people we love?

This question has been raised in my mind many times recently. A lot has been happening with my emotional state. A lot has been changing.

I think a lot of it is that I feel like I'm being stifled. I feel like I could do a lot of great things, and that I can show the world what I'm really made of, if I had the chance.

But with everyone else's problems piling up on top of me, it just feel so hard. It feels like everywhere I turn, I'm being pulled further into the Abyss that threatens to engulf me as well.

My sister has been showing a side of herself recently, previously unseen by even our mother. She's always been a sort of closed off person - never really revealing much about herself or her feelings. She has always put up this front that makes it seem to the world that she is a strong, independent and invulnerable woman. That she is almost perfect in every way. Obviously we know that she isn't perfect, but it's as if she expects us to pretend that she is, right along with her.

And for the most part we have. Which, I think, is a big factor in how she was able to keep up the facade for so long. Now in her most vulnerable of times, we see things come out in her that we can't really comprehend. Her sense of generosity, right, wrong and purpose have all seemingly left her.

What leads me to discuss this is the fact that she has been in a relationship with my best friend for a while now - and she has also been using her. Maybe not knowingly, and maybe to some extent knowingly. But she has been. My sister has rarely been single in all of her life since she started dating.

I'm not sure that she literally knows what it means to be single. I believe it scares her to try and find out.

So when certain events in her personal life have lead her to mistreat my best friend, and have that building for months - it still came as a surprise to me when my best friend left our home and told us goodbye over the phone before she lead us to believe she was going to commit suicide.

As soon as Erica (my best friend) called me, telling me goodbye - telling me things my mind couldn't register quickly enough, my body turned to molasses. As if I was stuck in slow motion and couldn't snap out of it even though I knew these next few minutes would be vital. I didn't know how much time I had.

But she was on foot when she left the apartment and I went to drive around and find her. My sister ended up calling the police. Very long story short, Erica is now in a facility for the next week (by choice) to stabilize herself. However I can not escape the feeling that the times ahead are not going to be necessarily better.

Dealing with one person who has been going to therapy after being admitted to the hospital, someone who is on medication and who you don't know the mood of when they wake up in the morning is a very tiring thing to have in your life. Now there will be two people in that situation living with me. And aside from monetary and personal problems, I have to find the strength to cope with this as well.

I'm not meaning to complain, really I'm not. I understand how difficult it must be to live your life in a mental state that they are in. I've lived with my sister my entire life before she decided to get help, so I know.

It just feels like I'm being used in the same way. I'm a means to an end. I've been feeling like that about a lot of my friendships/relationships lately. I care so much about everyone else and what's going on in their life. I feel like I'm spent - there's nothing left for me to give out because if I do then there will be nothing left for me.

I spend my time, energy, emotions on caring about and for these people that I love. I do it because I love them, not because I expect anything in return. I don't need anything from them except an occasional sympathetic ear once in a while. A nod my way, a smile, a 'hey, how are YOU doing?'

It feels as if I am carrying the weight of a thousand people's burdens, and I am afraid of what will happen if I am pushed over my limits. Right now I feel pretty numb; have been feeling that way since saturday. I think it's my defense. I think my body or my heart can't take any more that could possibly go wrong.

I've just been hurt too many times by too many different people. I've always kept this inside and bottled it...a talent that my family has exhibited many times over the course of my 19 years. But I feel like the time is coming when that will no longer be the case. When I will just let it out as it goes on. I'm afraid to do so. The truth is a powerful thing.

An interesting quote from Revolutionary Road, caught my attention tonight: "Something about truth is, no matter how far you get from it, it's always there. You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

I believe this is true, in many of the situations I described in the above. If we all were very honest with ourselves about the decisions we make, then maybe we could save ourselves a lot of trouble. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we lie and cheat when we know what we're doing? We KNOW. We always know.

Even if we don't think about it at the moment or even for a long time. If we push it to the back and bury it deep inside of us - it's still there.

And we still deny it.

I just wish that there wasn't so much complicated drama surrounding me all of the time. I wish I could just get away from that sort of thing. Lead my life on my own terms and get back to what really matters to me. All of this stress has been affecting me a lot.

It seems as if my life is made of glass and being held together by glue and tape.

I'm left wondering, terrified, 'when will it shatter?'

-J.H.-

(Pic from: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-set/BQcDAAAAAwoDanBnAAAABC5vdXQKFlpBREtHYS1pM1JHMlhMb0xleGo4UXcAAAACaWQKAXgAAAAEc2l6ZQ.jpg)

Before you try to run...

2009-06-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

It's lonely here, these days. Which is funny. You would think that living with my sister and best friend would be more than enough to leave me dead tired at night and filled with contentment.

Except of course when said best friend and sister are dating. How lovely. I'm happy for them, truly. As long as they are happy - and I've always told them that. I still mean that.

There's just some things that I've been thinking about and things that I've discovered. I've been fxcked over again. And I just never seem to learn my lesson. Perhaps that's why God keeps trying to teach it to me.

Anyhow. My best friend is...sort of a liar. I don't know if she does it intentionally, or if it's just something born out of habit (she has had a rough childhood, and I do mean rough). But it hurts never-the-less. I have to work to step back from the situation and remember that it's not necessarily a good idea to call her out on it. You see, all of her life she's been made to feel like a fuck up and a piece of shit by her immediate family and a lot of her friends. I don't hate her- I'm just hurt. And I know that if I said anything, she would just take it as me telling her she's a fuck up.

My sister isn't in the best of states either. She was hospitalized for mental health issues, and after that, well she's been trying to keep up with out patient care but it hasn't been going very well because she's a totally different person. She's lazy, doesn't do things on time and keep herself on track, and she mostly stays in her room all day with her girlfriend.

It scares me to tell you the truth. This volatile situation is shaky. Made even shakier by some of the lies I've uncovered that my best friend has told. I don't know how long this can go on before it all crashes to the ground.

Besides that, it couldn't have come at a worse time. Over the past two months or so, I've been falling for an old flame of mine. Not Derrick - thank God that ship has sailed. No someone else. He's very special to me. But he's in love with someone else. And I just can't do it. I can't wait for him, and I can't put myself through that pain again. I won't. I refuse. No matter how much I believe that we belong together. If it's meant to be then so be it. Divine Intervention will have to occur and make it happen because I'm just not going to do it this time.

So I'm dealing with this whole best friend/sister thing and also getting over this guy. It isn't fun. I hate it. I've become this jaded and angry person most of the time and all I want to do is cry, but I can't do it. My tears have all dried up.

Sometimes I wish I could just get away and go somewhere new. Away from everyone and everything I know and start a new life where no one knows me. But I tried that before. When I ran away to Minnesota. I don't want to leave KU, and more importantly, I want everyone to know that I'm not going to run anymore. This is my life and no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to stick it through because I owe that to myself.

Most of my days are spent alone and I'm starting to grow accustomed to that. I'm starting not to care. I can't get hurt that way and I don't have to deal with any bullshit that way. It just works.

So that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. I've been trying to work out and write and all that. It hasn't been going very well recently, but I'm still trucking along - keeping at it - and I think that's what counts. I haven't just lay down and let this overtake me.

I'm trying to be strong. Stronger than I've ever had to be before, and it's so hard that everyday I just want to stay in bed and sleep. But I don't. I get up, make my coffee and I start my day. Because someone in this household has to. Someone has to keep it together.

But it's safe to say that I'm bringing my focus where it should have been all along: on myself. No really - I've cut out all the people who have used me, I've stopped talking to the people I can live without and it feels like the right thing. I've grown a little smarter, a little tougher, and a little wiser.

I can't tell you if this new me is going to turn out alright. All I can say is, it's who I am right now, through the pain and the anger and the hurt. Maybe one day it will be different. Right now, the facts are that it isn't different.

That's all.

Signed,

Boys Will Be the End of Me

2009-04-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

I've Got a Crush On You
Ella Fitzgerald

Hmm, I've got a crush on someone. Guess who

I've got a crush on you sweetie pie

All day and night time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

for a cunning cottage we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush my baby on you

How glad the many millions

of timothy and Williams

would be to capture me

But you had such persistance, you wore down my resistance

I fell and it was swell

You're my big, brave and handsome Romeo

How I won you I shall never know

It's not that you're attractive

But, oh, my heart grew active

When you came into view

I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie

All the day and night-time give me sign

I never had the least notion that

I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, Could you care

For a cunning cottage

That we could share

The world will pardon my mush

'Cause I've got a crush, my baby, on you

Make me blue (A crush, on you)

In the style of ''I've Got a Crush on You''

Written by J.H.

Sometimes, I feel bad about the things that we do

But honey, when I'm with you

And when my lips do kiss you

I get a clue, yes a clue

that baby, I've got a crush that makes me blue

You've had your share of lovers

To me, it is no wonder

How lovers love no other

Than you.

The girls and boys who know you

In ways that are and aren't true

Sometimes think what I do

That baby, I've got a crush, that makes me blue

You have a one and only,

Somebody other than me,

You dream of him and I see

Everything so clearly,

Your eyes are only for he

You've got to know that I care

Though deep I am in despair

That you have found your fella

Like dear Edward and Bella

Never could I hurt you,

Nor he and all his virtue

I want you to be true

Never feel dishonest,

Or ache or pain or menace

Find all you can within it.

Still I confess,

that things became a mess

when I got a clue

that Baby, oh baby, I've got a crush

A crush that makes me blue.

Diva's Dating and other Disasters

2009-04-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

And so begins the chronicling of my ~~not-so-existent~~ dating life. Well, dating plus all the other 'extra-curricular' activities.

Last night I got drunk with a couple of people from Wichita, and there was a guy there who is a friend of my best friend. We'll call him Nick.

Nick is kind of trying to stop drinking and cut down, but we let him have more than his fair share of drinks. I, having to drive my sister and her two other friends to the club, was in a slightly aggravated mood.

So naturally I decided to drink as well. I had four shots of vodka and two beers. Needless to say I was pretty drunk. At about that time, me and nick and my bff had to go pick up the three ladies who were pissed because we were late picking them up. We all went back to the apartment and got back to drinking, while my one of the people there got upset and called their ex boyfriend and ended up passing out in my bed.

My sister and my bff were on the couch talking when all of the sudden my sis gets a call and decides to go console one of her friends who is having troubles with her fiance. Nick, me and K (a friend of my sis) decided to drink some more. Nearly done with the game about an hour later, we get a call saying that my sister's car had died and she needed a jump.

Apparently while trying to jump the car, the-friend-in-need dropped her engagement ring in the hood of her car and couldn't find it.

So K, Nick and I went to their aid. Meanwhile, in the backseat, we began to make-out. Now something you have to know about Nick is that he is in love with some other guy and when they get the chance they are going to be together instead of trying a long distance relationship. At the beginning of the night, he said to me 'Don't let me make out with you, because I'm not going to remember a thing in the morning.'

Lo and behold, in our drunken horny states, we couldn't resist.

All the while, I couldn't help but wonder if I was being used. Sure it was mutual fun for both of us, but in the time of my life where I'm trying to focus on myself I had to wonder: Is there any problem with mutual satisfaction, if both parties are participating for different reasons?

And if not, should you regret it in the morning if the other person won't remember, and you already knew that?

The festivities ended when we got back from jumping the car, after spending an hour trying to find the ring whilst being completely drunk and freezing outside at five a.m. In a drunken rage, K left and accused my sister of being thoughtless of anybody but herself.

The next morning, my mother left, not bothering to say goodbye and saying that 'the environment wasn't a good one to accomplish what she needed to get done.'

When the morning aged and broke through my haze, I felt worse for more than just a bad hangover. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he didn't remember anything, and he still doesn't know the full extent of what we did. Spending the next day and a half with him might prove difficult when last night, was all I can think about.

I don't have feelings for Nick, besides ones of friendship, but the fact of the matter is that I don't know him. The fact of the matter is, he is completely unavailable.

So how far is too far in the name of too many beers? How long should we keep others in the dark, if it means saving both parties the drama of it all?

That's all.

Signed,

A fabulous gay man,

Queen Trixe J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/W/8/R/sexandthecitypic10.jpg )

Enough of Me

2009-03-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

I like this picture. I saw it and I wanted to put it in tonight's entry.

It's spring break and even though I have been a break ever since I left school, I'm about to go back to a regular life soon. I'm nervous, anxious, excited and just a little bit regretful that it's ending.

But all the positives outweigh the negatives. I'm going to be getting paid, I'm going to continue my education, I'll be doing something again, rather than laying around the house.

I have so many goals and so many dreams and ideas for my life, and I just don't know where to begin and how to get there. All I know is that somehow I'm going to get there. I'll cut the parts out of my dreams that have to be along the way, but other than that I want to just not be miserable when I'm older. A goal that many adults in my experience, have not achieved.

My mother and I had a great talk this evening, driving from Wichita to Lawrence. Mostly about our family. We talked about me, as well and issues that we all have in our lives. I almost cried because I had a breakthrough.

Some things (that I will not discuss) have caused major self-esteem issues. I go around in my life like I know who I am, and like I'm ready for a relationship because I've had 18 single years to figure myself out. But having 18 single free years does not mean that I am happy with myself and that I am ready for a relationship.

I realized that my self-esteem is way lower than I had ever thought it was. So now I'm doing some work on myself and for myself. I'm going to be doing an overhaul to become the person that I really am...the person that I should be.

This realization has been huge for me. All this evening it has been on my mind. I have to totally relearn things I thought I knew about myself. It's scary, and it's big.

Somehow, I'm going to figure this out. Somehow I'll recover from this thing that I didn't know was boiling beneath the surface all along. I've been too busy taking care of the people in my life to realize that the person I need to start taking care of, is myself.

I've wanted so badly to find love for a long time. But I'm a firm believer in loving yourself before ever allowing someone else to love you. So that's what I'm going to figure out how to do. That's what this entry is all about.

I feel so lost and so jaded at some points, and this task is not to be taken lightly. But I'm going to take it one day at a time. Because that's all that I can do. That's all I know how to do.

That's all.

He was only your fool for a while

2009-02-25T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'm writing to you from L-town, again. Recently, there had been some changes to my living arrangments, as per my own decisions.

I had decided that living in Lawrence was going to be too much of a burden. I would have to get a job and help pay rent, and go to school at the same time, even though the agreement was that I wouldn't have to get a job my first year.

I withdrew from the University and by the end of the week, I was out. I went first, to Tal-town. I would have been living with my father, so the first priority on my list would have been to get a job to save up enough money to pay rent somewhere and get my own place. I was then going to (after getting my own place) get enrolled in online school and get a business degree.

But my father wanted me to live by rules that I felt I had outgrown, not to mention, an unspoken rule that would put me back in the closet. He wanted me to have a curfew and tell him where I was going, and go to church and no smoking, and all of that. I just figured, I'm 18 years old, about to be 19. The whole reason for moving out in the first place was to gain my independence.

So I tried it up in Minnesota with my mother. I love my mother to death, and I love that she was willing to help me out. I wouldn't have had to pay rent, and I could start school whenever I wanted. My mother lives in a hotel right now, because that's the accomodations her job is providing her. I just didn't feel like I was fully settled in...like a hotel could be my home for a year. Most importantly, I was away from everyone I loved and everything I knew.

After spending a week there, I decided to come full circle, and live back in Lawrence. The place where my independence was in the exact place I needed it to be. I tried to get back into the University, but they said re-enrollment for this semester wouldn't be possible. However, I think my dad and I will work something out for the summer courses, and then I can resume a regular schedule in the fall.

I am getting a job, for those of you who are wondering. Without school, my only other option is to go to work. Honestly, I don't mind it. As long as I wouldn't have to do both at the same time until summer came around. Really it's better this way so that I can focus on getting a job, instead of having to wait until my day of classes was over.

I'm in a much healthier place with all of this at the moment. I've decided to just live my life, and be young and enjoy myself.

Life will not get the best of me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture From: http://www.monheganboat.com/img/sunset313.jpg)

In a Dark Wood

2009-02-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

It is sunday. I am currently sitting alone on Carissa's (my sister) couch and watching 'I am Sam'. This is one of the single most emotional movies I have seen in my life.

But then it is also, right now, one of the single most emotional times of my life as well.

The picture is sort of representative of my emotional state right now. In the beginnings of Dante's Inferno, he is in a 'dark wood' which allegorically has been interpreted to mean he has come to a point where he didn't know which way to turn, he didn't know how he got to where he was at in his life, and he might be moving towards suicide or might be past the point of no return.

Don't worry. I am not, as he might say, so deep into the wood where the sun is silent. You won't have to read this and come talk me off of a ledge.

I just think this is what happens to me when something major is going to occur and is occuring in my life. I'm moving back to Wichita. It is an attempt to take control of my future, and to push myself into adulthood. I need that I think.

My mother has been saying how she thinks this year is one of major change and growth for all of us. She says she wants us all to be independent of each other by 2010. I tend to agree with her. I want to really be able to call myself an adult and handle my car, cell phone, taxes and all of that. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and honestly say, "Yes, I take care of and am responsible for myself."

There is so much that can happen, and might happen with this decision. I am unwilling to turn back however. I refuse. This is something that I have to learn and deal with.

I just wish that it might be somewhere else than Wichita. In order to save money until I get a job and enough money to move out, I have to live with my father. To put it in a way that you will understand: I have to hide everything about who I am.

He doesn't know (I haven't told him anyway) that I am gay. I haven't told him that I smoke cigarettes, etc. I really thought I was done with all the hiding, and now when I need it most, it is not an option to be out and proud.

It is a sacrifice. And I'm going to make it. Because that's what being an adult means. Sometimes doing something painful in order to make things better.

Another issue has occupied my thoughts. We all know and love (to hate) him...Derrick. He had said to me, to forget him. To forget he ever existed. So I wrote him my goodbye letter and have gotten rid of all evidence of his existence. To me, this boy is dead. But...my memories are not.

I will have no problems not seeing or talking to this stranger. This shell of a person I used to know. Still, moving back there has evoked emotions in me I thought to be extinct.

No not love. Regret. Hurt. Anger.

These emotions, I have learned, are not extinct only dormant. Sometimes I just want to shut everyone out and just stay in my apartment when I don't have to work. I wish I could say 'Fuck You' to the world and to love and to men...sometimes to friends.

People hurt other people. It is the human condition. These words I have heard spoken somewhere, though I can't remember where. And none ring more true to me now.

So I'm moving back to an old place in order to start a new life.

I'm not asking for much...

but if you could wish me luck? I would be your biggest fan.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://customize.org/thumbnails/large/53383.jpg )

*Since this post, I have befriended Derrick again. I harbor absolutely NO hard feelings towards him and I am in fact very happy for his relationship with one of our long time friends 'Dallas'

To know the way

2009-02-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm in that dream, where you're standing in the middle of the desert and the wind is blowing the sand around with the sun bearing down on you, and you're just standing there.

I feel caged still, in Lawrence. Like I'm being tied down here by obligations that are not my own. I ~~want~~ need to get out of here and may won't come fast enough.

Still, I don't know where I'm going to go after school is over. I know that I want to move away from Lawrence, and I know that I want to be out on my own taking care of my own shit. I don't want to have to worry about anyone but myself. I want to come when I please, go when I please, do what I please however I please.

I've been taking care of everyone else for most of my life. I've been letting everyone else dictate where my life was going and how it was going to get there.

I have my own dreams now and I have my own goals. How am I supposed to breathe in this box that I'm in? How am I supposed to live when life as we know it, is holding me down?

Lawrence, that apartment, even KU has just become too small for me. Like a shirt that squeezes the crap out of you when you put it on, but you still wear it anyway. You suck in your gut to make yourself feel like you can get away with wearing it. Well I'm taking off that shirt. I'm getting on with my life.

I think about just quitting KU, moving out sometime during the night and disappearing out of everyone's lives for a while. I'm ready for change. Like right now.

Still, I just have to accept that I have to stay for four months and then it's over. I will plan what I'm doing and I suppose it's better to have this time than not. But I'm just so lost right now. Lost and hating the place I'm lost in.

I would do anything to know the way.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. The first

(Picture From: http://www.6stepnichesites.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/lost.jpg )

Urge

2009-01-17T00:14:00.000-08:00

You have to love the fire engine red. And Hello! The picture is so very "Mean Girls".

But that is not what this is about. This is about what is going on in my life right now. I've been thinking about the New Year and about what I've been unhappy with in my life in 2008.

I already got rid of one big one. No need to name names. But I'm talking about things that have to do with me personally.

I've decided to start writing in my work-out blog again, and just writing in general. I'm becoming more motivated to do a lot of things. Like keep up on my blogging and wake up early to enjoy my mornings.

That's something I've started to think about recently. What could I do to add more enjoyment to my life? And my mother has always talked about how she likes to enjoy her mornings. You know, sit down and sip at her coffee, flip through a magazine if she feels like it or even turn on the television.

So I decided to try that. I woke up two full hours ahead of the time I needed to be at school, and I took a good long shower and then I got dressed in a cute outfit and sat down to watch some television with my cup of coffee.

Moulin Rouge was on, which is one of this Diva's all time favorite movies. I was going to write some in my novel, but decided that this first time was just going to be about lazy-relaxation. Not productive-relaxation.

It really charged me up for my day. I felt good all the way through. I watched a few episodes of Brothers & Sisters in between my classes, which I adore by the way. I only have about three courses (until I take my math placement quiz.) and it's fabulous. I love my teachers and the course work should be easy.

Of course I'm only taking a light load because I want to A) Do better with my grades and B) I'm moving to MHTN, KS after this semester.

That's right folks, I don't plan to move to Minnesota any longer. There are several reasons for this though. 1) I'm not going to be staying very long, only about a year and although it would be a good experience to live somewhere else, I feel that it would not be conducive to my plan. 2) I have a plan. Whereas before? I didn't.

Now I'm going to get a job, (and possibly a student loan) and take some online courses geared towards opening up a business.

It's going to be small, quaint and nothing I can't handle. I might turn it into a chain, but that's like "Woah Nelly." I haven't even started the business so I shouldn't be thinking about getting a chain off the ground until I actually have a business up and running.

I figure the experience and the financial backing of myself will allow me to move on to other Business ventures. Like a club, and a staging company.

I have big plans and I hope, a bright future.

Besides, if that doesn't work out, I will just have to have the resilliance to come back strong and get a degree.

This is all is a very scary time, but that's life. I can't spend it sequestered away in my room. I've got to get out there and do what I think is best for myself. And this plan of action is what I think will be best for me.

I don't know the details. I don't know if everything will work itself out. All I know is that I've got a dream, and I've got a motivation.

And when you think about it? That's kind of what this country is all about.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(Picture from: http://www.art4kids.com/images/all/Spring2005/21488-Fabulous.jpg )

Love & Happiness

2008-12-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

These past few months I have been searching for two things: Love and happiness.

Really you could say I've been looking for them a long time. But for some reason I could never ever find them. It was like a particularly frustrating game of hide and seek.

I'm a strong believer in the message that things happen for a reason. That out of chaos comes beauty. Out of hardship and adversity comes strength and courage.

So, I hadn't given up on finding these things. I had only started to work on things that had bothered me in my life. Things like my friendships and things like my schooling.

I think it is always around this time, with a new year once again blossoming on the horizon, that I look to what the future may hold for me.

Recently, I've met a wonderful guy on the internet. We haven't jumped into heavy flirting, we haven't talked dirty. It was simply a good old fashioned meeting of two strangers who would then begin to share nice long conversations.

This guy and I have many things in common and it's always a delight to talk to him. If this were the past, I would have jumped into this whole thing with a relationship in mind, right off the bat. Without even ever having met him. But this time, it was different. I've become a different person, because I wasn't desperate for things to be anymore than they were.

This has been a gift. How much I have learnt and grown in the past six months have been a blessing. Because I'm realizing what really matters in my life, and who really matters. I'm learning what I should be spending my time focusing on.

I don't need a man in my life to be worth something. I don't need a man in my life to know that I am a good person, or a beautiful person. Those are things I have to know inside of myself. Like knowing that I have the potential to be an amazing student, or knowing that my life has a lot in store for me.

Life seems to be just one big gorgeous prospect right now. And hey. It may not always be that way, and it may not always feel wonderful. I know that in the past it hasn't always felt that way. But if I can just take a little piece of this moment and keep it with me, then I'll be alright.

If I will just remember that I've made it this far and that things could always be worse, then I will be just fine. If I do my damndest and work my butt off, I can have anything that I strive for. Life is one big opportunity. And I'd be a fool not to take it.

There are still so many things I want to do and experience. Learn and accomplish.

So even if this guy and I don't work out, or even if I don't end up staying in Kansas, or if my best friend and I get in a fight...I will always have myself. I will always have the knowledge that this is not the end, if I don't want it to be. I can always work harder, and think bigger.

And as long as there's that to hold onto (along with my sense of humor.) then I can always bring Love & happiness into my life. No matter what.

This is a lesson I am beginning to learn.

And lord it is beautiful.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

(picture from: http://www.successinspired.com/wp-content/uploads/Happiness--Henry-David-Thoreau-Magnet-C11750605.jpg )

Winter song

2008-12-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

It is snowing outside. Today is Tuesday which means my first class is at 9:30 in the morning. It wasn't snowing at first. But it was really chilly and so I put on a scarf.

I wish I had gloves, so that I could wear them and not have my fingers freeze off. But anyway, I don't and so I just stick my hands in my pocket.

I was in the middle of giving my final presentation in my PRE class and it just started flurries and then full on snowing.

It is so beautiful. I wish I could go out and play in it. I wish I could go home and curl up on the couch and drink hot chocolate while watching old movies that I love.

There's a lot of things I wish for. Especially in the face of a new year.

I'm happy that I'm trying to better my life by moving to Minnesota and getting job and just really integrating myself into the community up there.

Still, this holiday is going to be hard. Not christmas, but new years.

Last new years I was with Derrick and Alex. We sat around playing cards and eating chips and queso, while listening to Melissa Etheridge. We drank sparkling cider and toasted at midnight.

'It's coming on christmas and they're cutting down trees'. You know that Joanie Mitchell song, "I wish I had a river I could skate away on."

I've been listening to it recently and I don't know. The holidays are supposed to be a good time, and even though I'm not depressed and even though I'm not entirely sad...I still can't stop feeling regret that I'm not his friend.

I'm done apologizing though. There's only so much I can do. There's only so much I am willing to allow myself to do to tell him that I'm sorry.

Especially when he hasn't had the decency to do the same.

But anyway, I'm really happy because I get until the 14th of January off until I have to go back to class. Mom and I are planning on maybe going to visit Aunt V and the new baby after I'm off.

But we're not sure if that's going to happen.

I would really love to see how Tim is adjusting to being a father. I love that kid. He's been like a brother to me. It is sad that we don't talk more.

Like I said, a lot of things are sad to me.

Still I'm going to be happy to spend time with my families. I love doing christmas things. It isn't the presents, it's all the tradition. Baking cookies with my grandmother on christmas eve.

Opening the one present on christmas eve. Watching cheesy old movies on the couch, and eating popcorn. Doing finger paintings and making chains from construction paper.

It's things like these that warm my heart and my spirit. So maybe...just maybe things will turn out better than I expect.

I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall gently outside the window. And as I do, I'm thinking of all of you. And wishing you a happy holiday and a better new year.

Much Love.

All the world's a blur.

2008-12-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm so apathetic these days. I just want to get out of (L) so badly.

All I ever do is go to school and I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of waking up to get to the bus and I'm sick of walking all over campus to get to my classes.

I'm sick of riding the bus and I'm sick of never eating lunch and I'm sick of just having enough money to get back home and be with my friends and mother only on the weekends.

I'm sick of staying in this freakin' apartment, and I'm sick of eating frozen pizza for dinner every dang night.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all.

Minnesota is my out. And I have to wait for it. It was too perfect because I was going to leave this place and I was going to a different state entirely and I was going to do it all by January. Then I find out that I'm not leaving until the house in Westmorland is sold.

I'm not complaining about living there after I get out of (L) but I'm complaining because I have another 5 friggin months before that's a reality.

I love my sister, and I love that she's given me this opportunity to be here. I just hate the place is all.

It really isn't anyone's fault. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm 18 years old for crying out loud, and I'm still being treated like I'm a child. That is mostly my fault. I don't say no to my mother or sister when they offer me their help. I ask for it often in fact.

But being in (L) has just put me in the worst place possible, emotionally. In Minnesota, I'm going to have a job and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to join a writing group and take cooking classes.

I feel like I'm stuck here, waiting to live my life. And what if it's too late? What if something awful happens during the 5 months I'm stuck here, and I can't leave??

I want to go out on my own and make my own life. That's what all this is about. Instead, I'm living with my sister, whom I've known my whole life. In an apartment in a town that I hate. I'm going to school at a college where I'm not happy.

So yes, I'm apathetic. Yes I don't care about anything in (L). But it's because it's become a prison to me.

I will wait. As Melissa says, I'll pace my cage every morning and rattle my chains every night, I'll stare past the bars never knowing, with nothing left to put up a fight.

I will bide my time, and all the world will be a blur.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. The First

Shame on America

2008-11-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

It is amazing to me that in our country, the one founded and created on principles and ideals of freedom and equality, that there is still discrimination and hatred going on around us.

Society has chosen minority after minority to pick on because of all their problems and issues they can't take credit for.

Except this time, they've gone too far. They've taken away the right in 1 of the 2 states that even allow gay people to marry.

What I want to know is, how in the hell the churches and people that funded this to pass, can sleep at night. That's what I want to know.

I want to know that if they are such ''good people'' why they couldn't have used that money on something useful, like building hospitals in Africa, or donating to the homeless shelters, or breast cancer research, or AIDS research?

It is said that the supporters of prop 8 spent about $35.8 million dollars on this campaign. Why?
Is it really so big of a deal for gay people to have equal footing in this country? Is it really such a big deal if Adam and Steve do get married and have a happy, loving, stable home life?

In fact isn't that one of the major complaints about the gay community? That they are wild and out of control, party goers?

So then why are you trying to stop those of us who want to settle down with the love of our lives, from doing so?

A lot of people used to think that if we ever had a black president, the world would collapse. Well America, Obama has been elected and guess what? Life goes on. Volcanoes didn't erupt, frogs didn't fall from the sky, and all the worlds first born children did not die of God's wrathful smite.

For something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of America, and only involves the two loving people who want to get married, this sure is the most ridiculous thing since Anita Bryant.

What I also want to know is how in the world, did America allow this to happen? How could you take away the few rights that we've worked so hard to gain? How could you allow for us to be publicly embarrased like that?

You know what I have to say to you? SHAME. SHAME ON YOU. SHAME ON AMERICA.

I promise you, as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will fight. I will protest and demonstrate and you will see a force the likes of which you have never seen before.

I will not stop. I will not go away. I will not be silenced.

I am a Fucking American Damn it.

-J.H.-

Realize

2008-11-04T08:55:00.001-08:00

So much has changed in so little time. I haven't stopped to really digest any of it.

In my last post I told [Derrick] that I wasn't going to contact him anymore or check up on him. And then I did. I didn't want a response from him, I just needed him to know that I was sorry for what I said to him.

Except part of me was hoping that he would respond. It doesn't matter of course, if he did. I'd still be moving to Minnesota in a year and I'd still be living my life away from Wichita.

Only, I know why he doesn't respond. It's because he still thinks I'm crazy. And...what if I am? What if there are things that I do, that I don't even realize I am doing? What if everything I say to him now has a tint of insanity to it?

I know that by contacting him, I probably only reaffirmed in his mind that I'm still desperate for him, except that I'm not. He is so different now than he ever was before. I don't even know who the hell he is! So how can I possibly love him?

It's perfectly clear how much he has changed...but how much have I changed? How many little things don't I know about myself? I spent so much time trying to reconcile the past that I forgot about my present. And subsequently my future is getting pissed on.

I don't blame anyone but myself. This whole "derrick debacle" as I like to call it, has cost me way more trouble than it was worth. I'm worried that this whole thing will keep me from ever letting myself feel what love can be.

To be honest, I have cried a handful of times about this. The rest of the time, I'm ignoring it. It's like Melissa Etheridge says in her song (lyrics below) 'Ruins'. "If I am to heal, I must first learn to feel."

I don't think I've allowed myself to really feel the pain. I don't think I've really come to appreciate the gravity of what's happened. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it.

Either way, I apologized, and that's it. That's the only thing I had left to say. The only thing I had to offer. And yeah, it would've been nice to get a response. It would have been nice to hear him say he's sorry for once.

After that email I said, "I'm done apologizing." Because I am. I am so sick and tired of being the one to apologize to the people who have hurt me. Somehow, my self-esteem is so low that I would be willing to accept someone back into my life after they have shit all over me.

Who does that? Why??? I am so...angry with myself. Everytime I think about all the people who I've lost over the years, I always feel regret, and the people who've hurt me? They get off Scot-Free. They probably don't even bat an eye when they think about what they've done.

Anyway. It's a part of the growing up I still have to do. I have to learn when enough is enough. I have to learn when to walk away. I have to learn that even a glutton for punishment has his limits. That is exactly how I feel about my life: I'm a glutton for punishment.

Sometimes I do know that I get intense. I'm not sorry for that. I have feelings, and I'm not going to be afraid to feel them. I'm not going to apologize because I care about someone, and tell them so. I'm not going to apologize because I let that person wholly into my life, because I wanted them there.

I will always feel strongly about everything I do. That includes love. That includes friendship. And I think people can misinterpret that, as insanity. What I think is insane, is living your life being dull, and never allowing yourself to push your limits.

I know I've gone off on a tangent, but please bear with me.

If there is anything this experience has done for me, it is that I am beginning to realize all that I am. Maybe some of those parts of me aren't pretty. Maybe some of the things I say or do are strange. But everyone has their little idiosyncracies, and if someone will not accept me because of mine then FUCK 'EM.

I'm a young adult. I'm growing up...and it sucks. Jesus it sucks. But I do know there is a lot I am doing to better myself. I am taking control of my future by moving to Minnesota. I'm taking control of my future by deciding where * I * want to go to college. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I am going to exercise. I'm taking control of myself by deciding that I'm not going to date, for a really long time.

I'm taking the steps. I'm going to "Fake it, until I make it." Do the action, and the feeling will follow.

The thing is...it's not about what Derrick thinks of me. But it's a problem when I can't separate what he thinks of me, from what I think of me. I need to know that I'm not crazy. I need to know that I'm not too strange.
I need to feel some iota of normalcy in this thing called life.

I will move. When I do, I can meet new people and do new things. I won't be in the shadow of my past. I'm going to create new friends and new memories. And I'll meet people who make me feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of my soul will finally come back. Those years of my life that I've wasted...that will eventually begin to fade.*

It feels like starting from scratch. I've gotten over him, but...what does life after him mean?

The question, I will begin to explore from this point on will no longer be: Will he ever accept me?, it is going to be: Who am I?

What does being me, mean?

I'm legally an adult. It's time I find out.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

* This is based on a quote in the movie "The holiday." Starring Kate Winslet.

Ruins - Melissa Etheridge
Don't try to call
There are some bridges that burned
Beyond recognition beyond repair

Don't say you've changed
There are some forces that turned
Beyond recollection beyond my stare

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know you're there.

Long ago I was a woman in pain,
A woman in need,
I ran to you.

Long ago I did not understand
You were making me bleed
I ran to you

When I feel the cold in the dark
I know what you do

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

I know your heart
has held its own fear
It's perfectly clear
What they did to you

But in my heart it's the screaming I hear
I won't let them come near
Since my love knew you
When I feel the cold in the dark
I remember you.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

Night after night
I am carving it out
I will carry it down to the waterside

Night after night
I am hearing the sound
Of wings that come beating
I will not hide.

When I feel the cold in the dark,
I will know why.

I will crawl through my past
Over stones blood and glass
In the ruins.

Reaching under the fence
As I try to make sense
In the ruins.

But if I am to heal
I must first learn to feel
In the ruins.
I will crawl
I will crawl
I will cra-a-a-awl.

Selfish

2008-10-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

There is nothing that I ever wanted more than to see you happy.

Except I always thought, selfishly, that happiness would include me.

If ever there was a time that you felt betrayed by me, scared of me, hurt by me, angry at me: it has been because I was selfish, and because the we were both too damn stubborn to take any blame.

I always want the last word, and I got it. Except somehow, I don't sleep better at night after saying those things to you, and apparantly they have no affect on you.

In the end, all I did was make you hate me. All I did was make a mockery of myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

The strongest thing I've felt for you is love, and that wasn't enough because it was selfish. I never once took into consideration how you might be feeling about all of this. Maybe you didn't offer it, but I didn't have to take that chance from you.

I deserve all the tears I can cry for saying those things, and even though I also deserve better than what you gave me, I know you'll never be sorry for any of it.

You have what you have always wanted, and you don't care what happens to me now.

At first, I didn't know why I was checking up on you. For the past three nights in a row I've dreamed of you, and I had been doing SO good keeping away from you. I thought maybe it was a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. I haven't talked to you and I probably never will. But at least now I know...you're with him again.

I think I was meant to see that. I really have been feeling better about where I'm at with this whole thing, and I haven't thought about you in a while. So I guess this was kind of like the end of my closure.

I know that you won't ever need closure, because you never really cared but, in case you were wondering...It's ok. I'm glad you found what you needed.

And even though you're not wondering: I'm the only one.

I'm ready to move on all the way now. I will in no way ever again speak to, or check up on you.

I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to be unselfish.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Gotta follow that dream...

2008-10-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

So recently I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life in L-Town and...how maybe I need to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate this wonderful opportunity I've had, but...there are just so many things going through my head right now.

All college professors have to go through the same certification process, in order to be certified. Right? Right. So any college really would be the same, if you want to talk about it. And save me the outraged cries of "Not really" and "What about Harvard?"

I think that I've gotten all I can out of Lawrence for the time being. I feel a lot of things about my daily routine that just...I don't know.

From the get go, I've had trouble getting used to my surroudings. I'm a very introverted person, which means that I get exhausted by people. And all the traveling I have to do just so that I can do some more travelling on campus? Sooo not worth it.

You know college campuses gouge you. You do know that right? Like all the fees that they charge for parking, and food and dorms? That's how they make all of their money. If you were really just paying for an education and not all those extra things, then I bet the bill would be a lot cheaper.

Also, this small two bedroom, one bathroom apartment is just not going to cut it for three people. I'm sorry if that sounds spoiled or whatever, but I just need my space. The wall are paper thin, the food is scarce and the company can't really be called company.

I need to feel like I'm apart of this community. But look at jobs for instance. In a college town, it is logical to assume that the demand for jobs will far outweigh the supply of jobs. Which means that it's a competitive job market here. So when the time comes that I'm paying for everything on my own, how can I expect to be able to rely on the chance of getting a job here??

On top of which, I have no roommate prospects for next year, so that's going badly.

I really feel like there's so much more out there that would be better suited for me than to live in Lawrence and go to school in L-Town.

I'm young. I have nothing tying me down to this place. No lease, no job and my education for the semester will be over in a few months. Which means that I'm...free. And that's a good feeling. I have come up with a plan. I'm going to find a way to move back to Wichita, and then go to school there.

Then after spring semester, I'm going to move to Minnesota for a year and a half. My mother is going to be living there and she has agreed to house me as long as I'm working or going to school (and I'm going to be doing both). As for school, I'm going to try and get as much financial aid as possible along with the fact that I'll be working. I'm going to do online schooling. For me that makes so much more sense.

I won't have to do any traveling to campus, I won't have to wake up early to catch the bus, and the flexible schedule allows for a lot of time for homework and a real life. I have plans to get involved in the community. I want to join a gym and a writer's group. I want to take cooking lessons, or at least watch some Rachel Ray because cooking has always been an interest I would like to have learned about.

I have come to realize there are so many more opportunities for me out there in the world. Bigger than Kansas. Bigger than KU. Bigger than Lawrence. I feel trapped here. Don't ask me why but I just do.

Now that I am trying to take control of my own future and now that I am deciding where * I * want to go and not where my family wants me to go, then I'll start feeling like an adult. Maybe I'm being stupid about this. Maybe I have it better than I realize (and I realize that I do indeed have it good). But if I can make it better, and I have that chance...why would I not take it??

There are so many things I want to do in my future, and none of it can be accomplished here. I don't *want* any of it to be accomplished here. I need to feel like I'm making my own decisions. And hey, if it ends up being fucked up, well then I can't blame anybody but myself.

Now is the time. Now, when I'm young and when I've got nothing to lose. So I'm doing it. I'm setting out on the path to becoming my own person.

Wish me luck.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Quitting Point

2008-10-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

At what point do we quit? That question has been on my mind lately.

When is it that we become so disheartened that we just give up?

There are times when I believe I've reached that point. But the nights eventually turn into days and I get up because I have responsibilities. To everyone. To myself.

The movie "The Wedding Date" has a quote that says something along the lines of "Every girl has the exact love life that she wants." And what if that's true? What if in our hearts we are exactly where we want to be? What if our minds tell us we want something different?

I'm writing tonight because I have been searching for love, practically hunting it down avidly, for the past 4 years of my life. Yet I still have not had a boyfriend, I've been on three dates total, and I feel like I've been cheated.

They say that 'the universe listens' and 'The Secret' is all about wanting something and letting yourself have it. What the hell is that? I've wanted a boyfriend, a relationship for 4 years. How much wishing do I have to do to get one?

Tonight as I was talking to my cousin, whom is in a desperate situation, he told me 'I've accepted my situation.' How sad is that? When you have to 'accept' your 'situation'?

What if I don't WANT to accept my situation? What if I demand my happiness?

I know it doesn't change anything. I'll still wake up tomorrow, alone. I'll still spend my saturday doing laundry and writing.

I spend so much of my time worrying about what boys think about me. What people must think about me. I'm too fat, my hair is awful and if I had anymore oil on my face you would have thought someone rubbed popcorn all over it.

Most of the time, I can control these thoughts. My hair isn't that bad, I'm not THAT overweight. I've lost weight since coming to college.

But really, when I do make an effort and STILL it doesn't matter, why should I bother?

Why don't I just go through my days looking my worst? Because I would get the same result as now. What's the point in wishing for something that I don't think is going to happen?

Oh call me cynical. But really? I only think it isn't going to happen because it hasn't already. All these years of trying to find the right combination of style, haircut and hygene and for what? for WHAT?

People try their damndest every day. To: get that promotion, to finally get their significant other to pop the question, to finish that thesis paper. And every day, there's someone that gets shit on. They get passed over on the promotion because they're gay. Their significant other is still seeing their Ex-lover. The thesis paper was good but not good enough.

So at what point do we just say: "Ok life! I give up! I'm done! You win!" ?

At what point is that ok?

Because I am sooo close to that. I want to do it now, just forget about everything and everyone and just say 'fuck it.'

I put soo much thought and energy into thinking about finally finding someone. Now I'm just...starting to get bitter. I just want say "FUCK YOU LOVE."

But somehow...I can't bring myself to do so...because it STILL wouldn't make a difference.

I don't expect anyone to understand where this is all coming from. But believe me, it is frustrating as hell.

I'm sorry to have unleashed all of that on you.

That's all.

J.H.

And when I look at myself in the mirror...

2008-09-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hey, this one's going to be a little short, because I'm at school and I've only got twenty minutes before my next class.

I just...wanted to write an entry because I was online and I've been thinking alot lately about myself.

I actually did all of my homework yesterday! I came to class feeling totally prepared and it was a great feeling, let me tell you. I felt like I was on top of things.

But there's still alot of things I need to work on before I can feel better.

You see I've taken myself off the dating market, and I'm not going back on it no matter what until I am completely satisfied with who I am.

I have to start exercising on a regular basis, and I've got to make sure I have all my responsibilities taken care of before doing something else for fun. I'm also trying to figure out how I can take care of myself financially. I know I don't have to do it right now, but eventually I have to be able to pay my dad for my sophomore year of college.

That's going to suck, but I've got to stick to it. My mother said she would pay me to help her renovate the westy hosue this summer, so I'm going to do that obviously. (free meals and free room and board and all that.)

Anyway, I just...I've been realizing how much I've changed over the past few months. And why. If Derrick hadn't broken my heart I wouldn't be where I am today. I would not be as motivated, as emotionally developed or as strong.

So in the words of Christina Aguilera: Thanks for making me a fighter.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the first.

Home is where my heart is and where it shall remain

2008-09-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

They always say 'Home is where the heart is', and for me this is true.

For a few weeks now, the question has been, where is home?

As a college student I am going through what all of us go through: the transition from high school to college. From teenager to young adult. More responsibilities are being layed upon us all to grow up, take care of ourselves, and eventually kick-start our way into the 'real-world'.

I don't dispute that I do live in L-Town now, and I do love it here, but when I visit the place that I called home for a 3/4's of my life I realize that my heart will always be there. Maybe not always, but as long as I still have people I care about there. As long as I still have family there, and as long as I feel like that's where I belong.

I know that I'm still setting up a life here (hell I haven't even unpacked all my things) but I'll always know that this place? Is just a temporary place that I'll live in until I find my path in life. It doesn't mean that I won't enjoy it. It doesn't mean that I won't be sad to see it go, four years down the road, but there is no doubt in my mind that I don't really belong here.

I have goals and I have dreams and they don't involve Kansas. As much as it would pain me to say goodbye, I know it will be worth it when I say 'hello' to my future. To where I've been working towards all these years, and will continue to work towards.

Lately I've been seeing a lot of empowering movies. Oh sure, alot of movies are empowering, but it's the ones that show people who had circumstances standing in their way of happiness and seeing them overcome those circumstances that really gives me hope.

The Last Holiday, The Women, Sex and the City. All are great movies. All have given me comfort these past few days.

They make my goals seem more obtainable, my burdens less heavy. Still, I'm here.

It's Sunday evening and I have just returned from my hometown. I didn't let anyone know that I was coming, and I didn't make any plans. For once in all the times that I have been there, I truly felt relaxed. I helped my mother fix her basement carpet, I watched movies, I surfed the web at leisure. I didn't have any obligations.

Always there was this pressure of letting everyone know I was coming, and seeing if they could fit me in their schedule, and instead of all that I just said 'forget it. This weekend is about me and my mother, and enjoying ourselves'. That is exactly what we did.

I wasn't...sad to come back to Lawrence per ce. I was just...homesick. On the ride home I was thinking about the apartment that I'm staying in, and I was thinking about how much I always miss my mother. How lonely it can get sometimes when you're away from those you care about most.

I came 'home', turned on my television and put in Queer As Folk to comfort me. It was the one where Michael came back from Oregon, and he was ashamed to be back, because that meant he had failed in his new life.

I can relate to Michael, in fact, I was a little afraid that maybe I might not succeed in my own new life.

Then Ted sat beside him, put his arm around Michael's shoulder and said "As for coming home, there's no shame in that, it's what it's here for."

So tonight when I got to bed and I think about my mother and her adorable puppy Denver, and even if I dream about them, I won't feel bad.

Because home?

It's where my heart is, and where it shall remain.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Metamorphoses

2008-08-29T22:52:00.001-07:00

I'm hurt. I've been hurting, for a while now. Only I haven't been admitting it to myself. Because it's been more than six months and I should be over him. Everyone expects me to be over him. For so long, I've been telling myself that I'm moving on, and that I am working towards a better life for myself.

But for the past six months I've been hiding behind a facade of change and healing. I haven't been healing. I've been mourning. I've been mourning the death of myself. I've been clinging on to who I was, when I knew him, because it was just another way to keep him.

The truth is, I've been angry and bitter. About life. Where before I was happy and nonchalant to the point that I was carefree.

Except now I'm waking up. I can breathe again. It's been so long since I've felt...in control and alive.

I don't know that I've ever felt this way before.

I was watching 'My Best Friend's Wedding', and of course marveling at the amazing Julia Roberts, when it occured to me. I am Julia. So to speak. I am that girl. Who is still in love with the groom, and still waiting for him to realize that he's in love with me.

Except that moment doesn't come. He still marries Cameron Diaz, and she is still alone. And I sat there thinking to myself, that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be at his wedding, pining away for him, trying to make him see me. Because he doesn't see me. He hasn't for a long time.

That life ends for Julia, when the credits roll, but what of me? I can't just stay frozen forever in a period in my life where loving him is still ok. Because it's not.

The other day I cracked. I sent him a text message, because I was having a weak moment. We've been talking off and on, but mostly just because I start topics of conversation randomly. It just makes me feel...pathetic. I've allowed myself to become someone I don't recognize.

I've been blaming love and him for the longest time. I've hidden under a shroud of pain and hurt and used it, as an excuse, to stop living. To just give up.

I don't know why I'm so attached to him. I don't know why I can't just fucking let him go already.

But I've done it. I've realized it, for real this time. That I'm in a far worse place than I thought. That I can't just sit here and tell everyone through my blog that I'm over him and then be done with the matter. That's not how it works.

I haven't let myself properly deal with all of this. I shouldn't be talking to him! I should be telling him to fuck off if he comes within a five mile radius of me.

I was in the shower after the movie, and I just...lost it. That's when I knew. I had to change, I had to let him go, because there's a whole big world out there outside of Kansas. Outside of Wichita, outside of loving him...something that was apart of my world for two and a half years.

All these years, I've been catering to other people. I've been...loyal, nice, true, honest, helpful (to the point where it becomes a hindrance to me.) And while it is good to have these traits in spades, I can no longer push myself aside for others.

I've been existing for 18 years now. I haven't lived a single day.

It feels like, all my life I've been waiting for something to happen that changes my world, that makes everything technicolor where before it was black and white.

I'm 18 and I don't know who I am. Not completely. Or at least...I haven't allowed myself to become who it is that I really am inside, because I don't know...some part of me was afraid that nobody would love the real me. Including myself, if I got to know myself.

So that's changing now. I don't know why this happened, I don't really know how...but I thank god that it did.

I am going to spend the rest of my time on this earth, however long that may be, discovering who I really am, and just...being.

I'm not going to worry about love or hate, I'm not going to stress because I got a $20 parking ticket or I didn't get my math homework done. I'm just going to be.

Tomorrow, when I wake up. I'm going to smile, thank god that I opened my eyes, and I am going to be content in the knowledge that I am ok.

Hello world.

This is me. This is my metamorphoses.

J.H.

Off to get a good ole' edeekashun.

2008-08-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well I'm here. I'm in lawrence now, and I'm officially living 'on my own'. Of course it would be more official if I wasn't living with my sister...but then I wouldn't have my own room, so I don't really mind.

I can't believe it. I'm in college! The feeling is...so weird. In a few years I'll be where Carissa's at: Ready to graduate with a degree and start a job in the 'real world'. I'm interested to discover in which ways I will grow. I can't wait to meet new people and get involved in awesome activities.

I already miss my friends back in Tal-Town. Go figure. But I'll see them again, when I visit them or they visit me. It's strange to think that they won't be a central part of my life anymore. A lot of things are strange these days.

It feels so weird to call this place home. A place that I've only ever visited and never really thought about living. I'm still completely lost when it comes to streets and all that. I guess it'll take me awhile before I'm as good as Carissa at navigating Lawrence.

Xander takes some getting used to. I miss my Denver though. For some reason, Xander looks odd to me, and Denver is just sooooo cute. I won't miss him waking me up at 9 in the morning though. Whimpering because he's stuck in his crate. I always went to let him out because the way he sounded, it was like we were kicking him instead of putting him in a crate with a blanket and toys. Spoiled little thing.

I'm so anxious for classes to start. I wish they were already beginning, but I found out that they don't start until Thursday. Bleh. I guess now I'll have time to really unpack, at my own pace, and set everything up. I do, after all, have a reputation to create...being a responsible student and all.

T's here already too! That's a plus. She's a great friend of mine, and she's taking band so they make her come up here early. Tee! Tomorrow she said she wanted to have lunch with me! WOOT, and we get to watch Queen of the Damned, which I have never seen...which is apparantly a crime in her books. lol.

I finished Breaking Dawn about a week ago! Oh goodness I love the Twilight series. If you have not read it yet, GO! READ. NOW. Remember, the Twilight series by Stephanie Myer. Of course it's a teenager's book about a human falling in love with a vampire, but I liked it. It was intriguing.

I feel like I have nothing to do here though. That's a bit of a problem. I don't know anyone, except Yace, Carissa and Jules. Bleh. I love the girls to death, but Carissa and Jules are working girls. What am I to do all day, till I get a job and start school???

I'm saving up for a new phone. I want to get like a PDA/Palm Pilot type phone. I already went and picked it out at the verizon store, and it's about $170. I've got $50 of that though, thanks to one of dad's friends who sent me graduation money. :D And I think it'll be nice to have something to call my own as well, that I bought with money I saved.

I could've bought it if Mom hadn't have gone away for that entire month that I had to feed and entertain myself...and fix her ant problem, and go grocery shopping. Let me tell you what, seeing that I spent most of my money on that, bites the big one. For reals.

I always feel guilty when it comes to money though. I hate hate hate it when my mother has to transfer money because I'm close to getting an overdraft fee or something. I always feel so careless...and then starts the thoughts of me not being able to handle money, and never being able to make it on my own when I don't have her there to help me. *sigh*

So that's why I'm getting a job as soon as I can. So that she doesn't have to worry about that stuff, and Carissa either. I can help out with the internet bill and the groceries. And I can stock the fridge with whatever I want. Of course I'll ask that they not touch certain items, but I'll share too. :D

I guess the only thing left to do now, besides unpacking I mean, is to find a decent chinese place.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Decidedly Optimistic

2008-07-30T22:05:00.001-07:00

For the first time in a long time I'm feeling...decidedly optimistic. Everything is running smoothly, I believe. And even if it's not, it sure feels like it.

I checked my email today and guess what? My blog is to be featured on http://www.verveearth.com/ !!! I'm really excited about it. They emailed me sometime back in May when I still had my other blog, but the MO is still the same for this blog, so I thought, why the heck not?

That being said, I'm going to take a moment and be a shameless website pimp and market my sites. Aside from this one, I have a role-playing forum that I just created not too long ago with my cousin. You can find it here. It has a fantasy role-playing game that involves magic and mystical creatures, and there's also a star trek RP on there. Bet you didn't know I was a bit Role-playing geek, did ya? (*snickers*)

Now that I have my apparant geekiness out of the way, I'll get to my regular posting material. I'm thinking about starting a podcast, although I'm not sure what it would be about. If I do get one started, I shall definitly let everyone know. Also I'm currently working on a novel. I've got part of Chapter 1 completed, and although it'll take a while for me to finish, I am really excited about it. It's always been a dream, and a life-long goal of mine to write a book and have it published.

Aside from that I've just been generally trying to enjoy my last few days/weeks before school starts. I've begun to feel like I'm ready to handle what the world has to throw at me. Do you know how amazing that is? To feel so bogged down, and so emotionally vulnerable and then all the sudden to just decide to let it go and enjoy life? Just let it go. That's all I had to do.

It puzzles me that I couldn't figure this out before. I've ultimatley decided to go with the flow, wherever my life leads me. New opportunities (like the one listed above) will crop up, and new people will come in to my life, and I know it'll be great. I don't know how I know, but I am positive that my life will be fine.

I'm sure I'll still complain a little bit along the way, but other than that, I will end up ok. And that's really all any of us want, I think. Is to know that their own lives will be validated through their own eyes and that they will be happy with what happens to them.

Constantly people make something of themselves from nothing, and those people? They chose to be happy in life, and in doing so, they changed their circumstances all on their own to become a success. Examples are all around you. and I think I'm about to become one as well.

In regards to my (non-existent) romantic life, I have decided to step out of the market for a while. I'm still not satisfied with my body, and I'm steadily working on changing that. I'm not unhappy by any means, because this issue doesn't consume my life, however I know that I'll view things differently when I'm done with this self-improvement endeavor.

If you're unhappy about something in your life, why just sit there and be unhappy about it? Do something about it, if you can! And most of the time, I've learned that you can. It just makes so much sense to do. The movie that drives this point home is "Wanted" with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. The song that drives this point home is "Open your Mind" by Melissa Etheridge (and really the last five or so songs of her album "The Awakening").

Everything, I must say, is alright with me. I'm happy again.

I'm decidedly...optimistic.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'll pack my bags and load up my guitar, in my pocket I'll carry my heart

2008-07-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, from the great state of Colorado. I'm here on a business trip with my mother, keeping her company. It's been fun so far. We drove the 8 hours it took us to get here, and then we checked in at the holidome. Usually the Holiday Inn is pretty well kept, especially the holidome, but this one SUCKED. It was old and rickety, the door didn't close or open very well. You could hear practically everything through the paper thin walls, and to top it all off the pool was closed. We did try to soak up the heat in the hot tub, but the temperature was so high I thought they were cooking us for dinner.

So we left and came to a different Holiday Inn. The pool isn't as big, but it's more clean and the hot tub doesn't try to fry your skin off. It's also a lot more modern looking. So I'm pretty happy about that.

Our dinner affairs have been pretty good, to me. The first night we were here we chose to eat at a local restaurant called "The Keg". It sounded like the inside would look much like the steakhouses at home: peanut shells on the floor, country music blaring, and cute rough and country cowboys serving you your steak with a wink. Nope, no such luck. Inside was a gorgeous uptown looking interior, belonging to some of the nicer eating establishments back home such as Kwan Court. They served us bread as an appetizer and the manager came over to welcome us and give us a free dish of shrimp with some sort of sauce, which I didn't touch because I like my shrimp breaded. Mom said it tasted like Shrimp sushi. We've also been to Outback, and Village Inn. I think we're going to a sushi place tonight, then to catch an early movie.

So yesterday was eventful...I got to stay at the hotel while my mother went to work. She said she would pop in and pop back out, just showing her face, except it wasn't like that. She was gone for about 5 hours. I mostly read and used the internet.

I don't think I mentioned but I'm going to be visiting family up in Oregon in the next week or two. That wouldn't be a problem ordinarily, except I forgot that I made plans with Derrick on the 19th.

Now let me explain. I'm leaving for college in the fall right? So I figured, one last chance to see him before I move on. But none of my friends really like him, so I decided we should have our own separate goodbye. So I invited him out on the 19th. Fast forward to yesterday. I texted him, after contemplating sending him a message on facebook. I felt it more appropriate to just text him, so I did, telling him I couldn't make it on the 19th and we'd have to reschedule. I also mentioned this cute guy that wasn't Alex that was sitting with him in his profile picture.

I asked questions naturally, because hey, Derrick might as well be SOME use to me right? So after he answers a few questions, I ask him if he could introduce me to the guy if he didn't have a boyfriend...and in reply Derrick says: "Actually he's kinda my boyfriend."

My jaw dropped, my chest ached and my throat tightened. What the fuck. I confronted him about Alex and he said that they were in an open-relationship and that it would take a long time for Alex to earn his whole heart back.

I was floored. Like I had been slapped. So they're seeing other people? All this time I was ok, because at least it was only Alex. At least I knew what I was up against, but this? This was new territory. I was angry and I wanted to call him and bitch him out.

I wanted to scream at him: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?"

I wanted to call and tell him I wasn't going to be his friend...and then that's when I realized something. I already wasn't his friend. I was just this person who used to be his friend, but was now in love with him. Desperately, deeply, and undeniably in love with him.

With that realization came a new conclusion. This wasn't the Derrick I knew. The Derrick I knew was loyal, believed in monogamy, was against smoking cigarettes and liked to spend most of his time at home playing video games and writing for his gaming blog. This new person, this social butterfly that juggles two guys at the same time and gets drunk on the weekends. This other Derrick I knew nothing about.

I came to know then that the Derrick I knew was gone. Alex saw to that. And chances are, he wasn't coming back.

Later that night I was eating dinner, across from my mother and we were talking. As we were my mind drifted to the course my life had taken since that fateful Valentines day. He shut the door on me that day, and no window opened in it's place. What's worse is, that metaphorically? It's a glass door, so I can see what is going on in his life but I can't break through. We're separated by sheets of lock and glass. He's made sure of that. To once have the key to that door and now be on the outside looking in? It hurts...so bad that you can't imagine the pain. To used to be a major part of each other's lives and then be shut out.

I am better than I was 6 months ago. I no longer need him in my life, because I've gone through the process needed to make my life about me again. But not needing him, and not wanting him are two separate things. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I've crossed over to the dark side with him already. I've already fallen for him, and so friendship to me would only be like torturing myself. Putting a cookie in front of my face when I'm on a diet. That's what it would be like.

So finally, and without any notice for him. I just simply turned my back on that glass door. It's still in my peripherals, sure. But not in my full line of sight. He will be in the back of my mind for god knows how long, but I've taken this final step towards ending the journey. Towards ending my torture. And I've taken it for no one else.

Finally, I've done something right, for me.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim; I'm sad to say I miss my friends

2008-07-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

"Why do I give my heart away to trash?" Emmett Honeycutt wonders aloud on my television screen.
I know what Emmett means when he says this, because I too give my heart to the unworthy. Except that's just it isn't it? We don't believe we're worthy of someone's love that will treat us right and do good by us.

I came to this conclusion tonight because I was thinking about Derrick. Yes, I still slip and do that sometimes. He's online right now, and I forgot that he and I are friends on msn messenger. I have my status set to "Appear Offline" automatically so he has no idea that I am on the internet. And besides feeling like a creeper, I feel like something far worse: unworthy.

I miss him, and I miss his friendship. But I only remember the good. I'm trying so hard right now to think about the reasons why I gave up our friendship. I know why. I've hashed and rehashed the issues right here in this very blog.

I went to KU's Freshman Orientation these past two days. Along with me came two of my very close friends. I had an ok time, but it was a lot of work on my part. Getting up early and filling out a lot of paperwork. I suppose I should start getting used to it.

But on the way home I was thinking about all that I was going to be leaving behind when I moved up to the University. I'm leaving behind some good friends, some good memories. I'm leaving behind...familiarity. I'm leaving behind...my old self. Can I make a confession? I'm scared.

Sure everyone's a little scared moving somewhere completely new...but on top of that fear is a sense of misdirection. I'm lost. I don't know where I am in my life. It's like I'm stuck in between my old life and my new one.

So sometimes I want to combine the two. How does this all connect, you ask? I was thinking about the going away party I am going to be hosting, and the guest list. Should I invite Derrick? It's a question that has been bothering me these past few days.

I don't have such romantic feelings for him anymore, per se. But what if he wants to bring Alex? I'm not ready for that. What if it's awkward? What if he shows up, takes one look around and then leaves?

I know what Mama S would say. She would say, "It doesn't matter honey, he's not worth it." or "You'll meet plenty of great guys in college, trust me."

But I can't help noticing my own behavior at Orientation. I was social at times, but others I was downright guarded. I think I make myself appear closed off and nonchalant because I don't want people to talk to me. I'm always thinking about what others are thinking about me. 'Oh he's too fat' or 'he's too much of a dork'.

I hate it. The feeling makes me want to crawl into bed and never come back out again. Something that's shocking me more to realize tonight, is this: It's not them whose thoughts I should be worried about. It's my own.

Those aren't their voices. They're mine. I'M the one who doesn't think I'm good enough.
Part of me wishes it wasn't that way, but I know that no one else can change that but me. And until then, I won't truly be content. Until I love myself, I can't know the love of others. Getting that love, is unfortunately, harder than writing it all out on a keyboard.

It's a sad day today. This day that I'm realizing I don't really love me. It was a sad day when I realized he didn't love me. I don't want to give my heart away to trash anymore, and I don't want to see it in the garbage ever again. The difference is, I can do something about one of the two people who don't love me.

The scary part is, if I could choose either one to love me, I don't know which one I would choose.

That's all.

-J.H.-

The Sun Never sets on a Bad Ass

2008-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Well hello everyone! It's Sunday and I'm at Carissa's apartment in L-town. I came up here for a weekend of debauchery with Jules, K.D., D and Andrea. But only K.D. and her bf and Jules' best friend could make it.

We decided to go camping and so we went out to this neat little camping area about ten minutes away from town.

I brought the tent and the sleeping bags and I ended up buying a lot of other things. I have unfortunately almost depleted the graduation money that I SWORE I would save. *sigh* It was hard for me to accept that I had squandered all that money away, but then I got to thinking about what I used it on. I have used it to have a good time this summer, like my sister did. And although that isn't the most 'logical' thing to do with my money, I figured what the hell; you only live once.

I am however pulling out the remaining funds (however much that may be, and I'm not telling you) and stashing it away from myself. Out of sight, out of mind. Or so I hope.

It is about 1 p.m. and I need to start getting ready to leave. It started to rain last night at like 3 in the A.M. and so I made a mad dash to collect everything valuable and put it in my car. Jules had to take Carissa home about thirty minutes prior to that because she had food poisoning. But don't worry she's fine now.

K.D's tent would NOT have made it through the night so she just packed everything of her's and put it away. We still have the tent and a couple of styrofoam coolers left along with the tent and sleeping bags. We should go get those here pretty soon.

All in all it was an ok night. We couldn't get the fire started to save our life! It was horrible. I mean we did get it ignited but it would only stay burning for like 20 minutes at best. It was so ridiculous. But we did end up making s'mores! Now those were delicious!

I don't know if I've said before but I'm on this massive campaign of self improvement. I am starting to try and keep up better personal hygene (bleh with this spelling!) and I'm going to start going to bed at 10:00 no exception and exercise at the VERY LEAST three times a week. I haven't been doing bad in these areas, but there's always room for improvement, eh?

Speaking of, I've been struggling to stay interested in going to work. I like working there, but it's just that I'm not used to it and I feel like I'm always messing up because sometimes I don't do things the right way and they correct me and. Uh. So It isn't exactly all that fun. But I'm dealing. I'll keep you posted on that area.

Well I had better get in the shower and get ready to leave for tal-town once again. Wish me well!

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

The Summer Wind

2008-06-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's monday night and it SO does not feel like a monday night. It feels like a friday or sunday night.

Today was good. It was my first day on the job and I trained on register with another really nice girl named courtney, whom I'd seen previously at orientation.

I'm so scared that I'll forget something and then be fired and I don't know. I love this job, but after so long of not having a job and being able to be lazy all day, I just want to go back to that comfortable place on the couch in my pajamas and a glass of coke.

Now don't worry, I won't do that. Despite being frightened about losing my job, I like it there. I had SO much fun today learning to do register. I think I learn to do stock and replenishment tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. But as I said a job is a job and money is money. Money that I need badly. Not only that, but I need to get my big boy britches on and start having a positive attitude.

It's lonely here at the house. I'm alone and the silence is...deafening. I almost always have the television or radio on. It makes me feel like there's someone there to just keep me company. I know I should get used to this sort of thing in case I ever want to live alone. I just...I'm not that kind of person by nature. I love my friends and I love having people around to interact with. I'm just not the type to go places alone.

However, I'm doing everything I can to be responsible. Just the other day I dealt with an ant infestation all on my own. Using my own money and everything. I do the dishes and the laundry and I check the mail and I took out the trash. Oh and I clean up the place more now than ever. The little things like that help to build my confidence that I'll be ok.

Went to Borders with Tess (or T. I use the names interchangeably) today. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and I actually love it. We saw a cookbook there that would be perfect for the two of us: The Guide to College Cooking, to Feed you and your Friends. DON'T quote me on the title because it's paraphrased, but it was fantastic. The recipes looked delicious.

We had dinner at Granite City and (phew that was expensive) went to see Sex and the City (for the fourth time). Today in general was just a feel good day. I got off of work at about 1 p.m. So it was like an early day for me. Tomorrow should be the same. I'll be starting at 1 and ending at 3:30. Just in time to grab a quick bite and go for a walk or bike ride. I know, I lead such an interesting life.

Do you ever get this crazy and restless urge to just go out and do something? I do. Whenever I have a fun and eventful evening and it's over, I yearn to go wild and take a drive, smoke a cig and blast the radio. The problem is I have no place to go. Then I spend all evening sitting at home, eating or doing some other useless activity until bed time. Which I should have gone to bed about two hours ago. I just couldn't sleep.

Anyway, I got contacts today! I picked them up from my eye doctor, and they're just a tester pair, but I'm excited regardless. I look so fantastic in them, especially since the new straightener I bought contains the power of the sun and has kept my hair straight for four days through one straightening. It's insane.

I'm dressing better, looking better, I just need to get to feeling better. I'm sure once I settle into my job it'll be worth it in the end. Especially when I see that first paycheck. I felt really proud today, getting up and going to work. I don't even have to dress a special way, I just get up and go to work. It's actually a blessing. I know plenty of people who put on a uniform and hate it.

Derrick called me the other day and invited me to a party. I declined. And then he invited me out the next night and I also declined. He said Alex was going to be there, the second night. It was so...I don't know. It made me pity him. He's still caught in the game. He's still letting Alex run his life. When will those two learn their lesson? When will he? Alex will always have power over Derrick, because Alex left Derrick both times. If it were me, I could never trust the other person ever again.

It makes me appreciate the strides I have taken to make my life better. I think that's the difference between Derrick and I. He has made his life different, whilst I have strived to make my life better...and yes, there is a difference.

Looking back on the past summers of my life, I cannot remember one that has felt like this. In the way that, this summer, does not feel like summer at all. Maybe it's because I'm grown now. I've got a job and I'm going to go to college in the fall and I know that time is going to go by fast and soon a new change is going to be arriving and I can do nothing to stop it.

The hardest part of growing up is letting go of something you're used to and moving on with something you're not. I know I probably said that somewhere in my last blog, but it's true. If there is any message I leave to you all about childhood it is this: Cherish every moment, for they will soon be gone. The hours of the day will shorten and the worries will grow until soon you spend more time thinking about preparing for the next day than you do living the present one.

I always said that this would never happen to me. It has. Though not completely, because I am still conscious of it. Which means I can affect it, and change it. I'm still working out the finer details but, I do plan on getting the most out of my days.

The hour has grown late and I must retreat to my bed, but I leave knowing that I have given voice to my concern and recognized the importance of living my life to the fullest.

Thank you for being my witness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

I wasn't born a workin man, but I'll do my best

2008-06-07T22:35:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone! So I'm uber excited, because I start work tomorrow...ok so I'm not like sooo excited that I'm about to piss my pants but you get the general idea. I'm going to finally have a steady income again and I can do my best to stay on top of my finances.

Anyway it'll just make me feel proud to start paying for my own things again. So I'm going to be starting out at *(blank) an hour at the Gap and the hours are going to be minimal the first week or two. I think that's because we're going to be training all that week, although we're supposed to be trained for like two months...which might spell trouble for me because I don't know if I can handle all that training lol.

I went to the Gap for my orientation night this past thursday and there were all kinds of crazy things going on with the weather that night, so we were sitting there with our employee packets in front of us and the GM gets a call and says that everyone from the neighboring stores are coming down to our basement because of the Tornado sirens. Scary huh? So we lost about a good 45 minutes in there, but we still got out on time because the GM didn't make us watch one of the three videos we were supposed to. Mainly because they are showing it again tomorrow at a Loss Prevention seminar that we're holding where everyone in the "Gap Family" will be coming to meet.

So I'm really in a big time job now, or at least bigger than the Warren I guess. It's really weird to be thinking that I'm going to be working at this job. AH. It's scary being a grown up!

I've been hanging out with Kendra a lot lately and that's not a bad thing. The thing you have to understand about Kendra is that she's amazing and she knows that and she wants you to hear her ideas which isn't a bad thing, it's just sometimes your ideas get lost in translation. We went to the pool today and took a bunch of pictures like the fabulous Divas we are and I had a great time. I counted it as my workout though so that's going to count against me, not to mention that I had a shared a pitcher of coke with Emily at Village Inn tonight at 10:30.

By the way, I'm totally supposed to be in bed right now. You know the whole 'grown-up routine' that I have to get into. Yeah totally not keeping up on that right now. I'm sure it will get easier once I start getting into the swing of my job but right now, no.

Recently I've been thinking about my choice to major in Advertising. I would love to do it because you get to travel and because you get great pay, but I also love writing and I can't ignore that. I think maybe I might be happier if I stick to my original plan. Less wealthy but happier.

Monica and I have been hanging out a lot lately too. Not a bad thing, but she's a little self-centered sometimes. I tried to cuddle with her when we were watching a movie and she totally flipped out and was like "I dont like cuddling." So yeah. Speaking of which, I got my new straightener when I was with her, and WOW let me tell you, does that thing straighten. It was like a whole different level of straight for my hair. I'm kind of obsessed with it now.

I did exercise the other day. I did 4 sets of 8 reps going up and down the stairs in my house and in between each set I did jumping jacks and four laps around the pool table. Let me tell you what it kicked my butt. When I got though, the feeling of accomplishment and happiness that I was working towards a better me, was awesome. It just gives me encouragement.

In sixty days I should be thinner, healthier and a little bit more financially secure. And you know, as much as the work is going to be hard, I'm going to be that much happier and proud when I am finished.

My roomate for KU is straight btw. And he has a girlfriend. He's catholic and she's christian, if you can imagine that. Although he might be reassigned due to some registration issues or something, I'm not really sure. I just hope I found out who IS going to be my roommate soon so that we can get to know each other and start to plan on who's bringing what to the dorm.

Well that's pretty much all that's going on in my life right now and it's a lot compared to what was going on before. Be prepared ladies and gentlemen, because this? Is not the end.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

(* p.s. I'm not supposed to put my pay scale in public knowledge, or I might get fired)

It is only the beginning

2008-06-01T01:17:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through my notebook recently, the one where I do all my writing, and I found something interesting.

In bold and large lettering I had penned out the words: The 2007 'Real-Me' Project. Pages after detailed a highly thought out plan on how to make me a better me. It was astonishing to me.

A year ago, I set out to start a project that I was not ready for. I was young, I had no experience to go on in many areas in life (least of all love), but more importantly I was missing something that is vital in a process like that: motivation. I really had not one reason to start the project other than to start it.

It was a great thought, but there was nothing to back it up. I sit here a year later, a year older, and only now am I ready to begin the journey to discover my deepest potential. I have gone through so much this past year. Being a senior, learning responsibility, keeping myself busy and more importantly I was growing.

I fell in love and I got hurt and then I turned 18. It wasn't anything significant to me before, except I'm beginning to realize as each day passes that I'm not a child anymore. I'm different - I'm different and my life should reflect that.

Now, I believe, is the right time to begin that project that I had naively started all those months ago. I've started working out, I've gotten a job and I'm loving my life. It is not the same life as it was before, it is somehow irrevocably changed, more so than I thought it would be when I was 17. I'm beginning to learn things about myself and about other people in my life that continue to amaze me.

I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I have way too many expectations, but I know that I have to stop waiting for my life to begin and I just have to start...living. All this time I've been thinking to myself that if I didn't have love, then my life was meaningless, and that it meant there was something wrong with me. Well there was something wrong, just not what I thought.

I realize now that love can be found all the time, inside of myself. I don't need someone else to love me, to know that I am loveable. I will not wait on some guy to say that he cares, to start caring for myself. These are things that should be automatic, these are things that should already happen and somehow I was missing out on that message.

The road ahead has many new and unexpected things for a young man of 18. I've still so many things to learn and so many ways to grow that I don't know where to begin. All I know is, I'm going to do it being just myself instead of 'the-shy-guy' or - 'the-gay-guy' or 'the-slightly-overweight-guy'.

It may not be much and it is still a work-in-progress, but all the same. It's me.

And this? This isn't the end. It is only the beginning.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.